DerBopo
A fellow Human
- Jul 3, 2023
- 24
I dont even know where to start.
I guess ill start with the most recent.
I know im gonna die soon, i wish it could be right now. I wish there were something fast, or atleast something that i'd have the courage for.
But ill have to wait till February to make Bank account, to finally buy SN. So for the time being ill have to survive reality and the consequences of how I've lived my life upto this point. I really dont want to do that, so i think ill get my therapist to admit me to a psychiatric clinic? Hospital? Im not really sure. All i know is i want to dissappear from my life for 6 months and admitting myself will get me 2 months max.
ill see my therapist tmr, well, technically today but since i havent slept yet ill call it tmr. Ill just tryn be honest about wanting to escape and feeling like this fate of suicide isn't really a reversable opinion. I hope that goes well. I guess im anxious but ik ill be soo much more anxious in the moment that it doesnt really matter rn.
I know reading this isnt exactly interesting but ig its more of the suicide note im writing for my family since i probably wont be writing one at all. Which is another thing. I havent really thought about the selfishness of suicide, i know I've been selfish for a months. In attempts to love myself "more", but as it turns out I've just become a more selfish person. Which i naturally hate, so even in trying to love myself better, ive just made me hate myself more. I guess i was just a selfish person in general, which i reallllyyy dont want to face, but i know that using "ill be dead soon and i wont have to worry about that when im dead" isnt an excuse that made me less selfish.
I dont even know why im writing this. I dont want help anymore, i dont want to be begging for empathy. I guess i dont want to be alone? But i have friends, have family. I have soooo much to live for and yet i still would rather just Not.
If i manage to write a note while im admitted and all of you find this. Im sorry for having so little empathy. Im sorry for not staying for all of you. I wish i could say i tried but i gave up so many months ago. I'd just want you all to know that. I love you and i loved you till my very last moment. Not proud to say it but yes, even you sofija. Thinking about you feels like im some abused dog. Thinking about you, wishing for you and still predicting you to hurt me. I know you tried, im sorry for not being good enough to you. I hope that when i say, all the selfishness you felt by me was just my flawed way of trying to love myself again, is true. Truth is, i dont know.
I hope the few months in the psychiatric clinic wont suck too much.
Im not really at peace with anything. I just wish all of the, needing to be, would end. It's so much easier to just ctb than it is to face reality.
Thank you to all the mysterious digital people for reading this. Maybe ill "re-upload" my ideas in a more structured post later, this was just my scatterbrained way of getting it out of my head.
I guess ill start with the most recent.
I know im gonna die soon, i wish it could be right now. I wish there were something fast, or atleast something that i'd have the courage for.
But ill have to wait till February to make Bank account, to finally buy SN. So for the time being ill have to survive reality and the consequences of how I've lived my life upto this point. I really dont want to do that, so i think ill get my therapist to admit me to a psychiatric clinic? Hospital? Im not really sure. All i know is i want to dissappear from my life for 6 months and admitting myself will get me 2 months max.
ill see my therapist tmr, well, technically today but since i havent slept yet ill call it tmr. Ill just tryn be honest about wanting to escape and feeling like this fate of suicide isn't really a reversable opinion. I hope that goes well. I guess im anxious but ik ill be soo much more anxious in the moment that it doesnt really matter rn.
I know reading this isnt exactly interesting but ig its more of the suicide note im writing for my family since i probably wont be writing one at all. Which is another thing. I havent really thought about the selfishness of suicide, i know I've been selfish for a months. In attempts to love myself "more", but as it turns out I've just become a more selfish person. Which i naturally hate, so even in trying to love myself better, ive just made me hate myself more. I guess i was just a selfish person in general, which i reallllyyy dont want to face, but i know that using "ill be dead soon and i wont have to worry about that when im dead" isnt an excuse that made me less selfish.
I dont even know why im writing this. I dont want help anymore, i dont want to be begging for empathy. I guess i dont want to be alone? But i have friends, have family. I have soooo much to live for and yet i still would rather just Not.
If i manage to write a note while im admitted and all of you find this. Im sorry for having so little empathy. Im sorry for not staying for all of you. I wish i could say i tried but i gave up so many months ago. I'd just want you all to know that. I love you and i loved you till my very last moment. Not proud to say it but yes, even you sofija. Thinking about you feels like im some abused dog. Thinking about you, wishing for you and still predicting you to hurt me. I know you tried, im sorry for not being good enough to you. I hope that when i say, all the selfishness you felt by me was just my flawed way of trying to love myself again, is true. Truth is, i dont know.
I hope the few months in the psychiatric clinic wont suck too much.
Im not really at peace with anything. I just wish all of the, needing to be, would end. It's so much easier to just ctb than it is to face reality.
Thank you to all the mysterious digital people for reading this. Maybe ill "re-upload" my ideas in a more structured post later, this was just my scatterbrained way of getting it out of my head.
