Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 19,399
Bleh. That's how I feel. My mom just dragged me to some weird nightly church service in hopes of "saving me". She isn't aware of my outright suicidality but she does seem to be picking up that I've been especially depressed and anxious lately. I'm sure she'd actually think it was quite silly if she knew I was feeling like this over some girl she might not even approve of and not what she thinks I'm suffering from. She's under the impression that I'm just feeling like this due to trauma alone. I literally don't give a fuck about the trauma from my dad and stuff right now. The only "trauma" that matters to me is just getting rejected by the women I've been attracted to and of course everyone should know that's not real trauma. Nobody should care if some loser incel male gets rejected by a woman. That's his God-given lot in life. It's only traumatic to me because I'm such a piece of shit for getting affected this much by rejection instead of learning to just fucking get over it like a real man should.
This pastor from Uganda was there at the church and I guess that's the main reason my mom wanted me there. All the people in there did was sing slightly off key and ignore me falling asleep. One thing that kind of disturbed me was the speaking in tongues they were doing. I don't know if my mom converted to a different sect of Christianity or something or maybe she's gone fully crazy but most of the people in that service were babbling utter gibberish that made me pretty uncomfortable the whole time. I don't remember this being a part of church service at all and I used to go a lot as a kid so what changed? Also I thought speaking in tongues is supposed to be a thing only demons do? At least that's what it seems to be in all the movies.
When the pastor actually went up to me, he put some oil on my head, made me repeat some stuff, and then claimed that the demons plaguing me had been cast out in fire. Simple stuff. Too bad I don't really feel all that much different. I suspect it might be because the only demonic forces lurking within me are just myself. I mean I'd love to cast out the evil parts of me but that would just be the same as killing me. I'm pretty sure God can see posts on online forums so if you're reading this bro, just know it was a nice try but you're gonna have to do better than that. You know what I'd need to actually not want to die so much and it's a girlfriend. Even if that's not the right answer you should already know that giving me one is the only way I'd even get closer to finding the real answer. I know why you don't give me one though, it's because nobody has committed enough sin to deserve the awful punishment of having to be in a relationship with me. I understand. Just let me die in peace bro. I already know your threats of hell and purgatory are already bluffs because if you're really as omnipotent and omniscient as you say then you'd know that the afterlife from the ending of The Good Place is already the perfect system which means I have nothing to worry about really.
This pastor from Uganda was there at the church and I guess that's the main reason my mom wanted me there. All the people in there did was sing slightly off key and ignore me falling asleep. One thing that kind of disturbed me was the speaking in tongues they were doing. I don't know if my mom converted to a different sect of Christianity or something or maybe she's gone fully crazy but most of the people in that service were babbling utter gibberish that made me pretty uncomfortable the whole time. I don't remember this being a part of church service at all and I used to go a lot as a kid so what changed? Also I thought speaking in tongues is supposed to be a thing only demons do? At least that's what it seems to be in all the movies.
When the pastor actually went up to me, he put some oil on my head, made me repeat some stuff, and then claimed that the demons plaguing me had been cast out in fire. Simple stuff. Too bad I don't really feel all that much different. I suspect it might be because the only demonic forces lurking within me are just myself. I mean I'd love to cast out the evil parts of me but that would just be the same as killing me. I'm pretty sure God can see posts on online forums so if you're reading this bro, just know it was a nice try but you're gonna have to do better than that. You know what I'd need to actually not want to die so much and it's a girlfriend. Even if that's not the right answer you should already know that giving me one is the only way I'd even get closer to finding the real answer. I know why you don't give me one though, it's because nobody has committed enough sin to deserve the awful punishment of having to be in a relationship with me. I understand. Just let me die in peace bro. I already know your threats of hell and purgatory are already bluffs because if you're really as omnipotent and omniscient as you say then you'd know that the afterlife from the ending of The Good Place is already the perfect system which means I have nothing to worry about really.
and good thing your pants weren't ripped! yep a sliding fall is something I'm familiar with - I'm quite clumsy and have 'performed' such a thing when trying to save my glasses when when falling jogging. Hope the Dilaudid helps drown out the voice. But yeah there's many a glitch in this matrix of a world 
I'm currently waiting for a benzo to kick in to try to get some sleep and shut my brain off. Take care of yourself
