Oh damn boy. This one gonna be a long one.
Self-esteem is up. I had a 3 hours debate with friends about German politics and I crushed them. They are pretty savvy but I think their arguments were weak.
Then self-help group. There is a woman who seems to have sympathy for me. I think I am pretty open about my feelings and insecurities in this group. I got many compliments of women for that. But many were in relationships. The woman took the same bus as me I think to spend more time with me. She said another bus would have been better for her. I don't think she considers to leave her bf for me. But I think I am interesting for her. I wonder whether she wants to cheat emotionally on her bf just as the chemistry master student did. I doubt it. I think I am pretty deep. I am not sure about her intentions. She will soon leave the country for one year anyway. My friends say it is paranoid. Maybe they are right. But I doubt she has serious interest in me anyway. More that I am so interesting because I am so deep and emotionally available. The woman said in the group she has sexual dysfunction. I was moderator and that's my nightmare scenario. Talking about sexuality makes me so insecure. I had a few sexual experiences but not that many. It made me paranoid that topic. I think she noticed I was rather uncomfortable. But I overanalyzed the situation and pressured me not to show a weird facial expression or to grin. In the bus she asked me whether she overshared in the group when she opened up about that one thing. And I said the truth. I was very in my own thoughts not to show an inadequate expression and I was more concerned with myself. I am insecure what other people think of me. And I said to her I am a pathological oversharer in this group who trauma dumps all the fucking time. She had to chuckle about that. She said she wants to have children. But does not know whether she and her boyfriend can have children or whether they have to adopt them. She might have something genetically. But the "condition" of her bf sounded very strange. He does not want to have children because in his family there is this condition which is often inherited. It is something that can be inherited, maybe has something to do with genes. And it is unbelievably stigmatized. Even when I brought up my psychosis she said it is way more stigmatized. I wonder which condition is so stigmatized that you can literally talk with noone about it. And it can be inherited. The way she talked about it sounded very strange. Maybe you will laugh about my theory. But could it be a micro penis? Maybe I am just too paranoid. But I cannot think about a condition that spreads in the family that is so extremely stigmatized. Usually when it is inherited there is less stigma. Bro I should not speculate. But let's be honest I will never be able to shut my mouth in this forum. And everyone stays anonymous anyway. I have a little bit of a guilty conscience I have to admit that.
My dad is in a clinic. I think he has a depressive episode because he realized I cannot work. Which is totally insane and ridiculous. People say to me I must mean a lot to my dad if he suffers to much because of me. The thing is I said to my dad like countless literally more than 100 times that I am unable to work since 5-6 years. That I am extremely sure about it. And that he should not think something else. His reply was: "I don't believe. You live in a fantasy world." I think he meant with that: That in my fantasy world work is unnecessary because I live like in a fairy tale. And everything was for granted. But he does not get that I am literally unable to work. That I get fired when I am trying to hold a job. And yes I was fired. And he still did not believe it. I was in college half-time student abusing medication because I am way too ill for studying. And my family he included pressured me to keep going. Which ended in an almost attempt at the end of 2024. And when I told my dad that I ordered something lethal he replied. "I never thought you would actually do it. I thought these were all only (empty) words." Bro I also told him that this is a stupid stance. Anyway, he considers people who ctb stupid anyway he said that when I liked David Foster Wallace so much. So I guess I don't have to worry about my dad he could end his life. He even pressured me to keep going with college after it almost drove me to kill myself.
Well my aunt contacted me. I hate that bitch. I literally don't know her. But I am not interested to be in contact with her. My whole family sucks ass. After all the abuse I went through. And all this living nightmare. I think she is childless and regrets it. And now she wants to be in contact with me instead. Bro my family can go fuck themselves. My aunt wants that I visit my dad together with her and my sister. My dad wants that I am close to my sister. But the truth is my sister can go fuck herself. She blamed me for the child abuse I went through. She said to me it was my fault. She said if it was that hard for me why didn't I hit my mom back. What a fucking bitch to say something like that. Blaming an innocent child for something like that. My sister is surprised that I am not interested in contact with her. There was a time some years ago where we played video games. And I told her my opinion on suicide. And my mental state. And oh boy. She told my dad she dislikes being in contact with me because I am always so negative. And well that's fine. But my dad wants us to be close. I wanted to talk my way out of meeting my dad. Especially, with my family. With my cyncial sister she would blame me anyway. They wanted that we drive in the same car. And I said I prefer taking the train. Actually, I like travelling with a train more than with a car. But the primary reason is I want to avoid as much contact with my sister as possible.
I am a nursing case. And for my survival I am dependend on the help of others. My dad wants that my sister is the person who cares for me. I am supposed to kiss her ass for that. Bro I won't do that. I rather kill myself. I even said that literally to one therapist. Two of my closest friends are willing to care for me. One of them might leave the country which makes me nervous. I need at leaste one, two of them were better. I prefer this solution so much more to ass kissing of my sister. My dad said I shall not trust my friends with that. And that family is so much more important. But my family consists of complete morons. I think he wants to talk with me that my sister shall care for me. He even told me if I want such a big favor of her I need to work on our relationship. Bro I won't do that. I rather kill myself. I won't do that. And I am pretty sure she is not willing to do it anyway. She is dismissive and would also be as abusive as my mom. I have too much dignity than to beg my sister. And she would blame everything on me. And criticize me. She has no more depression after the psychoses. And works fulltime. Me instead I am a nursing case. She already criticized me in our few chat messages. I am so glad I could dodge the car drive with her. Fuck all of them.
Self-esteem is up. I had a 3 hours debate with friends about German politics and I crushed them. They are pretty savvy but I think their arguments were weak.
Then self-help group. There is a woman who seems to have sympathy for me. I think I am pretty open about my feelings and insecurities in this group. I got many compliments of women for that. But many were in relationships. The woman took the same bus as me I think to spend more time with me. She said another bus would have been better for her. I don't think she considers to leave her bf for me. But I think I am interesting for her. I wonder whether she wants to cheat emotionally on her bf just as the chemistry master student did. I doubt it. I think I am pretty deep. I am not sure about her intentions. She will soon leave the country for one year anyway. My friends say it is paranoid. Maybe they are right. But I doubt she has serious interest in me anyway. More that I am so interesting because I am so deep and emotionally available. The woman said in the group she has sexual dysfunction. I was moderator and that's my nightmare scenario. Talking about sexuality makes me so insecure. I had a few sexual experiences but not that many. It made me paranoid that topic. I think she noticed I was rather uncomfortable. But I overanalyzed the situation and pressured me not to show a weird facial expression or to grin. In the bus she asked me whether she overshared in the group when she opened up about that one thing. And I said the truth. I was very in my own thoughts not to show an inadequate expression and I was more concerned with myself. I am insecure what other people think of me. And I said to her I am a pathological oversharer in this group who trauma dumps all the fucking time. She had to chuckle about that. She said she wants to have children. But does not know whether she and her boyfriend can have children or whether they have to adopt them. She might have something genetically. But the "condition" of her bf sounded very strange. He does not want to have children because in his family there is this condition which is often inherited. It is something that can be inherited, maybe has something to do with genes. And it is unbelievably stigmatized. Even when I brought up my psychosis she said it is way more stigmatized. I wonder which condition is so stigmatized that you can literally talk with noone about it. And it can be inherited. The way she talked about it sounded very strange. Maybe you will laugh about my theory. But could it be a micro penis? Maybe I am just too paranoid. But I cannot think about a condition that spreads in the family that is so extremely stigmatized. Usually when it is inherited there is less stigma. Bro I should not speculate. But let's be honest I will never be able to shut my mouth in this forum. And everyone stays anonymous anyway. I have a little bit of a guilty conscience I have to admit that.
My dad is in a clinic. I think he has a depressive episode because he realized I cannot work. Which is totally insane and ridiculous. People say to me I must mean a lot to my dad if he suffers to much because of me. The thing is I said to my dad like countless literally more than 100 times that I am unable to work since 5-6 years. That I am extremely sure about it. And that he should not think something else. His reply was: "I don't believe. You live in a fantasy world." I think he meant with that: That in my fantasy world work is unnecessary because I live like in a fairy tale. And everything was for granted. But he does not get that I am literally unable to work. That I get fired when I am trying to hold a job. And yes I was fired. And he still did not believe it. I was in college half-time student abusing medication because I am way too ill for studying. And my family he included pressured me to keep going. Which ended in an almost attempt at the end of 2024. And when I told my dad that I ordered something lethal he replied. "I never thought you would actually do it. I thought these were all only (empty) words." Bro I also told him that this is a stupid stance. Anyway, he considers people who ctb stupid anyway he said that when I liked David Foster Wallace so much. So I guess I don't have to worry about my dad he could end his life. He even pressured me to keep going with college after it almost drove me to kill myself.
Well my aunt contacted me. I hate that bitch. I literally don't know her. But I am not interested to be in contact with her. My whole family sucks ass. After all the abuse I went through. And all this living nightmare. I think she is childless and regrets it. And now she wants to be in contact with me instead. Bro my family can go fuck themselves. My aunt wants that I visit my dad together with her and my sister. My dad wants that I am close to my sister. But the truth is my sister can go fuck herself. She blamed me for the child abuse I went through. She said to me it was my fault. She said if it was that hard for me why didn't I hit my mom back. What a fucking bitch to say something like that. Blaming an innocent child for something like that. My sister is surprised that I am not interested in contact with her. There was a time some years ago where we played video games. And I told her my opinion on suicide. And my mental state. And oh boy. She told my dad she dislikes being in contact with me because I am always so negative. And well that's fine. But my dad wants us to be close. I wanted to talk my way out of meeting my dad. Especially, with my family. With my cyncial sister she would blame me anyway. They wanted that we drive in the same car. And I said I prefer taking the train. Actually, I like travelling with a train more than with a car. But the primary reason is I want to avoid as much contact with my sister as possible.
I am a nursing case. And for my survival I am dependend on the help of others. My dad wants that my sister is the person who cares for me. I am supposed to kiss her ass for that. Bro I won't do that. I rather kill myself. I even said that literally to one therapist. Two of my closest friends are willing to care for me. One of them might leave the country which makes me nervous. I need at leaste one, two of them were better. I prefer this solution so much more to ass kissing of my sister. My dad said I shall not trust my friends with that. And that family is so much more important. But my family consists of complete morons. I think he wants to talk with me that my sister shall care for me. He even told me if I want such a big favor of her I need to work on our relationship. Bro I won't do that. I rather kill myself. I won't do that. And I am pretty sure she is not willing to do it anyway. She is dismissive and would also be as abusive as my mom. I have too much dignity than to beg my sister. And she would blame everything on me. And criticize me. She has no more depression after the psychoses. And works fulltime. Me instead I am a nursing case. She already criticized me in our few chat messages. I am so glad I could dodge the car drive with her. Fuck all of them.
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