What broke you?

[lonelyraven]

What broke you to the point of suicide and joining SS?

For me, my daughter died in a horrible accident. My partner committed suicide two weeks later. That was almost 5 years ago and I'm still stuck in the same place I was after they died. I've been extremely suicidal since and I just can't take this for much longer but I don't want to go in a violent way. I want to pretty much just go to sleep and never wake up. So here I am.

What about you guys?

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I just wish to die as I see existence as completely undesirable in every way possible, existence itself is the problem rather than there being something that "broke" me. I have no interest in suffering in this cruel, meaningless and futile existence where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel.

For me only permanently ceasing to exist is desirable, only death can bring me peace from the torturous and pointless burden of existing as a human. I find it such a horrific tragedy how life even exists at all, I'd prefer to not exist under all circumstances as existing is nothing but suffering yet nobody can be harmed by the absence of everything.

 

[RedHates]

when i was 11, i lost someone very close to me and i never recovered. last year, i had to live with my half brother and he did some really awful things to me. i was depressed before, but him constantly assaulting me made me suicidal.

 

[R_N]

"Therapy". But I was suicidal before that too. I just had a lot of unfortunate events in life that made me unable to fit in well and I was dissapointed in humanity as a whole, starting from myself. I also think my experiences alienated me further from society.

But I am not sure if that was all, I also noticed how different I felt compared to others from early age and often I forced myself to be a chameleon.

Thing that hurt most was how unempathetic everyone is and how every bond seemed superficial.

 

[Unknown21]

What broke you to the point of suicide and joining SS?

For me, my daughter died in a horrible accident. My partner committed suicide two weeks later. That was almost 5 years ago and I'm still stuck in the same place I was after they died. I've been extremely suicidal since and I just can't take this for much longer but I don't want to go in a violent way. I want to pretty much just go to sleep and never wake up. So here I am.

What about you guys?

One word, "poverty".

 

[ctbcat]

I was always broken. I joined SS due to an ED relapse (i'm no longer in that, but the suicidal ideation stuck lol) but... specifically my downward spiral was from a breakup - it was the catalyst, that's where it all started to fall over for me. it wasn't long or meaningful or anything... somehow, it just... a messy clump of circumstances lead to a somewhat stable-looking life becoming one that was visibly troubling for both myself and everyone around me

 

[Hollowman]

Accutane

 

[strangelife]

I was healthy 3 months ago, then got bad illness and I am here, found my method, bought SN, and looking for exit. I love life but not in this body this time

 

[qu13t5l33p]

I was bullied excessively when I was 12/13. I was then regularly SA'd by a older man when I was 14/15. I learned slowly over those years that the less I talk, be around other people, do anything, the less painful life is. At 16 I finally realized that you can't be in pain if you're dead, and that death for me is better than living. It's been 10 years and I still feel the same way.

 

[notforl0ng]

My mom committed suicide when I was 17. That was 7 years ago and I'm still 17 and living in the same month it happened, every single day.

 

[TheSpookyNameGuy]

2 suicide attempts at 8.

Emotional neglect forever, parents showed kindness in physical items only, never helped me and actively got in the way of my self help.

14 animals bonded and sold on later by parents who got angry at them, apparently you have to train dogs, wow who'd have thought..

All friends betrayed me out of nowhere, not all at once but took advantage of my kindness and help.

Screw humanity, ive a certain enjoyment when i see kids gun down their parents. It brings joy to my heart, it really does.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

High School

 

[R_N]

Accutane

I am really sorry. At one point when I was going through puberty I nearly took it but ultimately decided against it after reading horror stories. My acne went away on it's own after what it seemed like eternity.

Too bad psychiatry ruined my health years later. It is hard to resist these so called "magic pills" for everything.

 

[Final_Choice]

Trauma from when I was 5 started it, but that and medical conditions made it worse and also raised new problems through out my life slowly over time until I realized that it would be torture to continue to endure it all.

 

[Malaria]

I have various mental/neurological disorders (autism, BPD, PTSD, possibly also PMDD and OCD), and trauma from experiencing abuse (physical, verbal, and sexual), neglect, and bullying.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I don't think I'm completely broken yet, but pain/illness combined with loneliness and nothing but rejection really is quite the combination sometimes. I could handle my situation if it was temporary, but it just becomes more permanent every day.

 

[outrider567]

Girlfriend of 35 years died

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

Not exactly broken - just very tired.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I was just simply born broken

 

[Unattainable666]

1989 my little girl was murdered. SS didn't exist (or I didn't know about it). Life became a shit show and I became suicidal. I'm so grateful to SS and the mods for giving me a place to grieve, curse, rant and finally say out loud that I want to die.

 

[InAgony]

Physical health problems which then caused mental health poblems which then caused more physical health problems which again caused mental health problems...

The thing that eventually pushed me to join SS was my mum died.

 

[Unattainable666]

Girlfriend of 35 years died

I'm so sorry for your loss

 

[divinemistress36]

When a guy who is doctor by profession snapped my neck and caused me to have a stroke and then electroshock therapy

 

[Bed]

Chronic pain and health issues. knowing my body will most likely keep deteriorating and the pain will only get worse. I just want to be healthy again but i've been told by specialists i'll deal with chronic pain for the rest of my life.

 

[dragonofenvy]

Spending years and years without anyone to talk to and dealing with PTSD among other issues. Realizing that I spent my whole childhood thinking it'd get better in the future, only to realize that I had been fighting for a future that would be the same misery over and over.

 

[loslassen]

A collection of unfortunate events that made my life go from bad to worse, false hope broke me much too many times, and a bunch of disorders I developed throughout my childhood, developed chronic illness and its symptoms, then an extreme poverty… it was gradual, but I feel less like pushing through every day.

 

[lonelyraven]

when i was 11, i lost someone very close to me and i never recovered. last year, i had to live with my half brother and he did some really awful things to me. i was depressed before, but him constantly assaulting me made me suicidal.

Im so sorry. I relate, being constantly assaulted in any way drains the life out of you. Idk if you feel the same but I wish my abusers killed me, it would have been a mercy compared to having to live like this.

Spending years and years without anyone to talk to and dealing with PTSD among other issues. Realizing that I spent my whole childhood thinking it'd get better in the future, only to realize that I had been fighting for a future that would be the same misery over and over.

That's exactly how I feel too. I lived through hell as a kid, always wanting someone to save me, only to grow up and realize I have to be the only one to save me. My love was helping me so much and then she died. I don't even know where to start. With them gone there's no purpose of going through this endless misery.

Chronic pain and health issues. knowing my body will most likely keep deteriorating and the pain will only get worse. I just want to be healthy again but i've been told by specialists i'll deal with chronic pain for the rest of my life.

Felt that 100%, I live with Fibo, Endo, EDS and friends. I'm pretty young yet I'm deteriorating so fast. It's only going to get worse as I get older and it feels like it's just not worth the fight. Neither my physical nor my mental health is ever going to get better not in a long-term impactful way. And having to live with this the rest of my life? No way.
May we find peace and whatever lies in the great beyond.

1989 my little girl was murdered. SS didn't exist (or I didn't know about it). Life became a shit show and I became suicidal. I'm so grateful to SS and the mods for giving me a place to grieve, curse, rant and finally say out loud that I want to die.

I'm so sorry. My daughter was murdered too, I just call it an accident bc people prod about it and I can't bare to answer questions about it or her. It's a horrendous thing to have to go through. Literally a parents worst nightmare. I feel like a failure, like I had one job and totally dropped the ball. May we find peace in death and what comes after.

 

[lonelyraven]

I was bullied excessively when I was 12/13. I was then regularly SA'd by a older man when I was 14/15. I learned slowly over those years that the less I talk, be around other people, do anything, the less painful life is. At 16 I finally realized that you can't be in pain if you're dead, and that death for me is better than living. It's been 10 years and I still feel the same way.

I'm sorry to hear about your trauma. Chronic trauma is very wearing on the soul. It's a big reason I'm here too. The only true out is death as much as I hate to say it for some of us. May we find the warmth we need in death.

One word, "poverty".

Fucking 100% I'm so fucking tired of living paycheck to paycheck and always bleeding money. I want to break this cycle in my family but I just can't.

 

[RemainingDubious]

High School

When on about Everybody Hurts - R.E.M.

In the liner notes of the album In Time: The Best of R.E.M. 1988–2003, Buck wrote that "the reason the lyrics are so atypically straightforward is because it was aimed at teenagers", and "I've never watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but the idea that high school is a portal to hell seems pretty realistic to me." The song was used in the 1992 film Buffy the Vampire Slayer that preceded the show.

Maybe high schools actually are a portal to hell.

 

[Circles]

My family.