Discussion what do you blame for your choice to CTB

[angel164]

suicide is my answer to my own failures. but when the world in general is the failing one, is it still my fault for not being able to withstand it?

sometimes I can perceive "life" as some sort of an abusive partner, that when you finally decide to leave,
one, the fault isn't with them, but with you for not being strong enough to withstand them. "not being able to deal well with circumstances"
two, the fault isn't with them, but with your own actions that provoked their reactions. "making natural mistakes and facing their consequences"

when do my actions stop being the reason for my suicide, and when do I start blaming natural circumstances?
do I blame life for being bad or do I blame myself for not being strong enough to deal with its bad?
do I blame war or my anxiety? do I blame illness or my faith? do I blame my face or my inability to love it? do I blame my socioeconomic status or my failure in overcoming my upbringing situations?

and is there even a benefit to blaming myself or my life? or should I accept that we both are killing each other? and killing each other is the purpose?

is death a natural response to birth, and an inevitable or more a necessary occurrence in the natural course of all there is?

is bad and good one of the same, and one cannot exist without the other? so fighting the bad is just as irrelevant as chasing the good?

so whether you love or hate life, whether you kill yourself or die naturally, everything will all end and begin the same..
and maybe just maybe our drive to chase the good and fight the bad has no beginning or end, and its how it will always be, no victory or defeat, just as infinite as the universe seems to be.

if any of this makes sense,
if you share similar thoughts or this feels like something to you? what do you think and feel about it?
do you blame life/world or do you blame yourself for your reaction to it, in your choice of suicide?

 

[MakinItHappen111]

cost of living rising, corruption in government, being gay, depression and anxiety since childhood,having bad social skills no matter how much i try to improve them, being unintelligent and being ugly at 5'8.

 

[angel164]

cost of living rising, corruption in government, being gay, depression and anxiety since childhood,having bad social skills no matter how much i try to improve them, being unintelligent and being ugly at 5'8.

I am sorry sending love to you, life is cruel despite what we do about it.

 

[Set Real Goul]

i have severe sleep problems, borderline personality disorder, and depression. I honestly think I could have turned my life around if I weren't stuck sleeping only three hours a night. it's the reason I keep losing my jobs

 

[hdead]

Childhood trauma, lack of being seen and supported, a dysfunctional brain (at least, for operating correctly within this society).

 

[never mind me]

Being stupid and taking bad decisons which ruined my health. Of course a bit of bad luck is also involved as there are others who are even more careless with their health and don't have the health problems I have.

 

[angel164]

i have severe sleep problems, borderline personality disorder, and depression. I honestly think I could have turned my life around if I weren't stuck sleeping only three hours a night. it's the reason I keep losing my jobs

sleep deprivation is so terrible I am so sorry for everything you're going through.

Childhood trauma, lack of being seen and supported, a dysfunctional brain (at least, for operating correctly within this society).

I am so sorry, a traumatic upbringing definitely does so much harm, so hard to deal with.

Being stupid and taking bad decisons which ruined my health. Of course a bit of bad luck is also involved as there are others who are even more careless with their health and don't have the health problems I have.

health problems are so terrible to deal with, whether you had some hand in it or not. we all deserve livable health. its like we get punished for our inner struggles with outer struggles. i am so sorry

 

[hdead]

I am so sorry, a traumatic upbringing definitely does so much harm, so hard to deal with.

Thank you. I am now even being shamed by my family for being suicidal. Amazing outcome. At least it helps me with making my decision. It seems that people who are able to deal with/cope with childhood trauma turn it around on others or find a super-duper way of repression. I just can't, not anymore. I was abusive because if it before, I couldn't deal with the guilt and the fallout.

 

[angel164]

Thank you. I am now even being shamed by my family for being suicidal. Amazing outcome. At least it helps me with making my decision. It seems that people who are able to deal with/cope with childhood trauma turn it around on others or find a super-duper way of repression. I just can't, not anymore. I was abusive because if it before, I couldn't deal with the guilt and the fallout.

That is so cruel of them!!!
that's what irks about this whole life thing, we don't get to choose our upbringing, when we get born!
we are forced to live through trauma, forced to be influenced by it for the rest of our lives! its inevitable what our lives will be, if you think of it that way.
sure we later choose how we deal with it, but our ability to choose is not available to us like someone with a better childhood would have.
trauma rewires the brain and the entire body, so it stops becoming "your choice" at some point.
best of luck to you really

 

[hdead]

That is so cruel of them!!!

It's kinda maddening. I've been told all my life I was the problem, I had to change. I worked on myself so much. Tried to nuance my speech, take responsability. To no avail. I was still the problem. The odd one out, the black sheep.

that's what irks about this whole life thing, we don't get to choose our upbringing, when we get born!
we are forced to live through trauma, forced to be influenced by it for the rest of our lives! its inevitable what our lives will be, if you think of it that way.

Yeah, I think so too. It's a mix between doing your best to try and fighting your biology. What sealed the deal for me was a psych that told me 'Yeah, you have some serious trauma, try meds and good luck. This will never change'. I was 34 when I heard that, was trying therapy for 7 years by then.

sure we later choose how we deal with it, but our ability to choose is not available to us like someone with a better childhood would have.
trauma rewires the brain and the entire body, so it stops becoming "your choice" at some point.

It's still a choice. One made between continuing knowing that it's not going to change, or exitting 'prematurely'. I do believe in destiny, suicide included.

best of luck to you really

Thank you so much, dear. To you too. I wish it was different, but it's not.

 

[Mr.Ruben]

loved your argument angel, we are so confused by how we are treated and reached that we cannot even understand who's fault it is.
I think I blame myself, only because I have a minor chronic disease and trauma, I feel like humans are so powerful sometimes,

I spoke to someone that seemed to have the most trauma I have physically talked to, being thrown by their own fathers in a fight cage to the death against their own family members and kids, at 12 to 15, sleeping in a hole with nothing with no lights, being beat up, and their parents seen as angels by others because of how much money get got by illegal fighting, stealing at 17 to feed 2 brothers and a sister, being arrested for 4 years, and then not be able to have normals jobs with a criminal record, only for stealing food and lost wallets, all this in the same region of my country, where I had a "normal" childhood compared to him. now this person is around their 40-50's, and they're ofc with a lot of unsolved trauma, but they found love, managed to smile and live.

seeing how they came with such a resilient mind, I feel disgusted by thinking I could die, as if I was lazy, too lazy to care, and I genuinely have friends, and a roof under my head, what am I begging for death? "If I should thrown my life, then be a volunteer to save dozens of millions of children that are begging to live without water", is what I think in my head

 

[angel164]

It's kinda maddening. I've been told all my life I was the problem, I had to change. I worked on myself so much. Tried to nuance my speech, take responsability. To no avail. I was still the problem. The odd one out, the black sheep.

Yeah, I think so too. It's a mix between doing your best to try and fighting your biology. What sealed the deal for me was a psych that told me 'Yeah, you have some serious trauma, try meds and good luck. This will never change'. I was 34 when I heard that, was trying therapy for 7 years by then.

It's still a choice. One made between continuing knowing that it's not going to change, or exitting 'prematurely'. I do believe in destiny, suicide included.

Thank you so much, dear. To you too. I wish it was different, but it's not.

Being told that it will never change is a wild thing to say from a psych doctor my god!! I am so sorry. you are really trying your best, I hope your destiny brings you the peace you need and want. best of luck to you!

loved your argument angel, we are so confused by how we are treated and reached that we cannot even understand who's fault it is.
I think I blame myself, only because I have a minor chronic disease and trauma, I feel like humans are so powerful sometimes,

I spoke to someone that seemed to have the most trauma I have physically talked to, being thrown by their own fathers in a fight cage to the death against their own family members and kids, at 12 to 15, sleeping in a hole with nothing with no lights, being beat up, and their parents seen as angels by others because of how much money get got by illegal fighting, stealing at 17 to feed 2 brothers and a sister, being arrested for 4 years, and then not be able to have normals jobs with a criminal record, only for stealing food and lost wallets, all this in the same region of my country, where I had a "normal" childhood compared to him. now this person is around their 40-50's, and they're ofc with a lot of unsolved trauma, but they found love, managed to smile and live.

seeing how they came with such a resilient mind, I feel disgusted by thinking I could die, as if I was lazy, too lazy to care, and I genuinely have friends, and a roof under my head, what am I begging for death? "If I should thrown my life, then be a volunteer to save dozens of millions of children that are begging to live without water", is what I think in my head

oh my god!! that is so terrible and crazy, what that person went through! it truly amazes me what humans can do with what they are given!!

and I feel you so much, hearing and seeing stories like that for sure makes us feel invalid for our choices.
but I promise not all of us can withstand such things, some people are just born or built differently like they say.
and you have done your best with what you have.
their circumstances are very terrible but I guess they are born with the ability to withstand these things all along.
also I personally believe that finding genuine love can give someone the extra push to stay longer, its truly fascinating what love can do sometimes, the right kind of love you know.
best of luck to you!! I am so sorry for what you're going through and your pain means just as much, as everyone who seems to you like they "have it worse" .

 

[PugnaEnjoyer2137]

Person who has abused me as a kid leading to problems in holding up intimate relationship with women. For years I've blocked out that memory from my head, but it kept being there, buried. I have told only one person about that, and while back then I felt supported, in the end, I remain alone. I think I will take that knowledge with me to the grave, I don't mean to destroy my family.
Apart from that, myself. I've destroyed every single relationship that mattered to me. I feel like a nasty person. Worst thing is, in situations like that, people will tell you that you just need to reach out - i've reached out, and what? nothing happened. I've received nothing but pats on the back and have been told to just man up, while I just don't care anymore. I have tried changing my life around, and I did many times, just to end up in the same place as before. I've done sports, I've done charity, I've donated my blood and platelets consistently every two weeks for free and nothing has filled that hole. It's like screaming into the void
The only thing ringing in my head is that I can't bear the weight of this crushing loneliness anymore

 

[Passenger4224]

I blame my stupid fucking parents for bringing me into this shitty life in the first place

 

[kanamycinklavsta]

i'm sure i have a bunch of things that have gone undiagnosed, currently going through the process of evaluation. i am currently diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and autism lvl 2 with a language impairment. i have ptsd symptoms and my psychiatrist thinks i have bipolar 2 instead of depression. i kind of blame those things for making me like this. but i blame my mother the most. if she hadn't abused me and raised me properly, i wouldn't be like this. i wouldn't have depression or anxiety or whatever i have that has yet to be diagnosed and my autism could've been managed. it's not like we are poor. we're rich. i'm so privileged, and i grew up getting anything i wanted but i still dropped out of school and i still struggled for all of my life, including now. we can afford all of the treatment options, the assessments, the medication. she just doesn't want to help or understand me. i had to beg her to get me help and she would postpone it years into the future until i finally got diagnosed with one thing and another. now that i'm older i'm supposed to be doing all of this on my own. because of my autism i feel like i can't do anything on my own. i feel younger than i actually am and i know i need more help than i'm getting. i don't really know what's happening and i don't feel like a real adult. i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing with my life because she never raised me. she only fed me and bought things for me. sometimes i feel guilty, why was i born with so much money tied to my family's name yet i'm still like this? i try to do my good deeds in world like volunteering, donating, but it just never feels like enough. i don't even have any energy to volunteer anymore. i feel worthless and i just want help. despite everything, i still have a speck of hope in me to get help and keep on going. i am not hopeless yet, but it's dying out very quickly.

 

[Mr.Ruben]

best of luck to you!! I am so sorry for what you're going through and your pain means just as much, as everyone who seems to you like they "have it worse" .

thank you :)
and it's true that depending on how you grew up you will act differently, someone who is used to fighting will act differently mentally than someone who won't be able to react behaving no experience.
I just think that if now or in the past I gain this might and confidence, that CTB would be meaningless to me, I think "is it because I had no serious difficulties in my life?" a lot of people who have survived in dangerous events or actions have changed the way they think and care.

 

[Canto XIII]

suicide is my answer to my own failures. but when the world in general is the failing one, is it still my fault for not being able to withstand it?

sometimes I can perceive "life" as some sort of an abusive partner, that when you finally decide to leave,
one, the fault isn't with them, but with you for not being strong enough to withstand them. "not being able to deal well with circumstances"
two, the fault isn't with them, but with your own actions that provoked their reactions. "making natural mistakes and facing their consequences"

when do my actions stop being the reason for my suicide, and when do I start blaming natural circumstances?
do I blame life for being bad or do I blame myself for not being strong enough to deal with its bad?
do I blame war or my anxiety? do I blame illness or my faith? do I blame my face or my inability to love it? do I blame my socioeconomic status or my failure in overcoming my upbringing situations?

and is there even a benefit to blaming myself or my life? or should I accept that we both are killing each other? and killing each other is the purpose?

I mostly blame my genes, which could be interpreted as blaming myself or as blaming the circumstances. I don't believe there's any actual difference. The distinction between subject and object is useful in logic but it's illusiory when it comes to reality. If anything, I used to blame external circumstance more once, now I just blame my faulty self.

is death a natural response to birth, and an inevitable or more a necessary occurrence in the natural course of all there is?

"A differenza delle altre malattie la vita è sempre mortale" (Svevo, La coscienza di Zeno 6). (A bit on the nose here but I like the quote lol)

is bad and good one of the same, and one cannot exist without the other? so fighting the bad is just as irrelevant as chasing the good?

so whether you love or hate life, whether you kill yourself or die naturally, everything will all end and begin the same..
and maybe just maybe our drive to chase the good and fight the bad has no beginning or end, and its how it will always be, no victory or defeat, just as infinite as the universe seems to be.

Good and bad are intrinsically related, but that doesn't mean chasing good and fleeing bad is necessarily futile. And there's not much we can do about it, we always chase our own good. Of course we can also distinguish between a personal and an universal good, but I think the two concepts are ultimately linked. When you die is mostly irrilevant to the grand fate of the universe, and your position within it, but it will obviously be massively different for you and people surrounding you.

Don't think about this too hard though, it's just the impressions of a moron on the Internet lol

 

[smirks00ts]

ny mental health and other things that happened to me online ( grooming isnt one of them but I could be wrong. ) and also the stigma of mental health and life here. whats the point of being me online if im just gonna have to be a cog in the end.

 

[Die.A.Ria]

I have a medical condition and when i was 4 i had surgery for it and they wanted to do a second one because the first one didnt go well which is common and a month before i had it my parents moved countries and im still waiting for that surgery

And this condition ruined my whole life ive gotten bullied severely for it by tecahers students people fought me i had no friends i had to go into the bathrooms at lunch and break no one took the condition seriously (strabismus) and my parents dont think it affects me too

I dont do any eye contact i dont go out ever and i avoid speaking to people and when i have to i shake SO bad and get really nervous

 

[Forveleth]

While my choice to kill myself is solely my own, I cannot help but think about how different my life would have been had my parents actually taken me to therapy when I was 15. I did not do well all throughout my teens and instead of getting me help my parents just told me that "things will get better in college." Except by the time I hit college, I was so mentally screwed up that I have never found a therapist that could actually fix me. They also did a lot of other damage to me as I was growing up.

And maybe, maybe I could have made it through life, despite all of this, except I met my abusive asshole of a partner. He dug his claws in and refused to let me go, and has treated me like shit, the entirety of our relationship. He snuffed out whatever vigor for life I had remaining. I now no longer want to exist thanks to him.

 

[Canto XIII]

I cannot help but think about how different my life would have been had my parents actually taken me to therapy when I was 15. I did not do well all throughout my teens and instead of getting me help my parents just told me that "things will get better in college." Except by the time I hit college, I was so mentally screwed up that I have never found a therapist that could actually fix me.

I don't want to imply it would've been the same for you, but my parents sent me to therapy when I was 15-16, and after 10 years or so of it, here I am. You shouldn't give up though, the help you need maybe is out there.

 

[sotomie]

I blame myself because I believe my actions belong to me, including the worst ones. Life doesn't owe me happiness, fairness, or comfort. It simply exists. I can't ask the world to carry the responsibility for my choices.

If I fail, then I fail.

But if I really had to blame someone beyond myself, I would blame my dysfunctional family that calls emotional neglect "tough love".

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I blame the love of my life, selfishly, and my illnesses caused by my stepfather, I would say my stepfather is the root of it all, and he's only abusing my two siblings now, at least if I'm dead I won't be a burden on my family economically anymore

 

[telekon]

I don't really "blame" anyone because I don't think suicide is inherently evil, thus it's not something you "blame" someone for. It's just a decision one makes when they feel like they are finished living and don't want to keep doing it.

Who do I have to blame for ending my life early but myself? I could blame my parents, and I did that for a long time. But at the end of the day we are all dealt different hands and it's up to us what we do with those hands. Most people have shitty parents.

We could blame the economy, but again, it's up to us to make the economy better. Humanity as a whole makes the decisions that create inflation; no single person or billionaire class dictates the economy; we do by deciding what we put our time and money into, and whether or not we can create sustainable jobs. In fact, I could even see suicide as being a positive action for the economy and for the environment if it leads to relief of resources and higher wages, or more jobs available for the living.

I think it's silly to blame anyone other than ourselves or those who created us (or possibly hurt us while we were young). You could also blame your government, and I suppose I blame the Canadian government a great deal.

Everyone else is technically on the same playing field as you and don't actually have that kind of power over you unless you let them.

 

[darksouls]

society as a whole is perverse, I blame the entire system for my suffering

 

[FuneralCry]

For me ceasing to exist will always be the positive solution to be permanently at peace from this existence so torturous and dreadful that I just always saw as the most terrible mistake that just causes all this harm and suffering all for the sake of it and my wish to cease existing is a result of being burdened with this existence.

Simply just existing is enough to make me wish for the true permanent peace of non-existence and all that existence ever does is just torture existing beings, I'll just always find it so torturous to exist, all I want is for this existence to be all gone and erased for me. I just hope for no more suffering but of course this existence never should had been imposed, it's just so horrible how a human can suffer for so long in this torturous existence just to face the terrible agony of old age.

 

[itsgone2]

Myself. My parents for raising me so poorly. Greed allowing two places I loved working to be sold.
Still, myself at the front. Just an insanely stupid life.

 

[Kabalite]

Myself and all the terrible choices I made to lead my life to where it is now.

 

[insomnia2727]

My mother for having kids despite not wanting them and abusing them. My father for not stopping her. Myself for failing at earlier attempts and making friends knowing they'd leave when I became too much, like they always do and thinking they'd stay when they never do.

 

[deadanddecomposing]

Myself, mostly, but also everyone involved in raising me and bringing me into this world. I was daydreaming about suicide ever since I was little and no one ever cared, so I'm still a little salty about that. My stupidity, too, since I constantly make bad choices without realizing their bad, missing red flags everyone else sees. Also, my selfishness, since I complain non-stop and drag everyone else down with me.