Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[usernamey]

bit sleepy, foggy like i barely know what's going on around me lol

 

[pond]

Powerless. Tired. I need to start sleeping regularly again but I hate sleeping so much. I hope the one rude guy I played online with today stubs his toe on all the doors in his house. I guess today is ending and starting off badly again too.

 

[darksouls]

I am angry at the two dumb apes who produced me against my will

 

[Spite]

I'm just always asking myself, "why did this have to be my life?" Why? Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy?

Like... why couldn't it be different? Why am I the way I am? Why have I had to endure so much suffering?

As far as I'm aware this is our one and only chance at life, and I've wasted most of it being miserable and feeling worthless. Sunk cost fallacy is in full effect. I've already wasted 1/3rd of my natural lifespan in mental anguish and misery, why bother trying to get better now when the best years of my life have already been wasted? I hate this mental trap that I'm stuck in. I can't even try to lift myself out of my depression and be happy. I'm just always, constantly, perpetually, miserable.

I also feel like a total empty shell of a human being. An absolutely lifeless, soulless husk. Dead inside. I wasn't always like this, but I've slowly become this way over time. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I fear I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life should I decide to continue. I'm... ruined.

 

[CTB Dream]

this no psbl timtravle no psbl any,time mov mov no psbl any, lif awfl cncpt

 

[aspenjrojas]

you can try as hard as you possibly can to change everything about your life, but its still your mind. its still you, you're still gonna have the same problems the same views the same life. you can decide one day that you are gonna turn your life around and be super productive, workout every day, eat better, do all your work efficiently, have a good balance with your social life, upkeep your relationships with the different people in your life, quit all the behaviors that make you worse. you can effectively change all your habits and lifestyle. but it's still gonna be your same depressed, tired mind behind it. you still are gonna have the same memories and pain and that's not gonna permanently change no matter what you do.

 

[Lullaby]

I was able to finally get some of my dad's stuff today. I broke down completely when I saw his guitar; he used to play it for me when I was a kid and I had no idea he still had it.

We found some of his writings - some were positive and gratitude lists, and I think some were old. There was one where he talked about how sad and lonely he was, and that he considered his existence sad but livable. I'm hoping it was old, but it totally broke me. Especially since I've written similar stuff.

I took his guitar and some of his clothes to keep in my closet.

I struggle really bad in my faith, but I genuinely hope he's somewhere better than this and at total peace he couldn't get here.

What a summer…

 

[Nothing.]

Worse.

 

[pond]

Going to a Japanese food festival today. Hopefully it's cool. Hopefully I don't come across anyone I knew from school or I don't get seen by someone who knew me. Hopefully there's ice cream. Hopefully it's not too hot (hah). Hopefully it's not too crowded (hah). Hopefully there will be fun games.

Trying not to set too many expectations so I don't disappoint myself but my brain is also getting myself ready to be too sad to enjoy it. The nerves and dullness are all there already (why do I do this to myself?).

 

[nitrogenous]

Today has made me realise that there is probably no such things as true friends. What's the point of trying to make them happy if they only bring you down and talk about you with others about how they shouldn't be friends with me? I'm giving my "friends" a favour and this is what I get in return? No one even cared when I was in crisis. If any, they betrayed me and left me alone in the hospital after telling the staff they were going to pick me up. I forgave them, but day after day it's getting obvious I'm just here getting used like a toy. I'm done. I'm tired. I know no one cares and if my suicidality increases again and I get emergency called, I would literally lose myself. There's no one else I can trust anymore. Or maybe they're all right. Maybe I am indeed the bad person here. And that is part of my why on why I deserve to die.

 

[JustADeerGirl]

i really just wanna meet someone

 

[_Gollum_]

Wishing that I had never existed. It's a calamity, an atrocity. I could have been safe in the void. I didn't need to be here. I wish I had never been here. Now I exist and there are only bad choices. It will never be possible to right this wrong that was done to me

 

[pond]

I still can't shake off my fight-or-flight response every time it seems like my sister has come by. My anxiety explodes. I hate this so much. I've had to deal with so much stress and anger the past few years. Please just stop it. I don't have the energy for this.

The stress caused by her has been ongoing for long enough that it has its own story arc. Just leave my story to be the "depressed/suicidal since childhood" cliché. I don't want her to be a part of my story. Stop ruining my head and body. Stop ruining my life. I already hate it so much.

 

[projectpravitas]

Utterly exhausted, alone, and ashamed

 

[Spite]

I am seriously considering giving up on my hope of ever having real-life friends, and just accepting that I was always meant to be a spectator in this life. I'm dreading my 30th birthday. All my life I've struggled with socializing and fitting in, and feeling like I belong anywhere. I'm also getting to a point where lately I've started to think to myself that I'd like to know as few people as humanly possible; to speak to as few people as possible. I want to be a ghost, I want to be invisible, I just want to drift through life that way. So many of my experiences with talking to other people have been negative. I don't relate to others. I don't get along with most people. It's like... why even try anymore?

I hate that I have desires. Deep down I strongly desire connections with others and a sense of belonging. I want to be part of a tribe. Humans work best when they are together. Humans are not built to go through life alone and isolated. It's unnatural.

But another part of me thinks it's easier to just give up, lie down and accept my fate. I should stop fighting and putting myself out there and 'giving it my all'. I need to surrender. I need to embrace the loneliness. I truly believe it's what I was destined for.

 

[darksouls]

I got kicked out, error code 524

 

[seeyoulater26]

How come all men I ever loved just used me? Every. single. one. What is so wrong with me? Am I that terrible?
Or yeah, maybe I just kept choosing wrong and I should try, as with all things in life. Right? RIGHT? Simple.
But you know, this is truly how I feel: You get your heart broken often enough, it gets hard to put back together.

I feel so sad feeling like I was never seen as a person. Just a resource they could exploit. They enjoyed the empathy, the patience, the kindness, but when they no longer needed them, or when that parts of me that weren't so pretty started showing, it was so easy to let me go. I was just an object they could discard.

It's dehumanizing and I wish I could reach back to my younger self and apologize for not knowing better.

I love love. I love loving. And it really breaks my heart having to come to terms it might never happen for me.
I didn't even want a grand one. I only wanted simple days waking up together. Doing the groceries. Taking care of each other when we get sick.
Arguing who does the chores. Haha
I still believe in it, but only for everyone else. Not me. It's never going to be me.

I don't want to get to know anyone anymore.

The last time I tried, at the end, he even confessed he just used me when he was lonely. And that's been stuck in my head ever since.
I wish he didn't say that. Because to be fair, it really was just a relationship that didn't work out. Our lives were incompatible. I don't know why he needed to be extra honest. Maybe he wanted to hurt me... idk. I don't think I deserved that.
And I was so careful with my heart that time. I didn't trust easily. I took my time getting to know him. But it happened anyway.
I feel like, that ruined something good in me. Something I'd tried to rebuild and protect. And now there's no getting it back. It's so dark.

I have many "real" problems, but this has been weighing heavy on my chest over the past year so thank you for letting me write.
I'm still so, so sad I failed in love again. It's so corny. Haha
But it really hurts.

With this and everything else, I feel like it's never going to get better for me and often think I'm really just better off dead.

 

[Insufficent]

Rage and frustration to the point where im having so intensive violent instructive thoughts that im almost yelling by my self to the persons im imagining.

 

[Bowerbird]

If I leave
Somebody else will find you
But nobody else could see me
Quite as clearly as you

 

[kkkctb]

Exhausted and I did not sleep last night due to my fucked up sleep schedule

 

[SadPsych]

Exhausted. Physically and mentally. Work stress and anxiety is breaking me down piece by piece. Woke up in the middle of the night last night and started reading this forum again. Couldn't fall back asleep for a few hours. It's really hard wanting to leave this life, but still worrying about the people I'll leave behind. I can't do that to them, but I also can't see how I'll last in this life much longer. It's a lose-lose situation. I feel like I have to but also like I can't. Like there is no escape.

 

[CTB Dream]

no resn sty this lif v awfl, this ni psblany, all awfl all pain sffr, this no knw watdo

 

[suncide10]

Sad

 

[ssfox]

So excited for my blades to arrive and for my dictator to go back to work so I can finally have peace since weeks....

 

[CTB Dream]

this v strgl this wrld all pain sffr, no psbl doany this me disapre

 

[Sockeye Salmon]

i'm back here again after over a year of not being overly suicidal - life was kinda good for a while but has fallen again

so fucking lonely
really need to fucking die soon

 

[WirelessConnections]

I feel sad and alone. Everybody in my life is so busy as of late, and even when I do talk with/see them I feel nothing. I want to go buy weed just to feel something, but I know that it won't give me what I'm looking for, which makes me feel even more upset.

My emotions are so volatile today. I keep going from feeling okay to empty to sad to ashamed and then back to nothing again. I'm just confused, and I can't even really say about what.

 

[Spite]

What a fucking awful day.

Just spent the last 11 hours standing in what might as well be a freezing cold cyclone, forced to work outside in violent rainstorms the entire day. I was unable to complete all the work and now I'm falling behind. I'm freezing, soaking wet, miserable, and exhausted.

How the fuck am I supposed to "live my life" when I'm spending 2/3rds of the day being a slave to a shitty job? How am I supposed to enjoy any hobbies or activities outside of work when I have no energy and I'm gutted and exhausted by the end of my shift? What kind of stupid, pointless, fucked up existence is this?

I'm going to sit in the dark and weep for the rest of the evening until I fall asleep.

I hope I die in my sleep. I hate this life.

 

[MephiticShadow]

Isolated
Walter! There you are. Glad you're still around. Hugs to you too

 

[whywere]

It is 4:10am and I am up no sleep because of the 24/7 pain.

Found out that I have a niece that I never knew about, my sister will not speak to me, brainwashed by my "parents" before they died. My niece is not only married but she is going to have her 1st child. Found an email address for her, sent an email and the response I got back was ""f" you", do NOT bother me again.

Lonely.

Walter