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EquinoxAlchemist

EquinoxAlchemist

on a train to whumpcentral
Jun 5, 2025
40
nothing.

That's what I usually feel. Need to peel back my layers before i can somewhat start guessing what the hell that is.
 
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S

sukiduki

Student
Mar 24, 2024
148
every day feels like it's worth nothing. i literally want it to be over but i have to hold out till the end of the year. it would be great if i could just die in my sleep or have a freak accident atp
 
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EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
5,162
Do you ever get the urge to threaten suicide in certain situations? I sometimes do, especially when it comes to me being stressed out over shit! I sometimes fantasize about showing my SH scars and/or threatening to SH or commit suicide fo get shit. I never act on these urged because I know that they are wrong and I don't like the idea of traumatizing others. I already am enough of a burden on everyone around me and doing so would just make others feel like they should have ro suffer to appease me. I'm a horrible person. I'm such a piece of shit. J should kill myself right now. I wish I had a gun on me. I'd used it to shoot myself in the head if I did.

It's funny, because I feel horrible yet I'm not tearing up or getting the the usual weird feeling in my or feelings of a lump in my throat. I don't get it. I had a lump in my throat earlier today (well, I guess it would h3 yestersay) over shit that wasn't even that bug of a deal, lol. I guess I'm so used to feeling this way that I've grown somewhat numb to it.
I want to regress. I'm tired kf this shit! I want to get worse, not better! I want to strive to be the worse version of myself possible. I'm tired of trying to get better. What is the point? I'm tired of this. I suck so I may as well embrass it. Lol
I don't tend to have crashouts like others, and it gives me a weird sense of superiority over others. I clearly do a much hetter job at managing my emotions compared to others. My stepmother would throw a full blown tantrum over the simplest shit when I was younger (which makes me worried to my brothet). She once had this entire crash out over my hiding pizza behind my back, lol. I was in probably around 10 to 11 at the time and I wanted another slice of pizza. My dad let me have it and when she enter the room I did behind my back. Idk why I did it. It was out of instinct. She noticed and it led to her having an entire crash out over it. Thankfully, it only verbal this time. Sometimes, it would involve her trashing the place and throwing shit and hitting my dad. I hate her. I hope she dies a slow, painful, miserable death. I hate her from the bottom of my heart.
 
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Dejected 55

Dejected 55

Enlightened
May 7, 2025
1,115
When I first got up this morning I felt a wave of nothing. Sometimes feeling nothing is worse than feeling depression.
 
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EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
5,162
I cancelled my counselling appointment and I plan on cancelling all of this dumb mental health bullshit soon! I don't need help with this shit. The more I go through this shit the more I realize that I'm not mentally ill and that I'm perfectly healthy mentally health wise. Fuck this shit! I hope my counsellor doesn't contact my dad about this. I'm an adult and I'm allowed to decide if I don't want to do shit anymore! I also bought a rope today. I'm tired of all this. I'm tired of being alive. I'm increasingly getting to a point where I don't care about how my death may impact others. It will only be the idealized version of me they have in their head that they will be mourning, not the real me. I'm an awful piece of shit and if it weren't for the fact that I'm family they would probably not have put up with my nonsense for so long. All I've ever accomplished in life is hurting those around me. I'm a complete failure. Nobody truly likes me and I don't blame them because I am genuinely an awful person to be around. I might try again sometime near the end of the month or in early August.
 
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D

deletednumber

Enlightened
Apr 29, 2021
1,604
Trovo incredibile che la vita mi abbia sorpreso con delle cose così brutte che mai avrei immaginato sarebbero accadute,ero così ingenua e buona...
 
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Cavalcade

Cavalcade

Member
Dec 16, 2024
74
I don't know how I'm supposed to let go of all of this bitterness. The people who hurt me are still thriving, indifferent- having the time of their lives.
 
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dead dav

dead dav

Experienced
Feb 27, 2025
209
Exhausted but hope
 
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EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
5,162
The mods seem to have a real big boner for counsellors. Funny how you'll find some deplorable posts made on here and they don't give a crap, but they draw the line at ranting about counsellors and mental health professionals? People claim that this a place that advocates for freedom of speech, but I'm not sure about that...
 
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Vex_ation

Vex_ation

Sad bitch extraordinaire
Jun 11, 2025
6
Empty, numb, burnt out, near tears, old, decrepit, weak, cold, and in pain
 
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Unsure and Useless

Unsure and Useless

Drifting Aimlessly without Roots
Feb 7, 2023
364
Unseen but not heard; everyone always talks over me, even my own family. I'm expected to hold my tongue whenever people talk, but whenever I talk, I'm always interrupted by people. Occasionally, they'll apologize, but I know they'll do it again. Everyone has kept interrupting me my entire life. It's nothing new, but it's frustrating. Not only that, but they assume things of me. The worst is that they think I'm some manipulator, a Machiavellian mastermind that gains personal satisfaction of making a fool out them, despite the fact that they taught me I am not to say anything that goes against their beliefs. If I do, I'm only interrupted again. They callously trample over my words and then shove their own into my mouth.

I'm not loud because I want to be. I'm loud because I have to be. I'm an insect that must speak over the deafening voices of giants just to have a fighting chance of being seen as who I am.

But I don't even know who I am. My entire life has been constructed around what I must be, which is built by what my family thinks of me. They think I must be grateful and that I should execute my gratitude by being diligent, so I am diligent—not because that's who I am, but because I'm told to be. Once their puppetry eventually comes to an end by night, I am left a hollow shell with no defining characteristic of its own.

I wasn't meant to have a voice, and I wasn't meant to be sentient or have free will. Yet, I was given one as a cruel joke.

It feels like these people want a corpse. A corpse cannot speak, so the living acts as a mouthpiece. A corpse is incapable of doing things of its own free will, so the living acts in its stead, doing things they think the corpse should do. CTB is just giving my family and those around me what they want. After I die, they can appropriate my voice and make me say things I'd never say, and they will be free to do the things they've always wanted to do while hiding under the disguise that it's what I would've wanted them to do. I wouldn't be able to stop them anyways, just like how I can't stop them now.

I'm just a corpse that's somehow still breathing.
 
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Dejected 55

Dejected 55

Enlightened
May 7, 2025
1,115
I am at the center of a maelstrom of swirling pain and numbness.
 
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Tord

Tord

Student
Jun 11, 2025
177
Debating becoming an adrenaline junkie so I can see if I'll even feel anything.
 
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darksouls

darksouls

Enlightened
May 10, 2025
1,228
my mother treated me like her personal doormat
I despise that soulless old woman
she is so disgustingly smug
no sense of wrong doing
no conscience
she is doing well
she haunts me in my nightmares
she haunts me in my thoughts
she has enslaved me mentally and emotionally
how can I free myself from this monster?
 
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F

fatty44

Member
Aug 2, 2023
41
I feel an irrational calmness I usually do when it's getting night, quiet, dark and peaceful outside and I will be falling asleep soon, with the chance of me not waking up again.
 
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D

deletednumber

Enlightened
Apr 29, 2021
1,604
Mi porto dentro un dolore enorme.
Enorme.
 
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Lyn

Lyn

Momentary
Mar 1, 2025
278
Feel drugged. Hopefully will black out soon to pass another part of my existence being unconscious.
 
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darksouls

darksouls

Enlightened
May 10, 2025
1,228
I demand the non-existance
I do not want to be reborn
I want suffering to finally end
 
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Cavalcade

Cavalcade

Member
Dec 16, 2024
74
I'm actually genuinely so fucking upset and angry that some of the people who ruined my fucking life keep trying to intrude over and over and over again into entirely different communities I joined to GET AWAY FROM THEM. Just leave me the hell alone. Can't I have this? What's your fucking damage? Why are you enjoying tormenting me so much? Why do you keep insisting on forcing your way into social groups that I've desperately fled to? And it's humiliating, and an agonizing spilling of my guts, over and over and over again to people to please believe me, please- it makes me look crazy and sensitive and it's so fucking upsetting. I threw away my entire life and social circle and you people can't fucking leave me alone? Leave me alone! At the very least, there's one person who understood and immediately believed me, who said she wouldn't work with or associate with them, but holy shit it is profoundly fucking exhausting. IT'S BEEN A YEAR! LEAVE ME ALONE!
 
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ChosenUndead

ChosenUndead

Member
Jul 3, 2025
10
Tired. I've been staring at this computer all day trying to study for my last final. I have to get up early tomorrow as well. But a part of me wants to just stay up. Besides, the overwhelming dread that has been creeping in this week with the knowledge that I'm going to have to wait in order to continue this program is making it hard for me to relax. I still haven't found a job yet that would hold me over in the mean time. I haven't stayed up to sunrise since I was at my nana's last year. She passed in January.
 
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Grog

Grog

The answer is blowin’ in the wind~
Jun 3, 2025
355
These past few weeks, I feel like I've had a resurgence of joy in my heart that I haven't felt for a long, long time. I feel so much more comfortable lately too. I feel so understood, accepted, and cared for. ☺️
 
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Anura

Anura

Member
Dec 8, 2024
29
horrible, tired and completely sick of myself.
 
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D

deletednumber

Enlightened
Apr 29, 2021
1,604
Mi sento come una vittima sacrificale
 
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EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
5,162
I don't get why I am the way I am. I never struggled in life. I had a good childhood, no major health issues, not mentally ill, and so on, yet I turned out like this. Yesterday, I was thinking about seeing the counsellor again, since whatever weird funk I was in for the past few days has passed, but now I'm not sure. What would even be the point if I don't have any real issues to begin with? It doesn't make any sense. I probably will start seeing them again, since I don't want to risk my mom finding out about me not seeing them and getting in trouble.

I'm a spoiled brat and a complete burden on my family. I'm so tired of this. I don't get why I always make things harder and more frustrating for everyone around me. I'm so fucking stupid that I probably won't even end up graduating from uni. I want to die so badly, and I can't because of all of this shit going on right now. I feel so fucking lost. I don't know what to do.
 
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Dejected 55

Dejected 55

Enlightened
May 7, 2025
1,115
I am buried way way deep inside, looking ut into the world through those eye-holes in my head, like the distant openings of a cave I am hidden inside. The world outside is strange and frustrating, sometimes a little scary, and always disappointing. Everything I try to touch or interact with results in pain so I retreat further inside my cave. Nobody sees me in here. Nobody hears me cry or scream. Nothing I say or do matters in the slightest to anyone or moves the needle at all in how my life progresses. I am cold and lonely and it is so quiet inside my cave, but so noisy outside and I try to block out all the noise. Sometimes I don't look out the holes in hopes that maybe if I ignore everything then everything will go away and I will cease to exist. But it never works. Everything horrible is always out there, waiting, and even though nobody cares or notices me somehow I know that if I do anything but hide, I will be hurt all the same.
 
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EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
5,162
My mom is such an annoying bitch. One of these days I'm going to snap and beat the shit out of her. I'm tired of listening to her pretend doting mother act. It makes me want to kill myself right now just to spite her.
 
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Unsure and Useless

Unsure and Useless

Drifting Aimlessly without Roots
Feb 7, 2023
364
I feel like I'm going insane. I don't know if it's because I've already given up on life, which gives me a "unique" perspective on life, but I feel like I'm noticing things that I shouldn't be noticing. I know that I'm not the only one seeing what I'm seeing. The probability of that is literally impossible. However, I feel so isolated that it certainly feels like I'm an outlier for noticing this one simple fact: we are running around in a circle, one that we often uphold ourselves.

I try to forget this everyday because I get significantly more depressed once I remember it. It makes me feel like another small, wretched creature who cannot escape this constantly repeating maze. It's like living in PT.

Learning about Internet trends is my hobby. I've had unrestricted Internet access since the day my brain could remember things, so it fascinates me to see how it evolves as time passes. For the most part, it's a relatively tame hobby. I like seeing 2010's Creepypasta and scene culture turn into 2020's MHA and e-boy/girl culture. However, while just passively learning about the latest beauty trend, I was forcefully reminded of the aforementioned fact that time is truly just a circle.

Every single time a beauty trend where absurdly skinny bodies are glorified wanes, suddenly that one person online, who yapped about how fat people are ugly piggies and that you should shame yourself into losing weight, starts talking about body positivity. Of course, your first thought would be "Oh, so they have changed as a person and developed a healthier outlook on their body's appearance", but nope, that's a bit too optimistic. Because the moment skinny bodies are back in vogue, that same person would go back to using AI filters to make themselves look fat so that they can, once again, call fat people pigs 'n such like the unoriginal human they are.

And this is just one example! It's happened to things as (relatively) harmless like fashion to things as serious as mental illness.

It drives me crazy—not because trends are recycled, but because it just frustrates me seeing people spout a whole lotta nothing. They complain about mental illness, insecurity, and the damages that societal pressure have on people, yet turn around to perpetuate the same systems encouraging these things. And this happens. Every. Single. Time!

I can't keep defending humanity to myself at this point. With every little bit of knowledge I learn, I gain one reason to have faith in humanity and fifty reasons to call for a meteor to wipe humanity out. Honestly, it has me acting like a misanthropic caricature until I forcefully, and metaphorically, lobotomize myself with whatever slop social media serves me.
 
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EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
5,162
God, it just hit me that I have even less freedom than your average teenager. She treats me like a fucking child. She keeps on talking about us trying to move out of this apartment together when I graduate, but I don't want to live with her. I have basically no fucking freedom. I feel trapped. It just makes me want to kill myself more as a way of fighting for some semblance of freedom. God, I'm such an embarrassment. Imagine being in your 20s and still living with your mom and having less freedom compared to a fucking teenager. God, I feel like I'm going insane. I hate this. Even my little brother, who is 14, has more freedom and more of a life than I do. I'm so fucking pathetic.
 
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Lexandro

Lexandro

Member
Dec 3, 2024
15
Tired, anxious, sad, angry, lonely.
 
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