Discussion where are you at the ctb-o-meter?

[ItsAllTooLate]

I'm at a good 4. Could be better, could be much worse. Phew...

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Same here,that is a good description,I got desperate tonight and tried a stupid method which obviously didn't work but I felt that desperate to go,I've contacted dignatis but I haven't got the money :(

sorry to hear that. What method did you try?

 

[unwell lady]

What method you using hunny? Hope you don't mind me asking but I want to go tonight

 

[Joey]

I'm at a good 4. Could be better, could be much worse. Phew...

I'm around the same

 

[unwell lady]

Slashed my wrists earlier out of desperation but I just succeeded in making a mess

 

[Joey]

Slashed my wrists earlier out of desperation but I just succeeded in making a mess

Yikes

 

[unwell lady]

If they let a animal.go through what I'm going through someone would be arrested for animal cruelty! But humans no one gives a damn!

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

Yesterday was 10.
Today is 7-8.

 

[unwell lady]

Yikes

It's deep, I can see bone and it needs stitches but screw all that I need to go tonight,I cant go on like this, I have 4 diazepam,a small amount of alcohol,a Stanley blade and a rope with a ligture point. I wanted to go by pentobarbital, take it to to sleep.and.not.wake.up sounds my dteam. but can't get it,as long as I go tonight I'll be happy though

 

[esse_est_percipi]

If they let a animal.go through what I'm going through someone would be arrested for animal cruelty! But humans no one gives a damn!

I know. I think a lot on here are in that situation. It's tragic that people should have to go through this.
Society doesn't give a shit about people in difficult situations, but it does give a shit about making ctb as difficult as possible for them.

 

[unwell lady]

Sorry about the typos I have nerve Dave in my arms and.am.shaking
*damage

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Today 6. Like I enjoyed a little of my life and could do some things.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Sorry about the typos I have nerve Dave in my arms and.am.shaking
*damage

It sounds like you have rushed things. Please take care. Try to take a deep breath.

 

[AufH]

today probably 9,
want to give it a new try today, but have some tiny little SI left, especially since i go fool prove full supsension now, so not quiet a 10.

 

[wanttodie]

10 every day

 

[Inferdan]

yesterday was 5.5-6, today a solid 8, where are you at today?(0:life is beautiful -10: where is my <insert method item(s)> )

Life is never beautiful. I feel I'll be around the 2-4 constantly, unless something changes that, though that may not happen for quite some time

 

[Polly]

15

 

[Folie]

I think I've been stuck at about a 7 or 8 for many years now. It's like... I know I'm going to do it. It's just a matter of when. I'm trying to hold out as long as I can. My want for CTB is due to medical conditions and constant moderate-severe pain.

 

[Fragile]

A consistent 8-9 most days, It usually drops to 6 when whatever drug I'm taking kicks in.

 

[Mooshi]

9, I have my method and date(s?) I have my plan, I just need to actually commit once the day comes... Emotionally I'm at 11

 

[Unspoken]

This is a super thoughtful question! Thanks for asking and helping me feel a little less lonely. I'm about a 7, clear plan and date, just riding it out to the end.

 

[Green Destiny]

It fluctuates. Some days it's only a 4 or 5 but other days it's 8 to 9.

 

[I screwed up]

On good days its 5 but on bad days its 8-9. But I am so chicken don't know when I will ever succeed
On good days its 5 but on bad days its 8-9. But I am so chicken don't know when I will ever succeed

 

[PillowSia]

Not sure. I bought SN, but haven't opened or mixed it yet. Sometimes things are hard, really hard, and it feels like its a 5, but then other times, I feel almost numb and bored, and its like a 9. I guess its an 8 right now. I'm pretty empty, and my mind just kind of goes 'Yeah? Suicide now?' and I'm like, "Yeah, maybe buddy. In a bit."

 

[Djfrend]

At the moment it is about a 6. Varies between 5 and 10 daily, based on the severity of symptoms of Gastro illness. The fact that it isnt 10 constantly, is that the self destructive things i now do (because i have resigned myself to suicide) actually calm me. The more suicidal I am, the less my anxiety is.......and the easier it is to get through the day. Last week or so I have reached 10. Properly given up. because of this i can actually watch tv. Not been able to do that for 2 months. My passive suicide expresses itself in eating sugary snacks. Which makes my physical illness worse. but helps me sleep alot better. Until the last weekof doing this, i had been only getting 3hrs sleep a night. The fact that i am at 10 makes the days go by at a 6. Trouble is; if i remain at a practical 6, i fear i may not be able to ctb,..... even though the reason for not being at a 10 is that I am at a 10!!! ....if that even makes sense. I guess knowing i am going to die stops anything mattering and the anxiety abates.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I think I've been stuck at about a 7 or 8 for many years now. It's like... I know I'm going to do it. It's just a matter of when. I'm trying to hold out as long as I can. My want for CTB is due to medical conditions and constant moderate-severe pain.

Do you mind me asking what the conditions are..it's fine if you don't want to say.

At the moment it is about a 6. Varies between 5 and 10 daily, based on the severity of symptoms of Gastro illness. The fact that it isnt 10 constantly, is that the self destructive things i now do (because i have resigned myself to suicide) actually calm me. The more suicidal I am, the less my anxiety is.......and the easier it is to get through the day. Last week or so I have reached 10. Properly given up. because of this i can actually watch tv. Not been able to do that for 2 months. My passive suicide expresses itself in eating sugary snacks. Which makes my physical illness worse. but helps me sleep alot better. Until the last weekof doing this, i had been only getting 3hrs sleep a night. The fact that i am at 10 makes the days go by at a 6. Trouble is; if i remain at a practical 6, i fear i may not be able to ctb,..... even though the reason for not being at a 10 is that I am at a 10!!! ....if that even makes sense. I guess knowing i am going to die stops anything mattering and the anxiety abates.

I completely understand. Once you have switched to the mindset that you only have x amount of time left on this earth and that it is all under your control, the anxiety about living subsides and you're sort of on autopilot, which then makes it more difficult to switch back to the practical steps involved in ctb mode.

 

[unwell lady]

It sounds like you have rushed things. Please take care. Try to take a deep breath.

Thank you for your kindness and care

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Thank you for your kindness and care

How are you now?

 

[Folie]

@worried_to_death

Do you mind me asking what the conditions are..it's fine if you don't want to say.

Sorry! I don't know how to quote properly yet lol

I have Interstitial Cystitis, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, PCOS, and Fibromyalgia along with psychiatric disorders like generalized anxiety, PTSD, OCD, adult ADD, bipolar ll, and borderline personality disorder. Honestly, though... All three I listed first cause pain, but it's the Interstitial Cystitis that gets to me most. I recently made a post about my story that will have some more info there if you wanna check it out. :) It causes frequent urination (up to 60 or more times a day) so I have an Interstim implant to help with that. I have to take about 30 pills a day to manage it. There's no known cause or cure. I feel like a guinea pig. I had a urologist appointment today that I just got back from. I let her know of how bad things are for me. I told her I had been suicidal in the past, and she has referred me to Ohio State. Just gotta jump through hoops with insurance so it may take a while. I don't know what the next step is and neither do they...

 

[esse_est_percipi]

@worried_to_death



Sorry! I don't know how to quote properly yet lol

I have Interstitial Cystitis, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, PCOS, and Fibromyalgia along with psychiatric disorders like generalized anxiety, PTSD, OCD, adult ADD, bipolar ll, and borderline personality disorder. Honestly, though... All three I listed first cause pain, but it's the Interstitial Cystitis that gets to me most. I recently made a post about my story that will have some more info there if you wanna check it out. :) It causes frequent urination (up to 60 or more times a day) so I have an Interstim implant to help with that. I have to take about 30 pills a day to manage it. There's no known cause or cure. I feel like a guinea pig. I had a urologist appointment today that I just got back from. I let her know of how bad things are for me. I told her I had been suicidal in the past, and she has referred me to Ohio State. Just gotta jump through hoops with insurance so it may take a while. I don't know what the next step is and neither do they...

Thanks for replying. Sorry to hear you have to deal with all that. I'm not an expert, but I have read stories of remission for conditions like interstitial cystitis, so there is always hope, though I understand it's very frustrating if you've been dealing with things for years.
You said you are at 7 or 8 on the ctb scale..What would it take for you to go down to 3 or 4? Like, if your pain was to drastically diminish, would your desire to ctb automatically disappear or is it more complicated than that?