Help 2 Nights before i can't escape

[Aren]

In the three past weeks, death took me the love of my life, my house (i have 1 month max before i loose it) and my job. My family worried about me talk to me to take me home in my parent's house. I have no others choices but i don't want it because they are bad (abuse...). Today it's thursday and i have until Saturday night to move my stuff to my parent's house which is in an area that me and the love of my life hate. I did university and as soon as i could i was gone but today i'm forced to go back and alone this Time...

There is a bridge (mutltiple roads on it) 0 survivors registered, near my house. Cameras scan it but people succeed to do it.
Just need to go with my car stop at the highest point and run to jump.
The issue, survival instinct and fear to be caught. I'm lost and i have just 2 night left to try something. I failed PSH.

I don't know what i'm searching here when typing it but anything is welcome to help me with this fear, because i need an escape.

 

[darksouls]

peace and love to you, my friend

 

[StarryEyed]

Here is a song for you, Sweet Soldier. This is Maggie Siff, "Lullaby for a Soldier"

 

[Aren]

Tonight is the last night. I tried packing my things without packing hers. It's impossible. The sadness is so vast and the pain so intense losing one's soulmate and one's life. People around me tell me to move forward, but move forward to what, when I no longer have a destination or a travel companion? I realize that even with all the effort and help to try to get through this nightmare, it is simply too hard. It has to stop, tonight will decide my fate. I hope to find the courage to set myself free. Once again, I don't know what kind of help I'm looking for here regarding this dead end and the leap caught between the survival instinct and fear but perhaps...
Today i only think, no happy end in both cases. But live with this... painful.
She was my life, every time we have to push we were together... Today the world Ask me to push alone for her death. This is not fair.

In one month We were supposed to propose to each other.

 

[hdead]

Tonight is the last night. I tried packing my things without packing hers. It's impossible. The sadness is so vast and the pain so intense losing one's soulmate and one's life. People around me tell me to move forward, but move forward to what, when I no longer have a destination or a travel companion? I realize that even with all the effort and help to try to get through this nightmare, it is simply too hard. It has to stop, tonight will decide my fate. I hope to find the courage to set myself free. Once again, I don't know what kind of help I'm looking for here regarding this dead end and the leap caught between the survival instinct and fear but perhaps...
Today i only think, no happy end in both cases. But live with this... painful.
She was my life, every time we have to push we were together... Today the world Ask me to push alone for her death. This is not fair.

In one month We were supposed to propose to each other.

I am so sorry you're having to grieve so much in such a short period. I really hope you can find a way to climb this mountain my friend. Peace be with you.

 

[Ben 111]

You are not alone

 

[Aren]

Fear and SI are a prison...

 

[StarryEyed]

Some mountains are impossible to climb. It is only you who knows for sure what is impossible. Sending you love and light.

 

[StarryEyed]

I'll try to post the image again....

 

[tinyfox]

Fear and SI are a prison...

I'm understand you. I'm standing at the edge of the abyss. I only have a few hours left, but I can't bring myself to take that step—and there won't be another chance. Self-preservation and fear...

I'm sorry to say this, but maybe you should try to keep fighting for this life?

I'm in a situation that won't get better over time—it'll only get worse. I have no other choice, but I'm still afraid… I'm standing here, waiting for something… My family will be here soon, but I still can't bring myself to do it.

 

[StarryEyed]

@tinyfox sometimes I feel.....

 

[Ben 111]

I'm understand you. I'm standing at the edge of the abyss. I only have a few hours left, but I can't bring myself to take that step—and there won't be another chance. Self-preservation and fear...

I'm sorry to say this, but maybe you should try to keep fighting for this life?

I'm in a situation that won't get better over time—it'll only get worse. I have no other choice, but I'm still afraid… I'm standing here, waiting for something… My family will be here soon, but I still can't bring myself to do it.

Im so sorry youre going through this everyone deserves better...i just wish you find peace in whatever you decide

 

[Aren]

I'm understand you. I'm standing at the edge of the abyss. I only have a few hours left, but I can't bring myself to take that step—and there won't be another chance. Self-preservation and fear...

I'm sorry to say this, but maybe you should try to keep fighting for this life?

I'm in a situation that won't get better over time—it'll only get worse. I have no other choice, but I'm still afraid… I'm standing here, waiting for something… My family will be here soon, but I still can't bring myself to do it.

I made a choice, because i wanted to try everything before and a Hope appears... so could not jump yesterday night because the hope was that today i could see some memories of her so it drives me to not take my final chance. But now i saw these memories, it was painful but also happiness to see again the love of my life.
After all of this, i have been move to m'y parent's house far from the bridge 2h30 of car trip. Now i'm in my teenager room at 28 yo without life and toxic parents just to "survive" in pain. I can't eat, sleep. I just want to go join her in death.

Now i have to find a way to PSH or FSH as soon as possible. I don't know where to do it because there is always someone in the house.

I don't know how young people succeed to do it in few minutes / hours in their bedroom.
If anyone have tips or clues to help me to escape.

If i am really desesperate in few days i'll do the 2h30 road trip and this Time no way back to the bridge. But if i could PSH in my house or near...

 

[Ben 111]

I wish you luck

 

[tinyfox]

I made a choice, because i wanted to try everything before and a Hope appears... so could not jump yesterday night because the hope was that today i could see some memories of her so it drives me to not take my final chance. But now i saw these memories, it was painful but also happiness to see again the love of my life.
After all of this, i have been move to m'y parent's house far from the bridge 2h30 of car trip. Now i'm in my teenager room at 28 yo without life and toxic parents just to "survive" in pain. I can't eat, sleep. I just want to go join her in death.

Now i have to find a way to PSH or FSH as soon as possible. I don't know where to do it because there is always someone in the house.

I don't know how young people succeed to do it in few minutes / hours in their bedroom.
If anyone have tips or clues to help me to escape.

If i am really desesperate in few days i'll do the 2h30 road trip and this Time no way back to the bridge. But if i could PSH in my house or near...

Yesterday I try FSH but I couldn't take that step. And I don't know how to get past this. I don't know how other people do it. I know I have no other choice, but I still can't bring myself to do it. I hate this life—it's so damn unfair. My dream is to have a gun. Just one pull of the trigger, and I'd be free from this suffering...

But no, I have to do what my brain perceives as impossible. I don't know what I'll have to go through before I can bring myself to do it...

 

[Aren]

So, i did not think i would continue this thread but here we are... It's Monday and again i will have 2 Nights to Escape Wednesday to Thursday night and Thursday to Friday Night.

I made up an excuse about an appointment to go back to the city where my apartment is where my partner still has some belongings but in reality, I'm going to go near that apartment and then gather all my strength to take the bus. I have to hold on through tonight and tomorrow; I'm leaving Wednesday morning. I'll have two chances, but I'd prefer to use only the first one overnight from Wednesday to Thursday. Unfortunately, I can't go tonight or tomorrow night because I have genuine appointments where I am now, and cancelling everything would look suspicious. I'm trying to say goodbye to the people I love without scaring them or letting them realize what's happening.

My only question and I'm hoping the community here can help is this: I can only get to the bridge by car, because pedestrians are closely monitored there. There are three traffic lanes; other cars can overtake if a vehicle stops due to a breakdown. The sequence of actions will have to be as follows: Arrive at low speed at the middle of the bridge, which is several kilometers long (it takes about 45 minutes to cross on foot and 10 minutes by car). In the middle of the bridge, there is a stretch of several hundred meters at the highest point, and that's where others have succeeded.

So step by step, I need to:
- slow down in the middle and stop,
- turn on my hazard lights to signal a breakdown, since I don't want to cause an accident,
- get out of the car (I'll have already unbuckled my seatbelt before reaching the bridge),
- walk around the car to the side facing the bridge railing,
- climb over the railing, which puts me on a small ledge above the water,
- take a step forward so I fall head and torso first.

Many have succeeded. Today, I have nothing left to lose, yet the very thing that could help me is a source of suffering, as it would require spending at least two years living with abusive, violent parents (I am even afraid to go near my father, despite being 28 yo).

I need your help if you have any knowledge on how to overcome the survival instinct, or even how to condition oneself for this to train the brain.

According to estimates and articles, the whole process takes a maximum of one and a half minutes, from the moment I stop the car to the moment I jump.

Important detail: there are no official accounts of anyone surviving such a jump; death results from the fall rather than drowning, and the four-second drop carries a high probability of losing consciousness due to cardiac arrest before impact.

If you can help, I'm suffering and it has to stop now.

 

[StarryEyed]

Hi Aren. I can't think of anything I can do to help, other than to say that I'm listening.

 

[Aren]

Th

Hi Aren. I can't think of anything I can do to help, other than to say that I'm listening.

Thank you, it helps too to be listen and understood.

 

[StarryEyed]

My parents were abusive too. I'm 62 and still working through it. I'm so sorry you're in that hell.

How did your girlfriend die - if you don't mind my asking?.

 

[Aren]

My parents were abusive too. I'm 62 and still working through it. I'm so sorry you're in that hell.

How did your girlfriend die - if you don't mind my asking?.

She met the wrong person, get manipulated and put herself in danger... Even we all my Heart i could not change her mind until it was too late...

My plan is to get away as soon as i can of my parents. I though they changed when my mom came see me after the events but at the second i was back home... They are still the same.

 

[StarryEyed]

Aren, I'm sorry her life fell into the wrong hands and that now you have to return to an abusive home. That is a horrible situation you're in. Just horrible!

 

[Aren]

Aren, I'm sorry her life fell into the wrong hands and that now you have to return to an abusive home. That is a horrible situation you're in. Just horrible!

Yes, fate is not good with me. So i have to stop it before all of this go deeper.

 

[Aren]

I could not do the trip this morning because i was so tired (can't sleep) so i go tomorrow morning (this time i have to sleep) because i don't want to fail due to lack of sleep. With 2 nights available when i'll be over there. I'm so scared... I'm determined, but the fear of failure knowing I have only one shot mixed with the sadness of having no choice about staying or returning once I've left, makes it really hard. I'm hoping I can rely on an impulse at the good moment too. I have search again and again now it's time to do it and stop this nightmare.
I will keep a maximum of battery and internet for my smartphone so maybe i will write again in this thread maybe not and i hope it's one of my latest message on this thread and site.

Freedom of this life is at a hard cost. Some people see CTB only as distress but i see it as an act of great courage to say no to an horrible life that my brain and body remain on survival even if it's pure pain.

Any last advices, ideas, informations, knowledge or just support is very appreciated.

I hope to never going back, Simply head straight toward freedom.

 

[StarryEyed]

Hi Aren. I'm still listening. Gawd I wish your life wasn't such shit. I'm sure you've exhausted all your options that you can think of before getting to this point. Whenever I make a big plan, I always, no matter how good the plan seems, always have a Plan B. In case you can't make it off that bridge into the river, maybe you can have a Plan B? Maybe that will help you feel less scared tomorrow to have a backup plan? Maybe an old friend you could call? Or a crisis line? Or a family member? Or maybe you catch a movie to just be alone in the dark in the theatre to disappear from the world for a couple of hours?

 

[Aren]

T

Hi Aren. I'm still listening. Gawd I wish your life wasn't such shit. I'm sure you've exhausted all your options that you can think of before getting to this point. Whenever I make a big plan, I always, no matter how good the plan seems, always have a Plan B. In case you can't make it off that bridge into the river, maybe you can have a Plan B? Maybe that will help you feel less scared tomorrow to have a backup plan? Maybe an old friend you could call? Or a crisis line? Or a family member? Or maybe you catch a movie to just be alone in the dark in the theatre to disappear from the world for a couple of hours?

Thank you for listening, it helps so much. I had a plan B yes it's partial hanging in a spot where i tried 1 year ago, nobody is over there. But I'm not good with this method, so many fails. I am at a point that i'm waiting a bad news just before the moment i choose to jump just to make things more logic and easy.
I hope to become tomorrow night a robot with one goal : freedom

 

[StarryEyed]

Do what you need to. If it is to stay or to go, you know what you need better than anyone. By plan B, what I mean is right in the moment if you can't do it, to have a Plan B. So rushing into another method is probably not possible because you have to focus almost all your energy on that. I mean if you can't do it, where will you go and what will you do? I know you have to go back to your parents to live. But can you do something between trying to jump off the bridge and going back to your parents?

 

[Aren]

Do what you need to. If it is to stay or to go, you know what you need better than anyone. By plan B, what I mean is right in the moment if you can't do it, to have a Plan B. So rushing into another method is probably not possible because you have to focus almost all your energy on that. I mean if you can't do it, where will you go and what will you do? I know you have to go back to your parents to live. But can you do something between trying to jump off the bridge and going back to your parents?

It's a good question. First thing i think is driving but i do not know where just after. In fact i do not believe i can go anywhere if i stop my car and start to walk on the bridge, rescue team will come to me even later on the road. I read an article, a woman said she was going to do it on this bridge and helicopter find her car with her driving to this bridge so they can arrest her before she can reach the bridge.
The security is hight and every doubt on a person is followed by rescue team... So if i start it i don't think i can escape.

And if i can't start it, i don't know, i mean i will be so desesperate. I would like to reach the sea because it's on the coast but i'm afraid that at this moment nothing will have a sense of life.

And go back, i don't know how i could. If only she was not in all my memories... I see her everywhere like a ghost always at my side. Especially in my parent's home where we lived together for one year before going together to university, because her family rejected her. Live in my room where we lived 1 year is pure torture + my parents...

 

[StarryEyed]

So your Plan B is possibly to be arrested. Will they take you to jail or the hospital?

Last time you tried to jump, you didn't get so far as to be arrested. So if you don't jump and you don't get arrested, what is your other Plan B? Maybe you can think of something kind you can do for yourself? Like maybe have your favourite ice cream? Or maybe you can buy a card for your girlfriend and write something to her, just pretending you will send it to her?

 

[Aren]

So your Plan B is possibly to be arrested. Will they take you to jail or the hospital?

Last time you tried to jump, you didn't get so far as to be arrested. So if you don't jump and you don't get arrested, what is your other Plan B? Maybe you can think of something kind you can do for yourself? Like maybe have your favourite ice cream? Or maybe you can buy a card for your girlfriend and write something to her, just pretending you will send it to her?

I'm afraid yes, to the hospital and for the second time... First time i was just walking on the place where others people walk for pleasure, but i stay too long in front of the sea late in the day and rescue team came, they search into my phone and discover the loss of my girlfriend and a letter i wrote in my schedule messages. They took me to hospital but i lied and throw letter before we arrived to the hospital, so they let me go the same day and my parents came to ask to let me free. But if i get caught this time i will be stuck for a long time and no one could come to help.
Last time i did not get so far yes.
It's so risky... But i can't stop thinking others succeded why not me.

If i can continue to drive freely i don't know, it will be between 2am and 4 am so nothing really open, that's why i think about sea where we loved to go. I miss her so much...
But you are right favorite ice cream and card are good ideas.

Thank you for your support in this potential final day.

 

[telekon]

jumping off a bridge is so f'in scary. I have a bridge too but looking down it for more than a minute gives me a feeling I can't explain, like there's just no way I could do it.