Help 2 Nights before i can't escape

[StarryEyed]

Je vais me coucher. Je vous donnerai des nouvelles demain matin. Aden, nous serons toujours amis dans mon cœur, où que tu sois . Ce fut un honneur de partager ta douleur. Merci de nous avoir fait confiance.

Voici l'une de mes chansons d'adieu préférées. Elle est pour toi, Aden. C'est Mark Knopfler avec « Wherever You Are ». Bonne nuit à tous.

((ENGLISH TRANSLATION))

I'm off to bed. I'll check in tomorrow morning. Aden, we will always be friends in my heart, wherever you are. It has been an honour to share your pain. Thank you for trusting us.

This is one of my favourite good-bye songs. This is for you, Aden. This is Mark Knopfler with "Wherever I Go ". Good night, everyone.

 

[Mp4]

It's amazing. Really i want to say thank you. During this latest days i check this thread and every of your messages is a breath of fresh air. It's very king to translate in french your english message.

I spent the day under the trees, enjoying the quiet to reflect and rest. I also followed your advice and went to get my favorite ice cream cone even though we had said that would be a "Plan B." I know the choice I'm making: to head toward death. My choice is clear, and I have no doubts left. I don't want to live my life without my soulmate, without my other half. Over the last two days, I've tried doing the things we loved to do, as well as things we would have liked to do. I've finished writing my farewell letters and arranged for them to be sent on August 14th—my girlfriend's birthday and the day we were supposed to get engaged. Now, one of the biggest challenges of my life awaits me. When I'm driving across the bridge, I manage to slow down—significantly—near the spot where I'd jump, but I've never managed to actually stop. Because, as I said, if I stop, there's no turning back; there are no "do-overs" or room for error. That is terrifying, and I keep telling myself over and over that I don't want to live my life without her whenever fear or the SI say "what if" and tries to give me false hope. I hope I can go through with it; I'd have so many regrets if I failed, and I'd be so ashamed to have spent days writing everything out only to back out in the end. Determination is what's needed—enough to ensure that the fear (which will always be there) is weaker than the desire to escape my horrible life.

I repeat to myself, if a 20 yo and a 61 yo succeded why not me at 28. I know it does not dépend of the age but to go over the barriere and then jump/fall, it shows that it's not a question of strengh or to be fast but to be determinated.

Thank you for your message and your presence. Yes people are very kind in this thread, since the beginning i can count on people that i don't know, but i know that everyday, every message will be read and support will be here. This is what i miss in my real life to do anything, live or die.

Please don't feel ashamed for spending these days writing how you feel, regardless of how it ends, no one should judge you for what you feel or for your decisions, specially in these moments, one should only deserve empathy and support, sadly it doesnt always go like that.
I would like to say soo many things too, try to give more help than what i do, but i dont have the words or the power to do it, so more people. As you said, sometimes we need to change things in real now.
I only hope that you know that we would like the best thing for you, i hope that you can find relief from all of this. Love for you

 

[Aren]

I just read through a bunch of this thread and I really feel for you. It's a hard thing to get through, heartbreak. I haven't lost someone in the way like yourself, but I have had to say goodbye to many girlfriends after having very disfunctional relationships - due to my own MH issues and issues holding down 'normal' relationships. So in a way, I can relate.

Like yourself, I am in France now. I live in a beautiful little countryside place but it's just so heartbreaking to know that I will never be able to build a family and a 'normal' life. It's all I ever wanted, and I just can't have it.

Either way, I am so so sorry for how you're feeling. The heat isn't helping at all, either. I truly hope you can find some rest, soon. I can very much relate to an environment that does not understand the heaviness of what you're going through and the helplessness that you feel deep down. I do want to remind you, this only seems to have happened to you a short while ago. This stuff can take a LONG time to heal, and I pray you will have the patience so that you may have another chance. If I can at all relate to what you might feel at those heights, after only having felt it at 12 feet, it's incredibly hard.

If you would like to speak on a more personal level, and know that there is somebody that cares and understands, feel free to send me a DM, or we can also just relay messages in this thread. Like others here have shown, I care about you and your health and have at least some understanding of what you're going through. It is not easy. It does not feel safe. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel and nothing anybody says can guarantee there ever will be. It's like that for me. I'm also just too scared to end it now, but I crave rest. I crave peace.

Much love, dear Aren. I hope to see you make it until tomorrow, at least. And I really hope that you may find peace and happiness. In this life, or beyond.

Thank you for your message. It made me cry because it's so soothing to have you and all others people in this thread. Since 1 month i talk to walls in my real life familly and health professionals.
Your word made me think about peace and even if you had issues you succed to have a little countryside place. How is it ? And with your experience what do you think you'll need to maybe have what you miss ? If it's possible for you. When i read your message i see it like how futur things could be.

Yes you right, i'm wandering in my car since 2-3 days without eat and almost drink. My car is sending alarms everywhere with the heat. I put myself in a hole.

At least now i know how live a city in the darkness but i don't enjoy it at all.

Right now i'm on a beach facing the bridge, i walk and walk thinking about memories if they can become a strenght.

Maybe i could achieve our dreams for her, like @StarryEyed said there is always someone at my side.

I don't know if it's my SI talking because I'm so scared of these 120 feets into the ocean or if I'm evolving. I don't want to regret and insult myself everyday of coward.


Police and fire rescue team are always on the bridge tonight it does not end...

Je vais me coucher. Je vous donnerai des nouvelles demain matin. Aden, nous serons toujours amis dans mon cœur, où que tu sois . Ce fut un honneur de partager ta douleur. Merci de nous avoir fait confiance.

Voici l'une de mes chansons d'adieu préférées. Elle est pour toi, Aden. C'est Mark Knopfler avec « Wherever You Are ». Bonne nuit à tous.

((ENGLISH TRANSLATION))

I'm off to bed. I'll check in tomorrow morning. Aden, we will always be friends in my heart, wherever you are. It has been an honour to share your pain. Thank you for trusting us.

This is one of my favourite good-bye songs. This is for you, Aden. This is Mark Knopfler with "Wherever I Go ". Good night, everyone.

Thank you and have a good night. In life or death i'll keep you as a Friend and an incredible support. Hope your life will be better because, you are kind and help me without knowing me with a strong support everyday. You deserve to be happy

 

[hdead]

Thank you for your message. It made me cry because it's so soothing to have you and all others people in this thread. Since 1 month i talk to walls in my real life familly and health professionals.

<3 I'm kinda sorry I made you cry. It makes me think about how much I cried in the past. These last few months, I haven't really felt any emotion aside from fear and frustration. It's strange, but the rest has just left me.

Your word made me think about peace and even if you had issues you succed to have a little countryside place. How is it ? And with your experience what do you think you'll need to maybe have what you miss ? If it's possible for you. When i read your message i see it like how futur things could be.

It's nice, it's quiet. I have a large garden even though the heat is really taking a toll on it and it's tough to work outside during the day. With my experience in life, I feel hopeless about getting what it is that I miss. I am 36 now, and there's just too many burnt bridges and trauma that I can fathom getting over. I'm taking it day by day, and devising my method. It's the only thing that brings me a real sense of peace. Trying to see myself living to old age, I cannot. I try, but I just don't see it happening. It's a long story, you can maybe imagine. I'm happy though, that you see some hope here. Maybe there is, but I can't see it. Perhaps one day. Until then, I'll be on DH, hehe.

Yes you right, i'm wandering in my car since 2-3 days without eat and almost drink. My car is sending alarms everywhere with the heat. I put myself in a hole.

At least now i know how live a city in the darkness but i don't enjoy it at all.

I come from living in a sort of city, and mainly moving between cities. I never liked it. It reminds me of how selfish human beings can be. There is hardly any balance between nature and everything revolves around money and efficiency. Nobody seems to have any patience or compassion and everything just moves so fast. That's why I ended up moving out, but now I just realise how freakin' lost I am, mentally. I relate to not enjoying the city. Though, nights and darkness in a city that does sleep a little can feel comforting, at least for me.

Right now i'm on a beach facing the bridge, i walk and walk thinking about memories if they can become a strenght.

Maybe i could achieve our dreams for her, like @StarryEyed said there is always someone at my side.

If you think on how many people are in similar positions to us, yes - there is always somebody on your side, be it physically or spiritually. You are not alone, even though there might not be a body next to you right now.

I don't know if it's my SI talking because I'm so scared of these 120 feets into the ocean or if I'm evolving. I don't want to regret and insult myself everyday of coward.

Of course you're scared. It is only natural. I know the kind of fear you feel - I felt it at much lower heights and I felt it even more intensly when I almost made myself pass out with a rope around my neck. All of this is no joke, as a matter of speech. You are NOT a coward. You are a human being in a very hard position right now. Please don't beat yourself up over this, even more than you're already beaten up. <3

Police and fire rescue team are always on the bridge tonight it does not end...

Thank you and have a good night. In life or death i'll keep you as a Friend and an incredible support. Hope your life will be better because, you are kind and help me without knowing me with a strong support everyday. You deserve to be happy

Same for you, my friend. I can only hope to meet you one day. <3 Have a good night, I hope you get some real rest and I hope you felt a little less alone. You helped me feel a little less alone tonight, and for that I thank you.

 

[Aren]

Please don't feel ashamed for spending these days writing how you feel, regardless of how it ends, no one should judge you for what you feel or for your decisions, specially in these moments, one should only deserve empathy and support, sadly it doesnt always go like that.
I would like to say soo many things too, try to give more help than what i do, but i dont have the words or the power to do it, so more people. As you said, sometimes we need to change things in real now.
I only hope that you know that we would like the best thing for you, i hope that you can find relief from all of this. Love for you

Thank you, your words and the power you sent me are very helpful. Shame and guilty are two things that bring me to pure sadness because i Always wanted to protect her and somehow failed. Everydays i thought bring her good things, and we were happy in a lot of these moments. But i did not see her pain. I regret it deep in my bones. "What if" these words... With these words we could rebuild the world but we can't see the futur and how people are for real.
I hope she found or will find peace and maybe one day we will be together again and share ours dreams again.

I have only 4 hours left to choose and try something. Redemption or Death... What a choice. Both are so hard. Hope or illusion from my Survival Instinct.

If i could jump i would. But today the icecream idea from @StarryEyed made me think : what if i become our dreams. It sounds maybe too romantic but i don't know it makes me feel something new.


Another point is lonelyness, i need to find people like you to share these dreams because i want to live with kind people with mutual support like now in this thread.

<3 I'm kinda sorry I made you cry. It makes me think about how much I cried in the past. These last few months, I haven't really felt any emotion aside from fear and frustration. It's strange, but the rest has just left me.

It's nice, it's quiet. I have a large garden even though the heat is really taking a toll on it and it's tough to work outside during the day. With my experience in life, I feel hopeless about getting what it is that I miss. I am 36 now, and there's just too many burnt bridges and trauma that I can fathom getting over. I'm taking it day by day, and devising my method. It's the only thing that brings me a real sense of peace. Trying to see myself living to old age, I cannot. I try, but I just don't see it happening. It's a long story, you can maybe imagine. I'm happy though, that you see some hope here. Maybe there is, but I can't see it. Perhaps one day. Until then, I'll be on DH, hehe.

I come from living in a sort of city, and mainly moving between cities. I never liked it. It reminds me of how selfish human beings can be. There is hardly any balance between nature and everything revolves around money and efficiency. Nobody seems to have any patience or compassion and everything just moves so fast. That's why I ended up moving out, but now I just realise how freakin' lost I am, mentally. I relate to not enjoying the city. Though, nights and darkness in a city that does sleep a little can feel comforting, at least for me.

If you think on how many people are in similar positions to us, yes - there is always somebody on your side, be it physically or spiritually. You are not alone, even though there might not be a body next to you right now.

Of course you're scared. It is only natural. I know the kind of fear you feel - I felt it at much lower heights and I felt it even more intensly when I almost made myself pass out with a rope around my neck. All of this is no joke, as a matter of speech. You are NOT a coward. You are a human being in a very hard position right now. Please don't beat yourself up over this, even more than you're already beaten up. <3

Same for you, my friend. I can only hope to meet you one day. <3 Have a good night, I hope you get some real rest and I hope you felt a little less alone. You helped me feel a little less alone tonight, and for that I thank you.

Thank you for this message it helps me a lot. I know we have differents loges but I can relate and share it help a lot to understand where i am. I agree with all your points ^^ And like i said in another message, yes i think i need to share my life with more people like here who suport others mutually even it's hard for all of us. I'm happy that you felt a little less alone, same for me.

 

[StarryEyed]

Good morning. How is everyone today? Aren, are you still with us?

 

[Ben 111]

Im so sorry aren and everyone who is feeling this way just know that ur loved and not alone

Good morning. How is everyone today? Aren, are you still with us?

Morning

 

[StarryEyed]

Good morning Ben. Yesterday I asked some of my French friends here to recommend a song for Aren. I just told them he's French, 28 and grieving the death of his girlfriend. I didn't say he was/is suicidal. There is one that I like, which my friend Jean-Jacques just sent. I don't understand what she's saying, but it sounds beautiful and I trust the ethers that this is the one for Aren. A few years ago, Jean-Jacques' brother died by suicide. This is Dalida singing "Julien."

 

[Ben 111]

You're a thoughtful person starryeyed I think that's a great idea for aren to atleast feel loved and cared forgrieving your loved ones must be the most painful emotions someone can experience...Aren your not alone we can feel ur pain even though you don't know us, were still connected in our hearts..

 

[StarryEyed]

Ben, thank you. You know there are so many beautiful, kind people on this forum. It's such an honour to be amongst such people. I can't imagine the pain from Aren's loss. Nor the pain so many people here are suffering. What I do know is the world in general does not treat us well when we're in this place. In fact, it is typically brutal. So I believe the solution is what Mahatma Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world". I think the world would be a better place if we were treated with kindness and respect. What do you think?

 

[Aren]

Good morning. How is everyone today? Aren, are you still with us?

Yes i am. With the day of yesterday i choose to try to live for our dreams with her at my side and if i can't do it or finish it, i'll join her because there will be nothing left to be with her.

I say i will try because to do it i have to survive during 1-2 years in my toxic family every day. And the 14th august will be very very Hard because it's her birthday and the moment when i would like to marry her is she was still here...

So i keep open this thread because many people are kind here and i think it's a safe place for me and others person who talk about the subject of this thread and the evolution.
And i keep it open because i really don't know if i will handle this big challenge during 1-2 years. Someone say to me that, with some tricks maybe i'll stay 3-4 month.

Thank you for your support and i will continue to write here because a part of me is still on this bridge.

For those who want to know, yes i went to the bridge, it was harder than others times because there were police and rescue team everywhere due to a big fire. But i got 2 times to do it quickly. Then i think of this icecream and our dreams. It was almost peaceful when i did eat this icecream that we promised each other to eat someday (it's a special icecream only made in the city where i lived), so maybe i can live for our others dreams.

Thank you for the support and for checking if i was well or not. It helps me so much everyday

Im so sorry aren and everyone who is feeling this way just know that ur loved and not alone

Morning

Thank you for your support and presence it means a lot for me to see message like this

Good morning Ben. Yesterday I asked some of my French friends here to recommend a song for Aren. I just told them he's French, 28 and grieving the death of his girlfriend. I didn't say he was/is suicidal. There is one that I like, which my friend Jean-Jacques just sent. I don't understand what she's saying, but it sounds beautiful and I trust the ethers that this is the one for Aren. A few years ago, Jean-Jacques' brother died by suicide. This is Dalida singing "Julien."

Omg Dalida, in my country some people 50-60 yo talk about her like a legend ^^

Ben, thank you. You know there are so many beautiful, kind people on this forum. It's such an honour to be amongst such people. I can't imagine the pain from Aren's loss. Nor the pain so many people here are suffering. What I do know is the world in general does not treat us well when we're in this place. In fact, it is typically brutal. So I believe the solution is what Mahatma Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world". I think the world would be a better place if we were treated with kindness and respect. What do you think?

I agree. I try it around me as soon as i have an enough good context of life even a little because for me it requires a minimum of energy and "good" vibes otherwise i dig my own hole... just see smile on people face is good and make me believe a little in humanity. I would like to live in a world with smile. And people who support each others like us in this thread.
Yesterday and the last night may have changed my life, we will see it in the next days, weeks, months and the final countdown in 2 years maximum. Hope the hard face of the situation will be shorter than 2 years...

 

[StarryEyed]

Wow, Aren. Mon cœur bat de nouveau. Merci. Je suis heureuse que tu aies trouvé la force d'espérer pour ce monde. Il en faut beaucoup pour ça ! J'ai hâte de partager notre douleur et de la surmonter ensemble. Tu peux toujours revenir au plan A (le suicide) si tu as besoin d'une pause après le plan B (la glace). Aux États-Unis, il existe un programme appelé Project Semicolon, qui nous permet d'envisager le suicide comme une option. Je pense que certains d'entre nous ont besoin d'y penser, parfois même pour survivre. Et puis, il y a ceux qui n'y pensent jamais et qui, par conséquent, ne comprennent pas. Les personnes qui croient en ce projet se font tatouer pour s'y engager. J'ai un tatouage. Si ça t'intéresse, voici un lien. J'espère que tu as l'extension Google Traduction pour que tu puisses traduire.

Project Semicolon – Project Semicolon is a Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Organization

projectsemicolon.com

((ENGLISH TRANSLATION))

Wow, Aren. My heart is beating again. Thank you. I am happy that you have found the strength to have hope for this world. That takes a lot of strength! I look forward to sharing our pain and to working through our pain together. You can always go back to Plan A of suicide if you need a break from Plan B ice cream. There is a program in the US called Project Semicolon, which allows us to think about suicide as an option. I think some of us need to think about suicide and sometimes even need to in order to survive. And there are some people who never think about suicide and therefore don't understand this. People who believe in this project get tattooed to commit to this project. I have a tattoo. In case you're interested, here is a link. I hope you have Google Translate add-on so you can translate.

Project Semicolon – Project Semicolon is a Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Organization

projectsemicolon.com