Venting still here, still a coward

[nowizard]

the last time i posted here was February. i was sure to have ctb by the time i turned 19 in june. now it's july i am still here. between then and now the only thing that kept me from doing it was that i was supporting my only friend through her final exams. my plan is pretty much set in stone, i don't know why things still keep me from doing it. i feel like such a coward for it.
my mother has been very cruel to me, my relationship with her has just been getting worse and each fight my only thought is "i wonder if she'll regret being so mean to me when she finds me dead".

my loneliness has been eating me alive. i talk to two people online, i dont remember the last time i had a conversation with someone my age in real life. it all feels so ridiculous. but it's making my decision easier.

my mother and my social worker want me to find an apprenticeship and i'm working on it, but i hope to be dead by september. do i write down my bank info for my family? it's not a lot of money but i'm sure they will need it.

if anybodys reading this i hope you're doing well, or as good as possible?

i like this forum, it has the quiet energy id love in my life if that makes sense lol

 

[v0wkeeper]

you sound and think like a good person, if you believe if you were supposed to die in july but your still here, i think it's a sign to keep improving but thats just me. and if you want to write down your banking info i'd recommend it if your family is in a terrible financial situation.

if you do end up going through it i hope it goes as planned and painless.