h4ppyhypoxia
Member
- Aug 8, 2026
- 31
ive been ready to leave for a while, messing up my last attempt means im not trusted at home on my own, anything i order must be opened in front of my family, my mum is going to get some surgery, and while shes in hospital, ill be put in a mental health facility, even though im this safeguarded, for some reason im allowed to go back to university, ill be going on the 27th, but it just feels like an eternity away, im more than done, i want my waiting to be over, its cruel to force me to stay alive, theoretically yes i could use another method but im not confident enough with them, and i need to be sure that the next time i try, it will work
i spend my days fantasising about getting the supplies for my N2 EB and setting it up, im literally unable to think about anything else, im so hungry for my death, that it consumes all my thoughts, most of my distress in life comes from the fact im held here against my will at the moment, since deciding to CTB, other stuff has become so secondary, because ill not have to worry about it, but im just stuck waiting and its so miserable, i keep hoping that someone will break into my home and kill me, or ill get into some accident, or just something, im so ready to go and im desperate, ive felt this way for months
ive lost interest in everything, suicide is my only interest now, ik it sounds so edgy, but there is literally no room in my brain for anything else, conversations about other things bore me, i dont think its possible to be any more mentally prepared than I am now, I want this so bad, that im refusing medication, because im worried that it will tamper with my mental state and make me less set on this, as its what i truly want
what would you recommend i do? im feeling totally totally trapped in existence and its sent me into various panic attacks because im just trapped in the cage that is consciousness, i feel like its really cruel to keep me alive, because they have not saved me, they have prolonged my suffering and i could cry even writing this, im also extremely anxious my next CTB attempt wouldnt work and im stuck again, i remember the HORRIBLE feeling last time when i had survived, it was the lowest point of my life, and im just sick of waiting, is there anything that can make this more bearable? how do you cope with the fear of failure? i cant stay here anymore seriously its horrible
i spend my days fantasising about getting the supplies for my N2 EB and setting it up, im literally unable to think about anything else, im so hungry for my death, that it consumes all my thoughts, most of my distress in life comes from the fact im held here against my will at the moment, since deciding to CTB, other stuff has become so secondary, because ill not have to worry about it, but im just stuck waiting and its so miserable, i keep hoping that someone will break into my home and kill me, or ill get into some accident, or just something, im so ready to go and im desperate, ive felt this way for months
ive lost interest in everything, suicide is my only interest now, ik it sounds so edgy, but there is literally no room in my brain for anything else, conversations about other things bore me, i dont think its possible to be any more mentally prepared than I am now, I want this so bad, that im refusing medication, because im worried that it will tamper with my mental state and make me less set on this, as its what i truly want
what would you recommend i do? im feeling totally totally trapped in existence and its sent me into various panic attacks because im just trapped in the cage that is consciousness, i feel like its really cruel to keep me alive, because they have not saved me, they have prolonged my suffering and i could cry even writing this, im also extremely anxious my next CTB attempt wouldnt work and im stuck again, i remember the HORRIBLE feeling last time when i had survived, it was the lowest point of my life, and im just sick of waiting, is there anything that can make this more bearable? how do you cope with the fear of failure? i cant stay here anymore seriously its horrible
