What broke you?

[DeathPaloma]

What broke you to the point of suicide and joining SS?

For me, my daughter died in a horrible accident. My partner committed suicide two weeks later. That was almost 5 years ago and I'm still stuck in the same place I was after they died. I've been extremely suicidal since and I just can't take this for much longer but I don't want to go in a violent way. I want to pretty much just go to sleep and never wake up. So here I am.

What about you guys?

I think I was broken a couple of times during life, first by my father beating me and my mom being a bit of a drunk, then by being sexually abused by and older boy, then by myself, I came back from all of this. Because I had a hope, I had a goal, a dream, when I lost that, it broke me beyond repair.

I thought I could be smart, like really smart, I first started beliving in this in 5th grade a teacher of mine convinced me that if I worked hard enough I could do anything. ( I don´t really blame her). I belived math would get easier eventually, that I Portuguese ( my native language) would make sense, all the rules and grammar and syntax, I had nothing I was nothing. But I though I could stand out by being smart, I put my self worth in it. All my hopes and dreams, on that, if I study hard. I won´t matter that I hate my family, that I don´t have friends, in fact I will have a good job, and earn enough money to buy a little house outside of town and have a little ranch. And I will be able and have the energy and freedom to do whatever my heart desires. Neddless to say, math never go easier, nothing did, and by the end of high school I knew I will never be smarter than this. I am really bad explaing myself I feel like this text is barely coherent.

When I realised I was never going to be the person I wanted to, that I was always just going to be shitty old me. I broke me beyond repair. And that was 10, 13 years ago.

 

[ihatemylifee]

Not being good enough for anything and not having a purpose in life not fitting in with the world which causes me tons of loneliness and isolation and I can't find a reason to live anymore

 

[Pumpernickel Bandit]

My dad died when I was 13. My sister died when I was 18. My mother had a stroke last year and I found out everyone in my family - all 30+ members- have lied to me my entire life. My sister is my half sister, making me my dads only biological child. I am estranged from his family due to my mother being a malignant narcissist and him being an abusive enabler made for awful bedfellows for children. 98% of my past relationships, and I mean platonic friends, "best" friend, co-workers, bosses, have mostly been abusive. I thought they were normal. I thought alot of people loved me.

I was very wrong.

35 years on this fucking planet and I was wrong thinking I was loved. I feel like an idiot. I don't know what egregiously fucked up things I must have done in a past life but damn I'm paying the price now. Karma complete, I guess.

My only real regret is I married a great man who doesn't deserve this poison I call my reality but I didn't realize until too late.

Brings me to present day: tried to escape my abusive family, left the country, lost my job, been jobless for 8 months, can't get my IRS refund because I can't get to my address because I can't get back into the country (also I've been evicted so there's that). I can't stop the torment so at least I want the option to escape it permanently.

Shit hurts too much, man.

 

[Pumpernickel Bandit]

I think I was broken a couple of times during life, first by my father beating me and my mom being a bit of a drunk, then by being sexually abused by and older boy, then by myself, I came back from all of this. Because I had a hope, I had a goal, a dream, when I lost that, it broke me beyond repair.

I thought I could be smart, like really smart, I first started beliving in this in 5th grade a teacher of mine convinced me that if I worked hard enough I could do anything. ( I don´t really blame her). I belived math would get easier eventually, that I Portuguese ( my native language) would make sense, all the rules and grammar and syntax, I had nothing I was nothing. But I though I could stand out by being smart, I put my self worth in it. All my hopes and dreams, on that, if I study hard. I won´t matter that I hate my family, that I don´t have friends, in fact I will have a good job, and earn enough money to buy a little house outside of town and have a little ranch. And I will be able and have the energy and freedom to do whatever my heart desires. Neddless to say, math never go easier, nothing did, and by the end of high school I knew I will never be smarter than this. I am really bad explaing myself I feel like this text is barely coherent.

When I realised I was never going to be the person I wanted to, that I was always just going to be shitty old me. I broke me beyond repair. And that was 10, 13 years ago.

I feel you

 

[DeathPaloma]

I feel you

I am sorry that you do

 

[luxsuircides]

What broke you to the point of suicide and joining SS?

For me, my daughter died in a horrible accident. My partner committed suicide two weeks later. That was almost 5 years ago and I'm still stuck in the same place I was after they died. I've been extremely suicidal since and I just can't take this for much longer but I don't want to go in a violent way. I want to pretty much just go to sleep and never wake up. So here I am.

What about you guys?

Life feels like a constant circle it seems. Ever since getting SA'd when I was 10 it seems like people just use me for what they need and throw me aside. No matter if I SH or take substances, I always end up with this huge pit of emptiness in me.

 

[celestialsloth]

The realization that I've never truly known or been known by another person, and that down to my building blocks i am a mistake. Even the best possible version of myself is going to be a waste. Someone else should've gotten my spot here on earth

 

[groucho]

Been suicidal for decades. I got by on hope for a many years but it dries up as you age. Things that distracted me from my pain slowly began to not work. I realised through experience so much of our lives and relationships are either transient or meaningless. My only option is to try and enjoy the ride... But I just can't, at this point my soul is threadbare and every year that passes it gets worse. We are rocks being eroded by the sea.

 

[corvidaee]

Honestly, because I feel so unloveable and out of place. It feels selfish to think that way. But I am a child of divorce, living in households and never feeling like I'm a family member or meant to be there. In every relationship I've had, I've either been taken advantage of or been the monster of it all. I fucking hate my alcoholic narcissist stepdad and I'm so tired of living underneath his wretchedness that I want to be gone. I also hate the victim mentality I put myself in. I genuinely hate how much of a conundrum I am to myself and others which inconveniences the fuck out of everyone involved.

 

[SoulCage]

I had multiple work related burnouts in my life. I did easy/dumb jobs and very intellectual jobs, but I always ended up crying myself to sleep. It's not worth being tired and in pain all the time just so I can fulfill pointless desires and survive.
I found SaSu about 8 months ago (shortly after I left my previous job) and felt comfort in reading everyone's stories and thoughts on life. A place that speaks truth and not like other places where pro-lifers spread toxic positivity.
I registered when I realized that I also wanted to contribute my thoughts to this community, hoping that others find comfort just as I do.

 

[Z-A]

Mental condition

 

[Unattainable666]

Being born and raised by two really fucked up individuals. Physical, emotional, and sexual abuse which the physical and emotional only got worse when I became a teenager. Was isolated and without other human contact for a long time under the premise of "living off the grid" as they wanted, which really means "We really don't want our brat to snitch on our ass!" There were also numerous others who touched me inappropriately - other children, their friends, and even my cousin. I guess it comes with being a homeless/poor child huh? Even so, I ended up loving my parents despite everything they did so it further fucked me up and over. My brain shoved everything into the back of my head and kept me from really feeling that emotional pain until one of them died when I was still a teen. On the day they died I just suddenly realized what the fuck had happened to me but I had to keep "quiet" because the other parent would claim I'd probably lie anyways. The worst part was leaving home and realizing how fucking broken I was. I wasn't normal, I had and still do have issues in regards to trust and all relationships, and it was only over the course of time and my own mistakes did I realize that nothing about my life was normal and just stressful. It was legitimately fucking hell I wouldn't wish on anyone. And I can't hate my parents as much as I want to, something in me just stops when I think about it. Hell, I don't even hate the strangers who fucked me up either. I just hate myself. And now my physical health is really shitty too and my mental instability is worse and I don't have money to fix those problems...so whats the solution? What the fuck else do I have in life besides trying desperately to cling onto escapism?

After all the shit I've been through in my life I've am finally broken. What did this? a law firm in Savannah, GA. They profess themselves to be "the largest law firm in the country." Their motto is "For the People." What a laugh. It should be "For the pockets of the self righteous, egotistical attorneys who run this fucked up place." I moved here 1600 miles from where I was. I needed a new beginning and after interviewing and talking to them (and being lied to by them) here I am. I now have no money, no friends, in a job I absolutely hate and as I told them if they had told me how the place was run I would have NEVER taken the job. They know I'm now shit out of luck. My only way out from this nightmare is to ctb. Lying by omission is still lying. And they have denied my ADA even though I gave them proof of my disabilities. I never thought I could hate the way I do

 

[tbroken]

I had multiple work related burnouts in my life. I did easy/dumb jobs and very intellectual jobs, but I always ended up crying myself to sleep. It's not worth being tired and in pain all the time just so I can fulfill pointless desires and survive.
I found SaSu about 8 months ago (shortly after I left my previous job) and felt comfort in reading everyone's stories and thoughts on life. A place that speaks truth and not like other places where pro-lifers spread toxic positivity.
I registered when I realized that I also wanted to contribute my thoughts to this community, hoping that others find comfort just as I do.

Same here. Toxic positivity is really the worst ever, at least before social networks you could rest after a day of school or a day of work. Now you can never rest, you are always connected with these stupid things and If you have the wrong connections all your life will feel like agony

 

[flowerdecay]

I lost my wife just over 2 yrs ago. I have tried to move on. Can't. Nothing has any point to it anymore

 

[lostmind38]

Childhood trauma, violent assault, three miscarriages, Covid, lost the one person who loved me. I tried to pick myself so many times but have now accepted that my life is beyond fixing.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Actively and passively suicidal since 12 with no clear reason, knew about SaSu at 18-19, but joined at 22.

I remember coming home from work feeling really disorganized, resting on the couch, and basically to sum up the next two hours I had a massive recall of being SA'd, repeatedly, as a pre-teen, and my mind kinda fell apart. Don't even know how that happened...

Kinda knew it happened when I was 16 but it didn't consciously register until a month ago. All these unexplainable pains and aches and feelings and my mental health and personality shoving everyone I know and love away from me until I realized it wasn't my fault, but it was my fault for being a mess of a person and not realizing it sooner.
2 therapists, 6 social psychologists, 2 hospitalizations, and a ton of social workers trained to point out SA victims in children couldn't spot me. Kinda joined SaSu on impulse because of the recovery section because "Why not? Gives me time".

I pretty much wanted out because I was so confused by my body and mind, people irl see me as a disappointment, a mental mess, and a failure. Not knowing about the SA, but still blaming myself for a miserable person due to that.

Joined here as an outlet to process and discuss what I struggled to speak up about for almost a decade. Been doing better. Still kinda want out, but I'm lingering onto hope I can be free either way.

 

[Arachno]

Stress, scoliosis, lack of motivation and feeling that life is just too hard for me. I'd say those were the main things that broke me.

 

[losing hope]

tiredness of life

 

[catotoctb]

College and have to grown up.

Parents babied me my entire life and then when I turned the adult age, I was supposed to know everything about adulting, but I didn't know and my life has been going downhill ever since

Same as me, i didnt like growing up because i was not prepared for that and changed my life for the worse.

 

[theboy]

Since I was a child I have never wanted to live

 

[DesperateOne]

It's been a series of things...
Our bio-mother never wanted us. (She wanted a girl and would scream that at us so much we told family she no longer needed us once our sister was born.) She drugged us to make us drowsy instead of being a parent. She abused us to the point we were always covered in bruises. She brought us around people no child should be around. (Really bad drug scene). Constant neglect... Oh, and the only time she wanted anything to do with us was after news about us being trans somehow made it's way to that side of the genetic pool.
Poverty from birth until now.
Our bio-father never knew how to be a parent.
We were often handed off to whoever would take care of us for a few months to a year or so.
Our bio-father's second wife physically and emotionally abused us. We'd get beaten if one of our so-called siblings would just go to her and say we did something.
Sent to an inpatient facility because surely we must be the problem...
Sent to go live with family again at some point...
Trans in a world that is not good... Also forced into the closet for almost 2 decades. So much trauma around trying to discover ourselves rather than the miserable lie everyone "knew".
Autistic, ADHD, EUPD, and many other MH issues...
SA'd at 16yo. First serious CTB attempt just hours later. Unfortunately a failure.
Physically assaulted by our bio-father at around the same time for just trying to leave the room as everything was overwhelming.
His current wife treated us like shit until we moved out with no notice to go live with the person that SA'd us.
Saw a fully uncensored murder of the LGBT+ leader at a tech college we drove by every day on the way to work and were working out the finances of attending. It was a murder by hothead rookie cop. Even the more experienced officer on scene was clearly pissed as he was trying to deescalate what was clearly a mental breakdown. News played if off like hothead was in the right...
Messed up our back at the job we should have quit only to receive no help to this day for it. Fuck. We were weeks away from quitting. Months at worst. We just had to pay off our car and could have done so ~3 months from then... We planned to save every dollar we could, sell our truck, and put all that + tax return into paying it off.
We were drugged by an ex highschool friend. (Spiked cannabis. Still don't know what with but we know this person desperately wanted in our pants.) Gaslit about that for years...
Witnessed animal neglect and abuse firsthand over the span of ~2 years with no way out of that situation and too afraid and too weak to speak up. The fortunate victims died. The puppy really broke us and killed what little remaining faith we had in humanity.
Tried to have a talk with bio-father nearly 7 years after moving out about how we were treated only to be constantly gaslit to the point we killed the conversation and regretted trying to talk about it at all... Never brought it up and never will again. He can read all about it in our suicide note addressed to him.
Came out as trans to family.. Guess how much of that 'family' was supportive... The only male that was is our step brother, and past issues will forever make us not like him even though he is turning his life around. Kind of hard to ever forgive someone that enjoyed watching you get abused for his lies during childhood... Our bio-father continued to dead-name and misgender us throughout the divorce. (Claimed he couldn't wrap his head around they/them pronouns...) We disowned him and the rest right afterward. We won't even ask him for financial help as we wait to die. He could easily afford it, but we would rather die than ask for his help again.
Divorce... We lost our best friend, our partner, and our favorite person all at once unexpectedly. We also lost our precious kitty who is a daughter to us. We can't even think of her without crying including now.. Our ex also decided to come home and sleep in the same bed as us just to drop the news the next morning.. We were just starting to get better too. We really think she would have liked who we could have been within months, but she and her severely mentally unstable friend made her decision.
And now, almost a year later mostly in isolation, we don't even know what is real anymore. The only thing that feels real is the pain.
We get to know every day that our partners are together while we rot away and wait to run out of money which will be our queue to take our SN.
We regret ever opening back up to anyone. For a few months, we thought we could do better... We didn't realize one of our alters was sacrificing herself to give the rest of us a chance. We opened up to our partners and then she broke... Now it is just more people to hurt when our time runs out.

Life has been awful. 29 years of this has been way too much. We're so tired. Every moment of every day spent in severe pain both physically and emotionally. All we really want in life is to be taken care of for once and to have a chance to heal. We can't take care of ourselves anymore. We honestly wish we could just take our SN right now but we care more about others than ourselves. We have never really felt wanted or truly loved in our life. We are so tired of this. We wish we didn't have a genetic defect that renders opiates useless to us... If we didn't have that defect, we would OD on fentanyl and do our best to make it look like an accidental overdose to hurt people less. Oh well. When we run out of money in a few months, there will be nothing left to hold us here anymore. Maybe alice breaks again before then and does us a favor.

Reading this makes me so fucking angry. Your parents deserve jailtime. It's incredible how strong you are mentally to endure all of this. You deserve to be loved by someone, I hope you find peace no matter what you choose.

 

[unabletocope]

10 years ago I got in a situation where I kept turning up at someone's work, I was 19 I was off social media had dropped out of university and felt someone specific was a person who could potentially stabilise me while I got myself together... I eventually got kicked out of the shop and have struggled with the sense of people seeing me as a stalker over it, feeling like I could be attacked over it. I nearly killed myself over the next 6 or so months after it but I have felt suicidal ever since it happened, I constantly question whether I should have stayed on social media and reached out that way, it has crippled me and destroyed my future (things have completely unravelled for me, arrests hospital admissions overdoses being the most embarrassing person alive, at this point I am completely desperate to die)

 

[DesperateOne]

Same here. Toxic positivity is really the worst ever, at least before social networks you could rest after a day of school or a day of work. Now you can never rest, you are always connected with these stupid things and If you have the wrong connections all your life will feel like agony

I think life would be bearable for a lot of people if this thing called social media would come crashing down... It is going to destroy us, especially the minds of young people. It destroyed me and I'm gen Z... I can't even imagine what it is going to do to generation alpha kids who lack proper parents.

 

[tbroken]

I think life would be bearable for a lot of people if this thing called social media would come crashing down... It is going to destroy us, especially the minds of young people. It destroyed me and I'm gen Z... I can't even imagine what it is going to do to generation alpha kids who lack proper parents.

I'm a 'millenial', so i didn't just observe, but i lived this change in society and i can tell you that SN are the biggest control system on earth.
The power knows everything we do, the power brain-washes us and we also fight each other on these platforms.
The power just don't know what to do, so it just focuses to make more money and kill all menaces.

 

[pole]

feeling unloved, broken, like I am damaged goods.

getting close to someone for the first time hoping they prove you wrong. maybe it's all in my head. instead, they leave because all of the above is very real.

feels like the negative self-talk that I've battled all my life is constantly validated. it was right all along. there is nowhere to run or hide from these truths.

 

[calebzz1]

My dream surgery went horribly wrong (LASIK) and each day I have challenges with my vision with no real improvement.

I see slightly double vision intermittently nearly 24/7, it's been like this for a year and has been heavily taxing on my mental health. My vision is also way less sharp with glasses and noticeably different.

 

[annxietty]

Wow you have been through so much...
For me it was adolescence I believe, I started hating myself and started fearing going outside and showing myself to the world, depressive episodes started appearing, no one around wanted to help me, I didnt know what was happening to me, then my family situation became impossible and I decided I had to kill myself, had an attempt (ridiculous attempt lol) started self harming... agoraphobia... anxiety... and a looootttt of self hatred.

 

[deathslament]

being raped as a man by another in 2020

 

[RollingGiant]

Growing up completely isolated from other people, that's what set off the problems that lead to where I am now

 

[Polonium220]

What broke me is basically being a failure in every aspect of life, I have no desire to continue this existence.