Story Why do you want to CTB

[TAW122]

I have so many reasons that I won't list all of them here, but here are the main ones so far:
1) Souring of relations with ladyfriend and someone whom I had high regards for (so it hurts A LOT). She has helped me tremendously (a big reason as to why I didn't CTB May 2019).
2) Worsening situation with my performance anxiety (hasn't gotten better, but WORSE), and what really hit me hard was that I struggled like hell to even get through a simple recording session (which was never the case). No good solution yet and that's even assuming if there is one...
3) Realization that Aspergers, general anxiety, and social anxiety has fucked my life beyond repair (and still to this day and days to come). People will always treat me differently, patronize me, treat me as an outcast and/or outsider, and I can't control how they think or act towards me.

So, here is my thread with all the reasons and that explains in more detail.

 

[LeftAtTheBridge]

On the surface I probably look fine, like a 'normal' guy who is sociable and happy.

Inside I feel like no one knows the real me. Well, maybe 1 or 2 people. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I'm suffocating. The life I want is something I can't have and it hurts so much. I feel like I get more and more unhappy everyday and I have no one to talk to about it. Yes a few people care about me but I can't talk to them, not really.

I feel lost and unfulfilled every single day and the pressure and expectation of life is starting to be too much. I feel like I'm falling apart and I can't stop it.

I feel like I know what happiness is and how it feels but I don't see a way to get myself there.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I haven't spoken about this to anyone.

 

[AnthonyFrank]

I wanted to ctb because bipolar and BPD had ruined my life. I lost my job, in tens of thousands of pounds worth of debt, no life, no friends. I saw no other way out from the psychological pain and suffering I felt every single day.

Yea, I know where you are coming from ... Are you more manic or depressive ?

 

[BPD Barbie]

Yea, I know where you are coming from ... Are you more manic or depressive ?

Thanks to meds I'm more manic now. The depressive episodes are less common and less violent.

 

[TheSuicidalEccentric]

I don't want to CTB. I HAVE to CTB!! My life is destroyed. My dignity gone. Everything is fucking gone

 

[Mist]

i want to ctb because of how my face looks, the color of my skin, the color of my eyes, the length of my legs, the way i sound, the way i act if i don't plan out my actions, the things i have done to people, my anxiety, my lack of skill in a unbelievably wide range of tasks, my substance abuse problems, my avoidant personality, my lack of self control, my legal problems, my lack of a job, my lack of the ability to hold a job, and last, my constant track record of taking advantage of things and people

 

[CheckOut]

I am in exactly the same boat
I can't believe I am here and I can't live like this

 

[NonDefaultOption]

"Most people do not want to die, they just do not want to live"

Yeah. I want to live, and I'm in a better boat than the lot of you, but I am impulsive and got psychosis I've been trying to deal with with different things, not just medicine. I could had kept eating the medicine and keep the job and not study what I really wanted, but no... just couldn't bring myself to keep living a life that ain't me anymore. The voices of psychosis, they don't leave me alone. And I can't ruin my life with medicines again. I've tried everything I could think of and looked in place for stuff I could try to fix the voices, but they just keep bullying me, becoming more vicious until I break again and take a lot of medicines or really attempt to ctb.
And that's just one thing, the voices. The other thing is, I'm doomed to have trouble with social relationships. It sucks when you try and try but people just don't wanna be around you. I've already gotten involved in self-development stuff to fix myself and make myself more likable and someone they'd feel comfortable around, but no. I found one real friend, but she lives over a hundred miles away and that ain't changing. So much trying and this is the result... feels like everyone's chasing something I can never offer no matter how much I try. Maybe I should see this to the end, and prolong the suffering and eat disappointments instead of just ending it, maybe I'm wrong and just don't see it. It's unreasonable to expect yourself to see the big picture ever anyways. It'd all be so much easier if I had a real person to talk to and not just somebody on the other side of the screen, or a therapist who they say can help you but really can't, and you still pay them more than you should.

So in short, chronic psychosis and chronic loneliness.

 

[LosinIt20]

In short, and I've said this before, the only thing that would make life worth it to me is having friendship, love and purpose. I've been so alone my whole life in all aspects and have never felt like I belonged anywhere. I've never had a calling or talent that would give me some sense of fulfilment. I've been depressed from a young age and I'm just tired of hating myself and feeling miserable everyday. I've tried a lot to get better but nothing ever works. Death is the only way I can escape these feelings, and I'm not going to wait around until old age or some freak accident to happen to finally be at peace.

Damn I thought you were describing my life at first ! Same scenario..I've been dealing with this shit since I was 10 and I'm almost 28 . Hell no I can't go on like this

 

[Rider66]

Because I've been a lazy person who found it easier to use people. More frightened to be alive than committed to life. An Oxbridge graduate who squandered the gift. A failed sociopath? I have sabotaged my own career and reach my early 50's now living in a caravan with no hope of a second career, partially due to criminal convictions. All my own fault, but that doesn't make it better, does it. I cannot see a way forward that involves happiness. Just pain for me and those around me

 

[LonelySoul]

In short, and I've said this before, the only thing that would make life worth it to me is having friendship, love and purpose. I've been so alone my whole life in all aspects and have never felt like I belonged anywhere. I've never had a calling or talent that would give me some sense of fulfilment. I've been depressed from a young age and I'm just tired of hating myself and feeling miserable everyday. I've tried a lot to get better but nothing ever works. Death is the only way I can escape these feelings, and I'm not going to wait around until old age or some freak accident to happen to finally be at peace.

You are describing me. I am always on the outside looking in. Family have never accepted me for the person I am, Mum wanted to change me and compare me with the rest of my siblings.

"The others are not like this, why can't you be like them?" Mum said.

"But I am me and I don't want to be anyone else!"

I am in my mid 50's and still feel like I don't fit into this life. I'm constantly searching for acceptance, friendship and love. The latter I have given up with. I live in hope for the other two.

Some days are harder than others, some days I just want to pull the duvet over my head and never face the day. These are becoming more and more frequent.

I think about suicide more often than not. There is a song which triggers me - Somewhere by Barbra Streisand - there is a place for us, indeed there is.

On the surface I probably look fine, like a 'normal' guy who is sociable and happy.

Inside I feel like no one knows the real me. Well, maybe 1 or 2 people. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I'm suffocating. The life I want is something I can't have and it hurts so much. I feel like I get more and more unhappy everyday and I have no one to talk to about it. Yes a few people care about me but I can't talk to them, not really.

I feel lost and unfulfilled every single day and the pressure and expectation of life is starting to be too much. I feel like I'm falling apart and I can't stop it.

I feel like I know what happiness is and how it feels but I don't see a way to get myself there.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I haven't spoken about this to anyone.

I understand, more than you could realise.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I used to be quite a high achieving individual, found school easy, was proficient on the violin and got into a prestigious music school, but dropped out after one year because of intense anxiety which manifested itself in stomach pain and tremors, meaning my performances suffered. I then dabbled in some art and graphics design, which came quite naturally to me as a visual person, but the depression meant that I had no motivation to keep my output consistent.

I then went to study Anthropology at university, which I found fascinating and ignited a passion for left-wing politics, with particular interest in ideas about implementing socialism in a rapidly decaying world full of corrupt oligarchs and technocrats. But my mental health issues resurfaced once again post graduation, and since then I have struggled to muster up the strength to even work a minimum wage job, which means I'm haemorrhaging money fast.

I feel completely disillusioned about the state of the world, about my place in the world, and pretty scared about the future in general. I realised that I am too weak to survive in such a harsh environment, as I am already weighed down by trauma from an abusive childhood, living in poverty, and severe mental illness.

I have ruminated over my chances of survival by running simulations in my head, by taking my situation, capabilities, and disposition into account, and concluding that my prognosis isn't pretty. So I chose to save myself the hassle of living an undignified life of suffering, and catch the bus early instead.

Those last two paragraphs sounds exactly like the English translation of the first two paragraphs of my suicide note.

 

[TiredOfWakingUp]

Not being satisfied with anything. Bored in everything I do. Tired of abdominal pains and bathroom pains due to unhealthy lifestyle growing up+Autoimmune genes I inherited(Crohns Disease). Various therapies and medications only help for a few hours after months of seeing different doctors, diff medications, diff types of talk therapy. Nothing makes me happy enough to occupy myself till old age, and death.

 

[Blutsager]

I am young. I have a work I still have from home. I live with my mom with whom I am happy.

It's just I am absolutely terrified of the future. I am considering ctb to escape from it.

 

[Csmith8827]

Unfair/just plain wrong treatment. Abuse, bullying, Cyber-trafficking, religion, God, my family, this world, basically everything...racism...the list goes on and on. I just wanted my own life, not a shared one. It's not that selfish IMO.

 

[Finished]

Loneliness is Deeply dark for me! Life is beyond tragedy after tragedy after tragedy and then I screwed up the rest of my life and there's no fixing it

 

[mediocre]

My mental and physical state has deteriorated rapidly over the past couple of years. All I feel now is physical pain, anxiety, fear, loneliness and boredom. I want to ctb so that I don't feel anything at all anymore.

 

[Notabadguy]

Wrong decision. I can carry on, but I feel at a dead-end.

 

[Bct]

Loneliness, uselessness, and being a burden is why I want to CTB.

 

[lymestolemylife]

My body is a torture chamber. Chronic Lyme Chronic Migraines, chronic severe daily pain, my body is always burning like its on fire or feels like i'm being stung inside by scorpions, food allergies cant eat anything except for a few veggies and meat, severe daily nausea where I feel like i'm about to throw up but cant for at least 6-8hrs a day everyday, My spine is infected, cant stand up anymore because of sharp pain in my lower back. Can't take care of myself anymore because I cant stand up. Am sick constantly, never feel good or have a good day. Always being tortured. Doctors are worthless and treat me like crap. They never help. I don't get enough pain meds for my level of pain. With this level of sickness and inabiilty to eat food, there is 0 pleasure in life. I have no pleasant sensations in my body i feel gritty, burning pain all the time no comfort or pleasure anymore.

 

[FireFox]

CTB becuase the future scares me so much and i dont want to see the next 10 years of my life.
I feel like i will never be happy again

 

[throwaway_accountbro]

Because I'll either get another chance at life, or I'll at least be free from this one.

 

[Bpdhasruinedme]

Honestly I don't know, my childhood sucked, but I'm past that. I did end up with BPD and ptsd from my special needs daughters birth but I really don't have a bad life and I haven't made many decisions I regret. I have a wonderful husband and 3 great kids...they have their own problems... but something in my brain tortures me. Something in there needs this. I don't know that I want to die, I just want that part of me to. Sometimes I can push it down, sometimes I'm tired of the fight.

 

[Deleted member 10475]

I want to because it feels like me going on is pointless. I've been battling sadness since I was a kid, and nothing has gotten better. These days it feels like I wake up into a worse nightmare than the previous.

I'm just tired of fighting, I'm tired of getting hurt, I'm tired of tired of being treated like crap, I'm tired of crying...I'm just tired. I've never felt so empty. Something has to better, worth it, after this.

 

[NoSuprises]

I'm a 31-year-old who has failed at everything in life: jobs, relationships you name it. I've become even more of a socially awkward, bumbling mess due to social isolation as I've been shutting myself away since way before this lockdown, simply not knowing what the hell to do with my life and spending most of my waking hours ruminating over the past. My 'best' years are behind me and pulling myself out of this hole seems like an insurmountable task, which even if possible would require an enormous amount of energy that I don't seem to possess. I'm sick of life and I want it to end, I just don't feel like there is a place for me in this world.

 

[PartingGlass]

I don't WANT to, I think suicide is terrible, but I'm so hopeless. I've got no reason to live.

 

[kaz]

Don't like this place and I don't even think life is worth it, I also don't like getting older every day, I can't see myself after 30

 

[Rafae]

For me its because i feel so alone. I have noone to talk to. I have no family and no friends and the thought of living the rest of my life alone is too much. My life consists of one outing to the chemist to pick up medication and thats its.Ive had mental health probs since i was a child and nothing has changed. I wont get any better. People hate me, not entirely sure why, but i think its because i have nothing to live for and that comes across to people and they think im pathetic. There is the odd person that i interact with like my GP who pretends to care but i know thats just their job to act that way, theres absolutely no truth to it. I wish i had someone that cared about me but there isnt. So for all those reason CTB has to be a million times better.

 

[Deleted member 17331]

mental disorders
body aches
insomnia
liquid modernity
psychiatrists who do not want to help, just selling drugs
stupid psychologists
jobs that require you to be a machine

...

In short: Humans.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

First time poster, so bear with me.

Like my name suggests, it's because of my state's social distancing laws. Before Coronavirus, I had a very active social life. But my state's quarantine laws took it away from me. And they might be extended well into the summer. I don't want to live like this. I'm not a prisoner. Live free or die.

Well, if those laws get overturned, I don't plan on catching the bus at all. But I want to have it as a backup plan.