What hard truths have you not been able to accept?

[LevUwU]

The fact my life was ruined from the start and I had no chance due to birth defects / mental illnesses out of my control

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

For me it is how much one's lot in life is based off sheer luck, genetics, and the actions of other people that you have no control over.

Imagine being born in a farming village before the advent of modern medicine, and frequently came into contact with bacteria from livestock or the environment. Solely because humanity lacked the knowledge of pathogens and antibiotics that we have now, there was a high chance you'd suffer horribly and die at an early age from an infection that would be entirely preventable or treatable if you'd simply been born a few decades later.

This is the most frustrating thing about life for me, especially after getting tastes of academia and the research world. Other people get to decide what is important to study and what isn't, and due to regulations progress is far slower in many aspects of medicine now compared to how it used to be, when people were desperate enough for relief and there were no laws governing liability, it was much easier to greenlight experimental treatments with low or minimal risks.

There are many people suffering right now from things that could potentially be ameliorated if the world simply cared more and others decided to invest their resources into researching it. Applying for research funding is extremely competitive and priority is given to study things like cancer that are more common in the population. Many people suffer from things that could be prevented or managed in the future simply because no one gives enough of a fuck to advocate for them or take the issues seriously.

It is completely by chance that each and every one of us is alive and exists in this moment. Our place of birth, the family we are born into, spontaneous mutations in DNA or regulatory elements of the genome that can occur during development, etc are all random forces of nature and entropy. The fact that we have very little control of our biology is something that I loathe. If I had been born later in the future once we had more technological and scientific advancements there would likely be a cure for my chronic illness, but because of the specific set of circumstances I was born into, I have no choice but to suffer.

The lack of control and autonomy is terrifying and stifling.

 

[sserafim]

I constantly go back and forth between being a type 4 or 5 haha, so I'm either a 5w4 or 4w5.

I definitely relate to what you said about "withdrawing and observing" rather than participating. It's very hard for me to lose myself in the moment and so even "positive" experiences tend to become muted and I don't seem to get much out of them. For example, pro-lifers have often told me that I just need to travel and see the world in order to not be depressed, and even though that's a load of BS, I finally tried it out last year. The result was that I just felt the same as I did here except without my typical comforts, like my coffee and computer and bed. It's as you said earlier: "having to live to avoid negatives rather than gaining a true positive."

Oh nice. Do you know your tritype? Sadly, you have to pay for the tritype test now. I was reading the tritype descriptions from the website, and I'm pretty sure that I'm a 539. I got it as a result before, and it sounds like me. I like to challenge the status quo, so that's why I thought I could actually be a 538, but the description doesn't match as much as 539 does.

Tritype® 359, 395, 539, 593, 935, 953-The Thinker
If you are a 359, you are ambitious, knowledgeable, and accepting. You want to be efficient, wise, and peaceful. Intellectual and clever, you find amenable and pleasant ways to manage difficult situations and relationships. Often shy, you are very private and are slow to trust others. You need time to more fully reveal yourself. You are ambitious but seek admiration in a subtle manner.

I also struggle to live in the moment. I never feel fully present.

It's as you said earlier: "having to live to avoid negatives rather than gaining a true positive."

Actually someone else said that lol, I just restated it

 

[brokeandbroken]

For me:
1) I was most likely never going to be able to heal and live the life I wanted. Some traumas are too devastating and can't be undone.

2) I was never going to get from other people the one thing I wanted because that one thing could only have come from the parent who harmed me: unconditional acceptance and love.

3) Quitting isn't cowardice if you tried your best to overcome and failed in the process. Continuing to hold on can cause more pain than letting go.

4) Grasping at the good from the past as a means to comfort you in the present is a kind of torture that makes the present harder to live in. Time goes in one direction. You either find a way to create new good times continuously or you'll have none.

1) I will never get justice or restitution for the crimes committed against me in medical school... The help I am need of won't be given to me.
2) My family will never fight for me. If as a result of my debt from medical school which I cannot put use renders me chronically homeless they won't give the smallest of fucks. It's been 1 year of being homeless and nothing.
3) Me being suicidal doesn't affect them. Whether I live or die makes no difference to the majority of my family if not all.
4) I will likely never marry as I am not good enough. My person doesn't exist.
5) My future is bleak with a lot of pain.

 

[Untimely]

That despite being brought up to believe I was intelligent, capable, talented, whatever, I'm just average. Good at lots of stuff but not great at anything. And I'd be happy with that except shutting other than excellent still feels like an outright failure, even after all these years. So whatever I do, from hobbies to work to personal life to looking after myself and my house, I never see the success, only that it could (and therefore should) be so much better. I'm not comparing myself to anyone else, but rather the ghost of the person I failed to become.

I resonate with this so so much.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Oh nice. Do you know your tritype? Sadly, you have to pay for the tritype test now. I was reading the tritype descriptions from the website, and I'm pretty sure that I'm a 539. I got it as a result before, and it sounds like me. I like to challenge the status quo, so that's why I thought I could actually be a 538, but the description doesn't match as much as 539 does.

Tritype® 359, 395, 539, 593, 935, 953-The Thinker
If you are a 359, you are ambitious, knowledgeable, and accepting. You want to be efficient, wise, and peaceful. Intellectual and clever, you find amenable and pleasant ways to manage difficult situations and relationships. Often shy, you are very private and are slow to trust others. You need time to more fully reveal yourself. You are ambitious but seek admiration in a subtle manner.

I also struggle to live in the moment. I never feel fully present.

I think I'm 541 or 549, but the descriptions on the Tritype site don't seem to be very accurate.

I found a test here, which also gives me 541. Checks out according to the descriptions on that same site:

Behavioral Center

• Type 8: Behavioral Assertiveness - pushes through obstacles to get what's wanted.
• Type 9: Behavioral Accommodation - yields to or joins in with the flow of movement.
• Type 1: Behavioral Correctness - discerns right from wrong and acts accordingly.

Emotional Center

• Type 2: Emotional Connection - connects to others through emotional empathy.
• Type 3: Emotional Ambition - finds validation through achievement and recognition.
• Type 4: Emotional Authenticity - expresses what feels true and real for oneself.

Mental Center

• Type 5: Mental Observation - observes the world by pulling back from it and watching.
• Type 6: Mental Questioning - probes to alleviate doubts and find what can be trusted.
• Type 7: Mental Possibility - avoids limitations while exploring interesting possibilities.

 

[sserafim]

I think I'm 541 or 549, but the descriptions on the Tritype site don't seem to be very accurate.

I found a test here, which also gives me 541. Checks out according to the descriptions on that same site:

I got

Based on your responses, your likely Enneagram tri-center is: 5-3-9
and your likely Enneagram tri-center with wings is: 5w4-3w4-9w8

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

1. I will never be loved by my parents, they have many kids and im the black sheep in the family. My mother doesnt believe me about my SA and doesnt even care, in the matter of fact blamed me for it. Im constantly blamed and treated as source of all of their problems.

2. Ill never find someone that will love me, im deemed as toxic and i dont have much of a personality to like, i keep copying the other persons personality for them to like me but its temporary. Too mentally scarred for anyone to deal with while they have normal people as an option. Ive been told countless of times that i should just ctb by the people i loved, told that im unloveable.

3. Ill never get better mentally. Antidepressants, or any medicine for that matter, doesnt work on me and i keep feeling like shit even if i take it consistently. Therapy is pointless and im too stupid and lazy to make any changes to improve my life. Nothing gives me joy anymore and i dont care about anything anymore, besides my cat ofc. I will always feel this way and its draining me.

4. My best will never be enough.

5. Im a failure in every aspect of life.

6. Ctb is not as easy as i hoped it to be.

Oh so much of this.

All would add is the people who I loved didn't use me, and I'm convinced my most recent relationship during the pandemic only happened because my ex wanted to get laid. He never loved me.

For me, knowing thinking about CTB my whole life and my increasing health and financial problems as I'm older has me convinced this was my path all along and I was distracted, and to not be distracted any more. As you say, my best will never be enough - I see that with the job market.

I just hope to find a method that works and ONE person who will also go out the same way with me so we have a peaceful companion.

 

[february in alaska]

I'm not special, I will never be anyone's first choice, the only thing I have to blame for my problems is myself, and my fantasies of life suddenly getting better are never going to happen.

I think the biggest one is realizing that no one is going to "save" me now. I'm an adult, I'm responsible for my own shit. If I don't have the motivation to get better, no one can make me, and I never will

 

[LittleCupcake]

That theres nothing that will make trauma easier to live with and I'll be haunted by the past for as long as I live

 

[Fire&Ash]

I'm not special, I will never be anyone's first choice, the only thing I have to blame for my problems is myself, and my fantasies of life suddenly getting better are never going to happen.

I think the biggest one is realizing that no one is going to "save" me now. I'm an adult, I'm responsible for my own shit. If I don't have the motivation to get better, no one can make me, and I never will

I absolutely understand this. I see all of the things I need to do to improve myself and it feel like a mountain. I'm an adult and I am responsible for myself and I have no idea how to fix it

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Karma isn't real. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people.

 

[BlendedHeart]

Your idea of friendship and love is wrong, and far from reality.

 

[Kit1]

That I was born and kept alive ro be abused and raped. In the end, no one (NOT A SINGLE SOUL) cared.

 

[Ulrich]

There is no escaping modernity. In order to thrive in this culture, you must surgically extract all remnants of spiritual atavism. You are nothing but your production value. Self-worth is illusory. One can only affirm their own individuality by producing real-world outcomes; without this, you are less than human. I realised this far too late.

 

[terra.nuvo]

Sometimes people who say they love you and will be there for you still end up leaving you in the end

Other people's lives still go on even when it feels like yours has stopped

In order to survive, you need a job even if its something that you don't want to do

There is no guarantee that I'll ever find love

There is no guarantee that I'll have a life that I feel like is worth living

 

[sserafim]

In order to survive, you need a job even if its something that you don't want to do

I hate this

 

[Aloneandinpain]

That I will never experience romantic love and will die alone

 

[Trakehner]

i can't alter the past no matter how much i wish to

people will hate me automatically because of things I can't control

life has no meaning and i will likely die sad and alone

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

My son's behavioural problems

That the man I love doesn't love me back

My responsibilities as a parent

That my best years are over

My post childbirth/breastfeeding body

 

[trashprincess]

That nothing went right for me...

That I'm not going to get any of the things I wanted out of life...

That this is probably how it ends...

 

[doggiesarecute]

My son's behavioural problems

That the man I love doesn't love me back

My responsibilities as a parent

That my best years are over

My post childbirth/breastfeeding body

Not to be that guy, but i won't feel sorry for someone who brought a new life into this miserable world

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Not to be that guy, but i won't feel sorry for someone who brought a new life into this miserable world

That's okay because I wasn't wanting pity

 

[clown_17]

-That I will never recover mentally
-That continuing to live will only lead to more suffering
-That to live is to suffer
-That no one cares about me

 

[NeedAnEscape]

1.) The world is filled with people who actively want me to suffer and are actively pleased when I fail.

2.) I may consider someone my best friend, but they may view our relationship as far lesser than that. My appreciation and love for others won't always be matched.

3.) The world never stops moving. No matter what struggles I endure, others expect me to be fully functional 100% of the time.

4.) Nothing in life is guaranteed.

 

[DazaiKinnie]

1. Hope is like a drug and it's useless to have hope.
2. Doing your best isn't enough, there will always be other circumstances in your way.
3. Quitting is valid, you are not forced to do anything and you do not owe anything to anyone.

 

[hi1738]

I've struggled a lot with the fact that, when I CTB my cat's life will be changed entirely. It sounds stupid I know but it really is something that upsets me, she can't understand why I'm leaving her because she's just a cat. On the other hand I guess I can't know if she will really care that I'm gone, I could just be the person who feeds her in her eyes, but in mine shes my best friend and I like to think she cares about me.

 

[tronix]

It seems I'm unlovable. That's my hard truth.

 

[AkitoSad]

I'm never going to be able to truly want to live. The only girl I cared for, is not in this world anymore. I won't feel the same feeling of being wanted or love in my life anymore. My college journey is already fucked, so I'll end up behind a McDonald's cash register with a minimum wage job.

 

[kilowatt]

Passing of time, pets dying before me, the fact that no one really cares about me