ItsAllTooLate
Dancing on the razor's edge
- Jul 1, 2020
- 55
I'm at a good 4. Could be better, could be much worse. Phew...
Joey
Enlightened
- Jun 14, 2020
- 1,432
Slashed my wrists earlier out of desperation but I just succeeded in making a mess
Joey
Enlightened
- Jun 14, 2020
- 1,432
If they let a animal.go through what I'm going through someone would be arrested for animal cruelty! But humans no one gives a damn!
It's deep, I can see bone and it needs stitches but screw all that I need to go tonight,I cant go on like this, I have 4 diazepam,a small amount of alcohol,a Stanley blade and a rope with a ligture point. I wanted to go by pentobarbital, take it to to sleep.and.not.wake.up sounds my dteam. but can't get it,as long as I go tonight I'll be happy though
I know. I think a lot on here are in that situation. It's tragic that people should have to go through this.
Society doesn't give a shit about people in difficult situations, but it does give a shit about making ctb as difficult as possible for them.
Today 6. Like I enjoyed a little of my life and could do some things.
It sounds like you have rushed things. Please take care. Try to take a deep breath.
today probably 9,
want to give it a new try today, but have some tiny little SI left, especially since i go fool prove full supsension now, so not quiet a 10.
want to give it a new try today, but have some tiny little SI left, especially since i go fool prove full supsension now, so not quiet a 10.
wanttodie
Enlightened
- Apr 19, 2018
- 1,801
Inferdan
Meeting the first minor relapse after recovery
- Nov 3, 2019
- 450
Life is never beautiful. I feel I'll be around the 2-4 constantly, unless something changes that, though that may not happen for quite some time
Folie
Member
- Jul 14, 2020
- 36
I think I've been stuck at about a 7 or 8 for many years now. It's like... I know I'm going to do it. It's just a matter of when. I'm trying to hold out as long as I can. My want for CTB is due to medical conditions and constant moderate-severe pain.
Fragile
Broken
- Jul 7, 2019
- 1,496
A consistent 8-9 most days, It usually drops to 6 when whatever drug I'm taking kicks in.
Mooshi
Across space and across time, I will be there.
- Jan 13, 2020
- 205
9, I have my method and date(s?) I have my plan, I just need to actually commit once the day comes... Emotionally I'm at 11
This is a super thoughtful question! Thanks for asking and helping me feel a little less lonely. I'm about a 7, clear plan and date, just riding it out to the end.
Green Destiny
Life isn't worth the trouble.
- Nov 16, 2019
- 862
It fluctuates. Some days it's only a 4 or 5 but other days it's 8 to 9.
On good days its 5 but on bad days its 8-9. But I am so chicken don't know when I will ever succeed
On good days its 5 but on bad days its 8-9. But I am so chicken don't know when I will ever succeed
On good days its 5 but on bad days its 8-9. But I am so chicken don't know when I will ever succeed
PillowSia
~Patchwork~
- Mar 2, 2020
- 19
Not sure. I bought SN, but haven't opened or mixed it yet. Sometimes things are hard, really hard, and it feels like its a 5, but then other times, I feel almost numb and bored, and its like a 9. I guess its an 8 right now. I'm pretty empty, and my mind just kind of goes 'Yeah? Suicide now?' and I'm like, "Yeah, maybe buddy. In a bit."
At the moment it is about a 6. Varies between 5 and 10 daily, based on the severity of symptoms of Gastro illness. The fact that it isnt 10 constantly, is that the self destructive things i now do (because i have resigned myself to suicide) actually calm me. The more suicidal I am, the less my anxiety is.......and the easier it is to get through the day. Last week or so I have reached 10. Properly given up. because of this i can actually watch tv. Not been able to do that for 2 months. My passive suicide expresses itself in eating sugary snacks. Which makes my physical illness worse. but helps me sleep alot better. Until the last weekof doing this, i had been only getting 3hrs sleep a night. The fact that i am at 10 makes the days go by at a 6. Trouble is; if i remain at a practical 6, i fear i may not be able to ctb,..... even though the reason for not being at a 10 is that I am at a 10!!! ....if that even makes sense. I guess knowing i am going to die stops anything mattering and the anxiety abates.
Do you mind me asking what the conditions are..it's fine if you don't want to say.
I completely understand. Once you have switched to the mindset that you only have x amount of time left on this earth and that it is all under your control, the anxiety about living subsides and you're sort of on autopilot, which then makes it more difficult to switch back to the practical steps involved in ctb mode.
Last edited:
Folie
Member
- Jul 14, 2020
- 36
@worried_to_death
Sorry! I don't know how to quote properly yet lol
I have Interstitial Cystitis, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, PCOS, and Fibromyalgia along with psychiatric disorders like generalized anxiety, PTSD, OCD, adult ADD, bipolar ll, and borderline personality disorder. Honestly, though... All three I listed first cause pain, but it's the Interstitial Cystitis that gets to me most. I recently made a post about my story that will have some more info there if you wanna check it out. :) It causes frequent urination (up to 60 or more times a day) so I have an Interstim implant to help with that. I have to take about 30 pills a day to manage it. There's no known cause or cure. I feel like a guinea pig. I had a urologist appointment today that I just got back from. I let her know of how bad things are for me. I told her I had been suicidal in the past, and she has referred me to Ohio State. Just gotta jump through hoops with insurance so it may take a while. I don't know what the next step is and neither do they...
Sorry! I don't know how to quote properly yet lol
I have Interstitial Cystitis, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, PCOS, and Fibromyalgia along with psychiatric disorders like generalized anxiety, PTSD, OCD, adult ADD, bipolar ll, and borderline personality disorder. Honestly, though... All three I listed first cause pain, but it's the Interstitial Cystitis that gets to me most. I recently made a post about my story that will have some more info there if you wanna check it out. :) It causes frequent urination (up to 60 or more times a day) so I have an Interstim implant to help with that. I have to take about 30 pills a day to manage it. There's no known cause or cure. I feel like a guinea pig. I had a urologist appointment today that I just got back from. I let her know of how bad things are for me. I told her I had been suicidal in the past, and she has referred me to Ohio State. Just gotta jump through hoops with insurance so it may take a while. I don't know what the next step is and neither do they...
Thanks for replying. Sorry to hear you have to deal with all that. I'm not an expert, but I have read stories of remission for conditions like interstitial cystitis, so there is always hope, though I understand it's very frustrating if you've been dealing with things for years.
You said you are at 7 or 8 on the ctb scale..What would it take for you to go down to 3 or 4? Like, if your pain was to drastically diminish, would your desire to ctb automatically disappear or is it more complicated than that?
