Discussion What stops you from ending yourself right now?

[Beautifulpain]

searching for the right rope..

 

[affinity]

As of the last few days, I've been feeling like I want to prioritize reaching a solid conclusion on a long term creative endeavor I'm in the midst of. Who knows what will happen or when but this is keeping me motivated to stick around a while longer. Besides that, my parents still weigh heavy in the equation but I may have already typed that in an earlier post here.

What is it?

 

[Ineedtodie]

Hope.

 

[Henryk]

I think that I can still experience good things and maybe get back on top because if I had really ended my life in the first attempt I would have stopped meeting great people and things that made me happy

 

[je.suis.prêt]

I kind of want to recover, but the depression is winning at the moment. My SN is stuck in the post. I wish it was easier to die. There should be a switch to flip or a button to press.

 

[blackroseRM]

Quite literally, the only thing keeping me here is my cat. Every time I think "I really would like to CTB" and I even start to make a plan or think of methods, my cat is there, and I can't bear the thought of leaving her orphaned. I love her more than life itself, very, very literally.

 

[Bitterman1996]

Still want to try and just can't/don't have enough conviction to actually kill myself. Even though years ago I set the 'deadline' to be this year if it didnt get any better.

 

[yeksovaz]

Painting, I really want to paint some more.

 

[Skullinthewoods]

Honestly, the methods seem too long and complicated and I'm not particularly organised or motivated.

If I could down some fent right now and be done with it, it would likely happen, but for now I'm stuck researching, learning and trying to buy equipment... all whilst being very slow and tired.

 

[Comfydant]

the fear of death and the even greater fear of pain are the main reasons why i haven't ctb yet, as well as a lack of access to methods and the fact that my mom is constantly sick because she doesn't have access to her medication, so if i die, there will be no one to take care of her or our dogs. ...then again, my mom is in her 60s and at risk of heart failure due to her high blood pressure and our dogs are both around 12–13 years old and very sick as well, so i guess that won't be an issue for much longer.

 

[ephemerality]

the fear of failure, and the fear that there's a possibility that things could get better eventually. i'd hate to just "throw everything away" if there's even the slightest possibility i could live a happy/fulfilling life so i'm holding out to see if my situation will improve or if i'm fighting a lost cause. i'm also attached to my own art, i dont want to leave before people have heard my songs/what i want to say.

 

[krxbs]

several reasons. SI, people i love, lingering hope, and the wish to release all the songs i've written so far before i die. give the people i love something to remember me by, and express myself in one final way before i go. also, i guess, lack of practical resources. over the course of ~5 years, hanging, trains, burning & cutting didn't work because of my SI so i'm waiting on some SN, just to have in case the day comes.

i can relate to your message lots, @ephemerality. hope things turn out better for you, and you don't have to resort to ctb. best of luck <3

 

[Dead Horse]

Even though I'm here, I don't plan to do it anytime soon, and probably never.
I'm here because I believe my life is ruined beyond repair and I also believe that it would be better for me to do it.
But I'm too afraid of death and also every time I imagine my mother's face after she would find out, it becomes an impossibility for me.
But also I have this stupid hope that things might get better, and as much as it doesn't make ANY sense at all, it's still there.

 

[lionetta12]

For me it's my mother. I've already attempted before and I saw how sad she was. Didn't know how much she loved me until after that.

Wanting to help other people.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

A really tiny sliver of hope that things will get better.

 

[HopelessScientist]

Survival instincts and alcohol, ngl.

 

[anyhowstars]

as much as kids stress me out, I'd really love to have a child of my own. to just be able to look at a newborn and be like "i'm the father, that is my baby". I know it will never happen but sometimes the thought makes me happy

 

[ilovecats]

The gym. Without exercise I would've been dead since last June. My life is still in a free fall and I consider trying to cbt but the gym helps me stop thinking about life. I don't care if my parents or friends mourn my death, I will not be there to see them cry. I know it sounds narcissistic.

I'm here because I believe my life is ruined beyond repair and I also believe that it would be better for me to do it.

I feel the same. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of things I hate about myself. My appearance, my personality, my past, my capabilities. I have so many regrets and I feel like even if I try to "repair" my life step by step, even more problems will come and I would never be able to get back on track.

 

[kimikatachibana]

my boyfriend…i've devoted my life to him because he truly made me feel happy after dealing with chronic depression my whole life and childhood

 

[zhongnanhai]

my littlest sister. she's already 10 (they really do grow up fast) but because she's almost exactly 16 years younger than me, she's still practically a baby to me. my parents have five kids & even they agree that out of all of their children, she's almost supernaturally compassionate and sweet. never threw tantrums at stores or restaurants, never threw up on people as a baby, never screams when she doesn't get her way. she's a perfect little angel. we've always been extremely close because i drove her to school everyday and our birthdays are usually celebrated together as they're only a few days apart, she says i'm her favorite sibling and that means the world to me.

considering my suicidal thoughts stem from an abusive, traumatic childhood... i just can't do it. no matter how much i dream about taking my own life, no matter how much i plan and commit, there's always that fear that i'll traumatize her and destroy her life just like a random pedophile ruined mine. i know how easily childhood trauma can destroy a kid, how it sets them up for failure. i have to be strong because she doesn't deserve to come home from school to the news her big brother killed himself. i have to be selfless because i'be felt the pain that's inflicted when adults are selfish.

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

Loved ones, mostly. I also want to get back into writing, so that too.

 

[circuspeanut]

my boyfriend, dad, and fear
my dad has already been through so much trauma, but at the same time i feel like it would be a lot easier for him and my step mom if i did the deed

 

[Yamada]

I know I wouldn't be around to care, but I wouldn't want to traumatize my family, friends or first responders.

 

[gar3z]

my mom. I guess I am one of the very few things she has, and I don't want her to blame herself about it.

 

[thrownaway_272]

For me it's my mother. I've already attempted before and I saw how sad she was. Didn't know how much she loved me until after that.

for me its my cat at the moment, i hope she never has to know how much of a weight ive ended up putting on her again lately hoenstly

 

[LateForTheBus]

I have 2 prior failed attempts, so I have to make very sure that the next means I try will be the one to work.

 

[FieldsofLavender]

My friends and the family that I live with. I really want to ctb, but I... I can't bring myself to traumatize them, my family might be toxic and have caused a lot of my pain, but I just never want to hurt people... They want me alive, so... I live. (╥﹏╥) sigh

 

[ExtraItem]

Sounds kind of stupid but I have a goal weight I would like to reach and I'd apparently rather live than die fat and ugly. Hate the thought of someone seeing my deceased body and thinking "I can see why" even though I'd be dead and it wouldn't matter.

Plus, failure and possibly my siblings.

 

[thx1138]

I just want to get better. I just want to feel normal. It's all I ever wanted. I want relief from the mental torture. People told me to seek a doctor, so I did.

These desires are making me go to therapy, although it feels pointless. I'm giving it one more try.

 

[absolute]

My 2 year old grandson