Help 2 Nights before i can't escape

[StarryEyed]

I couldn't do it either, @telekon, for fear of heights - even without the thought of jumping! Yikes!

@Aren are you still with us? I'm just waking up, and you're on my mind.

 

[Aren]

I couldn't do it either, @telekon, for fear of heights - even without the thought of jumping! Yikes!

@Aren are you still with us? I'm just waking up, and you're on my mind.

We don't know in person but i think you are one of the only person to have me in mind. So thank you.
I'm near the bridge. I went to places where me and my girlfriend loved to go, but alone it's just pain. I try everything today, call every support i could but i have only earn "no we can't help you" even the last professional project i had here has been canceled by some people.

At this moment I'm on a bench at a park where we used to go. I'm waiting and suffering, I'm so sad my entire body makes me feel pain and it's very hot outside, i have nowhere to go. I feel like I'm already facing the death of tonight. What a shitty life even in the end.

jumping off a bridge is so f'in scary. I have a bridge too but looking down it for more than a minute gives me a feeling I can't explain, like there's just no way I could do it.

I agree it does scare me but at the moment i write this, I'm in a pain and anxiety very hight and alone. I need to do it and i hope on impulsivity...

 

[StarryEyed]

Hey @Aren. Thank you for writing back. I'm sitting beside you on the bench, in spirit - if you want. Maybe you can imagine your girlfriend with you there? I live by the sea too, in Spain, and have been thinking about going there to end it all. But I have many fears about the sea. I have so many fears. What country do you live in?

 

[Aren]

Hey @Aren. Thank you for writing back. I'm sitting beside you on the bench, in spirit - if you want. Maybe you can imagine your girlfriend with you there? I live by the sea too, in Spain, and have been thinking about going there to end it all. But I have many fears about the sea. I have so many fears. What country do you live in?

Thank you, it's hard I'm only crying right now... Just want to jump. This is the impulsion i searched, i just found it... I live in France. Romantic country for those who are not alone.
Hours are going to be long. 7-8 hours. I don't know if i can wait and just go now or soon. But night is better if i want to succed.
I went 2 Times in Spain it was beautiful. We planned to go to Italia. It would be a good place to ask her to become my wife and marry me.

I checked our stuff and nothing has moved. Even the place where she ate, it looks like pure depression for her and i did not saw his pain in totality.. Now it's too late and I'm wandering with ghosts right now. Hope they take me with us.

 

[StarryEyed]

Oh we're neighbours then. I have many friends from France and two of my cousins are French.

The supports here in Spain for mental health crisis are shit too. Practically nothing. Besides I don't speak Spanish well so even if I could get help, it wouldn't be much use. There are a couple of places I found in France you could call, but maybe you called all these already? Just in case you want to think about calling, this is what I found...

Find Help | Reasons To Stay

If you're in immediate danger, call your local emergency number or go to your nearest emergency department.

reasonstostay.org

Yes, Spain is beautiful. I haven't seen very much here because I'm afraid to travel. But I like what I see. But it's crazy hot!!! Right now it's 36 degrees!

Sending you big hugs and this song that I love. I found it two years ago just before one of my best friends died, and so I think of it as our song. This is "If I Needed You" by the White Horse Guitar Club".

 

[Aren]

Oh we're neighbours then. I have many friends from France and two of my cousins are French.

The supports here in Spain for mental health crisis are shit too. Practically nothing. Besides I don't speak Spanish well so even if I could get help, it wouldn't be much use. There are a couple of places I found in France you could call, but maybe you called all these already? Just in case you want to think about calling, this is what I found...

Find Help | Reasons To Stay

If you're in immediate danger, call your local emergency number or go to your nearest emergency department.

reasonstostay.org

Yes, Spain is beautiful. I haven't seen very much here because I'm afraid to travel. But I like what I see. But it's crazy hot!!! Right now it's 36 degrees!

Sending you big hugs and this song that I love. I found it two years ago just before one of my best friends died, and so I think of it as our song. This is "If I Needed You" by the White Horse Guitar Club".

Thank you. Today a lot of people put pressure on me too, i think i have more impulsion than needed. Anxiety is very hight right now.
I tried the main call center and waited for 1h15 min with no one and after that nobody answered

 

[StarryEyed]

You're welcome I think it's completely natural to feel anxious when you're about to jump off a bridge. I'm no expert, but it makes sense to me

I found an even more beautiful version of that song. Wow. This is Rachel Bradshaw and Jamey Johnson....

 

[Aren]

You're welcome I think it's completely natural to feel anxious when you're about to jump off a bridge. I'm no expert, but it makes sense to me

I found an even more beautiful version of that song. Wow. This is Rachel Bradshaw and Jamey Johnson....

People are just ignoring me tonight. They put pressure on me then left without taking consequences. I asked for impulsion, now i'm so desesperate.

 

[StarryEyed]

People are difficult to depend on because relationships are typically fragile, in my experience. So I just try to enjoy them while they last. It's hard to keep friends in crisis. It's especially hard to make friends in crisis. In my experience. Which is why this site is so cool - we're in crisis yet helping eachother.

Here's a song for you by one of my favourite artists from France, The Avenener with "To Let Myself Go".

 

[Aren]

People are difficult to depend on because relationships are typically fragile, in my experience. So I just try to enjoy them while they last. It's hard to keep friends in crisis. It's especially hard to make friends in crisis. In my experience. Which is why this site is so cool - we're in crisis yet helping eachother.

Here's a song for you by one of my favourite artists from France, The Avenener with "To Let Myself Go".

Thank you, you are right. Thanks to accompany me in this horrible night.

 

[StarryEyed]

You're welcome I'm going to sleep now.

Just one last thought ... There are other people on the forum to talk to. You can join another conversation, of course.

Oh, and sometimes when I feel alone, I see people in the things around me. Like someone made the bench you were sitting on. Someone cleans the seashore you go to. Someone built the bridge you're going to. Someone set up this forum. Someone is moderating the conversations. Someone built the car you're driving. Someone made the YouTube videos I sent you. Someone developed the Internet. Someone taught me and you to write. So when you think about it, there are always a lot of people around all of us. So we are never alone.

Here is one of my favourite songs for you while you sit in silence, "The Sound of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel. Good night and big hugs

 

[Mirrors]

Chiming in just to sit on this mental bench with you as well. I hope you're still with us, I'm here to hold your hand through the night.

 

[Aren]

You're welcome I'm going to sleep now.

Just one last thought ... There are other people on the forum to talk to. You can join another conversation, of course.

Oh, and sometimes when I feel alone, I see people in the things around me. Like someone made the bench you were sitting on. Someone cleans the seashore you go to. Someone built the bridge you're going to. Someone set up this forum. Someone is moderating the conversations. Someone built the car you're driving. Someone made the YouTube videos I sent you. Someone developed the Internet. Someone taught me and you to write. So when you think about it, there are always a lot of people around all of us. So we are never alone.

Here is one of my favourite songs for you while you sit in silence, "The Sound of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel. Good night and big hugs

Thank you very very much. It's so hard. Harder than i though...

Chiming in just to sit on this mental bench with you as well. I hope you're still with us, I'm here to hold your hand through the night.

Thank you for your support ! People here are so kind. Night is going to be long... I am so sad and so far from my life. I want to end it. But courage is the main issue. I have anxiety hight like never before, impulsion is here too. Need to fight SI and I'm free. I have now until 4 am to do it. So 3 hours to try.

 

[Mp4]

Thank you very very much. It's so hard. Harder than i though...

Thank you for your support ! People here are so kind. Night is going to be long... I am so sad and so far from my life. I want to end it. But courage is the main issue. I have anxiety hight like never before, impulsion is here too. Need to fight SI and I'm free. I have now until 4 am to do it. So 3 hours to try.

I have been reading what you say these days, i created this account just to say that i hope everything goes right
I know how it is to pass for those final hours, the pressure that one puts in himself to finally do it is horrible, specially if one thinks that there is no more time.
I dont have much to say, your decision is yours so is your life. I only hope that, regardless of your decision, you find some calm and peace after everything that happened.

 

[Aren]

I have been reading what you say these days, i created this account just to say that i hope everything goes right
I know how it is to pass for those final hours, the pressure that one puts in himself to finally do it is horrible, specially if one thinks that there is no more time.
I dont have much to say, your decision is yours so is your life. I only hope that, regardless of your decision, you find some calm and peace after everything that happened.

Thank you. For now i am so tired... I took some benzo to calm down the anxiety and go for it after.

 

[StarryEyed]

Good morning @Aren, @Mirrors and @Mp4.

 

[Aren]

Good morning @Aren, @Mirrors and @Mp4.

Unfortunatly I'm still here. Anxiety was too hight so i took benzo but i think all the pressure change impulsion to be very tired. I could not do anything. I drove on the bridge but all my body just ask to sleep and it hurted me. I have one night left, i will try my best to rest today and see what happen tonight because the issue stay the same after all... I don't see my self go back

 

[StarryEyed]

Unfortunately I'm still here too. I'm sorry you're still in your pain. It's crazy hot again today here. Is it hot there? I didn't go out yesterday because it was too hot. My apartment is like a fucking oven. I will try to go out a little this morning to get some groceries and go to the bank. Did you sleep in your car? Or did you go back to your parents to sleep?

Here is a soft morning song for you. I love the peaceful scenery in this video. This is "San Luis" by Gregory Alan Isakov. I love you.

 

[Aren]

Unfortunately I'm still here too. I'm sorry you're still in your pain. It's crazy hot again today here. Is it hot there? I didn't go out yesterday because it was too hot. My apartment is like a fucking oven. I will try to go out a little this morning to get some groceries and go to the bank. Did you sleep in your car? Or did you go back to your parents to sleep?

Here is a soft morning song for you. I love the peaceful scenery in this video. This is "San Luis" by Gregory Alan Isakov. I love you.

It's hot outside and yes i could only sleep in my car. If i at least temperature can be lower.
I try my best to have a good spot without sun to rest the most for to night

 

[StarryEyed]

Hi Aren. Hopefully you can get some sleep. I got my groceries for the week, but it is too hot to go to the bank. So I have the air-conditioning on now at home and will stay inside the rest of the day.

Do you speak French? What kind of music do you like? Here is another song for you. I just love this. This one has no words. This is "Metamorphosis" by City in the Sun.

 

[Aren]

I found a bench in front of the bridge. I try to prepare my brain and my SI to accept that this bridge is my freedom. Today I called emergency number, family and no one could help me except to say "you can't bring her back, you have to move on". I mean, those people are family and rescue team? I don't believe it. "Accept your fate to live with pain" no one wants it so why would i?

Hi Aren. Hopefully you can get some sleep. I got my groceries for the week, but it is too hot to go to the bank. So I have the air-conditioning on now at home and will stay inside the rest of the day.

Do you speak French? What kind of music do you like? Here is another song for you. I just love this. This one has no words. This is "Metamorphosis" by City in the Sun.

I'm glad you reach the groceries and have air-conditioning it's a luck today.
Yes i speak french. But i don't like french music ^^ most of the song are depressive in France. But i used to like Orelsan or Stromae because the lyrics are so true. But i think if i listen to it now i will cry again and again...

 

[StarryEyed]

I hope it makes you feel better sitting on your bench and thinking of jumping off that bridge. It helps me a lot to think about ending my life as the only guarantee of stopping the pain.

Yes, of course you know it's true that you have to accept that your girlfriend will never come back. But in order to accept it, there are things you can do. Some people can help you but others can't help you. It's so hard to get the energy to find those people when you're hurting so much, right? But they are out there. Maybe I can help? I'm here. Maybe you can count me as one? There are some other people in your thread here who have checked in. Maybe you can count those people?

Maybe for today it is enough to just rest and catch your breath? And maybe today you can think about your choice to try to jump off the bridge . That's Plan A. And if that doesn't work, maybe Plan B could be that tomorrow you get some ice cream and consider finding other people to help with your pain? Maybe you can find a grieving group? Or maybe Plan B could be to try again for the bridge jump tomorrow?

I don't like French music much either. Or Spanish music. But I'm crazy about guitars, including the Spanish guitar. Here's one of my favourites for you. This is Pablo Saínz-Villegas with "Adelita".

 

[Aren]

I hope it makes you feel better sitting on your bench and thinking of jumping off that bridge. It helps me a lot to think about ending my life as the only guarantee of stopping the pain.

Yes, of course you know it's true that you have to accept that your girlfriend will never come back. But in order to accept it, there are things you can do. Some people can help you but others can't help you. It's so hard to get the energy to find those people when you're hurting so much, right? But they are out there. Maybe I can help? I'm here. Maybe you can count me as one? There are some other people in your thread here who have checked in. Maybe you can count those people?

Maybe for today it is enough to just rest and catch your breath? And maybe today you can think about your choice to try to jump off the bridge . That's Plan A. And if that doesn't work, maybe Plan B could be that tomorrow you get some ice cream and consider finding other people to help with your pain? Maybe you can find a grieving group? Or maybe Plan B could be to try again for the bridge jump tomorrow?

I don't like French music much either. Or Spanish music. But I'm crazy about guitars, including the Spanish guitar. Here's one of my favourites for you. This is Pablo Saínz-Villegas with "Adelita".

Yes it's true. People here and you are very helpful. I have no more energy to find good people in my family and friend who really help me... I spent almost 8 years to find support other than my girlfriend but never found in my real life.
She was all for me. She said in bad times "it's us against the world".
I don't know for group, I'm so disappointed by the support Line, therapy... Because yes talk and think help but sometimes we need to change things in real now. And for this thèse health professionals are useless in my situation. Today one of them tell me to choose the least bad solution.

Spanish guitar is cool

For plan B. I do not want another plan B, i tried my plan B yesterday and failed...
I read many people jumped, from 20 yo to 67 yo so why not me. If they could, i can. I must to stop thinking about what life could bé with a new job etc because i just want to be with her.

My therapist tried so hard to help me accept it but he advises to go away to a new country, city far in my country. I answered everytime : How ? With which money and energy? I have no answer everytime.

 

[StarryEyed]

Since you speak French, so that we can communicate better, I will translate into French for you, using Google Translate. I know very little French, but I know if I use simple language, Google Translate is very good. See if you like this way of communicating. Unfortunately, I do not know how to make this in informal language, so unfortunately I have to call you vous. I apologize!

Puisque vous parlez français, pour faciliter la communication, je vais traduire pour vous. Je commencerai par l'anglais, puis je le traduirai en français avec Google Traduction. Je ne connais que quelques mots de français, mais je sais qu'avec un langage simple, Google Traduction est très performant. Voyez si cette façon de communiquer vous convient. Malheureusement, je ne sais pas comment le dire de façon informelle, je dois donc malheureusement vous appeler « vous ». Je m'en excuse !

Pour être clair, je ne suis ni intervenant en situation de crise ni professionnel de la santé mentale. Mon point de vue est donc, comme celui des autres membres de ce forum, celui d'un soutien entre pairs. De plus, comme vous le savez, je vis en Espagne et je ne parle pas français. Je ne peux donc pas vous indiquer les ressources disponibles en France, hormis des informations générales. Par ailleurs, je ne sais pratiquement rien de vous : votre passé, votre situation actuelle, vos rêves, vos forces, vos faiblesses, votre parcours scolaire ou professionnel, etc. Cela limite également ma capacité à vous apporter soutien ou conseils.

Permettez-moi donc de m'adresser à vous en tant que personne qui, comme moi, est confrontée à des pensées suicidaires.

La vie est dure. Vraiment très dure. Elle est plus dure pour certains que pour d'autres. Mais elle est dure pour chacun, à sa manière. Nous avons tous des défis à relever. Nous avons tous des forces. Nous avons tous des faiblesses. Nous avons tous de la chance et de la malchance. Nous souffrons tous, certains plus que d'autres. Nous avons tous mal, certains plus que d'autres. Lorsque la douleur et la souffrance deviennent insupportables, nous avons deux choix : quitter ce monde ou y rester. Si vous quittez ce monde, la douleur cessera immédiatement. Si vous restez, vous devrez apprendre à la connaître. Si vous avez décidé que vous ne pouvez plus supporter la douleur, cela signifie que vous ne trouvez pas la solution en vous ni auprès de votre entourage. Alors, si vous décidez de rester, la seule façon de surmonter votre douleur est de trouver de nouveaux soutiens. Ces soutiens peuvent prendre la forme de livres, de films, de groupes en ligne ou en présentiel, de lignes d'écoute, d'activités créatives comme la photographie, l'écriture, la sculpture (peu importe), l'écriture d'un livre… tant de choses. Il y a actuellement 8,3 milliards d'êtres humains sur cette planète. Cela représente une aide potentielle considérable. La perte d'un être cher est une épreuve courante, hier comme aujourd'hui - et encore demain.

Enfin, vous seul pouvez ressentir votre douleur et la mesurer. Personne ne peut donc décider à votre place si vous pouvez ou non l'endurer. Personne d'autre que vous ne peut décider si vous devez ou non quitter ce monde. Je crois que c'est le seul choix que nous puissions faire dans notre vie. Je vous soutiens, quoi qu'il arrive. C'est le but de ce forum : vous permettre de décider, sans chercher à vous influencer. Je respecte votre force vitale et votre force de mort. Je vous écoute.

(((ENGLISH TRANSLATION))

To be clear, I am not a crisis worker or a mental health worker, so my point of view is like others here on the forum, only peer support. Also, you know I live in Spain and I do not speak French, so there is no way I can give you suggestions as to what support is available for you in France, other than in general ways. Also, I don't know practically anything about you or your past life or present life or dreams or strengths or weaknesses or education or work history, and so on. So this also limits my ability to give you support or advice.

So the only thing I can do is to speak with you as a person who also struggles with suicidal thoughts.

Life is hard. Really fucking hard. It is harder for some than others. But it is hard for everyone in different ways. We all have challenges. We all have strengths. We all have weaknesses. We all have good luck and bad luck. We all suffer - some more than others. We all have pain - some more than others. When pain and suffering become unbearable, we have two choices: Leave this world or stay in this world. If you leave this world, the pain will stop immediately. If you stay in this world, you will have to work through that pain. If you are in a position where you have decided you can't bear the pain anymore, that means you do not have the solution to your pain within you or in the supports you have around you. So if you decide to stay, the only way you can work through your pain is by getting new supports in your life. The supports may be through books, movies, online groups, in-person groups, crisis lines, doing something creative like photography, writing, sculpting (whatever), writing a book...so many things. There are currently 8.3 billion people currently living on this planet. That's a lot of potential help. Losing a loved one is a common affliction both currently and historically - and in the future.

Lastly, only you can feel your pain and only you can measure it. So there is no one who can decide for you whether or not you can endure your pain. No one can decide but you whether or not you need to exit this world. It is my belief that this is the only choice that only we can make in our life. I support you either way. That is what this forum is about, allowing you to decide, and not swaying you to make a choice. I respect your life force and your death force. I am listening.

 

[Mirrors]

Ugh the love and support in this thread makes me tear up. I wish I was in a place to be more eloquent and express more of the help I want to give here, but in absence of words, please know I'm still here reading every word and sitting with you all.

 

[Aren]

Since you speak French, so that we can communicate better, I will translate into French for you, using Google Translate. I know very little French, but I know if I use simple language, Google Translate is very good. See if you like this way of communicating. Unfortunately, I do not know how to make this in informal language, so unfortunately I have to call you vous. I apologize!

Puisque vous parlez français, pour faciliter la communication, je vais traduire pour vous. Je commencerai par l'anglais, puis je le traduirai en français avec Google Traduction. Je ne connais que quelques mots de français, mais je sais qu'avec un langage simple, Google Traduction est très performant. Voyez si cette façon de communiquer vous convient. Malheureusement, je ne sais pas comment le dire de façon informelle, je dois donc malheureusement vous appeler « vous ». Je m'en excuse !

Pour être clair, je ne suis ni intervenant en situation de crise ni professionnel de la santé mentale. Mon point de vue est donc, comme celui des autres membres de ce forum, celui d'un soutien entre pairs. De plus, comme vous le savez, je vis en Espagne et je ne parle pas français. Je ne peux donc pas vous indiquer les ressources disponibles en France, hormis des informations générales. Par ailleurs, je ne sais pratiquement rien de vous : votre passé, votre situation actuelle, vos rêves, vos forces, vos faiblesses, votre parcours scolaire ou professionnel, etc. Cela limite également ma capacité à vous apporter soutien ou conseils.

Permettez-moi donc de m'adresser à vous en tant que personne qui, comme moi, est confrontée à des pensées suicidaires.

La vie est dure. Vraiment très dure. Elle est plus dure pour certains que pour d'autres. Mais elle est dure pour chacun, à sa manière. Nous avons tous des défis à relever. Nous avons tous des forces. Nous avons tous des faiblesses. Nous avons tous de la chance et de la malchance. Nous souffrons tous, certains plus que d'autres. Nous avons tous mal, certains plus que d'autres. Lorsque la douleur et la souffrance deviennent insupportables, nous avons deux choix : quitter ce monde ou y rester. Si vous quittez ce monde, la douleur cessera immédiatement. Si vous restez, vous devrez apprendre à la connaître. Si vous avez décidé que vous ne pouvez plus supporter la douleur, cela signifie que vous ne trouvez pas la solution en vous ni auprès de votre entourage. Alors, si vous décidez de rester, la seule façon de surmonter votre douleur est de trouver de nouveaux soutiens. Ces soutiens peuvent prendre la forme de livres, de films, de groupes en ligne ou en présentiel, de lignes d'écoute, d'activités créatives comme la photographie, l'écriture, la sculpture (peu importe), l'écriture d'un livre… tant de choses. Il y a actuellement 8,3 milliards d'êtres humains sur cette planète. Cela représente une aide potentielle considérable. La perte d'un être cher est une épreuve courante, hier comme aujourd'hui - et encore demain.

Enfin, vous seul pouvez ressentir votre douleur et la mesurer. Personne ne peut donc décider à votre place si vous pouvez ou non l'endurer. Personne d'autre que vous ne peut décider si vous devez ou non quitter ce monde. Je crois que c'est le seul choix que nous puissions faire dans notre vie. Je vous soutiens, quoi qu'il arrive. C'est le but de ce forum : vous permettre de décider, sans chercher à vous influencer. Je respecte votre force vitale et votre force de mort. Je vous écoute.

(((ENGLISH TRANSLATION))

To be clear, I am not a crisis worker or a mental health worker, so my point of view is like others here on the forum, only peer support. Also, you know I live in Spain and I do not speak French, so there is no way I can give you suggestions as to what support is available for you in France, other than in general ways. Also, I don't know practically anything about you or your past life or present life or dreams or strengths or weaknesses or education or work history, and so on. So this also limits my ability to give you support or advice.

So the only thing I can do is to speak with you as a person who also struggles with suicidal thoughts.

Life is hard. Really fucking hard. It is harder for some than others. But it is hard for everyone in different ways. We all have challenges. We all have strengths. We all have weaknesses. We all have good luck and bad luck. We all suffer - some more than others. We all have pain - some more than others. When pain and suffering become unbearable, we have two choices: Leave this world or stay in this world. If you leave this world, the pain will stop immediately. If you stay in this world, you will have to work through that pain. If you are in a position where you have decided you can't bear the pain anymore, that means you do not have the solution to your pain within you or in the supports you have around you. So if you decide to stay, the only way you can work through your pain is by getting new supports in your life. The supports may be through books, movies, online groups, in-person groups, crisis lines, doing something creative like photography, writing, sculpting (whatever), writing a book...so many things. There are currently 8.3 billion people currently living on this planet. That's a lot of potential help. Losing a loved one is a common affliction both currently and historically - and in the future.

Lastly, only you can feel your pain and only you can measure it. So there is no one who can decide for you whether or not you can endure your pain. No one can decide but you whether or not you need to exit this world. It is my belief that this is the only choice that only we can make in our life. I support you either way. That is what this forum is about, allowing you to decide, and not swaying you to make a choice. I respect your life force and your death force. I am listening.

It's amazing. Really i want to say thank you. During this latest days i check this thread and every of your messages is a breath of fresh air. It's very king to translate in french your english message.

I spent the day under the trees, enjoying the quiet to reflect and rest. I also followed your advice and went to get my favorite ice cream cone even though we had said that would be a "Plan B." I know the choice I'm making: to head toward death. My choice is clear, and I have no doubts left. I don't want to live my life without my soulmate, without my other half. Over the last two days, I've tried doing the things we loved to do, as well as things we would have liked to do. I've finished writing my farewell letters and arranged for them to be sent on August 14th—my girlfriend's birthday and the day we were supposed to get engaged. Now, one of the biggest challenges of my life awaits me. When I'm driving across the bridge, I manage to slow down—significantly—near the spot where I'd jump, but I've never managed to actually stop. Because, as I said, if I stop, there's no turning back; there are no "do-overs" or room for error. That is terrifying, and I keep telling myself over and over that I don't want to live my life without her whenever fear or the SI say "what if" and tries to give me false hope. I hope I can go through with it; I'd have so many regrets if I failed, and I'd be so ashamed to have spent days writing everything out only to back out in the end. Determination is what's needed—enough to ensure that the fear (which will always be there) is weaker than the desire to escape my horrible life.

I repeat to myself, if a 20 yo and a 61 yo succeded why not me at 28. I know it does not dépend of the age but to go over the barriere and then jump/fall, it shows that it's not a question of strengh or to be fast but to be determinated.

Ugh the love and support in this thread makes me tear up. I wish I was in a place to be more eloquent and express more of the help I want to give here, but in absence of words, please know I'm still here reading every word and sitting with you all.

Thank you for your message and your presence. Yes people are very kind in this thread, since the beginning i can count on people that i don't know, but i know that everyday, every message will be read and support will be here. This is what i miss in my real life to do anything, live or die.

 

[hdead]

jumping off a bridge is so f'in scary. I have a bridge too but looking down it for more than a minute gives me a feeling I can't explain, like there's just no way I could do it.

I sat on the ledge of a terrace on the second floor looking down about 12 feet and got scared. Jumping defo is not for me.

 

[StarryEyed]

De rien pour la traduction. Oui, il faut de la détermination pour quitter ce monde. Il en faut aussi pour y rester. Il faut du courage pour partir, comme il en faut pour rester. Il faut de la force pour partir et de la force pour rester. C'est assez ironique, n'est-ce pas ?

Demain, je m'assiérai sous mon arbre préféré et je t'enverrai mon soutien, quoi qu'il arrive ce soir.

Voici l'une de mes chansons à la guitare préférées. Elle est incroyablement puissante et vous donnera toute la force nécessaire pour prendre votre décision. Il s'agit de « The Prophet » de Gary Moore.

((ENGLISH TRANSLATION))

You're welcome for the translation. Yes, it takes determination to exit this world. It also takes determination to stay. It takes courage to leave, as it takes courage to stay. It takes strength to leave and strength to stay. It's quite ironic, isn't it?

Tomorrow I will sit under my favourite tree and send you my support, regardless of what happens tonight.

Here is one of my absolute favourite guitar songs. It's crazy strong, to send you all the strength you need to make your decision. This is "The Prophet" by Gary Moore.

 

[Aren]

I sat on the ledge of a terrace on the second floor looking down about 12 feet and got scared. Jumping defo is not for me.

It's hard yes. I tried waiting from 70 feet and it was so long. I came back home every time. This time it's 120 feets and i have to speedrun the process to no getting caught by rescue team and send in hospital.

De rien pour la traduction. Oui, il faut de la détermination pour quitter ce monde. Il en faut aussi pour y rester. Il faut du courage pour partir, comme il en faut pour rester. Il faut de la force pour partir et de la force pour rester. C'est assez ironique, n'est-ce pas ?

Demain, je m'assiérai sous mon arbre préféré et je t'enverrai mon soutien, quoi qu'il arrive ce soir.

Voici l'une de mes chansons à la guitare préférées. Elle est incroyablement puissante et vous donnera toute la force nécessaire pour prendre votre décision. Il s'agit de « The Prophet » de Gary Moore.

((ENGLISH TRANSLATION))

You're welcome for the translation. Yes, it takes determination to exit this world. It also takes determination to stay. It takes courage to leave, as it takes courage to stay. It takes strength to leave and strength to stay. It's quite ironic, isn't it?

Tomorrow I will sit under my favourite tree and send you my support, regardless of what happens tonight.

Here is one of my absolute favourite guitar songs. It's crazy strong, to send you all the strength you need to make your decision. This is "The Prophet" by Gary Moore.

Yes again, it's true, whatever the choice it's hard... It's ironic and i don't understand why we have to always fight for something. Are we not here to live and enjoy earth. Life is already enough hard with losses. Injustice was not necessary in my opinion.

Thank you for the music too, if i stay alive maybe we could become friend of music playlist, good choices ^^

Update :
There was a massive fire this afternoon. Since then, a huge number of fire trucks and police cars have been crossing the bridge. I had hoped it would stop once night fell, but clearly, it's still going on. This is going to make my test run incredibly difficult if emergency vehicles keep passing by every 10 minutes, because I was counting on the bridge usually being almost deserted between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. I hope fate isn't playing a trick on me... I've never seen such a constant stream of police cars and fire trucks—it's been going on since 3 p.m., and it's currently 11 p.m. here.

 

[hdead]

It's hard yes. I tried waiting from 70 feet and it was so long. I came back home every time. This time it's 120 feets and i have to speedrun the process to no getting caught by rescue team and send in hospital.

I just read through a bunch of this thread and I really feel for you. It's a hard thing to get through, heartbreak. I haven't lost someone in the way like yourself, but I have had to say goodbye to many girlfriends after having very disfunctional relationships - due to my own MH issues and issues holding down 'normal' relationships. So in a way, I can relate.

Like yourself, I am in France now. I live in a beautiful little countryside place but it's just so heartbreaking to know that I will never be able to build a family and a 'normal' life. It's all I ever wanted, and I just can't have it.

Either way, I am so so sorry for how you're feeling. The heat isn't helping at all, either. I truly hope you can find some rest, soon. I can very much relate to an environment that does not understand the heaviness of what you're going through and the helplessness that you feel deep down. I do want to remind you, this only seems to have happened to you a short while ago. This stuff can take a LONG time to heal, and I pray you will have the patience so that you may have another chance. If I can at all relate to what you might feel at those heights, after only having felt it at 12 feet, it's incredibly hard.

If you would like to speak on a more personal level, and know that there is somebody that cares and understands, feel free to send me a DM, or we can also just relay messages in this thread. Like others here have shown, I care about you and your health and have at least some understanding of what you're going through. It is not easy. It does not feel safe. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel and nothing anybody says can guarantee there ever will be. It's like that for me. I'm also just too scared to end it now, but I crave rest. I crave peace.

Much love, dear Aren. I hope to see you make it until tomorrow, at least. And I really hope that you may find peace and happiness. In this life, or beyond.