What broke you?

[piryohae3]

One word, "poverty".

"JuSt hUstLe bRo!"

-capitalist boot licking piece of shit

 

[Erick]

I was healthy 3 months ago, then got bad illness and I am here, found my method, bought SN, and looking for exit. I love life but not in this body this time

Same with me. I was healthy until a year ago, and enjoying my life until I got an autoimmune disease that made me lose everything that made me happy.

 

[RemainingDubious]

For me, my daughter died in a horrible accident. My partner committed suicide two weeks later.

1989 my little girl was murdered.

i'm so sorry to hear of your losses losing a loved one is hell. i can't even fathom how painful it must be for a parent to lose a child i hope you both find peace

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

When on about Everybody Hurts - R.E.M.

In the liner notes of the album In Time: The Best of R.E.M. 1988–2003, Buck wrote that "the reason the lyrics are so atypically straightforward is because it was aimed at teenagers", and "I've never watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but the idea that high school is a portal to hell seems pretty realistic to me." The song was used in the 1992 film Buffy the Vampire Slayer that preceded the show.

Maybe high schools actually are a portal to hell.

lol that made me laugh

 

[druggedonsurvival]

Nothing in particular. I have a fairly good life I guess; not much to complain about. But I am often incredibly upset by the fact that depression and other issues impede my ability to thrive when I feel like I have no excuse not to. It often leads me to the thought that maybe I wasn't ever meant to be happy. But really, seeing all of your posts here makes me feel guilty for being suicidal.

 

[Unattainable666]

Im so sorry. I relate, being constantly assaulted in any way drains the life out of you. Idk if you feel the same but I wish my abusers killed me, it would have been a mercy compared to having to live like this.

That's exactly how I feel too. I lived through hell as a kid, always wanting someone to save me, only to grow up and realize I have to be the only one to save me. My love was helping me so much and then she died. I don't even know where to start. With them gone there's no purpose of going through this endless misery.

Felt that 100%, I live with Fibo, Endo, EDS and friends. I'm pretty young yet I'm deteriorating so fast. It's only going to get worse as I get older and it feels like it's just not worth the fight. Neither my physical nor my mental health is ever going to get better not in a long-term impactful way. And having to live with this the rest of my life? No way.
May we find peace and whatever lies in the great beyond.

I'm so sorry. My daughter was murdered too, I just call it an accident bc people prod about it and I can't bare to answer questions about it or her. It's a horrendous thing to have to go through. Literally a parents worst nightmare. I feel like a failure, like I had one job and totally dropped the ball. May we find peace in death and what comes after.

I am so sorry words can't express how sad this makes me

 

[JezebelDuLioncourt]

What broke you to the point of suicide and joining SS?

For me, my daughter died in a horrible accident. My partner committed suicide two weeks later. That was almost 5 years ago and I'm still stuck in the same place I was after they died. I've been extremely suicidal since and I just can't take this for much longer but I don't want to go in a violent way. I want to pretty much just go to sleep and never wake up. So here I am.

What about you guys?

I'm very sorry to hear. I can't imagine what it's like to experience extreme mental and emotional suffering for five years such as you have endured, and continue to endure.

My baby girl crossed over the rainbow bridge ten months ago. She was my heart, my light, my universe. I've always known very early on that I wouldn't survive her passing. One cannot live for very long without a heart.

But before that, two-and-a-half years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. I've been thru surgeries, radiation therapy, chemotherapy, and immunotherapy. I've been suffering from severe adverse side effects ever since. That is one fucking ailment where the remedy is worse than the disease itself.

Thru all that, my partner (of now twenty-nine years) relapsed into drug addiction and went thru horrible psychotic episodes. He took us to hell with him and back again many times over for almost four years.

I endured it all--and would have endured it over and over again--with my baby girl by my side. Because of her, I now believe in the afterlife. I can't wait to join her there. But even if that turns out to be all a myth, then it'd be just as well, for I'd simply prefer to cease existing.

 

[lita-lassi]

several shitty men

 

[RedHates]

Im so sorry. I relate, being constantly assaulted in any way drains the life out of you. Idk if you feel the same but I wish my abusers killed me, it would have been a mercy compared to having to live like this.

There were times i fantasized about him murdering me as he was assaulting me. I do wish he did. He has made so many memories that i just cant get rid of.

 

[sserafim]

ASD and just not being a good fit for this world. The thing that broke me though was failure to launch after college into the real world, and parental expectations and pressure to be successful.

 

[Ephemeron]

Sorry for the nightmare you've gone through, lonelyraven. I can't even imagine :(

As for me, trauma from childhood abuse combined with a few other environmentally induced disorders (including physical ones) set the stage for my my destruction. There was one time I was happy in life, just a moment, but that all went to hell pretty quickly, mostly due to my own stupidity. Years later I just drift day to day working a job I hate. Every day is a struggle to get through. I have no friends. I have nothing to my name. I'm a trash reject worthless piece of shit that never managed to do anything worthwhile. I have tried so many things to improve my life over the years, all the usual stuff as well as other unconventional things, even radical things, but nothing has ever worked. Everything always just got worse. I was totally fucked from the beginning.

 

[AlcoholicsCalculus]

The love of my life broke up with me. She was the only thing keeping me going

 

[passivethought121]

ED relapse. It had been my worst streak of weeks in a while and I had delayed an impulsive attempt by signing up here. It felt like being disordered was all I had and all that made me "happy". It was better than any absent parent or friend. I still feel that way, despite more normal eating habits.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've had ideation to varying intensities since childhood. (Lots of deaths in my immediate family and growing up with a suspected narcissist.) I'm 44 now. I found creativity was my coping mechanism. All my very worst actively suicidal phases have been where I have been failing in that. I just didn't happen to find this site till a couple of years ago but otherwise, I likely would have been here sooner.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Optimism and, in the words of Elvis Presley, "Crazy Little Thing Called Love".
Was dead set on CTB already but there was this person who made me curious about what it would be like to be in a relationship with her.
Perhaps it was SI mingled with curiosity at the time, but I decided to try it out. Didnt end well, and the only regret was that I spent time exploring it. The experience itself was great, but looking back i wish i hadn't done so.

 

[bigmanharsh]

I don't think there was a particular thing that "broke me", more of life chipping away at my humanity. I remember being a really happy kid. I remember being beaten to the point of bruises as a child by my mother but I'd still forgive her in my mind because she is my mom and If i did what she wanted she wouldn't hit me anymore. The abuse never stopped, My dad was just neglectful at first but then turned abusive himself as I grew older. Maybe the thing that "broke" me was when I was 11 and my dad beat me to the point that I was bleeding, My face was swollen, my ears were ringing from the slaps, I literally pissed myself when he punched me and I felt like i was about to vomit. He shortly left and I went to my mom for any sort of comfort and she told me that I deserved it for "ruining her life" and that she wished my dad beat me to death and didn't stop halfway. That night i tried my first suicide attempt. I just wanted it all to end. I was being bullied at school too and I felt such raw despair and hopelessness. the feeling never went away.

However I feel grateful to have something as tame happen to me in comparison to other people in this thread, being sexually assaulted as a teen or child by disgusting pedophiles or losing your own child or partner that you had poured your whole heart into, it seems so horryfying, i have forgotten how to trust people properly and how to be vulnerable, and imagining that one day i do become vulnerable and open upto someone and i lose that person to some unfortunate event. I don't think I will be able to keep on going. I wish you all the best of luck. If you can, keep on going and try to rediscover joy in life or try to find peace in other ways. (sorry for shitty english)

 

[mafuyu]

idk i've had depression since i was a young child

 

[Neowise]

Emotional abuse from my narcissistic mother paired with my uselessness, stupidity and cowardness.

 

[ThymeToLeave]

Originally it was repeated SA, but that was many years ago. More recently it was a complicated situation that ended with me going broke and moving back in with my parents in my late 30s. I failed to truly launch the first time and the thought of going back out into the world and trying to build a career and life again at age 40+ just doesn't appeal to me.

 

[SadLad]

What broke you to the point of suicide and joining SS?

For me, my daughter died in a horrible accident. My partner committed suicide two weeks later. That was almost 5 years ago and I'm still stuck in the same place I was after they died. I've been extremely suicidal since and I just can't take this for much longer but I don't want to go in a violent way. I want to pretty much just go to sleep and never wake up. So here I am.

What about you guys?

Wow. My situation pales yours in comparison, that's awful.

 

[The Mute Viking]

What broke you to the point of suicide and joining SS?

For me, my daughter died in a horrible accident. My partner committed suicide two weeks later. That was almost 5 years ago and I'm still stuck in the same place I was after they died. I've been extremely suicidal since and I just can't take this for much longer but I don't want to go in a violent way. I want to pretty much just go to sleep and never wake up. So here I am.

What about you guys?

Crazy. That's similar to my story of what broke me for good.

Ex-fiance/soulmate died a year or so ago due to OD/Suicide. In same year, I lost my son. My life went from horrible af but minutely bearable to pure hell.

As a parent/someone who found soulmate. It's a loss you never get over.

 

[Ephemeron]

Perhaps it was SI mingled with curiosity at the time, but I decided to try it out. Didnt end well, and the only regret was that I spent time exploring it. The experience itself was great, but looking back i wish i hadn't done so.

I've seen a few of your posts, and they remind me a little of myself. I find it interesting that you regret it happening, as I often feel the exact same way. It was incredible while it was happening, but it went to hell so fast, and I regret ever doing it, because I have been tortured by it for years on end (along with everything else). Do you ever get sick of people repeating that stupid Tennyson line? I do. I really hate it, but people just repeat it over and over like robots.

 

[deceasedplease]

What broke you to the point of suicide and joining SS?

For me, my daughter died in a horrible accident. My partner committed suicide two weeks later. That was almost 5 years ago and I'm still stuck in the same place I was after they died. I've been extremely suicidal since and I just can't take this for much longer but I don't want to go in a violent way. I want to pretty much just go to sleep and never wake up. So here I am.

What about you guys?

being ugly and constantly bullied for it/treated like shit by everyone. my mum committing suicide. being physically abused as a child. growing up poor. being a drug addict. constantly under achieving academically. not having a single friend for over 10 years. being assaulted by someone who knew how vulnerable i was. becoming manic from anti depressants and doing very embarrassing things that i can never take back. being diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome.

 

[F@#$]

I don't know, I haven't always been this way, I don't think. But I can't remember not wanting to die.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Big failure in life (business failure). After years of trying to recover it and find a new base everything failed once and for all - it's like a curse.

 

[tbroken]

I was happy when i was young, happy with my life and my passions and small things. Ipocricy and narcisissm broke me. I don't like doing things and being judged or being monitored all the time.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

That time a woman who initially wanted a relationship with me ended up choosing someone else over me because I was emotionally unavailable for a couple of months due to having had my car broken into multiple times and because I accidentally told her I was okay with just being her friend at first since she had initially stated she was trying to get over a bad breakup by the way the guy she chose over me was a piece of shit and now I hate all members of his race so I guess I'm also a piece of shit.

^^^world's worst anime title…

 

[SVEN]

My life.

 

[.dreamless.]

She

 

[lotus11]

Many many things....but ultimately time. I've run out of time for anything to.have hope to change for the better.