Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[EvisceratedJester]

He took himself off the transplant waiting list and claims that he can't put himself back on it again, meaning that his is going to fucking die! I can't wrap my around why he would so this to himself! Like why?! A part of me wants to threaten suicide against him. This isn't anything new and I've never acted on those urges before, but this time I'm actually considering doing it for the sake of trying to get him to at least attempt to put himself back on the waiting list. I know it is wrong and selfish and, thankfully, I'm too much of a coward to act on those urges, but I don't want him to die. I love him too much! I mesdage him at least once a die! I don't want him to he gone! Why would he do this! I am so upset right adn I don't know what to to! I hate this so much! I don't want him to die! I don't want him to fie I don't want him to die! Why would he do this to himself! I still don't get it! He keeps on talking about having too much to do and whatnot but I don't get how that explains him screwing himself over like this! I don't fucking get it! I don't know what to do


Edit: he says it's not worth it and rhat he would rather just die. I know that it's hypocritical of me to be upset with his decision since it is his body at the end of day, but I hate it so much. I don't want him to go. Messaging him is one of those little highlights of my day and knowing that I might not be able tk do that one day makes me upset. I don't want him to go.

 

[MyDeath88]

I'd like to stop.

 

[Dejected 55]

The most alone and isolated I have ever felt. I feel so far back inside my skull that when I think it echoes. I look out around me from way back inside my skull and everything seems so far away. I can't even imagine or dream of finding a place to belong or a person to belong with. Everything about society and most people seems completely alien to me and nearly unfathomable. I sometimes still wish I could understand, have someone with me in my life, but I know these things are impossible. I just sit here draining of energy and willpower and hope and longing for the day when the only thing I have motivation for is the end.

 

[EchoWanderer77]

confused

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I don't want to see the counsellor anymore, let alone any of the mental health people or doctors at my uni. I don't need this shit. I'm fine. The issue is that my counsellor will probably contact my dad if I try to cancel our next appointment or if I try voicing that I don't think I need counselling anymore. It's my fault for admitting to having these thoughts last session and claiming that I do think I still needed it despite them. WHY DID I CLAIM THAT? My mom will be
pissed off if she finds out that I don't want to do counselling anymore but I don't need it. Nor do I need to see a stupid psychiatrist, nor do I need to see someone about counselling in the community, nor do I need to see someone from accessibility resources. I don't need any of this. Why did I get myself into this mess? I don't have any actual mental health issues! Why am I so fucking stupid!? I don't need this shit! I don't need it at all! Now I have a shit load of unnecessary appointments next week and I hate it! Why do I keep on screwing myself over! My counsellor wants to go over our safety plan because they are concerned over my safety, but I don't even need a safety plan! It's not like could do shit to myself even if I wanted to since my mom is always around and even if she wasn't I don't care! I don't care about my safety! I don't care about any of this shit! I hate all of this shit! I fucking hate everybody! I don't want to do any of this anymore! I don't like any of this and I want it all to end but I'm not allowed that for some fucking reason and it pisses me off so fucking badly!

 

[Grog]

I take way too long to text because I'm stupid and I always want to make sure I find the exact right words… and now she's probably asleep and now I am mad at myself because I love talking to her so much lmao~

 

[Bowerbird]

My birthday is within the next 2 months. My family and such (who im not as close to) will probably start to see notifications on Facebook about my birthday, see me tagged in posts, etc, and realise I am trans... this is it. I am cooked. They are gonna start to catch on. Fuck

In particular worried abt my MAGA boomer dad. He will be disappointed when he finds out what I am now. Not if, when. Bc Sooner or later he's gonna find out. I'm a freak, a monster, a disappointment. At best he will mourn, as to him its like his daughter passed away/was stolen away from him and brainwashed, and is basically gone/doesn't exist anymore, i will feel like a ghost spectating him mourning over his daughter who is gone, and he will never accept that I'm still here, just a different person now. I'm just ded to him. At worst, he will hate me and be disappointed and want me to rot. He might try to do something bad to me, he knows my address, or maybe his mental problems could relapse.

He's very conservative, while I am rather progressive, yet I also inherited a lot of his brain chemistry and traits and its surreal how similar I really am to him. idk man. It gives me existential horror.

 

[purplesky9]

I want my life to go back to what it was like before. Before I had so many problems. I have no hope for the future now. I have made so many stupid mistakes and I can't change them. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm really scared that I won't be able to kill myself and I'll just have to suffer for what feels like an eternity.

 

[tychai]

it's been about a year since I've last been here. I moved recently and ever since I moved I've been a wreck and every trauma that followed me before is catching up now that my brain has a safer space to actually process things. it's pretty unpleasant. ive been more impulsive and exhausted and dysfunctional and my poor friends are trying to help and i feel bad for them that they're wasting their time on me. they deserve a lot better than me. ive isolated myself to try to lessen the amount of time they are exposed to my mess but i know thats not the healthy thing to do for healing and i know all my friends would prefer to help so it all feels like one senseless problem created by my own head and i end up hating myself more. hopefully my brain will correct itself soon so i can actually do the right thing and just stop being so hopeless about everything, my friends deserve better than to worry about someone who could be doing better if they didnt have such a defective brain.

 

[Dejected 55]

Exhausted, confused, tired.

 

[Higurashi415]

Confused. My mood jumps from one extreme to the next. If meds actually worked I'd be the perfect subject. I'm not ready to completely give up, but nevertheless I can't seem to find a way forward. My feel isn't good enough, my playing isn't virtuosistic enough, I'm not creative enough, I'm not intelligent enough.

 

[thaelyana]

It's 1:23 at my place and I feel half-bad half-good!! I feel like I'm drowning, literally: body sensations etc, but at the same time that I calm down. It's funny :)

 

[SchizoGymnast]

Broke

 

[wham311]

I'm just trapped in the absolute worst life imaginable. I fucked myself up too much to be able to do sn which is my only realistic shot.

This is horrific.

 

[Cavalcade]

Stupidly, I checked. The fact that they reached out after half of a year, and a year respectively, just pissed me off more than anything. I guess it at least reaffirms that I made the right choice, in the end.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Imagining myself standing on the ledge of a tall building, hair blowing in the wind, no sadness on my face, just tiredness.

 

[Dejected 55]

A little nauseous for the first time in a few days. I had stayed up all night Friday night and worked in the yard for about 4 hours Saturday and then slept about 3 hours after taking a shower in the evening. I was up until 4am this morning and then slept for about 12 hours today before getting up about an hour ago. Just now realizing I am nauseous. It happens. Otherwise, I'm as depressed and disillusioned as ever. Still have a lot more yard work to do... not going to talk about that, it makes me depressed for different reasons. Basically, you can't even be depressed and neglectful without getting in trouble for something you didn't do.

 

[fenty]

fed up - i have a million things to do: i have a new job placement tomorrow, i have to put in orders, i'm volunteering abroad and i have a huge exam i can only take annually and i haven't even revised. and im just so fed up i want to sleep forever and do nothing else

 

[wondering&wandering]

Scared. Spiraling inside myself while trying to undo it so it doesn't show. I've temporarily lost someone of immense value, but I'm afraid that temporary state will turn permanent. Trying to undo it will just cause more hurt (especially for myself), so I can only hope and wait to see how it turns out.

I want to be social, but I also want to withdraw. A deep hard part of me wants to lash out at others... and I kinda already have... And the soft part wants comfort, which I feel won't come unless asked for, which at that point will be perceived as fake.

Idk, life is just too confusing. I want this life to be over, plz.

 

[Seered Doom]

Sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick
Had really bad stomach pain all day and night and wish can die right now, but physical pain go aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

[sukiduki]

i feel kinda sad that when i die, you won't know. it hurts and sucks to knwo you dont think of me. and by the rare chance you somehow heard of my death, which i doubt your friend who is my friend's friend will tell you, or idk if my friend will even tell her, but if she ever found out and did ever tell you- it sucks to think it won't affect you at all. you being so ready to drop me, to cut off communication, to withhold your feelings from me, i was nothing to you. when i die it will be in part bc what happened between us pushed me to the edge i needed to be pushed to to realize i really have nothing and no one in this world. i'll nevver have love. i will kill myself. and you won't care. the world will go on. i am nothing and unworthy

 

[Grog]

I had so much fun tonight~ now I'm tired and I'm ready to get cozy in my bed, and wake up and do it all over again tomorrow~

 

[Dejected 55]

I am sleepy and physically tired and sore from some yard work. I am depressed that I even have to do the work. You can't even be depressed and neglect things without getting into some kind of trouble. Now after a lot of work, and maybe not halfway finished, my battery for my mower has a problem or maybe the charger and I can't afford to replace either so now I've put in a lot of work and exhaustion physically and still might get into trouble even though I tried. Everything always falls apart when I try. I am better off not trying. These kinds of things just reinforce my thoughts that exiting this world is going to be the right decision. So much horrible and new things drop on me weekly if not daily. There is nothing redeeming about this world in my eyes, no reason to have ever been here in the first place and no reason to stay. I want it to all end.

 

[exciccil]

Ready to die, almost as if I just need a final push. I'm preparing and finalizing plans, but it's hard not to act on impulse. However, I know impulsively hanging myself won't be painless or fool-proof. Fuck.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Decided to drink this vodka soda I bought a few days ago. Did not realize that it was vodka soda when I first bought it, but to my surprise, I was able to down the whole can. It's definitely easier to down compared to normal vodka. I wonder if I should one of these days buy a few cans of them and try to go on a drunk crash out again, like last time... I can't for now since my mom is home most of the time due to her still looking for a job. I'm not that happy right now but I am not spiralling either. My counsellor wants me to find someone whom I can bring with me to our next session for our safety planning because they are worried due to my thoughts spiralling a lot, along with me sometimes acting on impulse. I don't think that I'm mentally unstable or anything, but I guess I understand why they are concerned. If I had a gun right now I'd probably use it to blow out my brains, lol. Sometimes I think about mixing substances together, but I don't have access to that many psychoactive drugs so there isn't much I can do. It's probably for the best, but I still find myself wanting to do it. Not because I think that it would be fun or anything (with the exception of maybe trying out shrooms and weed together), but mostly because I want to go back to screwing myself over. I hate having her around so much because it makes it harder for me to self-destruct. My counsellor also described some of the stuff I told them about my mom having done to me as being "abusive", but I don't think that it's abusive. I don't hold myself to the standards of others. If I were in her position, having to raise a little piece of shit like me, I would have probably have tortured them and then killed. I wouldn't kill them quickly either because that would be too kind. They would have to suffer a slow and painful death, because that is what an ungrateful piece of shit like me deserves. Imagine spending 9 months pregnant only to give birth to a complete joke. I don't even have the right to be the way I am today. Nothing bad ever happened to me growing up! I was basically spoiled from the moment I was born! Yet here I am, on whining while on a site filled with people with actual fucking issues. God, why am I such an entitled piece of shit! I kind of feel nauseous right now, lol. I guess my body still hates vodka, even in its soda form. Sometimes, I don't even get why I bother going on here. It doesn't matter where I go, I always feel like an outsider. Even when people try to accept me with open arms, I always still feel out of place. I don't know why I, for a while, allowed myself to be deluded by the idea that maybe I could at least feel okay with myself. I'm a piece of shit, and even back then I knew that those feelings of being alright were only temporary. Everything good is temporary. I'm ugly, my personality is trash, I have no skills, and I'm a fucking idiot. Everyone around me who claims to love me doesn't love me. They love the idea of me and they are so attached to that idea of me that it keeps them from confronting the real me. In reality, I'm a spoiled, selfish, rude piece of shit.

I'm going to go brush my teeth and go to bed.

 

[darksouls]

people in real life are really hell

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Decided to drink this vodka soda I bought a few days ago. Did not realize that it was vodka soda when I first bought it, but to my surprise, I was able to down the whole can. It's definitely easier to down compared to normal vodka. I wonder if I should one of these days buy a few cans of them and try to go on a drunk crash out again, like last time... I can't for now since my mom is home most of the time due to her still looking for a job. I'm not that happy right now but I am not spiralling either. My counsellor wants me to find someone whom I can bring with me to our next session for our safety planning because they are worried due to my thoughts spiralling a lot, along with me sometimes acting on impulse. I don't think that I'm mentally unstable or anything, but I guess I understand why they are concerned. If I had a gun right now I'd probably use it to blow out my brains, lol. Sometimes I think about mixing substances together, but I don't have access to that many psychoactive drugs so there isn't much I can do. It's probably for the best, but I still find myself wanting to do it. Not because I think that it would be fun or anything (with the exception of maybe trying out shrooms and weed together), but mostly because I want to go back to screwing myself over. I hate having her around so much because it makes it harder for me to self-destruct. My counsellor also described some of the stuff I told them about my mom having done to me as being "abusive", but I don't think that it's abusive. I don't hold myself to the standards of others. If I were in her position, having to raise a little piece of shit like me, I would have probably have tortured them and then killed. I wouldn't kill them quickly either because that would be too kind. They would have to suffer a slow and painful death, because that is what an ungrateful piece of shit like me deserves. Imagine spending 9 months pregnant only to give birth to a complete joke. I don't even have the right to be the way I am today. Nothing bad ever happened to me growing up! I was basically spoiled from the moment I was born! Yet here I am, on whining while on a site filled with people with actual fucking issues. God, why am I such an entitled piece of shit! I kind of feel nauseous right now, lol. I guess my body still hates vodka, even in its soda form. Sometimes, I don't even get why I bother going on here. It doesn't matter where I go, I always feel like an outsider. Even when people try to accept me with open arms, I always still feel out of place. I don't know why I, for a while, allowed myself to be deluded by the idea that maybe I could at least feel okay with myself. I'm a piece of shit, and even back then I knew that those feelings of being alright were only temporary. Everything good is temporary. I'm ugly, my personality is trash, I have no skills, and I'm a fucking idiot. Everyone around me who claims to love me doesn't love me. They love the idea of me and they are so attached to that idea of me that it keeps them from confronting the real me. In reality, I'm a spoiled, selfish, rude piece of shit.

I'm going to go brush my teeth and go to bed.

Mmhm, yeah, I diagnose you with a bad case of the mama bears! *hugs* Life seems really tough for you rn, honey, I hope it gets better, okay?

 

[darksouls]

I was forced to go in the outside world
the most Germans are very agressive and antisocial
what a horrible society
you cannot imagine how stressed I feel
I am totally exhausted

 

[prettysurethistime]

Tired, angry, heartbroken, resentful.

Fuck everything.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

For the last two days I've been feeling better than usual and for some reason I fucking hate it! I want to continue to regress for some reason. It's not like I've been feeling great these past few days, just slightly better than usual. More passive suicidal thoughts and not as many as I usually have per day, only feeling a bit depressed and empty rather than having my thoughts and emotions fluctuate between depressed, frustrated, determined, upset, etc. I'm also not having the same fast-paced self-destructive and suicidal thoughts that I was having before. I hate it! I don't know why, but I don't want to get better. I want my mental state to worsen! I understand that it has not been that long and that my mental state will naturally vary a bit from day to day. I know that this is normal and I've experienced this before and I usually end up going back to feeling terrible not too long afterwards, but it still bothers me!