Discussion what if... you fail?

[e!kent]

I couldn't find any thread discussing this topic, only stories of people who failed their attempt. I'm not asking about physical changes (ex. brain damage) or the consequences (ex. being sent to a clinic); I'm interested in knowing your thoughts about yourself after the attempt. The date of my CTB is near and I'm completely neglecting my body while destroying my life more and more. The fear of failing brings me to wonder how I would deal with the effects of my actions (this is why I'm planning everything really carefully). I think that this will motivate me even more.

 

[doomer]

I failed on an impulse. Hit by suv instead of semi truck going 60+

 

[madwoman]

When I'm finally ready in all the ways (mentally, affairs in order etc) and if I fail, I feel like I'll be so fucked. So it's scary. Like dealing with the aftermath and then having to continue living somehow. And finding another method or source probably when I'm so set on my method. And I have also been sabotaging my life - not fully but slowly. All my thoughts and actions are focused on CTB. But it's like once I feel ready and get to that point, let me go please. But while I'm preparing, I am also preparing for failure so I wouldn't be completed effed. Like I'm pairing down my belongings to only what's necessary, I am doing things so hopefully no one would know. If I do fail, I am hoping not to have any intervention - like I'd hope that I'd just call off sick from work as I recover - things like that. I had also been slowly isolating from friends and family but not in a sabotaging way, like most people know I'm depressed and if I wanted to get back in their life, I think I'd be let back in. That's if I fail and get some kind of meaning back bc of that which is doubtful. Idk, easies my anxiety to do this all slowly and quietly as I can. But yeah I don't know how I'd deal with my life if I fail and don't get rejuvenated for life. It's all so hard, sending love

 

[srilankanbeyotch]

then Im gonna have to try again unless im vegetable.

 

[Siamese Believe]

Then it is what it is at that point. Nothing you can do assuming you're unable to try again.

All you can do is plan accordingly and do everything in your power to ensure that no one can save you in time.

This is why I'm personally going to barricade my room as much as I possibly can. If I were to do it outside, it would be deep in the woods where animals would find me before any people could.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it such terrible extreme cruelty how access to guaranteed painless death is so cruelly denied, it's horrific to me how humans even have to fear ending up way more tortured in the first place, I always suffer so much from existing in this evil anti-suicide world where suicide is seen as a crime.

The fact that trying to be permanently free from all dreadful unnecessary suffering can lead to way worse torture is so terrifying to me, I'll always see it as an abomination to suffer in this reality where there is no limit as to how much one can be tortured and I suffer so unbearably from how I cannot just choose to be at true permanent peace from this torturous existence I just always saw as a mistake in the first place, all I want is to cease existing peacefully, to suffer in this existence is such a terrible undeserved punishment to me.

 

[catsalvation]

I think if get to that point, I'll be as prepared as possible, which will include a plan B too (a different method). So I don't want to leave the door open for second thoughts or going back. If I'm not 100 % sure/ready I won't even try... But if I do, I plan to eliminate every possibility of interruption, lock the doors, wipe/throw out all of my personal data, memories etc.
But before that... it's also interesting what you write about destroying your life... I'm on the edge of this... Because my plan is to give myself a last chance this year to improve my life, and if I can't, I end it all (exit plan). But thinking about it and planning brings my focus more to the CTB aspect, and the wish to just give up already.