Venting angel's vent thread - broke my own wings

[wannabeangel]

i got so close to cutting myself last night, i still keep my blades even tho im 1175 days clean. i still wanna break it even tho it sucks breaking such a long streak, but i never wanted to stop in the first place. i still keep wanting to just die but i dont have SN and i feel so much guilt for the pain it will bring my family. i wanna erase my existence so my leaving would cause no pain. or something takes me out so they dont feel like its their fault or that they couldve stopped it. i dunno what im doing anymore, im just watching time pass by, time i thought i wouldnt be alone in. but its my fault im alone, so i should just accept that.

i keep daydreaming about stuff i could do if i couuld just leave the house on my own, i just want to go to the library or shop or just be outside but im stuck in my room. if i had a electric wheelchair i could do so much more but i cant push myself long enough in my shitty manual chair and its not even custom for me my insurance didnt get me that yet for some reason so its just bullshit, i want to do more on my own. i added a good case to my ipad to take out with me and use as my AAC when i cant talk especially to strangers so thats one support need fixed but not everything, i cant be independent how i want. at least i think i found someone that wants to support me... im scared it'll be messed up tho, and i still keep being so suicidal. i dont think anyone could really fix me, im just waiting for the day the pain fully outweighs the guilt thats keeping me stuck here

 

[CoffeeAndNihilism]

i still keep my blades even tho im 1175 days clean

Thinking about it now, I do as well. I honestly don't know why anymore. I've stopped cutting long ago, but to me it's almost reassuring in a way, to know that it will be there when I need it. idk. I'm probably overthinking this all.

i keep daydreaming about stuff i could do if i couuld just leave the house on my own, i just want to go to the library or shop or just be outside but im stuck in my room. if i had a electric wheelchair i could do so much more but i cant push myself long enough in my shitty manual chair and its not even custom for me my insurance didnt get me that yet for some reason so its just bullshit, i want to do more on my own. i added a good case to my ipad to take out with me and use as my AAC when i cant talk especially to strangers so thats one support need fixed but not everything, i cant be independent how i want.

To have your freedom stripped from you without a reason is horrible. I don't understand why electric wheelchairs are so expensive, and it's absurd that your insurance refuses to help you out. I wish I could offer something more than words and I hope that you will get your chair soon.

. at least i think i found someone that wants to support me... im scared it'll be messed up tho

I am glad to hear that someone is there to support you. It's okay to be afraid when so much is at stake. I don't think there is a living soul that wouldn't be.

 

[wannabeangel]

Thinking about it now, I do as well. I honestly don't know why anymore. I've stopped cutting long ago, but to me it's almost reassuring in a way, to know that it will be there when I need it. idk. I'm probably overthinking this all.

yeah it's really about knowing it's there that reassures me and makes me feel safer even if im trying to stay clean still, it's there like a sharp safety net

To have your freedom stripped from you without a reason is horrible. I don't understand why electric wheelchairs are so expensive, and it's absurd that your insurance refuses to help you out. I wish I could offer something more than words and I hope that you will get your chair soon.

i dont get why they have to be so expensive either like i just wanna be able to leave my house and get on the bus without needing to rely on anyone, and it always is a slow process getting any decent mobility aids unless you have the money. insurance covered a shitty manual chair that isnt even fitted to me properly so it's a pain to use by myself for long periods. cant remember if i have to see PT or OT to get a proper new one covered, they like to drag you through appointments but mine is prob gonna be longer anyways too because i also need metal ring splints for my hands/fingers as well so i can hold a pencil or press a button without my fingers bending backwards and hopefully wont subluxate as often, i wanna be able to draw more comfortable again art has always been my thing, dealing with getting the right paperwork so insurance covers it and i dont have to pay a small loan of $1M but your words still hold meaning and i appreciate it a lot thank you

I am glad to hear that someone is there to support you. It's okay to be afraid when so much is at stake. I don't think there is a living soul that wouldn't be.

for sure it literally feels like my entire life is as stake if i ruin another good thing, my life honestly is on the line cuz of it i dont see a reason to keep trying and dealing with my body if other things wont work out and i ruin whats good for me. makes me feel kinda like a shitty person tho if im only sticking around if something is good enough for me, but i just need whatever motivation i can get so i dont just kms already cuz its hard to stick around in pain if theres nothing else good around that makes me happy

 

[wannabeangel]

its my ex husband's birthday today and i just feel a mess, most i can do is write a small pararapth in our shared google doc thats the last thread holding us connected in any way. i only slept 1h last night/this morning too, taking my sleep meds after skipping them for quite long at least, took it early so maybe i pass out before the night depression really kicks in

its really too damn easy for me to slip back into being extremely suicidal, yesterday i was okay-ish but today i want to force my crippled ass to walk to the train station i hear every night and lay under the tracks, just let it chop off my brain that tortures me from my body that tortures me. i wish i was a dog so people would see putting me down as the favor it really is

i have just been zoning out all day, got a new cart tho might just try and get high and pass out hopefully. my thc tolerance is fucked again now tho ughhhh why was it so much easier to tough out the nausea with him? prob mainly fear of getting caught but still ugh fuck... wish tolerances didnt exist for me.
i wanna be able to escape forever, anything for even a decent break away from this body, from this pain, from the hopelessness. but as soon as i lean into the warmth of the flame, my sigh of relief puts it out.

 

[wannabeangel]

i was doing kinda okay today besides just constantly feeling like something inside me is wrong, i was trying to comfort myself and find a song my ex showed me that i forgot the name of, i learned he's blocked me on even spotify now.... he had me unblocked on there for so long and im pretty sure i asked him to just not block me there JUST FOR THE MUSIC but nope.... he's cutting us off for good, only the google doc still stands..... WHY IS THAT FUCKING WITH ME EVEN MORE i feel so stupid its not even an important thing but just fuck FUCK why does it make me extra suicidal???? why am i like this.... i really wish i could just die, i wanna die in my sleep then no blame is on the act of suicide its nature and my time.

i wish i could be okay but i know i really am not and will most likely stay that way until my last breath

 

[wannabeangel]

been struggling with insomnia the last few days and had a bad FND episode and i think maybe the other shit i keep feeling are smaller ones and i need a lobotomy i just want to fucking die. my head hurts so much

 

[wannabeangel]

well that insomnia and FND shit flaring up after years sent me to the hospital, ended up not really getting much help there though now im home waiting for a specialist appointment. ugh. it was so lovely needing to lie about not being suicidal! had to be psych cleared for some weird reason. it's funny how my mom to them was like "she's making life plans a suicidal person wouldn't do that" lol, im just making plans to get things off my bucket list moreso to completely stop wanting to die. if shit gets better and i dont ctb? cool! but that bus is right there waiting for me as soon as it goes too south. might as well be considered chronically suicidal too atp. i keep trying to comfort my nervous system, some days my thoughts get slightly more hopeful, but something always happens to remind me why i have a plan in mind. i wish i could buy SN already before it's even harder to get, unsure how the shelf life on it is if i never open it. gonna look that up if i can. whats fucked is period hormones are making alllll my issues wack i wanna be bleeding from my wrists not my cunt. but whatever my routine of being in bed doesn't change.

apparently my ex husband wrote hello then deleted it on our shared google doc too the day i got home from the hospital, well i wrote in the day then he wrote at night, and i didnt check for a few days and missed him writing by like a few days idfk started making me more emotional again today because fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. i thought he wanted no contact... i just dont get it

 

[wannabeangel]

the thunder and lightning is crazy outside right now, and i feel like shit today because i was out of my meds, i got them now at least and its helping my head a bit, not enough yet but a bit. im trying to eat but my stomach isnt liking it, and i cant even do a tube feed cuz the balloon is popped. i need to go to the hospital when the weekend is over, thankfully its not rlly a emergency like the times it was yanked out of me. i just wish i wasnt existing rn, and C has barely msged me today so im sad. can the lightning hit me thru the window and kill me pls thats so much easier than doing it myself.

 

[wannabeangel]

watched a documentary about my disabilities that came out recently with my mom, feels like she got more triggered from it than me, i can't help but feel jealous almost of those who were able to just go to hospice and pass, or i just wanna die from a complication or something, let the universe do the work instead of forcing it on myself. its wrong of me, those people didn't wanna die, but they all had EDS and comorbid things that i do so i know i can die from this, i want my body to give up. god please just make it give up.

self harm got mentioned too which triggered me the most surprisingly, besides all the medical abuse from doctors onto them reminding me of myself.

 

[wannabeangel]

sometimes i wonder if i should try recovery but i feel like i dont deserve it, no matter what people tell me, my ex husband's letter isnt enough, what my mom tells me the words just orbit around me in my orb of longing for death, guilt of hurting all i love eventually wont be enough to hold me back, pain will outweigh it. how do i even recover if im gonna have to exist disabled in chronic pain bound to only get worse. who wants to live like that? literally had people comment if they existed like me that they would kill themselves if they were disabled like me, a weird attempt to call me strong while just telling me i should die. i wanna die. i wish i didnt have to feel

my mom is trying so hard to make me comfortable, i am so lucky to have a mom like her, but existing is hard still.... why cant i just be normal? what am i supposed to do? C has been so busy lately makes me sad, but his dad is in the hospital so it makes sense but i miss him. i feel so alone


im trying to act normal for now, but everything feels wrong

 

[wannabeangel]

cant sleep at all been up since last night now its 1am the next day im drugged but not enough to sleep i want to take ambien but i ran out of water and i ran out of energy to fill it too and my mom wont wake up to my texts so i feel hopeless and keep having thoughts of just hanging myself. i have a robe tie thats strong, my closet should be a good enough anchor point in there with the hooks on the wall, i'll put a pillowcase over my face so they dont have to see possibly my tongue sticking out and whatever else could happen, and i'll wear one of my diapers so if i piss myself while im dying it doesn't make a mess they need to clean. i want to clean my room good before i die, but i have barely any energy. sometimes i think about just pushing myself in my wheelchair up to the train station, lay on the tracks and let it tear me apart. or find a high enough place to jump, finding a high enough place is so fucking hard tho. i wonder if there are good spots in NYC i'll take a train there, live out what i can drunk and drugged so im not in pain, get to some sorta roof and spread my wings FINALLY spread my wings. i felt my wings on my back since i was a child, at times they feel so heavy (i mean this literally closest i can describe it is a phantom limb) i'll have to stretch in specific poses and stretch my wings, they get bigger at times, i dont like the weight. i wanna feel the wind in my feathers, the tension from my shoulder blades to my lower back, the muscles that should be sprouting from there..... i dont know why i feel this way, maybe just another part of our dissociation, we are not complete.
but i want to fly, let me back in the sky, a bird swooping by, no more being tied to this world and these binds, before it eats my heart down to the rind and my words are left behind. i want to fly

 

[wannabeangel]

going to the hospital today to get my GJ tube replaced because it broke and also see a neurologist because since the FND seizure episode speech with my mouth is so difficult and hurts my brain. im just so frustrated. i made new accounts to share how i cope and i find it funny how so many people tell me to kill myself lol like i dont wanna myself. they can get their wish if they give me $35 LOL