And slowly I start to hate my own gender, I don't but just are biology, I don't want to hate it but you know people like this who live in the world only make my hate for myself worse, and worse,, listing to the things they say beside me or when I'm not there or just the way they fuckin treat you, a complete outsider, just a vision, a vision of whatever they decide in that given time to see you as, because your personality doesn't matter until it spoils there fantasized version of you, calm quite, doesn't yell, unemotional, resilient, homely, timid but Bursts of confidence, smiles and cooking and cleaning and fucking and pampering and washing clothes and wiping there face like a mother does to a new born god these common expectations directed towards women is just degrading, listing to the lack of respect and acknowledgement to many man have makes me fear and makes me just want to give in and just say " fucking kill me then because your lack of disregard for me and other women will be the death of me, just kill me"
And then might I not feel like such an inadequate inhumane subservient inferior waste of space, because that is how you make me feel, sometimes to a point where I don't even question the lack of humanity that is offered to me because it is so fucking ingrained in us all to fall back, convincing ourselves we have to be hiding or hidden to have peace, peace for not ourselves but for men,
I hate waking up everyday, I hate listing to my brothers and there friends friends dehumanizing women so casually, so nonchalantly, my partners friends and there friends friends,, four court cases for assault against women one has, and god the one who knows how uncomfortable it makes you does it more to make you feel even less humane showing you videos of drugged out half naked women getting shit thrown at them and kicked and laughed at and they show me this and my partner with a smile and laugh, I looked fearful my partner is indifferent with there reactions to there friends and relatives behavior,,, ugh being forced to listen to the riveting details of his friends conquests, every little detail inside and out,, "I made sure to feel that IUD" while looking at me with a smile followed by cursing at his mom for singing in the kitchen "shut the fuck up bitch you sound terrible" type comments,,
I have no significant females in my life personally and it's a little sad,, you know how many guys will fight for there opinion and what they deem to be true to them,, i couldn't compete, I could never compete,, if I had to bring myself to many of men's levels by using my fists to prove my point, I will never be able to do that, not that I'd want to but it's the fact that no matter what I know I can't,, because hey howdy! my life is just a perpetual loop of fear by this point.