What mindset do you want to be in before you ctb?

[mekhi]

I literally have a shotgun underneath my bed ready to be used :/
I just don't know how to calm my mind before the storm. My sister ctb'd last year. And I'd say she was in a state of rage before going.
Which I feel like may be easier? Like all of the pent up adrenaline and anger kind of blocks out the fear I think.
I want to be at peace though somewhat. I plan to not sleep for like 40 hours prior, so I'm already in a lucid state. And then drink alcohol to ease my mind. I just don't know how affective that will be or if the no sleep could make things worse.
Any suggestions?

 

[apearl]

I'm really sorry for the loss of your sister.

It may sound easier but I don't think the hype-yourself-up/adrenaline method is preferable. It's an unfortunate place to be right when you die. If you choose that method your not gonna be even close to at peace. I don't believe in an afterlife, so I think of it this way, in my very last moment ever for eternity, how would I want to be feeling?

It's your life though, do what you think is best. But think hard about it.