h4ppyhypoxia
Experienced
- Aug 8, 2026
- 208
i am pro choice, and i am choosing to end my life when i move out, but i dont think that suicide can ever be peaceful, maybe the "dying experience" in itself can be, but there is absolutely nothing else that is peaceful about suicide, and if you expect it to be that way, youre going to be very disappointed
its the biggest decision you will ever make in your entire life, bigger than choosing who to marry, whether to have kids, whether to take up that job offer, what to study, there is no bigger decision than choosing to end your own life, because it is permanent, there is no going back, and that is why it is appealing to a lot with us, but you will have to sit with the question of whether you want to carry on almost entirely alone, there is nobody to tell, telling people will have you involuntarily committed, so you just sit with it, alone, this fourm is a big comfort with this, but those who matter most to me irl will never hear about my plan, they will only see it when it succeeds
a death by suicide is caused by a certain method, but it is not fueled by one, you only have the desire to seek out "peaceful methods" because you have lived in immense pain, on here we act like this can be a "clean exit", but i dont think that is true, the brain is an organ that can get sick just like your heart or lungs, and while you might have rational reasons to die, you are doing it because something(s) has pushed your brain to desire to do so, before a terminally ill patient dies, they will be in a lot of physical pain, a suicidal person will be in a lot of mental pain, once you have made your plan and are set on it, you have begun the process of dying, you are moving towards death, and it is a painful experience
it makes me think of this modern baseball lyric from the song "cooke" :
'Cause God knows, I'd rather die than be dying!
It's not a cliche, no, sir
It is a logical preference, 'cause the way things were this year
Makes me think how good it all could be
And how well it could end!
you carry worries of "will this work?" "will i be left worse off if this fails?" "will someone find me and interrupt?" "will my survival instincts kick in?" there is no peace in this, you are spending your final days worrying about whether you will be able to have a clean death or not, sure, you are going to permanently end your suffering, but the act of planning a suicide causes suffering, it brings most people some level of psychological pain/stress to plan a suicide, of course this is a wager that you accept if you are going to end your life, but its a painful one
not just that, if you have friends/family, you feel guilty, youve most likely already emotionally checked out of this world, it feels like youre already dead, and your body is waiting to catch up with your mind, but there are still people around you, you have to smile and be kind, because you carry the knowledge that this moment will be one of the last memories that they will ever have with you, you are taking yourself away from someone who loves you, you know its going to be a shock, you know they will blame themselves, and this is such a painful thing to sit with
when you are gone your worries will become a reality, others will replay all of their last moments with you, wondering if there was anything they couldve done to help, and theyd do anything to bring you back, but this is what you wanted, the people around you will be too blinded by pain to acknowledge that you made this choice because you could not carry on anymore, and there was little that couldve changed that
you told yourself that you were seeking peace from existence, but who is this peace for? there is no you to experience it, there is just nothing, it cannot be peaceful if there is no being to perceive that state, other people do perceive it, they react to it, it causes pain for others, but at least in nothingness, there is no possibility of pain for you, because there is no longer a you
this post isnt aimed at influencing anybodys decision, but i genuinely dont think that it is possible to have a peaceful suicide, and i wish it were otherwise, i wish i could just drift away from my consciousness, and have everybodys memory of me erased, or even go back in time to prevent myself from being born, but thats not the reality, i cant do any of those things, the reality is that this is a hard and painful decision no matter how you feel about suicide or no matter how much you hate this world, there is no peace or dignity in it, there is just an absence of pain at the end (depending on method) for you, and safety from future suffering
i dont mean to demonise suicide with this post, i just want to be realistic, you can hold the position that it is your right to choose between life/death, and acknowledge the negatives of suicide at the same time, in fact, you should consider them, try to open your mind as much as possible, because this is the end of ALL future possibilities for you, you have to be willing to let even the chance of a "good" or "tolerable" future go
suicide is the ultimate end, and there are both good and bad parts about that, but there is a lot of pain involved in the process, even if you choose the most peaceful method, you are going to suffer leading up to using that method, and thats not something to take lightly, its not a clean solution to a messy problem, its a messy solution to a messy problem, we have the right to make this decision, but we should not be so black and white about it, we should see it for all that it is
its the biggest decision you will ever make in your entire life, bigger than choosing who to marry, whether to have kids, whether to take up that job offer, what to study, there is no bigger decision than choosing to end your own life, because it is permanent, there is no going back, and that is why it is appealing to a lot with us, but you will have to sit with the question of whether you want to carry on almost entirely alone, there is nobody to tell, telling people will have you involuntarily committed, so you just sit with it, alone, this fourm is a big comfort with this, but those who matter most to me irl will never hear about my plan, they will only see it when it succeeds
a death by suicide is caused by a certain method, but it is not fueled by one, you only have the desire to seek out "peaceful methods" because you have lived in immense pain, on here we act like this can be a "clean exit", but i dont think that is true, the brain is an organ that can get sick just like your heart or lungs, and while you might have rational reasons to die, you are doing it because something(s) has pushed your brain to desire to do so, before a terminally ill patient dies, they will be in a lot of physical pain, a suicidal person will be in a lot of mental pain, once you have made your plan and are set on it, you have begun the process of dying, you are moving towards death, and it is a painful experience
it makes me think of this modern baseball lyric from the song "cooke" :
'Cause God knows, I'd rather die than be dying!
It's not a cliche, no, sir
It is a logical preference, 'cause the way things were this year
Makes me think how good it all could be
And how well it could end!
you carry worries of "will this work?" "will i be left worse off if this fails?" "will someone find me and interrupt?" "will my survival instincts kick in?" there is no peace in this, you are spending your final days worrying about whether you will be able to have a clean death or not, sure, you are going to permanently end your suffering, but the act of planning a suicide causes suffering, it brings most people some level of psychological pain/stress to plan a suicide, of course this is a wager that you accept if you are going to end your life, but its a painful one
not just that, if you have friends/family, you feel guilty, youve most likely already emotionally checked out of this world, it feels like youre already dead, and your body is waiting to catch up with your mind, but there are still people around you, you have to smile and be kind, because you carry the knowledge that this moment will be one of the last memories that they will ever have with you, you are taking yourself away from someone who loves you, you know its going to be a shock, you know they will blame themselves, and this is such a painful thing to sit with
when you are gone your worries will become a reality, others will replay all of their last moments with you, wondering if there was anything they couldve done to help, and theyd do anything to bring you back, but this is what you wanted, the people around you will be too blinded by pain to acknowledge that you made this choice because you could not carry on anymore, and there was little that couldve changed that
you told yourself that you were seeking peace from existence, but who is this peace for? there is no you to experience it, there is just nothing, it cannot be peaceful if there is no being to perceive that state, other people do perceive it, they react to it, it causes pain for others, but at least in nothingness, there is no possibility of pain for you, because there is no longer a you
this post isnt aimed at influencing anybodys decision, but i genuinely dont think that it is possible to have a peaceful suicide, and i wish it were otherwise, i wish i could just drift away from my consciousness, and have everybodys memory of me erased, or even go back in time to prevent myself from being born, but thats not the reality, i cant do any of those things, the reality is that this is a hard and painful decision no matter how you feel about suicide or no matter how much you hate this world, there is no peace or dignity in it, there is just an absence of pain at the end (depending on method) for you, and safety from future suffering
i dont mean to demonise suicide with this post, i just want to be realistic, you can hold the position that it is your right to choose between life/death, and acknowledge the negatives of suicide at the same time, in fact, you should consider them, try to open your mind as much as possible, because this is the end of ALL future possibilities for you, you have to be willing to let even the chance of a "good" or "tolerable" future go
suicide is the ultimate end, and there are both good and bad parts about that, but there is a lot of pain involved in the process, even if you choose the most peaceful method, you are going to suffer leading up to using that method, and thats not something to take lightly, its not a clean solution to a messy problem, its a messy solution to a messy problem, we have the right to make this decision, but we should not be so black and white about it, we should see it for all that it is
