Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[hatchedonyx]

realised I've been in a manic episode the last few days and the crash has finally come. all the guilt of everything is suddenly overwhelming, but just ripped a pokemon pack from the stack I bought whilst in said manic episode and got a god pack. a win is a win, even in a time of crippling depression, guilt, and overspending.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

After getting "jumped" by depression in public several hours ago and having to suppress my emotions, I feel just… numb. I'm not happy; I'm not sad; I'm not angry. I don't have any desire to continue onward, and I don't have to drive to do anything, even the things I like. (Although, to be honest, there isn't a lot to begin with.)

Occasionally, a sliver of sadness and disgust breaks through. It's mostly when I just reflect on my relationships thus far.

I'm still in touch with my remaining IRL friends, but I've made some meaningful connections (or, at least, I think I did) through this forum. It sucks and it eats at me that I've found people who can understand me but they'll be gone at some point. I rapidly oscillate between caring too much about them and not caring at all, but I don't even know if my version caring is even caring. What if I think I'm caring but I'm not caring at all? I want to care about them because clearly they mean something to me, but sometimes, I just don't… care.

I'm just defective. From the moment I was born to now, I'm simply too faulty. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Dying is the only option for me. Disposing of a broken product.

 

[Lyn]

Like a faded neon sign humming in an alley no one walks down anymore. Still on. Still glowing... at least to some extent.
But for what?
Just a slow erosion of meaning. If it even ever was a thing in this world.

 

[SoulCage]

Just a small vent into the void, because I feel like I have to cry for help, but I know nobody can help me anyway.
Since I reduced my medication, my chest went from "something really heavy is compressing my heart, my lungs" to "feeling of relief, but at the same time a "pull" as if someone is constantly trying to remove a band-aid that is too adhesive to remove. It sucks so hard, this is worse than my sleeping issues before I started medication. I think there is no chemistry that can help me. Please make it stop. Doctors keep telling me it's just psychological source. They can't help me

 

[istherehope]

I feel alone. I don't feel like my therapist gets me. She seems to see me as a teenager or a dreamer who refuses to engage in the "real" world. That real world being corporate jobs, disappointing relationships, a plain daily life. I had so much dreams and projects and I'd love someone to get me. I miss my old self.

 

[Hangman.]

Bored and suffering from migraine

 

[Poiter1987]

Dread i suppose. I've fucked my life up and I see no way our of it. And I'm to much of a pussy to kill myself so I hang around this website. Wondering how I got myself into this fucked up situation. My memories are painful. I made bad mistakes. I can't turn back the clock.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm done. I'm going to buy a rope on Monday and attempt again. I failed my math exam, which isn't surprising, and I'm tired of this crap. It's funny, because my professor made it clear to us that if the grade on our final exam is higher than the grades on our other assignments then he will re-weigh them to make the exam worth more, meaning that I still have a shot at passing but I just don't care. I don't care how my suicide will impact those around me anymore. I feel miserable. I want out. I hate my parents for giving birth to me and I am at a point where I don't even feel bad for feeling that way. I still love them, don't get me wrong, but I also hate them. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of being stuck in a cycle of feeling better for a bit and then going back to feeling awful. I keep on messing shit up for myself, whether intentionally or not. I'm completely incompetent. My counsellor made me do some sort of contract thing as part of our safety plan in order to avoid having me ctb, but I don't care about that shit. I'm just so tired.

 

[Dejected 55]

I am physically and spiritually drained. I have no one to turn to for anything. I am completely alone in all ways. I barely want to get up, and only do so because I have to sometimes. Everything is repetitive and uninteresting and I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again. I wish death would just happen suddenly by surprise without pain and it would all be over without me having to do anything. Nothing makes sense to me. People and the world is so cruel and people get chances if they are horrible, but if you are unlovable you don't even get a first chance. You are just ignored as if you don't exist. I find nothing redeemable or worth living for anymore.

 

[LigottiIsRight]

I'm thinking about the possibility that my life is over already, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to come to any conclusions.

 

[istherehope]

I feel alone. I'd want someone to have a discussion with that could be different from the small talk I share on a daily basis.

 

[darksouls]

I am so exhausted
I cannot stand it anymore
I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up again

 

[cosimaniehaus]

Even in death, they will still laugh at me.

 

[star.trip]

I'm a mistake, someone who shouldn't have been born.

 

[Magi129]

I really was made for loving this guy. Like really. How all my being hormones etc does such if I was not?

 

[Dejected 55]

I have no purpose. Life has no meaning. I do not matter. I lose more interest in everything as each day passes. My pain grows as each day passes. I find it incredibly difficult to want to do anything at all. I barely want to eat anymore. TV shows and movies do not entertain me anymore and I thought that would be how I passed the time in my final weeks.

 

[ForestGhost]

Can't stop crying. my pillow is absolutely soaked through with tears. one of the worst days in a long time. I just wish I could find the strength to go. I am unfixably broken. nothing on the outside can make things any better but here I am still hopelessly trying.

 

[Grog]

I keep wondering if I said something wrong… I never want to make anyone sad… I feel shitty now.

 

[Cavalcade]

I'm actually viciously angry about it, in hindsight. Funny, since anger's meant to be the alarm system of your body- recognition that something was wrong, amiss- unjust. Something to goad you into action. I cannot fucking believe those people. If my loved one, hell, even if it was a random acquaintance, or a hobbyist space mutual, made mention of joining a suicide forum- I would be at the very least, curious, concerned. I can't believe not a single person in my life at that time gave a single fuck about it.

I guess it's to be expected, though. No one gave a shit when I tried to kill myself, either. I'm glad they're out of my life. It makes me sick to know that they're walking around, so convinced that they're good people, and their friendships that I helped to facilitate are as 'strong as ever,' sure- until you're too mentally ill to be deemed acceptable, I'm sure. Have a nice goddamn life. I hope one day you wake up completely and utterly alone, having surrounded yourself with the same shallow, fairweather friendship you gave to me. I hope it eats you fucking alive.

 

[Bowerbird]

so many gay thoughts

 

[darksouls]

since the death of my dog, in 2020, I feel empty inside again
she filled this inner emptiness
she was my best friend
I miss her
my black beauty
I never got along with people
people in real life are too cruel for me
I will stay alone until I die

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Currently in a good mood, but for a weird reason. I decided to buy some weed today, because I plan on smoking at the park and then going to the mall afterwards. When I handed my ID to the cashier he was shocked by how old I was and even called a coworker and said "Doesn't she look so young?" To her. For some reason, people commenting on me looking young for my age always puts me in a good mood.

Well, that was short-lived. Now I'm in a bad mood because of my stupid psych referral appointment. God, I don't know why I decided to agree to see a psychiatrist before. AM I FUCKING IDIOT OR SOMETHING? IM SO FUCKING STUPID!@! WHY DID I AGREE TO THIS??!?@?


Now I want to throw myself into traffic but none of the fucking cars around are going fast enough to ensure that I'll die upon impact. Then again, I don't want to end up with a TBI like dad. I'm heading to the park to smoke some weed right now. Is it weird that a part of me is hoping for it to make me feel worse?

 

[deletednumber]

Ho bisogno di scrivere qui per togliermi un peso dal cuore perchè tutto ciò mi fa stare male e mi appesantisce a tal punto da essere una crudele tortura.
Voglio togliermi tutto questo dolore profondo e insistete che i miei genitori continuamente mi vomitano addosso tutti i giorni e in particolare ieri e vorrei che gli ritornasse indietro e li colpisse.
Lo tolgo da me ora e glielo rimando indietro.
Si meritano veramente di soccombere sotto alla loro stessa malvagità.
Io ho finito di essere succube di questo.
Mi libero di questo ora.

 

[Dejected 55]

Miserable and alone. Always miserable and alone. Even when it is just under the surface, I am miserable and alone. Main difference in the past year is that I've stopped trying to hide it for the benefit of others. I'm just allowing everyone to see what I've always felt. They couldn't tell how miserable I was before, either because I was so good at faking it or they didn't care... likely a bit of both.

Deep deep down, I wish there was another way out of the misery. A way to stay alive and not be miserable. But I've lived too long in the misery, pretty much my entire life of 55 years... and there, unfortunately, is no way out of the misery. Even if I worked at other things and was able to continue existing, that's all it would be... existing... not thriving or even living... just existing. That's just not enough. It never was enough, but I fooled myself into keeping on while I hoped for more. I no longer have hope for more. This is as good as it gets for me, the misery.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

My sleep last night wasn't great, though in all fairness, I did fall asleep earlier yesterday thanks to the weed. I kept on circling between feeling rage, feeling okay, and feeling depressed and suicidal for a few hours. I currently I'm not that happy right now and I want to throw myself in front of a speeding bus. Still, this isn't the worst mood I've been in, so I guess that is a plus.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Some of the people on this site annoy the fucking shit out of me. I would say that most of the people on here are fine. I feel indifferent to most people on here. It's just that there are a few members on here who annoy the shit out of me so much that it makes me want to bang my head against the wall until it bleeds.

 

[EquinoxAlchemist]

nothing.

That's what I usually feel. Need to peel back my layers before i can somewhat start guessing what the hell that is.

 

[sukiduki]

every day feels like it's worth nothing. i literally want it to be over but i have to hold out till the end of the year. it would be great if i could just die in my sleep or have a freak accident atp

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Do you ever get the urge to threaten suicide in certain situations? I sometimes do, especially when it comes to me being stressed out over shit! I sometimes fantasize about showing my SH scars and/or threatening to SH or commit suicide fo get shit. I never act on these urged because I know that they are wrong and I don't like the idea of traumatizing others. I already am enough of a burden on everyone around me and doing so would just make others feel like they should have ro suffer to appease me. I'm a horrible person. I'm such a piece of shit. J should kill myself right now. I wish I had a gun on me. I'd used it to shoot myself in the head if I did.

It's funny, because I feel horrible yet I'm not tearing up or getting the the usual weird feeling in my or feelings of a lump in my throat. I don't get it. I had a lump in my throat earlier today (well, I guess it would h3 yestersay) over shit that wasn't even that bug of a deal, lol. I guess I'm so used to feeling this way that I've grown somewhat numb to it.
I want to regress. I'm tired kf this shit! I want to get worse, not better! I want to strive to be the worse version of myself possible. I'm tired of trying to get better. What is the point? I'm tired of this. I suck so I may as well embrass it. Lol
I don't tend to have crashouts like others, and it gives me a weird sense of superiority over others. I clearly do a much hetter job at managing my emotions compared to others. My stepmother would throw a full blown tantrum over the simplest shit when I was younger (which makes me worried to my brothet). She once had this entire crash out over my hiding pizza behind my back, lol. I was in probably around 10 to 11 at the time and I wanted another slice of pizza. My dad let me have it and when she enter the room I did behind my back. Idk why I did it. It was out of instinct. She noticed and it led to her having an entire crash out over it. Thankfully, it only verbal this time. Sometimes, it would involve her trashing the place and throwing shit and hitting my dad. I hate her. I hope she dies a slow, painful, miserable death. I hate her from the bottom of my heart.

 

[Dejected 55]

When I first got up this morning I felt a wave of nothing. Sometimes feeling nothing is worse than feeling depression.