Venting angel's vent thread - broke my own wings

[wannabeangel]

i got so close to cutting myself last night, i still keep my blades even tho im 1175 days clean. i still wanna break it even tho it sucks breaking such a long streak, but i never wanted to stop in the first place. i still keep wanting to just die but i dont have SN and i feel so much guilt for the pain it will bring my family. i wanna erase my existence so my leaving would cause no pain. or something takes me out so they dont feel like its their fault or that they couldve stopped it. i dunno what im doing anymore, im just watching time pass by, time i thought i wouldnt be alone in. but its my fault im alone, so i should just accept that.

i keep daydreaming about stuff i could do if i couuld just leave the house on my own, i just want to go to the library or shop or just be outside but im stuck in my room. if i had a electric wheelchair i could do so much more but i cant push myself long enough in my shitty manual chair and its not even custom for me my insurance didnt get me that yet for some reason so its just bullshit, i want to do more on my own. i added a good case to my ipad to take out with me and use as my AAC when i cant talk especially to strangers so thats one support need fixed but not everything, i cant be independent how i want. at least i think i found someone that wants to support me... im scared it'll be messed up tho, and i still keep being so suicidal. i dont think anyone could really fix me, im just waiting for the day the pain fully outweighs the guilt thats keeping me stuck here

 

[CoffeeAndNihilism]

i still keep my blades even tho im 1175 days clean

Thinking about it now, I do as well. I honestly don't know why anymore. I've stopped cutting long ago, but to me it's almost reassuring in a way, to know that it will be there when I need it. idk. I'm probably overthinking this all.

i keep daydreaming about stuff i could do if i couuld just leave the house on my own, i just want to go to the library or shop or just be outside but im stuck in my room. if i had a electric wheelchair i could do so much more but i cant push myself long enough in my shitty manual chair and its not even custom for me my insurance didnt get me that yet for some reason so its just bullshit, i want to do more on my own. i added a good case to my ipad to take out with me and use as my AAC when i cant talk especially to strangers so thats one support need fixed but not everything, i cant be independent how i want.

To have your freedom stripped from you without a reason is horrible. I don't understand why electric wheelchairs are so expensive, and it's absurd that your insurance refuses to help you out. I wish I could offer something more than words and I hope that you will get your chair soon.

. at least i think i found someone that wants to support me... im scared it'll be messed up tho

I am glad to hear that someone is there to support you. It's okay to be afraid when so much is at stake. I don't think there is a living soul that wouldn't be.

 

[wannabeangel]

Thinking about it now, I do as well. I honestly don't know why anymore. I've stopped cutting long ago, but to me it's almost reassuring in a way, to know that it will be there when I need it. idk. I'm probably overthinking this all.

yeah it's really about knowing it's there that reassures me and makes me feel safer even if im trying to stay clean still, it's there like a sharp safety net

To have your freedom stripped from you without a reason is horrible. I don't understand why electric wheelchairs are so expensive, and it's absurd that your insurance refuses to help you out. I wish I could offer something more than words and I hope that you will get your chair soon.

i dont get why they have to be so expensive either like i just wanna be able to leave my house and get on the bus without needing to rely on anyone, and it always is a slow process getting any decent mobility aids unless you have the money. insurance covered a shitty manual chair that isnt even fitted to me properly so it's a pain to use by myself for long periods. cant remember if i have to see PT or OT to get a proper new one covered, they like to drag you through appointments but mine is prob gonna be longer anyways too because i also need metal ring splints for my hands/fingers as well so i can hold a pencil or press a button without my fingers bending backwards and hopefully wont subluxate as often, i wanna be able to draw more comfortable again art has always been my thing, dealing with getting the right paperwork so insurance covers it and i dont have to pay a small loan of $1M but your words still hold meaning and i appreciate it a lot thank you

I am glad to hear that someone is there to support you. It's okay to be afraid when so much is at stake. I don't think there is a living soul that wouldn't be.

for sure it literally feels like my entire life is as stake if i ruin another good thing, my life honestly is on the line cuz of it i dont see a reason to keep trying and dealing with my body if other things wont work out and i ruin whats good for me. makes me feel kinda like a shitty person tho if im only sticking around if something is good enough for me, but i just need whatever motivation i can get so i dont just kms already cuz its hard to stick around in pain if theres nothing else good around that makes me happy

 

[wannabeangel]

its my ex husband's birthday today and i just feel a mess, most i can do is write a small pararapth in our shared google doc thats the last thread holding us connected in any way. i only slept 1h last night/this morning too, taking my sleep meds after skipping them for quite long at least, took it early so maybe i pass out before the night depression really kicks in

its really too damn easy for me to slip back into being extremely suicidal, yesterday i was okay-ish but today i want to force my crippled ass to walk to the train station i hear every night and lay under the tracks, just let it chop off my brain that tortures me from my body that tortures me. i wish i was a dog so people would see putting me down as the favor it really is

i have just been zoning out all day, got a new cart tho might just try and get high and pass out hopefully. my thc tolerance is fucked again now tho ughhhh why was it so much easier to tough out the nausea with him? prob mainly fear of getting caught but still ugh fuck... wish tolerances didnt exist for me.
i wanna be able to escape forever, anything for even a decent break away from this body, from this pain, from the hopelessness. but as soon as i lean into the warmth of the flame, my sigh of relief puts it out.

 

[wannabeangel]

i was doing kinda okay today besides just constantly feeling like something inside me is wrong, i was trying to comfort myself and find a song my ex showed me that i forgot the name of, i learned he's blocked me on even spotify now.... he had me unblocked on there for so long and im pretty sure i asked him to just not block me there JUST FOR THE MUSIC but nope.... he's cutting us off for good, only the google doc still stands..... WHY IS THAT FUCKING WITH ME EVEN MORE i feel so stupid its not even an important thing but just fuck FUCK why does it make me extra suicidal???? why am i like this.... i really wish i could just die, i wanna die in my sleep then no blame is on the act of suicide its nature and my time.

i wish i could be okay but i know i really am not and will most likely stay that way until my last breath

 

[wannabeangel]

been struggling with insomnia the last few days and had a bad FND episode and i think maybe the other shit i keep feeling are smaller ones and i need a lobotomy i just want to fucking die. my head hurts so much

 

[wannabeangel]

well that insomnia and FND shit flaring up after years sent me to the hospital, ended up not really getting much help there though now im home waiting for a specialist appointment. ugh. it was so lovely needing to lie about not being suicidal! had to be psych cleared for some weird reason. it's funny how my mom to them was like "she's making life plans a suicidal person wouldn't do that" lol, im just making plans to get things off my bucket list moreso to completely stop wanting to die. if shit gets better and i dont ctb? cool! but that bus is right there waiting for me as soon as it goes too south. might as well be considered chronically suicidal too atp. i keep trying to comfort my nervous system, some days my thoughts get slightly more hopeful, but something always happens to remind me why i have a plan in mind. i wish i could buy SN already before it's even harder to get, unsure how the shelf life on it is if i never open it. gonna look that up if i can. whats fucked is period hormones are making alllll my issues wack i wanna be bleeding from my wrists not my cunt. but whatever my routine of being in bed doesn't change.

apparently my ex husband wrote hello then deleted it on our shared google doc too the day i got home from the hospital, well i wrote in the day then he wrote at night, and i didnt check for a few days and missed him writing by like a few days idfk started making me more emotional again today because fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. i thought he wanted no contact... i just dont get it

 

[wannabeangel]

the thunder and lightning is crazy outside right now, and i feel like shit today because i was out of my meds, i got them now at least and its helping my head a bit, not enough yet but a bit. im trying to eat but my stomach isnt liking it, and i cant even do a tube feed cuz the balloon is popped. i need to go to the hospital when the weekend is over, thankfully its not rlly a emergency like the times it was yanked out of me. i just wish i wasnt existing rn, and C has barely msged me today so im sad. can the lightning hit me thru the window and kill me pls thats so much easier than doing it myself.

 

[wannabeangel]

watched a documentary about my disabilities that came out recently with my mom, feels like she got more triggered from it than me, i can't help but feel jealous almost of those who were able to just go to hospice and pass, or i just wanna die from a complication or something, let the universe do the work instead of forcing it on myself. its wrong of me, those people didn't wanna die, but they all had EDS and comorbid things that i do so i know i can die from this, i want my body to give up. god please just make it give up.

self harm got mentioned too which triggered me the most surprisingly, besides all the medical abuse from doctors onto them reminding me of myself.

 

[wannabeangel]

sometimes i wonder if i should try recovery but i feel like i dont deserve it, no matter what people tell me, my ex husband's letter isnt enough, what my mom tells me the words just orbit around me in my orb of longing for death, guilt of hurting all i love eventually wont be enough to hold me back, pain will outweigh it. how do i even recover if im gonna have to exist disabled in chronic pain bound to only get worse. who wants to live like that? literally had people comment if they existed like me that they would kill themselves if they were disabled like me, a weird attempt to call me strong while just telling me i should die. i wanna die. i wish i didnt have to feel

my mom is trying so hard to make me comfortable, i am so lucky to have a mom like her, but existing is hard still.... why cant i just be normal? what am i supposed to do? C has been so busy lately makes me sad, but his dad is in the hospital so it makes sense but i miss him. i feel so alone


im trying to act normal for now, but everything feels wrong

 

[wannabeangel]

cant sleep at all been up since last night now its 1am the next day im drugged but not enough to sleep i want to take ambien but i ran out of water and i ran out of energy to fill it too and my mom wont wake up to my texts so i feel hopeless and keep having thoughts of just hanging myself. i have a robe tie thats strong, my closet should be a good enough anchor point in there with the hooks on the wall, i'll put a pillowcase over my face so they dont have to see possibly my tongue sticking out and whatever else could happen, and i'll wear one of my diapers so if i piss myself while im dying it doesn't make a mess they need to clean. i want to clean my room good before i die, but i have barely any energy. sometimes i think about just pushing myself in my wheelchair up to the train station, lay on the tracks and let it tear me apart. or find a high enough place to jump, finding a high enough place is so fucking hard tho. i wonder if there are good spots in NYC i'll take a train there, live out what i can drunk and drugged so im not in pain, get to some sorta roof and spread my wings FINALLY spread my wings. i felt my wings on my back since i was a child, at times they feel so heavy (i mean this literally closest i can describe it is a phantom limb) i'll have to stretch in specific poses and stretch my wings, they get bigger at times, i dont like the weight. i wanna feel the wind in my feathers, the tension from my shoulder blades to my lower back, the muscles that should be sprouting from there..... i dont know why i feel this way, maybe just another part of our dissociation, we are not complete.
but i want to fly, let me back in the sky, a bird swooping by, no more being tied to this world and these binds, before it eats my heart down to the rind and my words are left behind. i want to fly

 

[wannabeangel]

going to the hospital today to get my GJ tube replaced because it broke and also see a neurologist because since the FND seizure episode speech with my mouth is so difficult and hurts my brain. im just so frustrated. i made new accounts to share how i cope and i find it funny how so many people tell me to kill myself lol like i dont wanna myself. they can get their wish if they give me $35 LOL

 

[wannabeangel]

i got back home from the hospital 2 days ago, was sedated 3 times in one day for first placing the gj tube, gi team realizes why the mri ppl wanted me there first because they use a metal clip weight on the end of the j inside my guts, so they woke me, i got my brain scans because they were worried about some sorta tiny bulge in a vein or artery on my brain? not an aneurism tho it too small no bleeding and not in a spot that would be causing my speech issues, then was woken up again to go back to GI and finish the procedure. i wake up rlly good from the meds they use u to knock u out tho so i was okay but tired and throat hurt a lot from being scoped twice in one day. neuro team said my seizures arent epileptic so thats good its just stupid FND i had since i was 11 or 12, but now its back and fucked with my speech. at least i will be seeing a SLP and already use my ipad as AAC, i need someone to professionally help me with that tho. the night i got home from the hospital pretty high still on all the meds i was on in there and they said i could go home take meds as needed, but my mom found me shallow breathing, unconscious and no reaction to stimuli not even a sternum rub, we have naloxone in the house so she gave me a little i woke up and my o2 stats were better, i dont remember wakibg up, sometimes i wish my mom didnt check tho and i could have died, so it would be the hospitals fault and not my own. my eyes were rolled back and i was dead weight, i just wish i would stay dead weight. i apparently scared my mom so bad tho i feel bad about that.... but i still wish it killed me so it all hurt and anger can be towards anyone and not herself. im just so tired, even if a lady at the hospital got me help finding stuff like a new wheelchair and a homecare person and home pt, why do i still wanna die even if things seem like theyre turning up

 

[Dissolving Figment]

You've been through a hell of a lot huh

 

[wannabeangel]

You've been through a hell of a lot huh

yeah way too much since my childhood, it doesn't seem like i ever got a break from anything since i was 11-12 years old, at least its normal hospitals now and not psych wards because i know what to say and not say now, and because i just wont get any actual medical treatment if i show im too mentally unstable i bottle that shit up and ramble about it here. i wish all the shit could stop already but its just every single year there is something new to deal with or something old that's gotten worse, i think thats my curse

genuinely i dont understand how i haven't just killed myself already and get over the guilt of it causing pain to my family when i just keep suffering in pain continuing to breathe for them, if i didn't have my family i would be dead already, i would've been dead years ago and not need to go through new medical trauma i will have to exist with. there's gotta be something that will make that final thread keeping me here snap, i heard the train pass by just now which reminds me if i have no other option i could push myself down the street and onto the tracks, every time i hear it i think of that

 

[wannabeangel]

my dad texted me normally but it triggered the shit out of me, wasent even like bad he was asking me how i am but instead of asking follow up questions he writes this long ass thing on some new vibecoded project he is working on and its just... WHY NOT TALK TO ME NORMAL WHY DOES IT ALWAYS GOTTA BE SOME NEW PROJECT?????? god. makes me feel like he wouldnt be hit as hard when i die like ik thats wrong but i feel it at the same time, i wish i had money for SN already. my birthday is next month, maybe i can just use a bit of that. or the next person who tells me to kill myself on my new acc i'll tell them to pay for it and i will, i wonder if some sick fuck actually would, i would thank them still. someone told me to hang myself and i replied nah its too painful if i wanted to i have less painful ways, and he says "bruh now i feel bad" but u didnt when u told me to hang myself? okay. tbh the cyberbullying is good, so once i do it my parents have something to blame besides themselves.

i wish i wasnt turning 24, i wish i ODed the night i got home from the hospital. apparently my cat screams for my mom if something is wrong with me, so i might need to just not be home when i CTB. its better if my parents dont find me anyways

 

[wannabeangel]

IM SO PISSED THE EASIEST WAY FOR ME TO GET SN WITH FREE SHIPPING HAD ALL THE LISTINGS TAKEN DOWN ON AMAZ0N FML I WISH I WASNT FUCKING BROKE AND CANT EVEN AFFORD $35 TO GET IT god i just wanna cry this is stupid to cry about im sure there are other online stores i can get it and im so pissed still i wish i could just die why did my mom find me ODing after getting home from the hospital you couldve let it kill me and it would have been so good i felt so good before i went to sleep. seriously if some dialudid and sedatives in my system on top of 600-800mg of pregabalin then 100mg tramadol some kpins .5-1mg and 50mg Benadryl if that made me unresponsive and low oxygen if all that almost did it for me why cant i just OD and die. i keep getting so many comments telling me to die too, and to hang myself. hanging is painful tho i tested partial hanging the head pressure is too fucking much. maybe if i was drunk and popping kpins like mints, stain my tongue its bright blue and have the rope around my neck turn my face blue. i keep telling the people who tell me to kms that they gotta pay me, i cant afford SN rn if they want me gone they would help me ruin me.

emotions are too much, and im losing my ability to communicate them properly lilke how i want to, i stutter and get stuck on words and makes me so pissed, i miss being able to speak somewhat normally, one big episode and boom it was taken from me. i gotta see a speech therapist but i just wanna see a serial killer who one shots me.

good song came on when im writing this.

Where is my mind? Where is my mind?
Whereeeeee is my mind?

Waaaayy in out in the water, see it swimmin

reminds me of one suicide vid i saw had this song playing, one drink he had and he was gone, i want that to be me. his parents finding him hurt a lot though. im only here still because i dont want to hurt anyone else anymore, it seems like i cant avoid it tho

 

[wannabeangel]

knowing my ex looked at what i wrote in our shared document after he completely cut contact with me still, even weeks later, still fucks with me. at least i know he's okay, but it still messes with me too much. i still love and miss him and still think i deserve punishment for what ive done so i should stay in pain, but im tired of being in pain god i am so tired of it

i wonder if im actually just gonna go through with it one day, or stay stuck chronically suicidal. i had maybe 3 years of my life since i was 11 years old where i didnt want to kill myself so i dont think i will be easily fixed, i can only be distracted. i wish i could be distracted easier. but hey, living until my birthday could get me bday money for drugs to get fucked up on, something else to look forward to besides hoping to see C (and also get high with him but i want his comfort the most) before i go insane. maybe i can ask my mom for shrooms again thats something easy, she would let me get ket and shit but she knows places with good mushroom bars i dont gotta order online and wait. wish i knew irl plugs but my crippled ass barely leaves the house how am i gonna find a irl plug lmao. i should save some bday money for SN too, yknow just incase, i just wanna buy a jar and hopefully that doesnt go bad anytime soon, i mean it shouldnt really degrade that much if sealed over a few years even, at least not enough that its any less deadly, i would have to fact check that tho but if 1g can kill if i have 100g and it degrades a bit over time surely its still enough? i would hope so.

sometimes i wonder if i should get heroin to OD on, the plug ik says its fent free, but if i get some and snort a bunch (not sure if i could inject myself) while on my other meds like pregabs and shit i should probably die. trying heroin before SN anyways sounds kinda fun hah. i love opioids so im sure i would love it, probably better than fent because when i had it in the hospital i felt absolutely nothing and was still in pain and had to wait for the dialudid that for some reason worked better than fent??? and im told fent so strong???? unless they just gave me an infant dose it doesnt work for me im jealous of people who can get addicted to it because at least they actually fucking feel it and it stops pain. i deserve drugs that actually stop the pain. hah, spotify just started playing the song "The Drugs Don't Work" how funny