Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[purplesky9]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to en

Hurt, alone. My partner has been ignoring my texts for the last couple of days. He's my only friend.

 

[unknown1918]

Craving some intoxication rnnn

 

[Dejected 55]

Still headache and nausea today. I haven't eaten since early yesterday. I have no real interest in food. I don't have much interest in anything really.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I want to shoot myself in the head. I don't get why this is, but my suicidal thoughts and desires will sometimes just randomly start to get stronger, then dampen, and then get stronger again. The same goes for my self-loathing thoughts and self-destructive urges. At the very least, they aren't right now bad enough for me to feel like I have to work to try and not act on them. Sometimes they get so bad that I find myself having an extremely strong urges to just act on my suicidal and self-destructive tendencies and I have to work hard to fight against it. It probably helps that, due to how I was raised, along with my mom being home all the time due to still looking for a job, I find it a bit easier to not act on them. It's like there is this sort of barrier that keeps it all on. On the downside, because of this barrier, it leads to me feeling worse and sometimes leads to those thoughts and urges strengthening. It's like continually filling a balloon with water until it is on the verge of bursting. I remember regularly feeling this when I was younger and it has worsened now that I am an adult. I think that part of why is because, when I was younger, I didn't feel like I had the same level of freedom compared to now. I'm still pretty sheltered and my mother does smother me sometimes (to the point where her friends have called her out on it), but I also have the ability to do things, like buy alcohol and weed, and sext without having to worry about getting in trouble for distributing CSEM (minors cam get in trouble for distributing csem of themselves), and so on.

Along with that, when I was younger I used to also feel more obligated to be a good girl and stay out of trouble due to my having a constant fear of being a burden to my family and them getting tired of me and eventually abandoning me. Now, as an adult, I don't care as much anymore. I still often find myself thinking about just seeking out and running away from here and living on the streets or something.

 

[Dejected 55]

Still haven't eaten since early Saturday. Headache and nausea were worse today. Stayed in bed for more than 14 hours to try and get some sleep and not really caring about getting out of bed anyway.

 

[Grog]

I wish I could take people's problems away so they wouldn't have to feel so badly anymore…

 

[wham311]

Still headache and nausea today. I haven't eaten since early yesterday. I have no real interest in food. I don't have much interest in anything really.

I am so jealous of the non eaters. Only dopamine I get and only thing to do is eat, I have fuçkign ballooned with no sign of stopping

I wish I could take people's problems away so they wouldn't have to feel so badly anymore…

Come shoot me in the head :)

I wish I could take people's problems away so they wouldn't have to feel so badly anymore…

Come shoot me in the head :)

 

[Namelesa]

I just feel so overwhelmed with everything. I worry no matter what, its never going to be enough to feel better. I don't know what I want at this point aside from death. Everything feels like I just do is so I provide something to others or just to feel less awful. Anything i will do will eventually become more and more empty and less fulfilling. Games, friends, work, whatever it is will become that way. I will never feel whole.

 

[Grog]

I'm feeling over the moon today~

 

[Dejected 55]

Depressed, dejected, wishing every night that I don't wake up the next day so I don't have to worry if I'll have the courage to go through with self-exit in a couple of months. Finally ate something late last night/early this morning, just because. Still not eating nearly enough because I have no real appetite and food all tastes meh to me. I have no reason to live, no reason to do anything. It is so exhausting just to get out of bed for any reason. I wish I could be in a coma. I have nobody and that is killing me. I feel like I could do things, be someone, I don't mean someone famous. I don't want fame and wealth. But I could be someone important to someone else, and maybe be happy... but I can't have that. Just that one little thing. I can never have it, and I want so bad to just be gone right now.

 

[ImnotCTB]

Sleepy and hungry, pissed that I have to leave despite it

 

[Bad Karma]

a little out of place. like my thoughts are walking ahead of me and i am trying to catch up but everything feels blurry. i keep forgetting what i was doing even while i am doing it. nothing is exactly wrong but nothing fits quite right either. it is like waking up in a dream that looks like my life but something is just a little off. i am trying to be present but my mind keeps slipping through the cracks.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

If the situation in the United States continues on its current trajectory, I fear that there's going to be an uptick in hate-crime-related shock/gore videos. (The commenters on those types of sites will feed from and into it as a phenomenon—they always do.)

 

[Grog]

I feel really happy, but also a little concerned... I worry about the people I care for a lot haha~

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I want this all to end so badly. I woke up and felt kind of down, and now I'm starting to feel my mood plummet further. My counsellor wants us to reassess and further develop our safety plan because they are concerned about me acting on my self-destructive and suicidal urges. God, I fucking hate this. I also just realized that I forgot to mentioned that I tried out the breathing exercise for the TIPS thing they suggested (not that it helped that much). I want to die so badly. I hate all of this. Sometimes, my urges get so bad that I stop caring about how it will probably affect my family and my thoughts go from passive to active. I keep on thinking about hanging myself or throwing myself in front of incoming traffic.

On a lighter note, I downloaded this custom widget maker and used it to make some cute NSO widgets. Now, my home screen looks very cute.

Here are a few of them

I really like the character design for Ame-chan/KAngel

Anyways, I'm going to go back to trying to distract myself from own thoughts...

 

[Grog]

Feeling down on myself… stuck in a negative headspace… thinking I'll never be good enough for someone else… trying to feel better lol~

 

[lifeisadream]

Feeling depleted of the desire to carry on living, which is probably the same as others feel too. Tired of simply existing with no hopes, desires or dreams left. Fed up of feeling alone in a planet full of billions of people. Basically everything just feels black. Whinge over.

 

[Grog]

Crying tears of joy because I don't deserve such kindness lol~

 

[wham311]

Still just no shot at living a happy life of ctb. Stuck in this limbo.

Don't get why everyone says I look fine through pictures and no one will look me in the eyes in person.

Very much alone, no one will talk to me bc my energy is so bad. Best friends from decades ago, homeless ppl that are worried about me.

Communication skills completely gone, don't know why I can't talk anymore. No ability to improve because no one wants to talk to me.

I really wish there was a path forward or a way out and there's neither.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Crying tears of joy because I don't deserve such kindness lol~

Oh, dear, you always did. It's just more powerful because you went through so long without it. Mama's so glad you got it, and you deserve every single bit, honey pot.

 

[Britney Spears]

maximum ctb

 

[carebare@2000]

I'm calm

 

[Dejected 55]

Mostly feel like I'm floating inside my skull, looking out through the eyeholes at the world going on around me and accepting that not only am I not part of that world, but that I have never been part of that world. I do not belong here. I can pretend for a while, but only until it hurts too much. And I can't afford to be the hermit I wish I could be and block out the world altogether. So, I just sit in pain and misery and long for what could have been, knowing it will never be.

 

[Dark Moon]

Depressed because I wasted a ton of money recently.

 

[bunnybird666]

I feel more alone than ever even though I technically do have a partner. He only sees me once a week for a couple hours in the middle of the night to sleep with me. I should end things but I feel like this is preferable compared to not having him in my life at all. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I hope I can get some sort of medication as I've been abusing Benadryl to sleep. I feel so tired and unwanted.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

He took himself off the transplant waiting list and claims that he can't put himself back on it again, meaning that his is going to fucking die! I can't wrap my around why he would so this to himself! Like why?! A part of me wants to threaten suicide against him. This isn't anything new and I've never acted on those urges before, but this time I'm actually considering doing it for the sake of trying to get him to at least attempt to put himself back on the waiting list. I know it is wrong and selfish and, thankfully, I'm too much of a coward to act on those urges, but I don't want him to die. I love him too much! I mesdage him at least once a die! I don't want him to he gone! Why would he do this! I am so upset right adn I don't know what to to! I hate this so much! I don't want him to die! I don't want him to fie I don't want him to die! Why would he do this to himself! I still don't get it! He keeps on talking about having too much to do and whatnot but I don't get how that explains him screwing himself over like this! I don't fucking get it! I don't know what to do


Edit: he says it's not worth it and rhat he would rather just die. I know that it's hypocritical of me to be upset with his decision since it is his body at the end of day, but I hate it so much. I don't want him to go. Messaging him is one of those little highlights of my day and knowing that I might not be able tk do that one day makes me upset. I don't want him to go.

 

[MyDeath88]

I'd like to stop.

 

[Dejected 55]

The most alone and isolated I have ever felt. I feel so far back inside my skull that when I think it echoes. I look out around me from way back inside my skull and everything seems so far away. I can't even imagine or dream of finding a place to belong or a person to belong with. Everything about society and most people seems completely alien to me and nearly unfathomable. I sometimes still wish I could understand, have someone with me in my life, but I know these things are impossible. I just sit here draining of energy and willpower and hope and longing for the day when the only thing I have motivation for is the end.

 

[EchoWanderer77]

confused

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I don't want to see the counsellor anymore, let alone any of the mental health people or doctors at my uni. I don't need this shit. I'm fine. The issue is that my counsellor will probably contact my dad if I try to cancel our next appointment or if I try voicing that I don't think I need counselling anymore. It's my fault for admitting to having these thoughts last session and claiming that I do think I still needed it despite them. WHY DID I CLAIM THAT? My mom will be
pissed off if she finds out that I don't want to do counselling anymore but I don't need it. Nor do I need to see a stupid psychiatrist, nor do I need to see someone about counselling in the community, nor do I need to see someone from accessibility resources. I don't need any of this. Why did I get myself into this mess? I don't have any actual mental health issues! Why am I so fucking stupid!? I don't need this shit! I don't need it at all! Now I have a shit load of unnecessary appointments next week and I hate it! Why do I keep on screwing myself over! My counsellor wants to go over our safety plan because they are concerned over my safety, but I don't even need a safety plan! It's not like could do shit to myself even if I wanted to since my mom is always around and even if she wasn't I don't care! I don't care about my safety! I don't care about any of this shit! I hate all of this shit! I fucking hate everybody! I don't want to do any of this anymore! I don't like any of this and I want it all to end but I'm not allowed that for some fucking reason and it pisses me off so fucking badly!