am I sound of mind enough to CTB when experiencing PMDD symptoms?

[00ps]

TL;DR at the end

I suspect I have severe PMDD (premenstral dysphoric disorder). It's been going on since I had my period (so at least 8-10 years). The days/week prior to my period, my suicidiality is through the roof. I am actively searching for reasons, I am actively making plans, I usually have written a note, and I am one bad moment away from doing stupid shit. The frusterating part about PMDD is I do not recognize when I am experiencing PMDD. I can have all the symptoms laid out in front of me, know about PMDD, and yet not connect the two. Which means, I am suicidal without truly knowing why I'm suicidal. I also don't know if I'm necessarily in the right headspace to kill myself, either (but I'll explore that in a bit, along with other issues that I have because of PMDD).

Because I am dysphoric as fuck about my period (and it's a sensory nightmare), my suicidiality doesn't end with my period. It basically continues with that energy (albiet a touch less aggressive) and I'm still suicidal.

The reason why these are 'issues' is because there is about a few days to maybe a week (if I'm lucky and nothing else goes wrong) where I'm no longer actively suicidal. I am still passively suicidal, and there are absolutely times where I flare up and become suicidal for hours to days duirng the one time period (haha) that I am most likely to not be actively suicidal. Those periods suck ass and it's very frusterating because I don't have a bunch of chances where the stars align and I can have a day where I'm not suicidal. So, during this time period I am actually able to somewhat pull myself together. I still don't like the idea of living, but I am able to put up with it.

It feels like I go through these time periods where I am far more likely to kill myself and go through with it, and these time periods make up the majority of my life. However, I don't know if I should be making this decision during those time periods because I might not be of sound mind. The issue, of course, arises because I don't know when I'm not of sound mind. I just don't know, and I need it to be directly told by someone else what's going on for me to see it.

I'm a believer in if someone isn't of sound mind, they shouldn't kill themselves. Especially if it's unnatural for them to be suicidal. However, in my case, I am way more likely to be suicidal than not on any given day. (I'd say it's at least 80% of the time active, 18% passive, 2% where I'm not, but I'm probably under the influence of something).

Do I still get to CTB even if I might not be in sound mind? Do I lose that just because there's a chance that I'm suicidal due to a disorder? Am I totally misinterpreting what 'sound mind' even refers to? I recognize this is a decision that only I can make (obviously), but if someone can help I'd appreciate it. I know there's some users that have moments where they're not in the right head space (bipolar, borderline, schizophrenia, etc.) and I'd be curious on what your opinions are about CTB'ing when you're going through an episode. I understand that PMDD and the listed disorders are not the same, but there are some things that I find similar in regards to the suicidal episodes that can occur.

Thank you for your time :-)

TL;DR:
When PMDD occurs, I get way more suicidal than normal (though 'normal' is still suicidal) and might not be of sound mind. However, I'm almost always suicidal and I cannot recognize when I'm suicidal because of PMDD vs when it's a normal flare up. Do I still get to CTB?

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

This is an interesting question. If you truly think you're not of sound mind, I would not try to CTB. Talk to someone instead and get help.

Also, have you considered anything to help with this? It sounds like it's ruining your life, and is actually life threatening. I hope you can talk to a gynecologist, endocrinologist, psychiatrist, or some other doctor that specializes in PMDD.

 

[00ps]

This is an interesting question. If you truly think you're not of sound mind, I would not try to CTB. Talk to someone instead and get help.

Also, have you considered anything to help with this? It sounds like it's ruining your life, and is actually life threatening. I hope you can talk to a gynecologist, endocrinologist, psychiatrist, or some other doctor that specializes in PMDD.

Tbh I'm terrified of reaching out to doctors and therapists and whatnot. I had one therapist who was beyond unethical to I don't really feel like I can trust them. I worry about being hospitalized when talking about this stuff to the doctors. I cannot afford to be put into a mental institution (both financially and emotionally, plus I'm paying for school right now).

How do you bring up suicidal ideation without getting hospitalized but ensure it's taken seriously?

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

Don't have any plan, intent, method, etc and you should be fine. Passive suicidality shouldn't get you locked in a ward. DONT tell mandated reporters the extent of your thoughts if you don't want to get sectioned.

Are you on birth control? Hormonal birth control could make a hell of a difference. I have friends who haven't gotten their period in over ten years — how amazing is that?

 

[bagel12]

TL;DR at the end

I suspect I have severe PMDD (premenstral dysphoric disorder). The days/week prior to my period, my suicidiality is through the roof. I am actively searching for reasons, I am actively making plans, I usually have written a note, and I am one bad moment away from doing stupid shit. The frusterating part about PMDD is I do not recognize when I am experiencing PMDD. I can have all the symptoms laid out in front of me, know about PMDD, and yet not connect the two. Which means, I am suicidal without truly knowing why I'm suicidal. I also don't know if I'm necessarily in the right headspace to kill myself, either (but I'll explore that in a bit, along with other issues that I have because of PMDD).

Because I am dysphoric as fuck about my period (and it's a sensory nightmare), my suicidiality doesn't end with my period. It basically continues with that energy (albiet a touch less aggressive) and I'm still suicidal.

The reason why these are 'issues' is because there is about a few days to maybe a week (if I'm lucky and nothing else goes wrong) where I'm no longer actively suicidal. I am still passively suicidal, and there are absolutely times where I flare up and become suicidal for hours to days duirng the one time period (haha) that I am most likely to not be actively suicidal. Those periods suck ass and it's very frusterating because I don't have a bunch of chances where the stars align and I can have a day where I'm not suicidal. So, during this time period I am actually able to somewhat pull myself together. I still don't like the idea of living, but I am able to put up with it.

It feels like I go through these time periods where I am far more likely to kill myself and go through with it, and these time periods make up the majority of my life. However, I don't know if I should be making this decision during those time periods because I might not be of sound mind. The issue, of course, arises because I don't know when I'm not of sound mind. I just don't know, and I need it to be directly told by someone else what's going on for me to see it.

I'm a believer in if someone isn't of sound mind, they shouldn't kill themselves. Especially if it's unnatural for them to be suicidal. However, in my case, I am way more likely to be suicidal than not on any given day. (I'd say it's at least 80% of the time active, 18% passive, 2% where I'm not, but I'm probably under the influence of something).

Do I still get to CTB even if I might not be in sound mind? Do I lose that just because there's a chance that I'm suicidal due to a disorder? Am I totally misinterpreting what 'sound mind' even refers to? I recognize this is a decision that only I can make (obviously), but if someone can help I'd appreciate it. I know there's some users that have moments where they're not in the right head space (bipolar, borderline, schizophrenia, etc.) and I'd be curious on what your opinions are about CTB'ing when you're going through an episode. I understand that PMDD and the listed disorders are not the same, but there are some things that I find similar in regards to the suicidal episodes that can occur.

Thank you for your time :-)

TL;DR:
When PMDD occurs, I get way more suicidal than normal (though 'normal' is still suicidal) and might not be of sound mind. However, I'm almost always suicidal and I cannot recognize when I'm suicidal because of PMDD vs when it's a normal flare up. Do I still get to CTB?

first off, i'm so so sorry you have to deal with pmdd it is hell on earth. i thought my depression and ideation during my period was bad, but then i was in a relationship with someone with pmdd, and i will NEVER complain ever again about my periods. she went through hell for half the month, every month, and i had to constantly remind her that she would regain the ability to feel happiness again in a week or two.

pmdd is often treatable by stopping your periods, or getting on meds. is this something you have looked into? i ask this because my partner at the time did this and, while not 100% cured, she felt much more functional and much less distressed before/during her period. it went from me talking her off the ledge nearly every day to maybe once or twice a cycle.

what was really surprising though is that treating the pmdd also helped her feel better even in other parts of the month, where she wouldnt have expected pmdd to affect her. i guess the hormonal imbalance gets worse before/during one's period, but it still exists and causes problems the rest of the month.

it sounds like dysphoria also contributes, would you be able to access hrt or diy hrt?

i think it is worth trying to treat the pmdd and dysphoria before making a decision to ctb, because the distress that these conditions cause is often treatable.

 

[00ps]

Don't have any plan, intent, method, etc and you should be fine. Passive suicidality shouldn't get you locked in a ward. DONT tell mandated reporters the extent of your thoughts if you don't want to get sectioned.

Are you on birth control? Hormonal birth control could make a hell of a difference. I have friends who haven't gotten their period in over ten years — how amazing is that?

I'll try to look into if I can get a booking with a doctor or a psychiatrist to see if they can do anything about it. I appreciate the help a lot.

I am on birth control. I take it and skip the sugar pills so I don't have to have my period that often but it still ends up happening every 2-3 months (I start to spot and cramp after the second) It's still so much better and honestly has been a significant change from before. I'm hoping testosterone will also help get rid of the period.

 

[00ps]

first off, i'm so so sorry you have to deal with pmdd it is hell on earth. i thought my depression and ideation during my period was bad, but then i was in a relationship with someone with pmdd, and i will NEVER complain ever again about my periods. she went through hell for half the month, every month, and i had to constantly remind her that she would regain the ability to feel happiness again in a week or two.

pmdd is often treatable by stopping your periods, or getting on meds. is this something you have looked into? i ask this because my partner at the time did this and, while not 100% cured, she felt much more functional and much less distressed before/during her period. it went from me talking her off the ledge nearly every day to maybe once or twice a cycle.

what was really surprising though is that treating the pmdd also helped her feel better even in other parts of the month, where she wouldnt have expected pmdd to affect her. i guess the hormonal imbalance gets worse before/during one's period, but it still exists and causes problems the rest of the month.

it sounds like dysphoria also contributes, would you be able to access hrt or diy hrt?

i think it is worth trying to treat the pmdd and dysphoria before making a decision to ctb, because the distress that these conditions cause is often treatable.

Thank you for your kind words!! I am currently taking pills to stop it and I'm doing HRT as well. They're both not working as well as I've been hoping but I'm only two months into HRT (three years on the pills though).

Between Sadbh and you I think I'm going to postpone my CTB for a year (although that's ambitious lol) to see if testosterone will stop it, along with looking into getting PMDD specific help to see if there's anything more they can do.

I appreciate the help a lot :-)

 

[bagel12]

Thank you for your kind words!! I am currently taking pills to stop it and I'm doing HRT as well. They're both not working as well as I've been hoping but I'm only two months into HRT (three years on the pills though).

Between Sadbh and you I think I'm going to postpone my CTB for a year (although that's ambitious lol) to see if testosterone will stop it, along with looking into getting PMDD specific help to see if there's anything more they can do.

I appreciate the help a lot :-)

im happy that i could be helpful! :) congrats on starting hrt! for most of the transmasc people i know, their cycle stopped or at least significantly lightened around 6 months - a year into hrt. be sure to get your t levels checked every once in a while, if your levels are on the lower end it might take longer for it to stop.

best of luck with everything!