Might ctb 2nite

[DignifiedGrave]

I feel,... ready- I guess i feel pretty intent. I feel like a mess, I feel sad, I feel fucked up, I feel like, like im deeply horribly afraid, as if all those rehearsals and all that "acquired capability" has really done nothing but let me repress an unbeatable and abominable fear that, should keep me from trying to die, and yet here I am. I decided last night, and today I took off work and I been watching anime. Yesterday I finished Madoka magica and then went straight into haibane renmei... haibane was beautiful, the way handles topics of grief, self worth, depression, and suicide is amazing. One thing I think about a great deal lately is an afterlife. I think thats why haibane appeals to me. To think that we could go somewhere after we die and have a chance to truly reconcile what we left behind before we continue moving forward. I really like to try and think there is one. But im faithless. And somehow, taking your life is a leap of faith. Us people are so naive at times, acting like we have some idea of whats next. You know what gets me? If theres nothing else left after this, if this is all, how come it only got to be once? All of eternity for life to happen this once... and here I am thinking of taking my life, and how, after appearing once, Ill return back to nothing, and that will be it. And I should just throw away all hope that this experience could happen again. What sense is in all that? And why, if experience is an illusion, and were just matter is it so convincing? The world on acid was convincing too. If I lived in a perpetual state of being on acid, would the usual way of being seem so impossible as the ending euphoria of lsd? Idk. On acid i felt the world was dead and that i am too, and that, all things are dead stuff pretending to live. Dmt made me feel not scared of death. Now I mourn myself because while I want to not suffer, I wish something would carry over. So, incredibly badly. It seems cruel that this happens one time and for some of us its ripped away. And while im here, being a thing whos mind is made to handle only that exist, only that which I can recieve, how am i to know whats after?

 

[EternalShore]

See ya, DignifiedGrave~ I hope you enjoyed your day off with anime today~ :) I know someone who really likes Madoka Magica~ It looks so kyute~ ^_^ However, it's too dark for me to watch unfortunately~ Anyways, if you feel like you'd be leaving something behind that you regret before you go, you really should do it beforehand~ :) especially if what you think may be true about it being a return to nothingness~ Anyways, I wish you the best and will pray for you~ :)

 

[hdead]

The simple fact of the matter is: Nobody knows what happens after death. NDEs are basically vivid dreams, visions on drugs are similar. They provide us with some context to deal with the unknowns of life. But when you really sink into the 'not knowing' stuff tends to get a little tedious and scary. As you said yourself: It's a leap of faith.

The only thing that works for me is being certain I do not want to continue moving on in this world stuck in this meat-suit. Whatever happens after, happens. It will anyway, whether I wait for it to come to me naturally or if I force the issue. I know I tried. I know my heart is good. It's my mind that doesn't want to fit in and I want my mind to end. I hope what's in my heart gets to continue somewhere, gets reconciliation of some sort. It's sick and tired of this world filled with anger and greed. I got deceived by it many times before and I only see it happening again if I were to become a 'functioning' member of society. All I hear people do is nag and complain about others stuck in a similar meat-suit as them. Fuck that. I don't want to nag or complain. I've basically become a mute since I found out all people really like to do is to shit on/judge other beings.

 

[DignifiedGrave]

See ya, DignifiedGrave~ I hope you enjoyed your day off with anime today~ :) I know someone who really likes Madoka Magica~ It looks so kyute~ ^_^ However, it's too dark for me to watch unfortunately~ Anyways, if you feel like you'd be leaving something behind that you regret before you go, you really should do it beforehand~ :) especially if what you think may be true about it being a return to nothingness~ Anyways, I wish you the best and will pray for you~ :)

Thank you for the kind words. If I dont ctb tonight ill update the thread sometime tomorrow, or if I fail, then whenever possible. Till then, Ill carry these kind words with me. Here's hoping that theres another side to see