Discussion where did it all go wrong for you?

[auror.]

Sexual abuse from ages 5-11 (maybe even earlier?). I was already an anxious, introverted, self-defeating child before that, so you can imagine how much worse things got. I spent most of my childhood being paranoid. Believed that I was being monitored by the Illuminati and that God would kill me in my sleep. Never had a moment of peace. And ta-da! Suicidal ideation by the time I was 11.

Despite it all, l was still going strong — or so I thought. I had big hopes for my future, it's just too bad that I suck.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

High school, as cliched as that sounds. I wanted so desperately to tell this girl I liked her, but I was too shy. There will never be anyone else; not that I could even sustain a serious relationship now. I will be looking at her photo during my ctb attempt, in the hope that I will get to see her as she was in 2008 or somehow tell her in a dream. God, I'm a loser.

 

[Nunyabinniss]

It was at birth, it was being born to a 16-year-old girl in a heavily conservative LDS community that was Judgemental and Super conservative and constantly bringing up why I don't have a father. Who happen to kill him self maybe it was then or maybe it was being taken away from my grandparents were my true parents when I was seven by my mother just to be neglected and ignored and eventually put into a "treatment center" which really is just part of this whole trouble teen industry #BreakingCodeSilence #ISeeYouSurvivor where I was trapped unable to talk walk or even vacate my own bowels when I needed. They trapped kids for up to three years in there and places like that. I spent 15 months in there receiving no education whatsoever constantly catching flack for the most simplest of things beliefs and values they found out I was secular- agnostic and burned me at the stake for that. It was a crazy program that wasn't therapy at all just some fucked up shit where there was constant gay witchhunts abuse sexual abuse and all manner of trauma. It's a very sexually repressed culture to begin with but this twisted facility really turned the screws on the kids and was constantly going on Gay which hunts. Good thing my family wasted $43,000 traumatizing me further and depriving me of a normal childhood even further. Maybe it was when I lost four friends to suicide on top of my father and an uncle…. Yeh weird. Maybe it's when I got shot in the hand- my dominant hand. Ever since then my self-esteem desire to join the society or even find any redeeming qualities to this society or a culture in general repulsive disgusting sad and sexually repressed. There's other things too- things that even pain me worse I can't bring myself to speak of. But I can consciously remember wishing there was a little button in the back of my brain I could switch off and just be dead at the age of 8 Thought about this and often went to sleep thinking of being able to just be dead. I still feel the same way decades later… I find the older I get the harder it is to override my survival instinct which I really hate my body to no longer process alcohol which is a damn shame because that was really helpful in getting me in the mood for it but it just makes me so nauseous I can't even stand so I can't drink anymore but I still want to die badly. I felt this way my whole life and I don't see it ever-changing maybe it's genetic maybe I just don't like I've maybe this isn't meant to be I don't know but I want to die just going to go to Canada and pray they can help euthanize me

Antidepressants.. Stole my personality! My identity! Sex drive! Emotions! I am a complete empty shell! .. I feel like I have been buried alive. I cant wait to die and be in eternal peace. I never deserved any of lhis I only had mild anxiety before.. Its so cruel what tablets have done to me.. I now deserve to rest as I can't take anymore of this complete torture.

Damn have you tried different ones? I'm guessing that you have but maybe this one's just a bad mix for your body chemistry? Personally antidepressants never worked with me except for the negative side effects! Ahh I hope you get better! I hate those drugs!

 

[Addi_Madd]

About five years ago my mental health began deteriorating on an ever increasing decline, without any of the periods of improvement in between which have been the past pattern over my whole life.

to cut a long story short I'm currently barely able to work and my finances are out of control. Getting on disability support for major depressive disorder is basically unheard of in my country. To qualify for disability due to mental health you have to have a condition like severe schizophrenia.

I am behind on the mortgage, and owe thousands of dollars in outstanding bills and have a huge credit card maxed out. I'm probably going to face foreclosure and if I can't get an early release of super I will be fucked. Apart from being homeless I can't face the shame of my small number of loved ones knowing my life has turned into a lie where I stay quiet and people assume everything's ok when I'm living in squalor and can barely leave the house.

one of my cats developed a health problem because he got sick and I couldn't afford the vet. This is a guilt and shame I'll never get over.

 

[greychildvii]

for me it was birth. i inherited really shit allergies from my dad (eggs, nuts, chickpeas, all dairy, fish, etc. and they were all lethal) so i couldn't find any friends. then there was the divorce.

When I lost my fiancé to suicide

 

[snxw]

i was fucked from the moment of conception.

 

[DutchDude26]

Too protective childhood. Antidepressants. Cold turkey quit. Relationship that turned bad but Stayed resulting in trauma bonding. Final straw was ditching my education and becoming a delivery driver waking up at 4am everyday and sitting alone all day in a small truck/big van. It made the issues i had worse, numbed my brain and killed my social skills, one of the few things i was confident in as well as my imagination. Gone. Blew up my relationship (was bad anyway) like 7 months ago. Trauma bonded like i said so completely not over it. Lack social skills and personality now to meet someone or even Truly connect with the people i do have left from 'my past self', fear of them leaving me. My brain feels empty i don't think about much.

Dont think i Will CTB soon tho. I dont want to put my family through that and deep down i want to succeed. It's just seems realisticly impossible.

Despite that i took up my education again (law school). It's harder then it used to be but if i can get through it with this state of mind it'll be the biggest achievement in my life so far.

 

[luckrunsdry]

Antidepressants.. Stole my personality! My identity! Sex drive! Emotions! I am a complete empty shell! .. I feel like I have been buried alive. I cant wait to die and be in eternal peace. I never deserved any of lhis I only had mild anxiety before.. Its so cruel what tablets have done to me.. I now deserve to rest as I can't take anymore of this complete torture.

Funny you say that. "Oh theyre harmless" "wouldnt be prescribed if they did any harm" what a load of bollocks. Its as if drugs dont make permenent physiological changes in the body/brain.

 

[Stargazer100]

Despite that i took up my education again (law school). It's harder then it used to be but if i can get through it with this state of mind it'll be the biggest achievement in my life so far.

But if you fail it will crush whatever hope of improvement you still had right? That's where I am at.

 

[brashwriting]

Didn't read the thread; just wanted to say this:

It didn't go wrong for me. It was always wrong.

 

[Judy Garland]

Birth.

 

[T90-Alpha]

The moment my parents finalized the divorce papers

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Since genetic skin condition at 12 that was pimples leading to disease acne very severe and combination of depression, combined with bullying being an outcast

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I've always been depressive, prone to ruminating, fearful, avoiding challenges, clinging to comfort and habit, self loathing, always taking shortcuts and cutting corners, self sabotaging, squandering opportunities… and now quite suddenly washed up and isolated… something clearly defective inside me - poor parenting/neglect likely involved …

 

[WorthlessTrash]

(I am going to seem like a broken record soon)

It all started 31 years ago when......I was born male, then 19-20 years ago I started to feel really sex dysphoric (which I was able to mitigate with various distractions through out life) and then 1 year ago when it festered and really hit me in the gut. I have been presented with various typical treatments/solutions/coping skills for it (by reddit, google and therapy), but I will not attempt them because I do not believe them to be adequate enough for me. I'd just rather CTB.

 

[CasperGhost]

Finding out my dad had committed suicide when I was 11. I found out a year after he died; so I never attended his funeral.

A car accident from last month. I have to quit college and I'm losing my drivers license because of this ordeal.

Never hated myself more

 

[bing]

It all went wrong when my weird mentally ill autistic white father stuck his dick in my schizophrenic Asian mother

 

[I need peace]

Well, from childhood you could see that I was going to turn into a fuck up, didn't have a nice brought up, but what broke me for real was drugs, my first OD at 16, then loosing a kid at 18, then starting sex work, I guess that's my little bundle of what truly fucked me up.

Well, from childhood you could see that I was going to turn into a fuck up, didn't have a nice brought up, but what broke me for real was drugs, my first OD at 16, then loosing a kid at 18, then starting sex work, I guess that's my little bundle of what truly fucked me up.

But truly, from the start you could already tell

 

[blvck]

I had problems before then but the beginning of the end started when i was 16. I'm still here now somehow but ive dreaded everu waking moment since then.

 

[Wizard999666]

- Severe asthma at 13
- Cystic acne at 15
- Schizophrenia at 25
- Severe ahedonia at 26

I had a good life as a child, but my shit genes are revealing more and more illnesses as I age. I can deal with everything except for the anhedonia. I have to just lay in bed half of the time, I feel so strong displeasure towards things that I can't physically do anything.

 

[Rogue]

When I started to mess with heavy drugs in my teens and an abusive childhood that led to that.

Same here, I feel depressed and abandoned. I'm just ready to ctb

 

[NegativeSymptoms]

- Severe asthma at 13
- Cystic acne at 15
- Schizophrenia at 25
- Severe ahedonia at 26

I had a good life as a child, but my shit genes are revealing more and more illnesses as I age. I can deal with everything except for the anhedonia. I have to just lay in bed half of the time, I feel so strong displeasure towards things that I can't physically do anything.

It is reversible through long term therapy. I have it. But yeah, anhedonia and loss of emotions is hard to bear.

 

[AllMyDreams]

As a newer member of this forum, can I say... you all have such valid reasons for feeling how you do. I can't relate much beyond mental illness and a lot of wasted potential from childhood. But this affirmed to me even more that calling the suicidal 'selfish' or 'attention-seekers'. is incredibly shortsighted. In many cases you've done all that you can to have a good life, even though it hasn't yet been enough. There is so much strength in each and every one of you.

 

[thedaywillcome]

At birth.

 

[Cryptonite]

When I was diagnosed with severe spinal disease that was asymptomatic for many years, but put me in the bed at the age of 24 and destroyed everything I had. It could have been completely cured if diagnosed early but no one knew and cared.

 

[mojabaka]

Covid vaccine. Was perfectly healthy, now I'm disabled.

 

[ambiendreams]

Covid vaccine. Was perfectly healthy, now I'm disabled.

Woah, what happened?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Probably the day my car got broken into was the start of it all but if I go into that story again, Seth Rogen would probably show up in my room at night to tell me why cars being broken into is actually a good thing that just comes with living in California.

 

[ambiendreams]

Moving countries as a child, sometimes the "third world" is better. Puberty did a number on me as well. But ultimately birth is where it went wrong I guess. Sometimes I day dream about travelling back in time and preventing my parents from meeting and having me

 

[braindead91]

Probably when I was born.