Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[thebelljarrr]

Stuck. It's a disgusting world, nothing is interesting or worth the effort. I need to vanish, whatever how, painful or not, just erase me, I don't care

 

[NullSz00]

I want to sleep 5 more minutes...

 

[PinballWizard39]

I'm so tired of everything. I just want to sleep and not have to deal with anything. Or just not wake up at all. I'd be ok with that.

 

[real human being]

I truly, genuinely feel like the world will be better off without me. I really believe I'm a burden to everyone around me. I feel sorry for all those who had the misfortune to meet me, and I can't wait to die so that no one else will have to meet me, see me, hear me anymore.
Everything that could have gone wrong in my life, went wrong. It's like the world itself is trying to shit me out because of how worthless I am.

Extremely relatable. I also feel like the world is trying to shit me out, like I'm the crap of the world.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel okay I guess. I feel tired for some reason and I can't masturbate because I'm on my period, so that sucks. I had a headache all day so I took some Tylenol and it seems to be kicking in now. After watching a lecture for one of my classes and taking some notes I decided to go back through my online psych textbook from my first-year psychology class. I really like that textbook. I specifically went over part of the chapter on neurobiology, along with doing some additional research, as a refresher so that I could better understand an article that I read. A part of me wants to learn more about how the brain works but another part of me feels like I'll just end up confusing myself. I remember doing above average on the midterm covering this stuff (a lot of students talked about it being very difficult) despite having done a half-ass job at studying for it, but doing well on a test isn't the same as truly understanding something. I want to be able to truly understand and appreciate this.

 

[Promised Heaven]

I saw my first crush at my shift (retail) today. It's the first time I saw her in 4 months.

My crush was someone extremely close to me and the first person I ever confided about my SA. We had a falling out a few years ago and basically I'm both heavily comforted and highly afraid of her at the same time. She shops where I work and whenever she returns from university she goes there. As an employee obviously any sign of personal conversation will get me in trouble, though I don't want to talk to her anyway. I just take a glance and go back to work, but it only takes a few seconds to feel panic.

My heart was racing for a good 20 minutes and all the dissociation I felt completely vanished. I could think clearly again.

At the same time about half of my emotional numbness is gone. Not fully, but I did finally cry. Not much. Just a few small tears. It felt nice, even though it came from pain. I laughed and smiled and felt happy and terrified. All I can think of is the memories that were once fun. I play arcade games today because of her. I miss her smile and hugging her. But I know it's not her anymore, she is different now.

I realize a lot of my emotional distress can be temporarily reduced or even eliminated if I had an IRL friend. I mean I do, but the last time I spoke to them was the day I confided in one about my SA in March. Still nothing.

Man I need IRL friends. It feels so good. Bonus points if I can hug and platonically cuddle them with all the good future memories. I don't think a friend itself is suicide prevention, but the memories and experiences may.

I don't know what I'm saying, my sexuality is in shambles...

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm feeling like a stupid pathetic coward.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I don't have the energy to function. Physically I feel utterly exhausted, to the point walking to the shop 2 mins away leaves me needing to lie down. It is very unusual. I just want to sleep the days away and hide from the world because it's incredibly painful being in my head. I really need to talk to someone but I feel like it's all pointless anyway and it won't fix anything. I am filled with suicidal thoughts and urges as well as self harming ones - weirdly they are getting worse because my latest injury, albeit my most serious injury, is now starting to heal. That scares me because they never feel bad enough and I've been going too far for a while now and it's not going to be long before I'm going to end up with an arm amputated or whatever. I still don't feel like a 3rd degree burn is all that bad? What is wrong with me? Will anything ever be enough? Probably not.

 

[YuunaTsuki]

对不起，即使我知道这样不好，但还是告诉你们
我想要杀人，杀了我的小学老师，因为他强奸了我

 

[BlendedHeart]

When I finally ctb it's gonna be on a Saturday night. That's when the world reminds me of my loneliness the most, when my brain tortures me with thoughts of sadness and loneliness. When my depression is at its highest.

It's just a f'ing day like all the others, but these stupid concepts still hurt. Only the thought of non-existence makes me smile in times like these.

 

[lemonbunny]

embarrassed to exist

 

[terra.nuvo]

I've been thinking heavily about my past and more specifically my past friendships. Most of them are over and done with yet they're all I can think about sometimes. Mainly my friendship with my old best friend who I fell in love with. I feel lke my friendship with him has shaped how I view the world now. I don't feel connected to anyone or anything. I'm unsure of myself and lack confidence in the things I do. I have no personality. I'm just overall a shell of a person. The friendship took everything from me and it makes me so mad. Why do I have to hurt while he's moved on from me completely? How could he just move on? He once told me that he would always love and be there for me but now he's gone and all I'm left with is the pain of losing someone who once said I was their highest priority. I wish he never told me that. I wish he didn't start telling me that he loved and needed me cause then maybe it wouldn't be this hard to get over him. I have so much anger and resentment towards him because of the things he said to me. And then in the end he told me that he didn't mean any of it. That it was all just a lie. How crazy is it that I've ruined my life and myself over a lie from someone who isn't even in my life anymore. I let those lies warp who I was. I started smoking, cutting class, failing in school all cause I didn't feel loved anymore. And he'll never know the extent of what his words have done to me. What I've done to myself honestly. I'm just so mad at him and I want to see him hurt as much as I do, but I also still love him. How could I love someone who told me they lied to me in such a profound way? How could I miss someone like that. How could I want him back in my life and feel like I'm missing out on something. I hope someday I can get over him and move on with my life. But for now I'm still stuck in the pain of losing him and I have to learn to live with it.

 

[Heartaches]

FUCK
I just started having a panic attack in the bathroom a couple of minutes ago, thinking about my present and my future. I feel I've failed so much and I don't have a clear path for my future. I've been working with my therapist regarding this topic for many months, but I still don't have an answer.

I don't get it, why do people willingly live this eternally doomed life? What do they see worth in? How do they find strenght?
I have no hope for myself, I'm just extending my miserable existence for no real reason. I don't wanna suffer anymore. The weight is killing me.​

 

[Promised Heaven]

Got stood up by someone who said multiple times they were coming to hang out with me.

Yesterday, a girl who I once crushed on I haven't seen in months shows up on my shift. Today, the girl who stood me up me at the arcade around 8 weeks ago came to me almost crying for leaving me. Odd coincidences. While we work in the same building, I quite literally have never seen her again until today.

I feel super weird about it. I'm still suffering from emotional numbness and talking to her in the past would make me feel super happy and clear. But I'm not.

She wants to make it up but I'm busy for the next few weeks. She said she'll write me a letter apologizing again? Me being upset to her ended up hurting her with pent up energy. She said she wants to know me better and maybe become friends, and it's nice being around someone with better mental health then her.

Let's hope she doesn't ever find me on SaSu. It's all bringing on a weird feeling I can't name. I need a hug. A real once, not those fake ones in online chatrooms. Sorry guys.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I left work early and I'll probably explain why in a new thread later. I'm about to go get drunk on Chili's frozen margaritas because I'm a waste of space just like the thread I make is going to be a waste of forum data.

 

[innominesatanas44]

I had a dream that I was in the woods at night with only my phone as flashlight and livestream and finding pieces of a dead womans body. The one time I feel real interest in something for years and it's just a dream. Real world is dull and boring

 

[pole]

broken and unloveable.

 

[moshimoshi]

So overstimulated everything is too loud everything is too much I want to vomit

 

[Pancake1230]

Can't sleep because I'm anxious for work tomorrow. But if I skip any days this week (possibly even if I dont), I might not have rent. If I don't have rent, I'll get kicked out f my cousins house and have to go back with my mom.

I would rather ctb than go back into that shitty messy household, where I'm just treated like a wallet, where I don't matter. Plus I have have a new baby brother, but I have bad sensory issues and I cannot stand hearing babies cry. I spent most of my teen years being parentified I swear I can't do it again.

Everything feels like too much. Ctb is the main thing I have to look forward too. Wtf is wrong with me

 

[soonitwontbea]

I'm feeling shitty and annoyed. I have a site that I like to vent on, but there's someone who has added me on social media and we're buddies, but he doesn't understand that I don't always want to say every single thing to him always, and he thinks I am not his friend if I ever don't want to say a single thing to him. He is mostly off that site by this point, but sometimes he will go back on there, and then he confronts me about what I posted. He's trying to help, but he doesn't really get it.

 

[Niyxx]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

I feel worthless and unloveable, discarded and lying just bleeding on the floor. My heart feels like it's being carved out but I feel empty, and it's too tough so the knife has to hack at it to break through. My brain feels overloaded and fried, I feel like nothing at all. Invisible

 

[Promised Heaven]

Physically happy, my mind subconsciously feels happy, I don't consciously feel happy. I feel numb.

I really don't want to resort to SH again but I'm fighting my own mind to feel any strong emotion or sense, I got the blades somewhere to do it. All food even tastes numb, except for these elderberry vitamin drops, it's a really strong flavor and actually makes my taste buds explode. Why specifically that...

I'm so numb. Luckily not dissociated but all these emotional overwhelms basically led me to not feel anything. I'm struggling, admitingly. I'll be alright. I'm hurting and can't tell anyone outside SaSu.

I really, really, don't want to CTB. I'm tired of being alive. I want to recover. I'm so lost...

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Sometimes, I think about just quitting this fucking site. I barely relate to anyone on here anyway, so not like it would be that much of big loss for me or anything. Bet some users will probably rejoice over it, lol. I don't like myself, most people (once they truly get to know me) don't like me in general, and I'm pretty sure that that old dude might be falling out of love with me. Can't blame him. I'd be disappointed if I were to fall in love with someone only for them to turn out to be anything like the sad sack of shit I am, lol. I'm bored and I still find myself fighting against my urge to self-destruct altogether. I want to get a knife and stab myself over and over again. I love my parents but I also hate them for giving birth to me. I hate being alive. I hate existing. My life isn't even that bad yet I can't help but hate every second of being alive. Basically, I'm just upset about all the bullshit I usually complain about, so nothing new to see here.

Not that long ago, I convinced myself that deep down inside there was a better me. One who was actually happy. They were in touch with their emotions and they were so open-minded. They said that "everything is connected", but not because they wanted to sound deep. They said it because they felt it and words cannot describe how wonderful it felt. They didn't care about what others thought about them, they were completely at peace with who they are. I convinced myself that if I worked hard enough then maybe I could fully uncover that version of me while sober, but maybe that me wasn't hidden inside me at all. Maybe they were just a symptom of being high. Maybe I'll never be anything like them. Maybe I'll always be this, a broken, spoiled, idiotic sack of shit who just constantly makes a mess of everything they lay their hands on.

Maybe I'll just go out and get high on some weed tomorrow, I don't fucking know. Guess that'll depend on how long it takes for me to take lecture notes.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Was chatting a bit with that old dude. We were having a pretty nice conversation this morning. I asked him something and it's now been over 20 minutes and he hasn't responded back. Did I offend him? I didn't mean to. Maybe he fell asleep or maybe he's in the washroom at the moment? Idk. Sometimes I wonder if I might have slight attachment issues. I remember checking my phone everyday, hoping that this one dude would reply back to me while thinking about whether or not he might have just decided to stop taking to me altogether. I'd check his profile nearly everyday to see if he was on that app. We weren't even reslly friends. He was just some 40-year-old who messaged me asking for boob pics. We did chat for a bit, but for some reason I became oddly attached to him. Eventually, after I started to send nudes to other men, I moved on. I usually have to remind myself that I don't actually have attachment issues and that I'm just overthinking something that is just a normal part of human behaviour. Still, I find myself constantly worried that he (the old dude) is going to grow tired of me.

Sometimes, I imagine finally meeting him in person and allowing him to do whatever he wants with my body, even if it ends up hurting me. I really love him a lot. He makes me happy. I shouldn't be relying on others for my happiness. I know that the appropriate response to if he ever leaves me is to just accept it and to be thankful for the love he allowed me to experience. Still, I can't help but find myself constantly worrying about him leaving me.

Constantly worrying won't get me anywhere, and my tendency to ruminate will only cause me to fall into a state of sadness. I know this, but I can't help but constantly find myself worrying and ruminating. I'm learning to cope with it a bit better and I have been noticing slight changes in how I view situations and the world around me. Still, there is something so comforting about the idea of going back to my old destructive ways. There is something so enticing about that negative, volatile, disgusting place I was in before. I think a part of me fetishizes my own past self-destructive behaviours. I think sometimes people like to romanticize their own pessimistic and self-desturctuve ways. We are constantly presented with this idea of this cool, mysterious, attractive person who spends their time trying to destroy themself. People like to act as though being cynical equates to being smart. We make out this idea that being broken is somehow deep, even though it isn't. I'm an idiot for falling for this crap, and I'm an even bigger idiot for having to urge to fall for it again.

On my trip, my mom and I were getting ready to go to this island. While we were getting ready, my mom asked me this simple question that, for some reason, caused me to freeze up and become too scared to answer. Took fifteen minutes for her to get a response out of me and I wasn't even being truthful. I just agreed with one of her guesses so that it would all end. At some point, she got frustrated and claimed that I was being "manipulative". Her accusation of me being manipulative left me feeling a mixture of anger and hurt. Those feelings followed me up until we got to the ferry, where I decided that I wasn't going to let her get in my head and ruin this trip. I was able to fight off those feelings and have a really good day all on my own. I remember feeling proud of myself for doing that. I know it's stupid, but I felt proud of myself for just letting it go.

If I was able to let go of those negative feelings back then, then why is it so hard for me now? I guess it's easier to look past one incident in comparison to looking past years upon years of pent-up negativity. Someday, I'll hopefully get to a point where I don't have to go through these feelings as often anymore. For now, I'll have to learn to find ways to cope with them I guess. I don't want to be like the me I am right now when I die. I want to be a better version of myself. I've felt miserable for so long, I don't want to die feeling that way.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

It feels like I've lived in a chain reaction that's slowly but surely pushing me towards death this past year. I'm losing everything that's important to me - including myself - piece by piece. Everything is falling.

Yesterday I lost the only two friends I'm still in contact with. Losing him has been an ongoing process that started a couple of months ago. He's been more and more self-absorbed, more and more paranoid, more and more petty and competitive. In his own words: "cruel". I've already accepted that I would lose him eventually. Losing her... I just gained her. I've known her for years, but it took until just over a month ago until I really got to know her. And she's awesome. Losing her is going to be so much harder in a way. Losing them as an entity, and therefore all sense of safety I had left... It's going to hurt. I've set a date for August, but I don't think I can go on for that long. Not after this. I'm scared the last piece of the puzzle, my beloved cat, is going to be lost for me to.

Forced myself to go to sleep for most of the day. Vivid nightmares. Want to sleep more, can't stand to be awake. I can't sleep. I'm fluctuating between cynical apathy and deep anxiety. I've begun to fear that I'm losing my sanity.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Well it's been over a week since I unwittingly took a nicotine pouch while drunk. I'm not a regular user of nicotine at all but I can already feel the withdrawal symptoms increasing. I have been very irritable as of late. Last time this happened was a few years ago when I tried one of my friend's vapes and I didn't even know it had nicotine in it so I spent the next month or so going through withdrawal without knowing. I don't really have any urge to get anymore but these symptoms do suck.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I'm so broken and haunted by regret. What the hell have I done? I'm so scared.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Desperate

 

[Hibernation]

Im really tired im off work for two weeks... i couldnt get out of bed today ive struggled to clean the house just feel anything. Im bleeding all the time for no reason im just so tired. I dont feel i have much of a relationship with my boyfriend hes either at work or uni i feel like a constant bother to him and he only comes to see me for sex ive deleted whatsapp so i dont have to talk to him. My daughter got sent home from school struggled to make her tea she just goes straight in her room when she gets home.ive just drank because thats the only thing that makes me feel better and ive got back into bed cant concentrate on watching anything i cant wait till its dark to go to sleep.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I made the mistake of calling the mental health crisis line a couple of nights ago. I don't know why I did it. Or maybe I do. I don't want to die but there is no other option anymore as I can't access the help I need. I need long term trauma therapy and the NHS is in such a mess it can't provide it and hasn't provided it in the past 25 years that I've needed it. I can't keep living like this. I guess I'm just trying to decide if I act on those thoughts now or after the pitiful 12 sessions of therapy I've been given (8 remain). The team called me on Monday and asked me loads of questions about my suicidal thoughts but I just kept yelling 'it's doesn't matter because you can't fix it'. I feel like I'm losing it. They told me to call them if I can't keep myself safe. Why? That conversation would go like this: ' Hi, I really want to kill myself'. 'Ok, have you tried distraction?'. Fuck off. Why would I call if I decided I was going to act on them. I'll literally just be saying 'I'm going to kill myself.' That doesn't look attention seeking does it, so no, I won't be calling you. They are calling me tomorrow and as much as I just want to say how fucking not ok I am, there is literally no point at all. I don't want to do it anymore, I can't do it anymore, not when this is as good as it gets. And so, I shall just tell them what they want to here. Let's be honest, any excuse to not deal with patients and they're all over it.
I do have massive amounts of ambivalence, of course I do. If the help were available, I wouldn't even be in this mindset. But the fact remains, this is as good as it gets for me.