Help 2 Nights before i can't escape

[StarryEyed]

Je vais me coucher. Je vous donnerai des nouvelles demain matin. Aden, nous serons toujours amis dans mon cœur, où que tu sois . Ce fut un honneur de partager ta douleur. Merci de nous avoir fait confiance.

Voici l'une de mes chansons d'adieu préférées. Elle est pour toi, Aden. C'est Mark Knopfler avec « Wherever You Are ». Bonne nuit à tous.

((ENGLISH TRANSLATION))

I'm off to bed. I'll check in tomorrow morning. Aden, we will always be friends in my heart, wherever you are. It has been an honour to share your pain. Thank you for trusting us.

This is one of my favourite good-bye songs. This is for you, Aden. This is Mark Knopfler with "Wherever I Go ". Good night, everyone.

 

[Mp4]

It's amazing. Really i want to say thank you. During this latest days i check this thread and every of your messages is a breath of fresh air. It's very king to translate in french your english message.

I spent the day under the trees, enjoying the quiet to reflect and rest. I also followed your advice and went to get my favorite ice cream cone even though we had said that would be a "Plan B." I know the choice I'm making: to head toward death. My choice is clear, and I have no doubts left. I don't want to live my life without my soulmate, without my other half. Over the last two days, I've tried doing the things we loved to do, as well as things we would have liked to do. I've finished writing my farewell letters and arranged for them to be sent on August 14th—my girlfriend's birthday and the day we were supposed to get engaged. Now, one of the biggest challenges of my life awaits me. When I'm driving across the bridge, I manage to slow down—significantly—near the spot where I'd jump, but I've never managed to actually stop. Because, as I said, if I stop, there's no turning back; there are no "do-overs" or room for error. That is terrifying, and I keep telling myself over and over that I don't want to live my life without her whenever fear or the SI say "what if" and tries to give me false hope. I hope I can go through with it; I'd have so many regrets if I failed, and I'd be so ashamed to have spent days writing everything out only to back out in the end. Determination is what's needed—enough to ensure that the fear (which will always be there) is weaker than the desire to escape my horrible life.

I repeat to myself, if a 20 yo and a 61 yo succeded why not me at 28. I know it does not dépend of the age but to go over the barriere and then jump/fall, it shows that it's not a question of strengh or to be fast but to be determinated.

Thank you for your message and your presence. Yes people are very kind in this thread, since the beginning i can count on people that i don't know, but i know that everyday, every message will be read and support will be here. This is what i miss in my real life to do anything, live or die.

Please don't feel ashamed for spending these days writing how you feel, regardless of how it ends, no one should judge you for what you feel or for your decisions, specially in these moments, one should only deserve empathy and support, sadly it doesnt always go like that.
I would like to say soo many things too, try to give more help than what i do, but i dont have the words or the power to do it, so more people. As you said, sometimes we need to change things in real now.
I only hope that you know that we would like the best thing for you, i hope that you can find relief from all of this. Love for you

 

[Aren]

I just read through a bunch of this thread and I really feel for you. It's a hard thing to get through, heartbreak. I haven't lost someone in the way like yourself, but I have had to say goodbye to many girlfriends after having very disfunctional relationships - due to my own MH issues and issues holding down 'normal' relationships. So in a way, I can relate.

Like yourself, I am in France now. I live in a beautiful little countryside place but it's just so heartbreaking to know that I will never be able to build a family and a 'normal' life. It's all I ever wanted, and I just can't have it.

Either way, I am so so sorry for how you're feeling. The heat isn't helping at all, either. I truly hope you can find some rest, soon. I can very much relate to an environment that does not understand the heaviness of what you're going through and the helplessness that you feel deep down. I do want to remind you, this only seems to have happened to you a short while ago. This stuff can take a LONG time to heal, and I pray you will have the patience so that you may have another chance. If I can at all relate to what you might feel at those heights, after only having felt it at 12 feet, it's incredibly hard.

If you would like to speak on a more personal level, and know that there is somebody that cares and understands, feel free to send me a DM, or we can also just relay messages in this thread. Like others here have shown, I care about you and your health and have at least some understanding of what you're going through. It is not easy. It does not feel safe. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel and nothing anybody says can guarantee there ever will be. It's like that for me. I'm also just too scared to end it now, but I crave rest. I crave peace.

Much love, dear Aren. I hope to see you make it until tomorrow, at least. And I really hope that you may find peace and happiness. In this life, or beyond.

Thank you for your message. It made me cry because it's so soothing to have you and all others people in this thread. Since 1 month i talk to walls in my real life familly and health professionals.
Your word made me think about peace and even if you had issues you succed to have a little countryside place. How is it ? And with your experience what do you think you'll need to maybe have what you miss ? If it's possible for you. When i read your message i see it like how futur things could be.

Yes you right, i'm wandering in my car since 2-3 days without eat and almost drink. My car is sending alarms everywhere with the heat. I put myself in a hole.

At least now i know how live a city in the darkness but i don't enjoy it at all.

Right now i'm on a beach facing the bridge, i walk and walk thinking about memories if they can become a strenght.

Maybe i could achieve our dreams for her, like @StarryEyed said there is always someone at my side.

I don't know if it's my SI talking because I'm so scared of these 120 feets into the ocean or if I'm evolving. I don't want to regret and insult myself everyday of coward.


Police and fire rescue team are always on the bridge tonight it does not end...

Je vais me coucher. Je vous donnerai des nouvelles demain matin. Aden, nous serons toujours amis dans mon cœur, où que tu sois . Ce fut un honneur de partager ta douleur. Merci de nous avoir fait confiance.

Voici l'une de mes chansons d'adieu préférées. Elle est pour toi, Aden. C'est Mark Knopfler avec « Wherever You Are ». Bonne nuit à tous.

((ENGLISH TRANSLATION))

I'm off to bed. I'll check in tomorrow morning. Aden, we will always be friends in my heart, wherever you are. It has been an honour to share your pain. Thank you for trusting us.

This is one of my favourite good-bye songs. This is for you, Aden. This is Mark Knopfler with "Wherever I Go ". Good night, everyone.

Thank you and have a good night. In life or death i'll keep you as a Friend and an incredible support. Hope your life will be better because, you are kind and help me without knowing me with a strong support everyday. You deserve to be happy

 

[hdead]

Thank you for your message. It made me cry because it's so soothing to have you and all others people in this thread. Since 1 month i talk to walls in my real life familly and health professionals.

<3 I'm kinda sorry I made you cry. It makes me think about how much I cried in the past. These last few months, I haven't really felt any emotion aside from fear and frustration. It's strange, but the rest has just left me.

Your word made me think about peace and even if you had issues you succed to have a little countryside place. How is it ? And with your experience what do you think you'll need to maybe have what you miss ? If it's possible for you. When i read your message i see it like how futur things could be.

It's nice, it's quiet. I have a large garden even though the heat is really taking a toll on it and it's tough to work outside during the day. With my experience in life, I feel hopeless about getting what it is that I miss. I am 36 now, and there's just too many burnt bridges and trauma that I can fathom getting over. I'm taking it day by day, and devising my method. It's the only thing that brings me a real sense of peace. Trying to see myself living to old age, I cannot. I try, but I just don't see it happening. It's a long story, you can maybe imagine. I'm happy though, that you see some hope here. Maybe there is, but I can't see it. Perhaps one day. Until then, I'll be on DH, hehe.

Yes you right, i'm wandering in my car since 2-3 days without eat and almost drink. My car is sending alarms everywhere with the heat. I put myself in a hole.

At least now i know how live a city in the darkness but i don't enjoy it at all.

I come from living in a sort of city, and mainly moving between cities. I never liked it. It reminds me of how selfish human beings can be. There is hardly any balance between nature and everything revolves around money and efficiency. Nobody seems to have any patience or compassion and everything just moves so fast. That's why I ended up moving out, but now I just realise how freakin' lost I am, mentally. I relate to not enjoying the city. Though, nights and darkness in a city that does sleep a little can feel comforting, at least for me.

Right now i'm on a beach facing the bridge, i walk and walk thinking about memories if they can become a strenght.

Maybe i could achieve our dreams for her, like @StarryEyed said there is always someone at my side.

If you think on how many people are in similar positions to us, yes - there is always somebody on your side, be it physically or spiritually. You are not alone, even though there might not be a body next to you right now.

I don't know if it's my SI talking because I'm so scared of these 120 feets into the ocean or if I'm evolving. I don't want to regret and insult myself everyday of coward.

Of course you're scared. It is only natural. I know the kind of fear you feel - I felt it at much lower heights and I felt it even more intensly when I almost made myself pass out with a rope around my neck. All of this is no joke, as a matter of speech. You are NOT a coward. You are a human being in a very hard position right now. Please don't beat yourself up over this, even more than you're already beaten up. <3

Police and fire rescue team are always on the bridge tonight it does not end...

Thank you and have a good night. In life or death i'll keep you as a Friend and an incredible support. Hope your life will be better because, you are kind and help me without knowing me with a strong support everyday. You deserve to be happy

Same for you, my friend. I can only hope to meet you one day. <3 Have a good night, I hope you get some real rest and I hope you felt a little less alone. You helped me feel a little less alone tonight, and for that I thank you.

 

[Aren]

Please don't feel ashamed for spending these days writing how you feel, regardless of how it ends, no one should judge you for what you feel or for your decisions, specially in these moments, one should only deserve empathy and support, sadly it doesnt always go like that.
I would like to say soo many things too, try to give more help than what i do, but i dont have the words or the power to do it, so more people. As you said, sometimes we need to change things in real now.
I only hope that you know that we would like the best thing for you, i hope that you can find relief from all of this. Love for you

Thank you, your words and the power you sent me are very helpful. Shame and guilty are two things that bring me to pure sadness because i Always wanted to protect her and somehow failed. Everydays i thought bring her good things, and we were happy in a lot of these moments. But i did not see her pain. I regret it deep in my bones. "What if" these words... With these words we could rebuild the world but we can't see the futur and how people are for real.
I hope she found or will find peace and maybe one day we will be together again and share ours dreams again.

I have only 4 hours left to choose and try something. Redemption or Death... What a choice. Both are so hard. Hope or illusion from my Survival Instinct.

If i could jump i would. But today the icecream idea from @StarryEyed made me think : what if i become our dreams. It sounds maybe too romantic but i don't know it makes me feel something new.


Another point is lonelyness, i need to find people like you to share these dreams because i want to live with kind people with mutual support like now in this thread.

<3 I'm kinda sorry I made you cry. It makes me think about how much I cried in the past. These last few months, I haven't really felt any emotion aside from fear and frustration. It's strange, but the rest has just left me.

It's nice, it's quiet. I have a large garden even though the heat is really taking a toll on it and it's tough to work outside during the day. With my experience in life, I feel hopeless about getting what it is that I miss. I am 36 now, and there's just too many burnt bridges and trauma that I can fathom getting over. I'm taking it day by day, and devising my method. It's the only thing that brings me a real sense of peace. Trying to see myself living to old age, I cannot. I try, but I just don't see it happening. It's a long story, you can maybe imagine. I'm happy though, that you see some hope here. Maybe there is, but I can't see it. Perhaps one day. Until then, I'll be on DH, hehe.

I come from living in a sort of city, and mainly moving between cities. I never liked it. It reminds me of how selfish human beings can be. There is hardly any balance between nature and everything revolves around money and efficiency. Nobody seems to have any patience or compassion and everything just moves so fast. That's why I ended up moving out, but now I just realise how freakin' lost I am, mentally. I relate to not enjoying the city. Though, nights and darkness in a city that does sleep a little can feel comforting, at least for me.

If you think on how many people are in similar positions to us, yes - there is always somebody on your side, be it physically or spiritually. You are not alone, even though there might not be a body next to you right now.

Of course you're scared. It is only natural. I know the kind of fear you feel - I felt it at much lower heights and I felt it even more intensly when I almost made myself pass out with a rope around my neck. All of this is no joke, as a matter of speech. You are NOT a coward. You are a human being in a very hard position right now. Please don't beat yourself up over this, even more than you're already beaten up. <3

Same for you, my friend. I can only hope to meet you one day. <3 Have a good night, I hope you get some real rest and I hope you felt a little less alone. You helped me feel a little less alone tonight, and for that I thank you.

Thank you for this message it helps me a lot. I know we have differents loges but I can relate and share it help a lot to understand where i am. I agree with all your points ^^ And like i said in another message, yes i think i need to share my life with more people like here who suport others mutually even it's hard for all of us. I'm happy that you felt a little less alone, same for me.