Help 2 Nights before i can't escape

[Aren]

The night between Wednesday and Friday 1 day ago, i drove towards the bridge and where i lived. I learned that my girlfriend had spent a night at the house of a stranger near our appartment, she had no friends or someone she knew near our place. I went to this place and i did not see anything of course. But still, i ask myself why did she go here? I hope it was a Friend that she never told me about and not another person in her life. She even tell me that if one day we were not together anymore she wont go in another affective relation so have another relation during our relation i can't imagine that. But yes i think a lot about it.
In fact, the only thing i know is that she did not tell me about this person. We shared all, we had not any secrets for the other so I don't know what think.
It broke me more than before... I trusted her and i can't ask her anymore so again i am in a deeper nightmare. It's constantly in my head and i cry even more than before.
So yesterday i did not jump i was in a pure sadness, sleeping in my car curled up on myself crying... At the morning i just quit the place and get back home where i said at my family i do not want to live, i want to die and suicide. I don't know why i comeback here, i regret here but the sadness was so intense i could not stay.

More than before, not only with this event but since she left, everydays i want to die more than the day before and i see my life as a no sens at all. Nothing enjoy myself, i can't love others anymore, i feel bad really bad, my body hurts me because i barely do not sleep and eat since weeks.

I planned to go again tomorrow night. Each travel is a 2h30 of car. It's insane that i could not jump before. I mean my life is lost i know it so why everything block me when i am near it. I think I'm a coward and search explanations but the truth is : i feel bad and i am in pain, i need to jump so jump, end of the story.
I do not want to live any day again. I hope i will dissociate on the way towards the bridge so I can jump without asking myself. Because my brain tricks everytime I'm determinated to jump. He makes me imagine some magic stories where she comeback and we can love each other. It blocks me and makes me think a maybe but there is not maybe, it is unrealistic and it cut me in my determination.

If i can get over it i will jump easily. I have to not overthink the way of my freedom.
Every month someone jump and there are no survivors at all, it's death.

I don't know if some people here can give me a feedback about what i wrote, but thank you if you do.

 

[Aren]

I could not go the last weekend because of technical issue. I feel trapped... I block the weekend of this week to be sure to go.
This week is a nightmare, i think it will bring me more determination to do it at the end of the week. Because i see around me that i am at a point where nobody care about me in my real life. People just worry about the pain they will feel if i ctb. When i talk to my parents about it the first answer was "it will hurt us". Yes it will hurt you but how can you talk about you when the person in front of you tell you that he will die soon and don't want to live anymore due to great pain and loss... I feel angry, sad, and empty.
Why people are so bad humans... I want so much to leave this as soon as i can.

My girlfriend told me that if she had to ctb she would jump from a bridge. In my bedroom in my parent's home there is a bridge on the wall and we looked at it like freedom. I don't believe in fate but i think there is a link. It will motivate me to join her near our own home.

 

[Aren]

So i am close to our appartment and i feel so bad, i drove since yesterday to here and i can't manage it. I mean being here, but i can't go away because i have nowhere else to go... I feel so stuck.

I hate feeling like this.
I just want to end it but it's so scary...
I am near the bridge where i could end all pain. It's hard because it's unfair...

I feel like I have to do it, i am lonely in a ghost town and nowhere else to go. I lost my girlfriend and I can't live without her and our love.

I really think it's the end of the road for me. Pain is so strong today, never been like this since the days after she left... I see her everywhere i can't handle it. I am so lost and i am suffering too much.

If anyone have a word to share thank you.