Discussion what do you blame for your choice to CTB

[twilightvader]

BPD, depression, anxiety…

 

[flowersforalgernons]

i made a lot of mistakes. i can't unmake them, and i would like to go out on my own terms... even if i end up in hell.

 

[IwantAexit]

suicide is my answer to my own failures. but when the world in general is the failing one, is it still my fault for not being able to withstand it?

sometimes I can perceive "life" as some sort of an abusive partner, that when you finally decide to leave,
one, the fault isn't with them, but with you for not being strong enough to withstand them. "not being able to deal well with circumstances"
two, the fault isn't with them, but with your own actions that provoked their reactions. "making natural mistakes and facing their consequences"

when do my actions stop being the reason for my suicide, and when do I start blaming natural circumstances?
do I blame life for being bad or do I blame myself for not being strong enough to deal with its bad?
do I blame war or my anxiety? do I blame illness or my faith? do I blame my face or my inability to love it? do I blame my socioeconomic status or my failure in overcoming my upbringing situations?

and is there even a benefit to blaming myself or my life? or should I accept that we both are killing each other? and killing each other is the purpose?

is death a natural response to birth, and an inevitable or more a necessary occurrence in the natural course of all there is?

is bad and good one of the same, and one cannot exist without the other? so fighting the bad is just as irrelevant as chasing the good?

so whether you love or hate life, whether you kill yourself or die naturally, everything will all end and begin the same..
and maybe just maybe our drive to chase the good and fight the bad has no beginning or end, and its how it will always be, no victory or defeat, just as infinite as the universe seems to be.

if any of this makes sense,
if you share similar thoughts or this feels like something to you? what do you think and feel about it?
do you blame life/world or do you blame yourself for your reaction to it, in your choice of suicide?

Well, let me tell you, I think my parents are responsible of my current status, I know after 18 it is all under my control, but 11 years after 18 years, are not enough to fix 18 years of wrong things, after those 11 years you have 29-30 so you are not young anymore, what I am talking about? my parents created me, and they were teaching me, just useless things and Bad habits, why bad habits? like the amount of calories per day, a completely wrong amount of calories per day and due to that my body was doing a unnecesary storage of fat, that is the beggining of everything since I have memory, of course as kid I hated that fat, but since my parents were wrong thinking they were right about my food, then I never got a real way to know how wrong they were, you know as kid you must follow your parents no matter what or they will make you by force, then year after year my body was getting more and more fat of course due to my bad amount of calories per day, then I started my mental health status due to that, feeling sad, not knowing what to do, I tried sports but no matter if I did the same sport as a thin kid, I was fat anyway, of course I was frustrated about that fact and then my mind got worse year after year due to that, then I reached 18 years old, I got my first job, and that money of course was for fixing the mess of my parents, I tried different sports I hired different nutritionists I even tried scams just to make sure of that I tried everything to remove my fat, I don't know if I was so unlucky because all of those nutritionists were just giving me useless tricks, (that is another topic: how you can find a good professional at the first attempt, in order to skip useless lazy professionals?) then since nutrition was not good for my problem, I went harder, this time I tried plastic surgery, but guess what, the field of plastic surgery also has bad professionals and I hired a bad professional, telling me "abdominoplasty is only possible to your abs, your low back is unable to get it" and I trusted that lie no matter if years later I discovered that it was wrong and the name of the right process is torsoplasty, but how I can fix it if I already ruined my body with that scammer self called doctor? I discovered the torsoplasty too late, You hire a doctor to guide You, You never expect the doctor saying lies to You, and then I changed doctor and spent more money trying to fix all that but guess what, times up, you are 29, your skin can't bear more surgeries like that due to your age, and you are not good, then the hope left my life since then, and I don't know if that started something with my brain because my brain got worse when I lost all the hope, anyway just trying to understand, I investigated more about the topic, that is how I discovered the existence of the torsoplasty, and also I discovered how the topic of calories works, I was able to get that knowledge until that late age because no one teached me that never before, and with Google full of lies I had to learn also how to find good information and skip lies from Google, that is when I realized that my parents were wrong giving me that amount of calories per day, how they start having a son without knowing how much food a kid must eat? and they tried to fight me this fact "how you will survive with that short amount of food?" They were saying, but my answer as adult was "this information of calories is based on the Arizona University" then I got a silence from them since I showed how wrong they were during 18 years and my 11 years as young adult weren't enough to fix they mess, now I have the information but it is too late, I feel that I am nothing, my self-confidence is nothing and my brain is worse everyday, is it fair to be a sad man due to my parents making me fat due to their lack of knowledge? yes it is their fault but I am paying the price of this life no matter what, I learned how it works but it is too late to apply my knowledge to fix myself, now about my brain, to be honest, and I am sorry if I am saying the same thing, but why the society thinks that the therapy is the solution always? I already know it is not my fail but knowing that is not sending the nightmare away because the nightmare is still here everyday, I tried the therapy several times and it never fixed anything really, so, I am forced to continue the nightmare? why this selfish society is keeping me here? I had enough nightmare society, just let me leave this world since there is nothing available to fix my life, just let me leave this world in peace, please

 

[Sans]

The list is too damn long, but the general state of the world, the regime I live under, my lack of a right to self determination, my lack of a partner, the bigotry I face on a daily basis, just to name a few.

 

[outrider567]

When my life turned upside down, 4.5 years ago, when my live in girlfriend of 35 years, who loved life so much, suddenly died, and then almost immediately thoughts of CTB entered my brain, and since then those thoughts have never left me

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

My abuse and my gender dysphoria.

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

suicide is my answer to my own failures. but when the world in general is the failing one, is it still my fault for not being able to withstand it?

sometimes I can perceive "life" as some sort of an abusive partner, that when you finally decide to leave,
one, the fault isn't with them, but with you for not being strong enough to withstand them. "not being able to deal well with circumstances"
two, the fault isn't with them, but with your own actions that provoked their reactions. "making natural mistakes and facing their consequences"

when do my actions stop being the reason for my suicide, and when do I start blaming natural circumstances?
do I blame life for being bad or do I blame myself for not being strong enough to deal with its bad?
do I blame war or my anxiety? do I blame illness or my faith? do I blame my face or my inability to love it? do I blame my socioeconomic status or my failure in overcoming my upbringing situations?

and is there even a benefit to blaming myself or my life? or should I accept that we both are killing each other? and killing each other is the purpose?

is death a natural response to birth, and an inevitable or more a necessary occurrence in the natural course of all there is?

is bad and good one of the same, and one cannot exist without the other? so fighting the bad is just as irrelevant as chasing the good?

so whether you love or hate life, whether you kill yourself or die naturally, everything will all end and begin the same..
and maybe just maybe our drive to chase the good and fight the bad has no beginning or end, and its how it will always be, no victory or defeat, just as infinite as the universe seems to be.

if any of this makes sense,
if you share similar thoughts or this feels like something to you? what do you think and feel about it?
do you blame life/world or do you blame yourself for your reaction to it, in your choice of suicide?

Myself

 

[limenlux]

I believe my issues stem from a combination of genetic predispositions toward depression and general neuroticism combined with early childhood abuse, neglect, and parental abandonment. Regardless of none of those things being my fault, it was made very clear to me by everyone around me that they did not care and that it was my responsibility to sort through my own difficulties. Needless to say, I have failed to do so, and thus here I stand (figuratively speaking as I am also now physically disabled).

 

[angel164]

Person who has abused me as a kid leading to problems in holding up intimate relationship with women. For years I've blocked out that memory from my head, but it kept being there, buried. I have told only one person about that, and while back then I felt supported, in the end, I remain alone. I think I will take that knowledge with me to the grave, I don't mean to destroy my family.
Apart from that, myself. I've destroyed every single relationship that mattered to me. I feel like a nasty person. Worst thing is, in situations like that, people will tell you that you just need to reach out - i've reached out, and what? nothing happened. I've received nothing but pats on the back and have been told to just man up, while I just don't care anymore. I have tried changing my life around, and I did many times, just to end up in the same place as before. I've done sports, I've done charity, I've donated my blood and platelets consistently every two weeks for free and nothing has filled that hole. It's like screaming into the void
The only thing ringing in my head is that I can't bear the weight of this crushing loneliness anymore

something traumatic like that for sure grants a life hard to live, i am so sorry. I hope you can find the support you and the peace you want, wherever it is.

I blame my stupid fucking parents for bringing me into this shitty life in the first place

I FEEL YOU

i'm sure i have a bunch of things that have gone undiagnosed, currently going through the process of evaluation. i am currently diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and autism lvl 2 with a language impairment. i have ptsd symptoms and my psychiatrist thinks i have bipolar 2 instead of depression. i kind of blame those things for making me like this. but i blame my mother the most. if she hadn't abused me and raised me properly, i wouldn't be like this. i wouldn't have depression or anxiety or whatever i have that has yet to be diagnosed and my autism could've been managed. it's not like we are poor. we're rich. i'm so privileged, and i grew up getting anything i wanted but i still dropped out of school and i still struggled for all of my life, including now. we can afford all of the treatment options, the assessments, the medication. she just doesn't want to help or understand me. i had to beg her to get me help and she would postpone it years into the future until i finally got diagnosed with one thing and another. now that i'm older i'm supposed to be doing all of this on my own. because of my autism i feel like i can't do anything on my own. i feel younger than i actually am and i know i need more help than i'm getting. i don't really know what's happening and i don't feel like a real adult. i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing with my life because she never raised me. she only fed me and bought things for me. sometimes i feel guilty, why was i born with so much money tied to my family's name yet i'm still like this? i try to do my good deeds in world like volunteering, donating, but it just never feels like enough. i don't even have any energy to volunteer anymore. i feel worthless and i just want help. despite everything, i still have a speck of hope in me to get help and keep on going. i am not hopeless yet, but it's dying out very quickly.

Its so disheartening when the person who is supposed to be your biggest support system, is being the opposite. that's so terrible and I wish that your hope wont fade out too quickly, you deserve all the support and chances that could help, I genuinely wish you the best wherever you find it

I mostly blame my genes, which could be interpreted as blaming myself or as blaming the circumstances. I don't believe there's any actual difference. The distinction between subject and object is useful in logic but it's illusiory when it comes to reality. If anything, I used to blame external circumstance more once, now I just blame my faulty self.


"A differenza delle altre malattie la vita è sempre mortale" (Svevo, La coscienza di Zeno 6). (A bit on the nose here but I like the quote lol)

Good and bad are intrinsically related, but that doesn't mean chasing good and fleeing bad is necessarily futile. And there's not much we can do about it, we always chase our own good. Of course we can also distinguish between a personal and an universal good, but I think the two concepts are ultimately linked. When you die is mostly irrilevant to the grand fate of the universe, and your position within it, but it will obviously be massively different for you and people surrounding you.

Don't think about this too hard though, it's just the impressions of a moron on the Internet lol

I WILL THINK ABOUT IT TOO HARD!! thinking helps us cope with our inherently meaningless existence. which yes I agree with you on the illusory nature of all this! at the end of the day, everything we know, we know because we thought about it and gave it words. everything is linked and connected.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose

ny mental health and other things that happened to me online ( grooming isnt one of them but I could be wrong. ) and also the stigma of mental health and life here. whats the point of being me online if im just gonna have to be a cog in the end.

Sending you lots of love, being online is really more of a curse than blessing sometimes.

I have a medical condition and when i was 4 i had surgery for it and they wanted to do a second one because the first one didnt go well which is common and a month before i had it my parents moved countries and im still waiting for that surgery

And this condition ruined my whole life ive gotten bullied severely for it by tecahers students people fought me i had no friends i had to go into the bathrooms at lunch and break no one took the condition seriously (strabismus) and my parents dont think it affects me too

I dont do any eye contact i dont go out ever and i avoid speaking to people and when i have to i shake SO bad and get really nervous

I am so sorry, that's so terrible. I wish you the best of luck and your condition eases up on you

While my choice to kill myself is solely my own, I cannot help but think about how different my life would have been had my parents actually taken me to therapy when I was 15. I did not do well all throughout my teens and instead of getting me help my parents just told me that "things will get better in college." Except by the time I hit college, I was so mentally screwed up that I have never found a therapist that could actually fix me. They also did a lot of other damage to me as I was growing up.

And maybe, maybe I could have made it through life, despite all of this, except I met my abusive asshole of a partner. He dug his claws in and refused to let me go, and has treated me like shit, the entirety of our relationship. He snuffed out whatever vigor for life I had remaining. I now no longer want to exist thanks to him.

sending lots of hugs I hope you can find the good support you couldn't have back then

I blame myself because I believe my actions belong to me, including the worst ones. Life doesn't owe me happiness, fairness, or comfort. It simply exists. I can't ask the world to carry the responsibility for my choices.

If I fail, then I fail.

But if I really had to blame someone beyond myself, I would blame my dysfunctional family that calls emotional neglect "tough love".

Yeah i get that try to blame them more than yourself, its better for your psyche

I blame the love of my life, selfishly, and my illnesses caused by my stepfather, I would say my stepfather is the root of it all, and he's only abusing my two siblings now, at least if I'm dead I won't be a burden on my family economically anymore

I am so sorry I hope you can find the peace you want

I don't really "blame" anyone because I don't think suicide is inherently evil, thus it's not something you "blame" someone for. It's just a decision one makes when they feel like they are finished living and don't want to keep doing it.

Who do I have to blame for ending my life early but myself? I could blame my parents, and I did that for a long time. But at the end of the day we are all dealt different hands and it's up to us what we do with those hands. Most people have shitty parents.

We could blame the economy, but again, it's up to us to make the economy better. Humanity as a whole makes the decisions that create inflation; no single person or billionaire class dictates the economy; we do by deciding what we put our time and money into, and whether or not we can create sustainable jobs. In fact, I could even see suicide as being a positive action for the economy and for the environment if it leads to relief of resources and higher wages, or more jobs available for the living.

I think it's silly to blame anyone other than ourselves or those who created us (or possibly hurt us while we were young). You could also blame your government, and I suppose I blame the Canadian government a great deal.

Everyone else is technically on the same playing field as you and don't actually have that kind of power over you unless you let them.

yeah i see your points!! very empathatic we are all here in the same human suit and mind, blaming others will be the same as blaming ourselves

society as a whole is perverse, I blame the entire system for my suffering

I feel you sending lot of hugs

Myself. My parents for raising me so poorly. Greed allowing two places I loved working to be sold.
Still, myself at the front. Just an insanely stupid life.

sending lot of hugs

 

[that_miqo'te]

Having the misfortune of being born trans

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

My mom

 

[1000_Years_Old]

suicide is my answer to my own failures. but when the world in general is the failing one, is it still my fault for not being able to withstand it?

sometimes I can perceive "life" as some sort of an abusive partner, that when you finally decide to leave,
one, the fault isn't with them, but with you for not being strong enough to withstand them. "not being able to deal well with circumstances"
two, the fault isn't with them, but with your own actions that provoked their reactions. "making natural mistakes and facing their consequences"

when do my actions stop being the reason for my suicide, and when do I start blaming natural circumstances?
do I blame life for being bad or do I blame myself for not being strong enough to deal with its bad?
do I blame war or my anxiety? do I blame illness or my faith? do I blame my face or my inability to love it? do I blame my socioeconomic status or my failure in overcoming my upbringing situations?

and is there even a benefit to blaming myself or my life? or should I accept that we both are killing each other? and killing each other is the purpose?

is death a natural response to birth, and an inevitable or more a necessary occurrence in the natural course of all there is?

is bad and good one of the same, and one cannot exist without the other? so fighting the bad is just as irrelevant as chasing the good?

so whether you love or hate life, whether you kill yourself or die naturally, everything will all end and begin the same..
and maybe just maybe our drive to chase the good and fight the bad has no beginning or end, and its how it will always be, no victory or defeat, just as infinite as the universe seems to be.

if any of this makes sense,
if you share similar thoughts or this feels like something to you? what do you think and feel about it?
do you blame life/world or do you blame yourself for your reaction to it, in your choice of suicide?

I'm just old and tired and I feel like I've had enough.

 

[Surek]

I feel like an outsider in this world, and I guess that's where my anxiety, depression, and other issues stem from. Maybe I'm neurodivergent, or maybe some weird shit happened to my brain that I don't know about. Hell if I know, honestly...

 

[tiramisu]

you can go ahead and call me selfish, but many people share the blame for my decision to ctb.