Why are you still alive?

[migimortis]

Why are you still alive? Is it fear? Not wanting to hurt loved ones? Not knowing how to ctb? The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm a coward. I should've killed myself years ago. Sure family may be upset but they are upset over me being a failure anyway. I'm alive because I'm weak. I'm not living, I'm simply holding on.

Why are you still alive?

 

[ReadyOrNot?]

Because I'm a coward and would leave people behind. I resort to the next best thing. Just existing in front of my computer, playing games, watching videos, doing internet things, smoking, not taking care of myself, suffering in poverty. Waiting for it because I'm to much of a coward to do it.
In a weird way it feels right that way. In a weird way that's what I deserve. I hate myself so much.

 

[4everDone]

Plain and simple: it's not time yet.

 

[Fifi2]

Why are you still alive? Is it fear? Not wanting to hurt loved ones? Not knowing how to ctb? The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm a coward. I should've killed myself years ago. Sure family may be upset but they are upset over me being a failure anyway. I'm alive because I'm weak. I'm not living, I'm simply holding on.

Why are you still alive?

I am still alive for my dog. He is my world and I cannot bear the thought of leaving him. He loves me so much I know he would be devastated. If anything ever happens to him, I'll be gone in a heartbeat.

 

[kkrnb.inai]

tbh, and this may be a little too hopeful for even myself, but because i genuinely want to see if things get better, just so i can make it all crumble in the end. i've always had this self loathing obsession of fucking everything up that comes my way, just as a reminder that i don't deserve anything. i think the final step to this would be to have a good life, feeling completely happy, and then just committing. what an end to my life that would be. and if i don't? then hey, i have a good life! win-win situation

 

[Ethernatuskoi]

I'm still alive because i don't want to hurt anyone in my family, specially my mother. And because there are some things that still make me happy sometimes, and also because there are some things I would like to do before I die. Among these things, I would like to be able to have sex with a girl. I know this may seem silly and trivial but I would like to experience this at least once in my life. Deep down, I'm frustrated because I never managed to find a girlfriend and still lost the only girl who possibly liked me

 

[LaVieEnRose]

My heart is still beating.

 

[outrider567]

Why are you still alive? Is it fear? Not wanting to hurt loved ones? Not knowing how to ctb? The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm a coward. I should've killed myself years ago. Sure family may be upset but they are upset over me being a failure anyway. I'm alive because I'm weak. I'm not living, I'm simply holding on.

Why are you still alive?

I don't know

 

[chocosyrup]

Why are you still alive? Is it fear? Not wanting to hurt loved ones? Not knowing how to ctb? The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm a coward. I should've killed myself years ago. Sure family may be upset but they are upset over me being a failure anyway. I'm alive because I'm weak. I'm not living, I'm simply holding on.

Why are you still alive?

I have no idea

 

[Dliena]

SI and being a pussy. Both of those seem to complement me soo perfectly. BUT I guess there other factors to play as well, there always is ofc.

 

[astonishedturnip]

That stupid, relentless kernel of hope that my life will get better. That I'll turn around in a patisserie or record store and find myself face-to-face with the love of my life, that we'll get married and have kids and dogs and make friends at the local rollerskating class and I can feel relief that I'll have something to live for after my parents die. Why I maintain this hope after nearly 30 years of monotonous failure is anyone's guess. But I see one story of someone going "I never dated and thought I'd die alone but out of nowhere I bumped into my future spouse at 34!" and table my plans.

That, and the hope that I'll die peacefully in my sleep (on a work night, so I can enjoy the weekend and not have to clock in) so that I won't have to take an active role in my own death, which will make it slightly easier on my family and look more acceptable in God's eyes.

 

[RollingGiant]

Too many obstacles and too little willpower

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

Parents... just existing for others despite the daily torture...

 

[shibe]

I'm alive for my parents. I cannot cause them pain or abandon them. I love my parents and my sister a lot and I cannot imagine how devastating it would be for them to learn I have killed myself. If my parents weren't there, I would've gone long.

One more reason I can think of that I haven't committed suicide is because I feel I haven't tried to live at all. I haven't tried to make friends, to earn money, to look good and feel good about myself. I've decided that if I'm not able to fix things by 30, I will do it. I'm 22 now.

 

[Shrike]

Haven't had a good method before. If I make an attempt, I emphatically do not wish to survive it, and I wanted a low-drama method to minimize impact to workers who will have the misfortune of finding my shell.

Waiting for a device for my method of choice now.

But once I have the device, there's no rush. When the method is simple and effective, I can apply it as soon as I feel it's necessary. In the meantime, I can still do a few of the things I find fun and not care too much about potentially losing my job or other consequences of things. Takes the edge off.

 

[bluebird16]

Don't wanna hurt my parents. Also, don't have the courage (yet) to drown myself in the sea (the only method that is accessible).

 

[Endofit]

Because i'm a coward. I have almost everything for the SN method. Yet im still here, thinking again and again about the past, living for nothing. I know we are a lot in this situation, but I just dont have the guts to do it, even if I really want to be dead

 

[Tulipano]

Because physically and mentally I don't suffer, I just live as a jobless NPC who's only reason to leave the house is to walk the dog and go to the gym. I don't have friends, I don't have a girlfriend, I don't have a car, I don't have a job and the job here is not to be found.
Unfortunately, I grew up in a respectable family in an affluent neighborhood, but my father is a nobody and my mother has to take care of the whole family financially. Here in Italy since joining Europe, there has been a spike in inflation and today's kids are already having a hard time finding work while in the south of Italy there is no work.
Here only those who engage in squatting, malfeasance, tax fraud, tax evasion, to the point of becoming real criminals with theft, robbery, drug dealing live here.

I am not and never will be a criminal, but neither do I have the option of going elsewhere. I will opt for suicide when my mother dies, so with no more chance to move on

I get what you are saying.. I really do. you are in Italy now ? Sorry it's just that I'm Italian and I feel like no one is on here

 

[wisp]

I get what you are saying.. I really do. you are in Italy now ? Sorry it's just that I'm Italian and I feel like no one is on here

Yes I am Italian, I guess there are other Italians but they may not necessarily have Italian-language usernames (e.g. me). Just search for "sodium nitrite suicide" on Google Italy, many articles point back to this forum.

 

[CanIStopTryingNow]

The government keeps saying they'll expand medical aid in dying and then doesn't and obtaining painless lethal methods is difficult.

 

[heisenberg]

failed attempt. my boyfriend and i booked a cruise months ago as well so i have to hold out for that. i also have a little sister and it makes me upset to think about her when i ctb

 

[Princess_Kitty]

Honestly, I don't know. I had a plan and even have the method and everything. I was just waiting for the right date to CTB. But, now I find a part of me is secretly fighting back to stay alive. I don't know why. Maybe it's for my partner. Maybe it's because I don't want to hurt my partner. I still have my method ready though just in case.

 

[Umacon]

Fear of failure. I have my SN, meto, paracetamol and benzos. I only miss a digital scale and find the courage to do it, overcoming my SI.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

Because I'm not strong enough

 

[GroundControl]

For me it's both cowardice and the fact that I was trying recovery before I had to move back in with my abusive mother. I was doing so good. Maybe my life span would be longer if I wasn't with her, haha...

 

[gymaddict18]

I tried partial hang last week but my SI kicked in. In the process of gathering materials for charcoal method. Guess I'm still here because I'm waiting for my old phone so I can look at old screen shots while I slowly drift away in my car from CO poisoning. Hopefully soon!

 

[twin size mattress]

Scared of failing an attempt, as well as sometimes i get scared that my death would hurt people.

 

[hopelessgirl]

To outlive my dog

 

[kawaiiphantom]

Honestly, I don't know. I had a plan and even have the method and everything. I was just waiting for the right date to CTB. But, now I find a part of me is secretly fighting back to stay alive. I don't know why. Maybe it's for my partner. Maybe it's because I don't want to hurt my partner. I still have my method ready though just in case.

I'm in the exact same boat

 

[LifeTransit_1]

2 things really...

1. I still do talk to friends outside of this forum that understand where I am mentally and do also have the same interests as me. Plus those are the only people that care about me.

2. Can't figure out a good time to actually CTB. I was hoping for some point in April/May but that's becoming less likely everyday that it would be a good time frame to do it.

 

[DecisionToLeave]

I failed partial hanging. Maybe I think my life can be better, which supports me to be alive.