Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[PinballWizard39]

In pain. I shouldn't really complain as I did it to myself but I have full thickness burns on my leg and whilst that isn't painful itself, the swelling really is. My leg is twice the size of the other one and every time I stand up, the blood rushes down it and I yelp out expletives for all to hear.

 

[FrownyFace]

I hate every single thing in my life and I just want to give away all my stuff to someone who will appreciate and then just die. I hate it here and I hate myself so badly and I feel cursed

 

[3/4Dead]

So very tired. Ready to quit. Everytime a new obstacle comes my way I just get closer and closer to taking the dive and dying now. I know I need more time, more planning, but christ it's just too much. maybe tomorrow will be better.

I need to start taking my sleeping medication,
not a related thought but still

 

[PinballWizard39]

Me and my sister used to be really close however since at least last year when our mum died, we've become quite distant. Saying that though, I do try to keep up the contact, message her, call her etc, but she either ignores it or just gives the shortest reply. She used to be the only one in our family who always had my back when it came to my poor mental health but now, for quite a while anyway, I get the feeling like when I'm not so good, she's very much like 'Oh, she's just having another one of her episodes, she'll be fine' and then never really bothers about me. One of the reasons I've not spoken to her about that side of things for ages is because I think that's what she thinks. However, I did try opening up to her over the past couple of days but she's pretty much ignoring me, not replying to my messages and when she does, it short and blunt sounding. After she ignored me again last night, I told her I needed my sister right now, and she's ignored me again. It's just all confirmed how I feel - like I don't matter.

 

[Surreal]

Calm, not scared. Almost everything is uninteresting to me. It's all so predictable.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm starting to get the urge to fall back into my self-destructive habits again. I want to do all of the shitty things I was doing just months back and more, from cutting and SHing to doing weird sexual things for random men online. I hated doing all of it and I was always left feeling shitty afterwards, but I find myself wanting to do it again. Sometimes I find myself wanting to fallback into even older habits, like starving myself (something I did back when I was in high school because I wanted to be skinnier before I died, despite already being thin). I don't plan on giving into those urges, despite a part of me deep down inside wanting to. A fucked up part of me misses it.

 

[Seaghost]

I'm stuck in my life.
After five years of silence the bureau wants money back. A four figure amount.
And after the really bad last week Im becoming to weak for this life again.
I get no answers to my questions. And I understand why some people become criminal because life is is criminal to you too.
I'm so fucking tired.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Guilty. Been on here a load more in recent days and ended up piping up out of place in a few threads and just never know what point I'm trying to make or wanting to say - just wastes peoples time, or highlights how privileged/entitled I am and reminds me how ridiculous it is that I kick off so much about such trivial stuff. Just get back to being busy and just 'getting on'. I'm all grand when I need to be and I'm not throwing my arms about unnecesarily attention seeking and making a scene for no reason.

 

[Steff1337]

A bit of anxious and tired, but overall ok, better then most times.

 

[fleetingnight]

I have so much to do. It's all for nothing, because I'll ever accomplish anything, but I guess I'll be trying til I die
I slept for the first time in three days today. I want to repeat that, and I still have so much to do, but I'm already getting tired again. I kinda of want to give up, sleep, and regret it tomorrow

 

[Guy089001]

It's a lot more peaceful here than everywhere else in my life at the moment. I feel inexplicably drawn to death since I attempted in April. Just a lot better. Thanks everyone.

 

[sunflower_sunset]

I just watched the guy who racially profiled and abused my friend for years be signed to a rugby first team and I just don't understand why people get the best of this world when they don't deserve it. good things only happen to good people (the philosophy i adopted a while ago) so am I missing something?

 

[NullSz00]

You know what? I think I give up...

 

[1043169]

I think I don't deserve to eat that I'm too fat.

 

[Lostandlooking]

I've been very anxious. So many things going through my head. The particulars of some things I have to arrange, people I need to see, people I need to talk to, the exact things I should say in each of these circumstances. Also afraid that at any point someone is going to trigger me, or that things will not turn out well.

Today I had to call someone about making an appointment. They said they would get back to me because they needed to check their schedule. Waiting for something like that feels like torture. I was scared to go to the toilet because maybe they would call back at that exact moment. I hate that feeling. It's like being stuck, in a state of freeze maybe? At that moment, all I want in the world is for them to call me back with some sort of answer. Everything else stops. The suspense is so painful. And that lasted for hours. Pure torture. Doing slightly better after they finally called back.

 

[Lullaby]

God, I genuinely hate people. Probably now more than I've ever had.

My SI has been getting worse with my birthday coming up, and I'm convinced that I'm finally going to CTB within the next few years at least. I'm just tired and I don't want to spend my 30s like I did my 20s and well before that as a kid as well. My first attempt was when I was 11, so I'm just over this.

I decided I wanted to try ECT and set it up on my own. I had my first session on Tuesday and it was crazy. I walked into super depressed because I had cried all that morning and when I woke up from my procedure, I felt really good. They even added ketamine into the treatment and I think that's a big help.

The problem I'm having is I need someone to escort me home, even through I'm lucky enough to have medical transport. Literally no one wants to; not my parents, family, etc. I have absolutely no friends or anything.

It's just excuses and they've made it seem like they have better things to do or they don't feel like waiting or stuff like that.

My dad has a seizure and I'm always called last minute. I have to travel 40 minutes up to his city through public transportation, go to the hospital, take care of his dog. He wanted me to dog sit for him last year, with a few days notice and blew up at me because I couldn't.

No one ever wants to do anything I want for my birthday, so I have to do it alone, which is whatever. But this? It just really hurts and I'm so angry.

I have to cancel my next session for tomorrow because I can't find anyone and now people are starting to ignore my calls…I just feel like crying.

I'm never doing anymore favors for anyone ever again after this.

I'm really trying to make an effort despite wanting to die, and everything is still thrown at me from different directions.

 

[enduringwinter]

Suddenly remembered my favourite musician/actor CTB by jumping, it has been so long and I have always solely focused on just his art I forgot it almost. All of a sudden the brutality of the jump becomes so clear to me, it's making me lightheaded. The excruciating andrenaline of the fall, beautiful flesh all splattered on concrete. I have watched people die irl before but never so vioIent. In an age where we are desentisised to everything, how many of us really registers the kind of pain that leads to such desperate death?

 

[Maravillosa]

I feel stuffed (overate Lindt milk chocolates after going to dinner at El Pollo Loco). I also feel like I have to pee, but I don't want to get up.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I googled the words 'Sodium Nitrite' - in the most basic sense to see what info it came up with (I'm paranoid my team might find out I have SN and I just wondered what would come up on the first page of google if they googled it). It came up with the wiki page which blatantly referenced 'Sanctioned Suicide' as the website behind a lot of suicides. I'm sure a lot of you are probably away of this but I didn't realise it was so blatant. That got me thinking, if my team do find out I have SN, I'd probably want to delete my account on here in case they come looking for me on here.

 

[Rocinante]

Every day is a constant cycle of ups and downs. My irritability has become increasingly worse as time continues on. I wish I could get rid of the need of other's attention. Negative feedback loop. I should probably go through with it and deal with the depression that entails.

 

[fleetingnight]

Pain.
Wish me luck that this edible kicks in quickl;y. But it's my last one, so once it wears off, I might have to sleep off the day

 

[delora]

Ungrateful.

Oh, to have everything and enjoy nothing.

I'm no stranger to the word, but its circumstances are very different this time. I was once expected to show unwarranted gratitude toward someone who never did anything good for me. Now... I am being ungrateful toward a person who does all the good expecting absolutely nothing in return. And I don't think he even notices or reflects on this, but I do. A lot.

There's a specific kind of anguish about knowing that technically, you just shouldn't be feeling a certain way. It gets to a point where it makes no sense. It goes against what we are taught, what the world promises us, or what the mind uses to buy some time when you're running out of hope. You know, the old "just wait — because once you have this, achieve that, then the dread will go away". But maybe for some of us, it simply doesn't. Fighting to chase that life you've dreamed of, reaching it and in the end still being tormented by anxiety and sorrow... How disheartening.

Yet I am still here. That is something, though I'm not sure if positive. Perhaps not necessarily negative either, just... strange.
I do not know what to make of my own existence.

 

[moshimoshi]

Lonely

 

[Steff1337]

Mentally ok, but physically apparently I have some illness that's making me so tired all the time.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I just flat out depressed the man from the crisis team. I told him the pain I was feeling in my head is incompatible with life. He went silent and I had to ask if he was ok.

 

[BlendedHeart]

My stay-at-home job is starting to collapse. Once it totally fails, if I don't get another similar job, it's over. I won't go back out there.

I'm getting an intense pain on my left cheek due to a looming surgery I need to correct my face (and I don't really have the money for).

I'm somehow even more isolated (I don't even bother to check my phone no more).

I think all of those things will join and implode eventually and mark my doom.

 

[delora]

It's easy to tell if I'm spiraling because I get the urge to come back here and write about it. Scroll, read what others have to say. It's an outlet (and I am grateful for it).

The tightness in my chest is so exhausting. A lot of people seem to describe anxiety as this manic, restless state. But I've experienced the other side of it, when it is so overwhelming that it stops me from doing anything. I am paralyzed by it, watching the hours waste away. As Thom Yorke once said — not living, just killing time.

 

[Steff1337]

I feel physically ill on top of mental illness, which of course makes things even more difficult.
Another thing is that it's extremely hot these days, and I can hardly tolerate high temperatures.
Other then that, I feel relatively fine.

 

[CTB Dream]

Human rly awfl species all do frc sffr frc pain no stop rly awfl species rly awfl prolif natal, ya all ignr sffr prtnd no hpn any

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Finally got a haircut again ever since that perm a few months ago. Thankfully it's all gone now though people are already telling me they miss it.

I don't understand why they thought it ever looked good on me in the first place. At least with a boring haircut nobody will give me any undue attention I hope.