Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[pond]

I'm so scared of losing control because of my ED again. My sister is back and she's triggering me in every way, just as she used to. I don't feel comfortable at home or anywhere. I don't want to be stuck in a cycle of stress and anger. I don't want to be thinking of food and exercise every waking moment of my life again. I don't want to lose my period again and be toyed around with by my hormones.

I'm so tired. I wish she would disappear forever. I wish she could physically suffer through the physical, emotional, and mental torment she put me through. She deserves the absolute worst. I already hated living without the ED but life with an ED is brutal. Just a brutal whirlwind of madness. I want to implode and be gone. I want to rip myself apart into tatters and be gone. I hate myself. I hate her. I hate her so, so much.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I may be quitting my job soon. One of my coworkers has been taking pieces of the cleaning equipment home and lying about them being here the whole time so I can't do my job properly. I can't prove that it's happening unfortunately but I know it's happening.

If the piece of shit wants me gone so bad then congrats to him I guess. He accomplished his goal. After tonight I'm never coming back to work again.

I changed my mind and decided that for now, I will continue going to work. I just have to outsmart this piece of shit. At the very least, if I do quit, I have another job I can get right away to fill in the gap, so for now I'll keep that one in reserve. Maybe I can even do both jobs and see how they overlap.

 

[pond]

I finally texted my sister why I hate her, just not to the descriptive extent that I would like because a lot of it would be my cussing her out. Also because my resentment for her runs way too deep to explain clearly.

She apologized but of course I don't feel better. My ED will never go away. Nothing will undo the past decade of pain she caused.

I don't want to live with this pain. I don't want to live. I wish her nothing but pain and suffering as long as she's around me.

I'm so tired. I don't want to be consumed by exercise anymore. My back hurts. My knees hurt. My feet hurt. I'm not ready for the stress to come back. I can't do this all over again.