Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[innominesatanas44]

Damn I'm a fat fuck

 

[sukiduki]

thinking of trying to donate a kidney before ctbing

 

[carac]

Just thinking how worthless I am really

 

[idontfeellikeimreal]

I feel extremely love deprived but also overfilled with love. I feel confused and empty. I have such strong emotions but I also don't feel anything at all

 

[Dark Moon]

Feeling nothing right now, I don't want to be too open with emotions. I'm going to sleep soon, it's the closest I can experience to death.

 

[Not a Cylon]

I'm worried nothing can fix my condition and get me back to mostly atypical bodily functionality. I'm going to live the rest of my life in this fog state of mind, mourning what I can't have. All I want is to experience intimacy again, to feel like a person, to feel desired. I'm so tired of not feeling good.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Someone offered to refer me to a sales job in the same industry that I currently work in. I'm a technician (won't say exactly what I do and what industry I work in, for privacy) and the job can be physically demanding but is generally pretty safe and doesn't really require heavy lifting. Not sure whether to take the sales job or just go back to school. I already got accepted to a pretty decent school to study a major that is highly employable. Idk if I want to be working in sales. The pay can be better than what I currently make but it's commission based. At my current job, as long as I do things properly, I'm guaranteed to get paid what was agreed upon.

 

[Dead Horse]

I have become so alienated from the real world out there. I am almost a shut-in at this point and any time I go out, I'm filled with anxiety. Any time I walk among actual real people, I'm constantly thinking "Man, I don't belong in this world". Any life I have ahead of me, it's not going to be even slightly normal. I'm too far gone.

 

[PinballWizard39]

Suicidal thoughts and plans are becoming more imminent. I had planned for about 3-4 weeks time. Now I'm just wondering why I'm waiting. It's highly unlikely much at all is likely to change, at least not in my favour, and really, all I'm currently doing is wasting each day trying to get through it, just for another day to hit and have to get through again.

 

[etherealspring]

i hate going home, i hate my parents, but most of all i hate myself.

my parents weren't abusive towards me, yet I have just as many violent thoughts towards them as I do towards myself. i think about harming them everyday, it's torture being around them and i just want to run away.

i think both school and the internet ruined me for good. i don't think I'll ever recover, I'm too whiny and sensitive. I just wasn't made for this life, even though I have many close friends I always feel incredibly out of place. Nothing feels real, not even my own reflection. I hate my body and I feel disgusting in my own skin.

I hate going outside, all it does is drain me. but when i stay indoors, i feel like a caged animal. I'll never be satisfied with what I have, I know I sound ungrateful but I truly feel like dying is the only solution. I don't think anything will change if I leave.

I have no aspirations in life, no dreams, no desired career. I don't think I'd be able to maintaim a job, i can barely look after myself as is. I can't function like the average human being and I don't see myself improving anytime soon. I feel like the human embodiment of waste.

I just want to dissappear and slowly stop breathing. I don't want anyone to think of me. I want to be left alone. I don't want to be seen by those I care about

 

[Lady Laudanum]

It's impossible to be stupider than me when I'm drunk and coked out.

After downing some drinks and railing some coke, I crashed a bike that doesn't belong to me, and shredded my forearm on the sidewalk. Then when I got home, I accidentally put joint pain relief lotion (which burns like hell) instead of Polysporin on myself because I didn't read the label.

Yeah, I'm a fucking idiot.

 

[lacrimosa]

Numb and dumb, unable to make decisions. Like I've been frozen watching time slip by as the world works against me, grinding me down to a nub. I'm my own worst enemy, spoiled into oblivion with the comforts the western world has to offer. But at what cost? Sweat shops for my clothing... Slaughter houses for my food... I am the king of remorse and hell will follow me in the form of shadows, slowly driving me insane as my mental health deteriorates. I torture myself because of the guilt and shame of being so privileged and protected. I wish I was at war so I could die for a righteous cause, protecting others, standing up against an evil empire. But I remain frozen, too afraid to move, trapped in my mind.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I had an appointment with my care co-ordinator this morning. I utterly broke down and blurted out most of everything - (everything short of what my actual suicide plan was and that I come here) I feel mad at myself for telling her anything in the first place. She seems to actually want to help this time and asked the home treatment team to get involved. I only agreed so she couldn't say I wasn't trying to help myself, but I also told her I have no hope or faith in them because there is literally nothing they can do (aside give me the therapy I need), that would give me the hope that I need that would make me want to live. Also, I'm half expecting the home treatment team to refuse to get involved anyway, quoting their favourite line 'You aren't sick enough'.
Can you smell the ambivalence? I can. It comes from not actually wanting to die but knowing you have no other viable option.

 

[CTB Dream]

This wrld rly awfl no want stay

 

[PinballWizard39]

Waiting for the Home Treatment Team now. If I suddenly disappear from this site, you can safely assume I've been locked up. Doubtful though, but you never know.

 

[PinballWizard39]

The Home treatment team are making me feel worse than ever. They are pushing me towards CTB and hurting myself in general a lot quicker. I tried to ask for help with my self harm this evening and I was told in a 9 minute conversation to go for a walk in the rain. Why do I bother? I don't usually, I guess I just thought they might give a shit. I spent an hour on the phone with the Samaritans afterwards trying to bring myself back from the edge. I don't know why, I doubt contact with them tomorrow will be of any help. How hard is it to just fucking listen? And people wonder when I don't open up to many people. Just fuck off already.

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly awfl hot wthr make evap

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Misery. Depression kicking my ass. Exhaustion. All the meds in the world can't fix me. I've lost too much.
I will never be able to get it back. I don't know why I'm so afraid to CTB. I've had a method for years.
I don't want to hurt my parents but other than that, there is no reason for me to stay.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Shout out to my homies at Heaven's Gate.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I got hit by a car but it was going so slowly that it didn't even knock me down. The driver was drunk. Time to try and sue those bastards.

 

[mazam]

Cansado!

 

[ninfanatic]

Hopeful but hesitant, and a renewed sense of dedication.

 

[DraicKin]

So fucking alone. Painfully lonely and isolated from the world. While other people have plans with friends and loved ones for the weekend, I'm doing nothing as always and it's destroying me. I'm just so tired of being alive.

 

[Steff1337]

In a breakdown over my severe disability, and crying.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I gave myself third degree chemical burns because it was the only thing painful enough to pull me back from the edge of just CTB already. I don't know why I'm even fighting it anymore (CTB). I feel everything but nothing at the same time. I have the plastic surgery trauma clinic tomorrow to assess my burns better. Dickhead me decided hurting my leg would be a good idea but now I can barely walk or drive. Idiot.

 

[flunkky]

I'm at the eye doctors, i feel small, out of place, and most painfully alone.

I sat down in the chair where they scan the back of your eye, suddenly i wanted to cry so hard. Everything was suddenly so loud and overwhelming and i felt like a vein in the middle of my heart was being strung like an out of tune guitar string. I wanted to scream and cry and leave but still i stayed, taking it, keeping myself together.
There was silence for a bit after that, and i did the rest of the exams and lenses checks, then they asked me:
"Is it okay if we dilate your eyes today? We recommend all new patients do it!"
I didn't understand why they had to, i remember hating the feeling, it was already a shitty day and i just want to go home.
But wait
My home was just ripped from my bare hands, the person i felt at home with despite my horrible home life, they had left me. There was no home to go back to, no one even knew where i was, no one even knew i was gone, no one was there to tell me to be careful-- and most importantly

No one would be there to drive me home if i dilated my eyes.

And in that moment, i felt the smallest and most fragile i've felt in a long time.
No one was there for me, i was alone. No one was around to care or help.

And so, i said no, and as soon as they left the room i cried my eyes out.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

ive been keeping a schedule for a while now as suggested by my therapist just to make me do things and its meant i havent thought about ctbing for a while bc ive just been too preoccupied. it feels weird. i dont feel better about the future, ig ive just been too distracted to wallow in my own self pity. but i dont rly see the point. im still too useless to get a job. even though ive been "productive" im still just wasting time. idek why im doing it. i still dont want to be alive. i dont see a future for myself, ik im gonna be stuck living with my parents until either they or i die. that makes me feel like its not worth it. but tbh i cant be bothered to kill myself anymore, it seems like too much effort. but i hate living like this. i just feel so apathetic and empty. idk what the point of any of this is. i just feel like theres no point at all. but idk how to say that to my therapist, or if theres even any point in telling her. im just doing things for no reason and idk how much longer im gonna be able to force myself before i just give up entirely bc i dont see the point. im still just a waste of space. theres still too much suffering in the world. humans still suck. im still useless. whats the point. im losing contact with all my friends like i always do but this time i dont have anything like college to find new ones, so im gonna be completely alone again eventually. im not too bothered by that idea, i find people exhausting. but part of me rly craves just one deep connection with someone, but ik ill never have that bc of the way i am, so its useless clinging onto that idea. idk i just feel like theres no reason for me to be here. i genuinely am just a waste of space. not even in a self loathing way its just a fact. idk. my dog just farted again and it stinks of egg now lol

 

[Jabr0ni]

Exhausted. So exhausted of roleplaying as a normal, functioning adult.
I'm tired of pretending my emotions, pretending everything. I'm all alone in this fight even tough my family is the most loving one, for which I'm amazingly grateful, but at this point it does not matter at all.

I'm steamrolling through life and trauma. Lost my job due to depression and autistic burnout twice in one year, one additional time in a year prior. I take 2 days to decompress and right back to sending CVs and fighting for a pretended stability. Just because I want my parents to have normal and happy retirement.
I'd give away my organs just to feel like a normal human being for a day.

 

[Caleb82]

Abnormal. I feel abnormal

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

One minor setback and it feels like the world is collapsing. Not even really a setback, more of an annoyance. Something that I would have been able to just shrug off in the past, but now it feels overwhelming.

Don't even know why I'm so upset. I'll be gone by the end of the year, so it really doesn't matter.