It's 1am rn where I am. Yesterday was just crippling.
I want to just scream, I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel when my birthday's coming soon in 4 days from now and all I can think of is how I'd die before that. I never imagined I'd make it this far fr.
BTW I got out of the psych ward not too long ago after my last ctb attempt. There I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I didn't really care to ask what type or any of that. Honestly I just think all these depressive disorders are just ways to box people, when we're just too complex to be explained by just one label.
I don't think Bipolar Disorder is sufficient enough to explain how I am. Okay, like the day before yesterday, I was with my friends and we were laughing and joking and all of a sudden a wave of depression just hit me (or at least maybe from their perspective) but I knew what it was. I was tired of performing, tired of acting like I was fine when I've been thinking of the meaninglessness of this life and no matter what we do at the end of the day it's futile, it's like become a billionaire but there's still world hunger, there's so much suffering in the world, no matter what you do. I was tired of acting like I bought into life making sense I don't think it does. And they kept probing me to tell them what happened but how do I explain? They'd never understand. They know about my last ctb attempt, this one a lot of people knew, it's always just been just me. a friend, my dad or y'all on here. So how do I explain that I never actually stopped feeling that way.
I sometimes wish I could just go to sleep forever...
Idk, just wanted to dump this here, anyone wanna chat?
Also, I got like a whole lot to do...
I want to just scream, I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel when my birthday's coming soon in 4 days from now and all I can think of is how I'd die before that. I never imagined I'd make it this far fr.
BTW I got out of the psych ward not too long ago after my last ctb attempt. There I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I didn't really care to ask what type or any of that. Honestly I just think all these depressive disorders are just ways to box people, when we're just too complex to be explained by just one label.
I don't think Bipolar Disorder is sufficient enough to explain how I am. Okay, like the day before yesterday, I was with my friends and we were laughing and joking and all of a sudden a wave of depression just hit me (or at least maybe from their perspective) but I knew what it was. I was tired of performing, tired of acting like I was fine when I've been thinking of the meaninglessness of this life and no matter what we do at the end of the day it's futile, it's like become a billionaire but there's still world hunger, there's so much suffering in the world, no matter what you do. I was tired of acting like I bought into life making sense I don't think it does. And they kept probing me to tell them what happened but how do I explain? They'd never understand. They know about my last ctb attempt, this one a lot of people knew, it's always just been just me. a friend, my dad or y'all on here. So how do I explain that I never actually stopped feeling that way.
I sometimes wish I could just go to sleep forever...
Idk, just wanted to dump this here, anyone wanna chat?
Also, I got like a whole lot to do...
