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RadiantNumber
Specialist
- Mar 2, 2024
- 354
Cause I don't want to get older (soon I'll be 31 and this is easiest slip road to 40 then 50 etc etc), I don't want to see my family dying I want to live in easier times even if in this easier times were hard oneI know it's never just ONE reason, but it can definitely FEEL like it.
What is your #1 reason that pushes you over the top for not wanting to live anymore?
Thank you for sharing.
There is no meaning in anything. There is no such thing as caring for someone, everything you do you do for yourself. People say they care about you because they care about you but in reality it's because it makes them feel better about themselves by being nice to someone. Everyone does things out f obligation in making themselves feel better, there is no such thing as helping someone because you're a good person. No one is a good person, everyone is inherently selfish.
Of course there's nothing wrong with it.. but in that sense there is no point in living. I do not want to live a false reality under the lie that there will always be good in life when there is not. There is nothing worth living for other than to stay a little longer to humour yourself. I want to accomplish good things in life, if I live, I want to become a doctor and help people to satisfy my own superiority complex of choosing who I want to treat well base off of how much I like them. Because I am selfish, just like everyone else.Eupd, complex mental health. Incredibly rare genetic disorder which has already left me blind in one eye and will blind the other one day, poor physical health with ongoing seemingly unsolvable vitamin deficiencies, recent heartbreak, being replaced with another man instantly. Now im terrified of relationships, love and vulnerability. Lost my driving licence due to impulsive bad decisions while having mental breakdowns. Lost my home, moved back in with my mum who makes me feel like a burden. I work alone so I'm isolated and don't earn enough to build a comfortable life for myself.
So truthfully it's hard to say it was only one of the above. All of them stacked has me feeling like I have no choice.
adachichichi
Member
- Dec 12, 2025
- 5
I hate humanity, life, the vileness of evolution and by extension thereof, myself.
If a button existed that erases all life I would press it.iscussion
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Method What am I supposed do ?
- Thread startergardenhouse
- Start dateFriday at 6:13 PM
gardenhouse
Member
Mar 26, 202652
I've been feeling so awful and suicidal lately, and wanna end my life as my suffering seems has no end.
I've read the PPGB, i wish i had access to all the substances easily but of course most people don't unless you are a medical professionals.
I got a contract source to obtain NB but the harsh punishment if you get caught makes me think a million times. Even though that drug seems to be the best option for going CTB without much pain.
SN is discussed a lot here but sourcing is strictly regulated, since it's used as a self harm tool, the authorities have made it difficult to obtain, i have a business but not a food industry business, so suppliers are not gonna sell it to me.
CM, the sell of CB tank is not tor public as it's flammable toxic gas, you can do it from home but the process is not easy, and if you don't do it carefully, you might end up having a failed Attempt of suicide that gives you a permanent damage.
HS is easy to make by mixing hydrochloric acid and calcium sulfide, the substances are available for public to purchase but the smell is awful and you won't have a peaceful death, PPGHB ranks peacefulness only 3.
I live in nz and i believe dangerous substances are even more strictly regulated here than the US.
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wine is fine but
whiskey's quicker
Jul 26, 2025156
what are you supposed to do?
you are supposed to breathe in and then breathe out - deeply down into your stomach, and continue
at the very least your mind will be able to process things clearer and give you a chance to see a solution one way or the other
what is your business?
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gardenhouse
Member
Mar 26, 202652
I've done every possible solution that experts have advised me and it doesn't work. I got tinnitus 6 months ago and i haven't been sleeping since then, sleeping pills no longer work, sound therapy doesn't work as i'm a light sleeper, white noise makes my brain focus on it but doesn't shut down. Even if I manage to sleep, it's only for 1 hour, and then i wake up and can't sleep anymore, I hear the high pitched jet engine sound in my head 24 hrs that no one else can hear, it drives me crazy. I can't live like this any longer.
I run a webstore.
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wine is fine but
whiskey's quicker
Jul 26, 2025156
i am not questioning what you are going through, but it seems that you are in an angry, or overwhelmed type mode. you cannot think straight in that situation. at the very least, you are not thinking outside the box with one of those options, but i am sorry, i cannot give you anymore of an idea than that
what do you sell?
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gardenhouse
Member
Mar 26, 202652
I see, sorry for giving the wrong answer, I'm not angry though, more like confused and can't think straight, because the most peaceful and way to go is the hardest to obtain, and the easiest to do is the most painful
How about you? Why are you here?
I sell preserved flowers, not my main income though. I have a main job.
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[IMG alt="OnMyLast Legs"]https://sanctioned-suicide.net/data/avatars/l/101/101666.jpg?1730226888[/IMG]
OnMyLast Legs
Too many regrets
Oct 29, 20241,777
Does NB mean Nembutal? If so, are you sure you've really found it?
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gardenhouse
Member
Mar 26, 202652
Yes, found the reliable source but it's illegal to import in most countries including here in nz. here in nz assisted suicide is legal only if you are terminally ill and about to die in 6 months, they don't realize there are many people out there who feel life is not worth living anymore, they can't simply look at the medical records.
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wine is fine but
whiskey's quicker
Jul 26, 2025156
no worries - no one wants to be guilt tripped in feeling more pain, or to have someone patronise them
i am here because i can relate to many people on here
i guess preserved flowers do not need sn, do they? either way, i assume you would need the appropriate paperwork to be able to by it anyway
i guess angry mode wasn't the right terminology either - probably frustrated might have been better
Last edited: Saturday at 1:21 AMLike Quote Reply
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gardenhouse
Member
Mar 26, 202652
I think Sn is mainly used in food industry, definitely not preserved flowers. Unless I fool them, also SN itself is not enough, you still need to get drugs that sedate you unconscious otherwise you'll be in pain the overdose of SN takes effects. I just wish that the DDMAPh drug was easy to obtain, most of the them are prescription drugs and the M is the hardest to get.
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[IMG alt="fightclub17"]https://sanctioned-suicide.net/data/avatars/l/123/123607.jpg?1774976697[/IMG]
fightclub17
❤︎
Mar 3, 2026205
I had insomnia for months. The hospital prescribed Olanzapine which fixed my insomnia. It's worth looking into antipsychotics to help with sleep. Or go to hospital so they can put you on meds while monitoring you.
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gardenhouse
Member
Mar 26, 202652
I've been on sleeping pills lorazepam, zopiclone, but once i'm off sleeping pills i can't sleep, i will be up all night, i never had insomnia before, my insomnia is caused by my tinnitus, if I wasn't a light sleeper, this wouldn't be hard.
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itsgone2
-
Sep 21, 20251,561
I forgot about this chart
The downside of carbon monoxide is the danger of it. People live close or finding you.
If you work hard to eliminate that then maybe this is the best option
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gardenhouse
Member
Mar 26, 202652
Not if you do it in the car, carbon monoxide can be very effective, but again it's not available for public. Nz is very paranoid about safety, which is ridiculous oftentimes.
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doomerguy88
Member
Aug 13, 202590
Out of curiosity how do you know it's a reliable source?
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gardenhouse
Member
Mar 26, 202652
It's on PPH , they wouldn't list it if it wasn't a reliable source, would they? as they gathered the information and compiled in the book based on people's experience, and they are the only source of Assisted S.
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doomerguy88
Member
Aug 13, 202590
Sorry if you mentioned that it was in the PPH. I know from the 2025 version of the book it talks about places in Peru and such, but I thought even those were drying up and I don't remember if they listed a specific source. Also I guess when you said source I assumed that you meant someone you can order from online. I'm just genuinely curious because I thought it was basically impossible to get at this point.
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gardenhouse
Member
Mar 26, 202652
I just found out, apparently there's a pirate version of PPH, and probably that same scammer uploaded the modified PPH book online to scam people. Oh man I feel so hopeless
- Nembutal Scams
This email address was given out by somebody on the sanctioned-suicide.net website. He scammed me and 1 other person trying to buy Nembutal. He has been banned by the sanctioned-suicide mods already, but I can provide full proof of the email conversation I had with him. He pretends to be D and...
www.nembutalscams.com
Aww.. Quote Reply
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doomerguy88
Member
Aug 13, 202590
Sorry about that. I didn't even know that there was a fake version going around. I just read the one that is pinned at the top of this forum. I have SN but am too scared to actually take it because I know it can still be unpleasant and I worry about surviving and ending up in the hospital or psych ward both of which terrify me and would make my mental situation worse. I don't have a car and don't have much money so I also feel hopeless about methods.I just found out, apparently there's a pirate version of PPH, and probably that same scammer uploaded the modified PPH book online to scam people. Oh man I feel so hopeless
- Nembutal Scams
This email address was given out by somebody on the sanctioned-suicide.net website. He scammed me and 1 other person trying to buy Nembutal. He has been banned by the sanctioned-suicide mods already, but I can provide full proof of the email conversation I had with him. He pretends to be D and...
www.nembutalscams.com
Click to expand...
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gardenhouse
Member
Mar 26, 202652
Yeah, because SN overdose without being accompanied by sedative drug is going to be painful. That's why PPH book says you must take 20 tablets of benzodiazepines so that you are asleep unconscious when SN is failing your organ. Where did you get SN? and why do you feel this life is not worth living anymore?
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doomerguy88
Member
Aug 13, 202590
I have a few reasons as to why I feel like life is not worth living anymore. For the past few years I have felt like I don't get the same enjoyment out of life that I used to and don't remember that last time I truly felt happy or excited about something including the things I normally love like video games or watching my favorite YouTube videos.
On top of that I wasn't very good about keeping up on my oral health or going to the dentist and now it has caught up with me recently. I have already had some work done Including two extractions and now everything in my mouth feel off which is hard for my brain not to focus on most days and I need a lot more work done but so don't know when so can do it due to financial constraints. Because of the of the off feeling im scared to really chew anything and my brain is limited to what I feel safe eating so for the past few months I have basically been eating the same stuff everyday which is basically oatmeal, hummus, and red pepper and tomato soup and sometimes ice cream. I really love hummus but I don't really even enjoy it at the moment and only eat because I don't want to feel bad from not eating. And even when I can have more work done at the dentist I wouldn't be looking forward to it because I have sensory issues with it which is part of the reason I have avoided it for so long
I know there are medications which might help but I was prescribed something for ADHD/depression a couple of years back which I took for a month and a half and had the worst time of my life when going on and coming off of it and now I'm scared of taking another because I have trouble with taking pills due to sensory issues and last time I tried taking it for awhile but just couldn't do it one day and stopped cold turkey which is why so had a bad time when I went off it.
So I guess in a lot of ways I just feel hopeless that things will get better and even if they do it still feels like it will be too long of suffering with my mouth feeling off everyday and me being stuck eating the same stuff everyday for who knows how long and not really having anything I get enjoyment out of that distracts me from those feelings.Lost my job it's impossible to find anything I've applied to 5,000 jobs, only did some basic contracts for the past ten years. I'm 45 and living with my senile mother it's hell.
I'm going to make a longer post on this I think. I'm going to ask for help from this community. Maybe I can get a remote job via someone here.#1 - i hate myself
i could go into depth about this topic but basically it outweighs any interest i have in life as a whole and anything pertaining to "me". its stolen my will to liveMyself. All of the circumstances I face I could probably overcome but I just can't. Something inside me doesn't feel human. I cannot stand being in my skin.
undecidedfool
I'm just here.
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- 35
DeadManLiving
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