Discussion where did it all go wrong for you?

[KafkaF]

I honestly think it's more complicated than that question implies for me.

I was emotionally abused by my parents throughout my childhood. Nothing as bad as some people have to put up with, tbh. I've heard about way, way worse abuse than my own. But nevertheless it did happen. And it had a huge amount of negative effects on me. Especially in destroying my self-esteem and making me develop social anxiety and failure anxiety. As well as a bunch of attachment issues and a deep sense of worthlessness that's always with me.

So in that sense you could argue it was over for me as soon as my parents started parenting me. But that being said, I actually don't think it was hopeless quite yet and I think I could've still had an alright life if other things had gone differently.

I was bullied in my first year of elementary school too, that probably didn't help. But the bullying did eventually stop once I stood up to my bully and then started making friends.

Then when I was a teenager I started developing social anxiety. It wasn't so bad at first. But I started avoiding going out with friends a lot. Turning down invitations. When I entered college I had to quit classes because it was too stressful for my social anxiety. And after a while I didn't even dare to go to the grocery store or take a bus.

I also developed severe failure anxiety. This made me unable to do exams in college.

Eventually I did find a psychologist (several years later) who'd go on to help me significantly with my social anxiety and failure anxiety. If I'd met her earlier, I think that could've really changed things for me.

Anyway in 2015 I got a new girlfriend and started going to college again. So my life seemed to be on an upswing. If it had stayed this way maybe things would've turned out alright. However, when covid hit my failure anxiety became too strong and I had to quit college permanently this time in the last half of my last year. The girlfriend I met also often treated me like crap and then eventually dumped me.

It's possible that if the pandemic hadn't hit and/or I'd had a different girlfriend who was loving and supportive that things might've stayed alright. But I didn't.

Fell into another deep depression at the start of 2022 and was gonna end it then. But happened to meet another girlfriend. She made a big difference in my life and made me feel better. I slowly started healing from my depression in 2023. But because I'd had so many previous depressions and my life was such a mess, this was a very slow process. Then in October of 2023 she broke up with me pretty much out of nowhere. And so since then all my healing has reversed and my depression has returned a thousandfold.

If I'd met her years earlier instead of my other girlfriend, things might've gone very differently. But unfortunately, I didn't. Or if she'd stayed with me, things might've gone pretty differently since I was healing (albeit very slowly). But she didn't.

So, yeah, I think for me there were a bunch of big turning points. After every turning point recovery became harder and less likely.

1. If I hadn't had abusive parents things might've turned out differently. I'd say at this point 90% of a largely good life.
2. If I'd gotten good help for my social anxiety and failure anxiety earlier, that might've made a difference. I'd say at this point still 70% chance of a good life.
3. If I'd met someone other than my third girlfriend who was supportive or met my fourth girlfriend in 2015 or got back together wirh my first girlfriend by then, then things would've possibly turned out differently. I'd say maybe 60% chance of a good life.
4. If I hadn't gone through my 2018-2019 depression that slowed my school career down again, things might've gone differently. I'd say maybe 55% chance of good life.
5. If covid hadn't hit things might've gone differently and I probably wouldn't have fallen into another depression. I'd say maybe 50% chance of a good life.
6. If my third girlfriend hadn't broken up with me at my worst moment, things might've gone differently. I'd say maybe 35% chance of a good life.
7. If my previous girlfriend hadn't broken up with me things might've gone differently. I'd say maybe 30% chance of a good life.

At this point I feel like I have maybe a 5-10% chance of a good life still. But I may be being optimistic there. At any rate, I think the likelihood of recovery is very low at this point. And it got lower with every step. But there wasn't just one moment where it all went wrong. it was a bunch of moments of things going wrong which all added up over time.