Why are you still alive?

[migimortis]

Why are you still alive? Is it fear? Not wanting to hurt loved ones? Not knowing how to ctb? The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm a coward. I should've killed myself years ago. Sure family may be upset but they are upset over me being a failure anyway. I'm alive because I'm weak. I'm not living, I'm simply holding on.

Why are you still alive?

 

[ultimategrandfinal]

Things in my situation have evolved quite a bit and as a result I think the reason I am alive is simply because I cannot bring myself to do it since I don't have a guaranteed success at the moment. If I had a good way out without many restrictions I'd be able to get out of this hell more easily, mentally too

 

[brokeandbroken]

Why are you still alive? Is it fear? Not wanting to hurt loved ones? Not knowing how to ctb? The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm a coward. I should've killed myself years ago. Sure family may be upset but they are upset over me being a failure anyway. I'm alive because I'm weak. I'm not living, I'm simply holding on.

Why are you still alive?

First reason is the most salient of the two for me. Which is I wanted to turn over every stone and make sure that I won't get help. Because if I got help to lift me out of this situation that wasn't of my own making... Then I wouldn't want to CTB.... Unfortunately, no one wants to help...

Second is the lack of good methods. Hanging is my preferred option in lieu of better ones... But I also don't want to wind up a quadriplegic... Which is the main thing stopping me...

 

[Alltheywanted]

The hope for a normal life still attacks me.

 

[paroxysm]

i have no successful methods available

 

[migimortis]

The hope for a normal life still attacks me.

I didn't realize it, but after reading your post, I think I feel this to some degree. The what if. Is there the slightest glimmer of hope things could change? I've suffered for so long, so so so long. Could I not finally have happiness somehow? What if? I guess I also want all the suffering I've been through to mean something. Surely there was a point to all this pain?.

 

[thinvy]

currently it's bc I don't remember if my life insurance kicks in if I kill myself this year or if I have to wait until next year.

I'm so out of it right now that I keep thinking it's 2023 oops

 

[migimortis]

Because I've been too much of a chicken shit until now. When you hit rock bottom ctbing comes easier
Because I've been too much of a chicken shit until now. When you hit rock bottom ctbing comes easier
Because I've been too much of a chicken shit until now. When you hit rock bottom ctbing comes easier
Because I've been too much of a chicken shit until now. When you hit rock bottom ctbing comes easier
Because I've been too much of a chicken shit until now. When you hit rock bottom ctbing comes easier
Because I've been too much of a chicken shit until now. When you hit rock bottom ctbing comes easier

This is me everyday.

 

[deedeme]

@migimortis my teenage sister is the main reason, we are very close. If I was successful in killing myself she will not have an effective support system.

● My relatives are biggest self centred aresholes ever. They have made fun of me for being the crazy family member and when I die I can identify which relatives will be gossiping about how I was always the crazy one.

● my mum cares way too much what these arseholes think and will not cope with the public shame and family gossip over my suicide.

Can I pm you? I feel we share similar circumstances.

 

[Lily_bun]

Only reason I'm still here is because of three failed attempts two overdoses and one using CO. Because of those attempts I have chronic chest pain but I'm hoping I'll be successful soon. I also keep having friends trying to give me some piece of hope to hold onto just for it to all go away at the last minute so that's been prolonging the time I'm here.

 

[bridge-walking]

tried once before but failed. trying again and not succeeding would be the worst outcome and my family and friends would never forgive me for that. they already had a hard time with it the first time. at least if I die they dont have to stare at my face wondering why im such a coward for trying to ctb. things were somewhat happy after my previous try but now they are even worse than before so im planning my method carefully this time.

 

[SorrowfulDrugUser]

You're not a junkie unless you are robbing and stealing for your habit. Functional addictions have helped me cope for many years. ( recently clean for 3 months) I was thinking of Fent as a way out, but I hear it is hard to find it uncut?

Definitely, tor.taxi will be a good friend to help you, you can still get some clean F, can't elaborate too specifically here as that's against TOS.

 

[Lostone47]

5 different co tests that have failed to reach proper levels. Can't get it above 1900 with 4kg of charcoal in the car. 2 Chimney starters lit until coals are gray and glowing. Into the vehicle with buckets, then tried grills. Briquettes and lumpwood. Royal Oak as a recommended "premium" charcoal brand. Have only been able to maintain 1100 ppm for any significant amount of time. Only option easily able to obtain with least SI imo. It's a cruel joke at this point.

 

[greatgooglymoogly]

Failed/chickened out of attempts, and generally just wasting time and debating all aspects of suicide in my head because I don't want to hurt people even though my relationships with them are just decaying and I can't change anything

 

[Doemu]

Cause I'm afraid that death is not the end.

 

[migimortis]

Cause I'm afraid that death is not the end.

If reincarnation is real, suicide is pointless. If existence is the problem and reincarnation is real, there is no escape. We are already in hell.

 

[thesadbrazilian]

I don't know. Five tries, and they all flopped. Guess I'm even rubbish at kicking the bucket. What a sad joke

 

[FireFox]

Can I pm you? I feel we share similar circumstances.

@deedeme Yes you can

 

[deedeme]

@deedeme Yes you can

I tried but it seems there's no available option:(

 

[femmedelaville]

Strong SI that I'm working to overcome

 

[4g1vvvven]

Strong SI that I'm working to overcome

How are you working to overcome it?
I get demoralised by failed attempts and worry it just weakens my resolve

 

[sserafim]

Why are you still alive? Is it fear? Not wanting to hurt loved ones? Not knowing how to ctb? The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm a coward. I should've killed myself years ago. Sure family may be upset but they are upset over me being a failure anyway. I'm alive because I'm weak. I'm not living, I'm simply holding on.

Why are you still alive?

Cause I'm scared of failing an attempt and being left with permanent damage. That's the reason why I haven't even tried yet. I feel like there's a bunch of things that could go wrong. I would hate to fail and be even worse off…it's too much of a risk for me. I also haven't decided on a method yet. If I had access to VAD/MAiD I would've done it already though…

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

Just stupid hopes. Got to go soon, quite likely.

 

[SSamGarrison]

Fear of failing, fear of what death will be like. I suppose I do feel bad for leaving people. I can never go through with any attempts

 

[Lycan]

Why are you still alive? Is it fear? Not wanting to hurt loved ones? Not knowing how to ctb? The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm a coward. I should've killed myself years ago. Sure family may be upset but they are upset over me being a failure anyway. I'm alive because I'm weak. I'm not living, I'm simply holding on.

Why are you still alive?

Because I'm not given any choice.

 

[archerfish]

My cat is the only thing holding me back honestly. Everyone in my life can comprehend what happened to me, and understand to some degree. My cat won't. All she'll know is that I left her, and I can't bear that thought. May sound silly, I've had her for almost 11 years and we have a very special bond. She never leaves my side when I'm home. The day she dies, is the day I will lose my purpose. She's old now, so I'm starting to prepare.

 

[queserraserra]

Why are you still alive? Is it fear? Not wanting to hurt loved ones? Not knowing how to ctb? The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm a coward. I should've killed myself years ago. Sure family may be upset but they are upset over me being a failure anyway. I'm alive because I'm weak. I'm not living, I'm simply holding on.

Why are you still alive?

Sometimes, even how much im in my feels, i still can see & feel how precious life can be. I also feel as if im lucky to be born the way i am. For an example, I dont find myself "ugly" . ive personally never had a problem with my appearance & tbh ( this sounds so stupid btw ) thats really the only reason im still alive. I feel as if i can actually do well in this lifetime & i dont really want to throw it all away yet? But then there comes a point we all reach where we just dont care about the things keeping you alive. Overall, im a coward, ungrateful, & selfish (etc).

 

[barkbark]

because several friends are desperately holding onto me for dear life trying to keep me around (a few of them in particular have past trauma of losing friends to ctb,) and until they realize i'm a lost cause and abandon me, i'm just going to continue burdening them and society with my existence, venting and whatnot

also i really really do want to try hard to make it through and recover because my bf is so incredibly damn supportive and loving. it makes me cry thinking about what he will feel if i ctb, and i just can't do that to him. i've even talked to him about potentially separating amicably but he instantly knew fully well what i was trying to do, clinging to me and trying to support me even more, so. also generally scared of how my mom would react..

 

[sammiechzxv]

A lot of reasons. It never feels like the right time, always something coming up that'd make me feel like an ass to miss. I don't have access to any peaceful methods. and most importantly I don't want to leave my cats, they're innocent, they don't deserve to lose their owner.

 

[vesisika]

In the future, I want to be able to help people with mental health problems. Also I haven't totally given up on myself. I'm really depressed and this society and the world we live in is sick but even if I died it would remain as sick as it is now. I believe that nothing happens after death so I will have eternity of nothing ahead of me. So now I want to make a difference in peoples' lives. It won't change the world but if I die now it's a sure thing that I was a total waste. I don't want to lose this battle to depression and I'm trying my very best.

 

[UnwaveringFire]

Once, I would have mentioned my loved ones.
But being forced to see them suffering over me is much worse than death. For all of us. If I die by suicide, I hope that - once they overcome their own grieving period - they will eventually think I'm at peace now.

I guess what's stopping me must be the fear of surviving, rather than dying. Because they would never look at me the same way, trust me the same way, someone I can't lose just yet will leave me, I would have no choice but to face what I've done to them for the rest of my life and ruin the best shot I have at this (as I won't have my precious one-time only element of surprise anymore, after my first try is wasted).
Plus, no permanent post-attempt damage is done yet - which gives me some twisted kind of advantage. A part of me needs to plan it carefully, even if it means postponing it again. After all, this could really be my first and only chance, in case I get paralyzed from head to toes, my eyes shut and all my other senses gone as well, but still mentally awake. It's worst-case scenarios like these that actually hold me back the most.

Would I deserve it?