Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[starless]

I feel as if I'm grasping for a reason to keep going, for something that I feel I could safely both want and enjoy. As it stands, the closest thing to wanting something I feel right now is a longing for my consciousness to just stop.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

I fuckin grabbed the wrong baggage

 

[Placo]

There is nothing we can do.

But to let go.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Got stood up by someone who said multiple times they were coming to hang out with me. I'm so numb from videogames to even feel sad anymore. I don't know what else to do since summer is coming and can't hide any potential SH. I just feel numb. Numb. Numb. But not numb enough not realize I'm numb. I was so excited and scared and hyped myself for nothing. I'm forgettable, I'm forgotten. I'm just that random guy nobody cares about unless they want someone to hate. I just want to not be alone...I want someone to talk to about niche interests and hang out and just have fun. My words have more emotions then me, I'm just numb.

 

[Ulrich]

Trying to get things in order does not help. I feel I'm slowly regressing. I don't have interests in anything anymore. I live for the dopamine rush. I cannot see the pleasure in life. My head hurts. I have no right to be here.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm in a really good mood right now. I just sorted out some stuff with summer courses and my suspension and re-enrollment. I'm really proud of myself for not running away from this mess. I'm also really proud of the fact that I was able to talk to the Academic Advisor, even if it was while I was tripping. I still need to start off small before I can do these things while completely sober, but the fact that I was still able to talk to her makes me happy. I'm going to try ordering pizza while sober on Monday. I really need to learn how to interact with others.

It's been a good day so far. :)

 

[trashprincess]

I want something bad to happen to me...

 

[Kimlett]

I feel so fucking tired. This is getting ridiculous. Every time I feel suicidal I have to try to stay calm and remind me the good things and the people that love me, or distract myself somehow, and then I feel a little bit better, and then I feel suicidal again, every single fucking day.

I wish I could sleep at will and choose to sleep for months until I starve. I wish I could binge eat until I have a hearth attack. I wish I could fuck up my health by eating junk food without becoming morbidly obese, just being rotten inside and collapsing in a couple years.

 

[inferiorpisspot234]

I still plan on taking my own life. It's just that my perspective on it has changed. Before I wanted to because I hated myself and felt like a burden. I've felt misersble and depressed for most of my life. Shrooms have helped me change my perspective on things and fix my mindset. Now, when I do get to that point where I'm ready to take my own life, I want to feel at peace with myself. I want to be happy and I feel like I'm at a place where I can finally take the steps to do so.

They can help with suicidality though. I have heard of cases of people discussing how psilocybe helped them with their suicidality. If you ever consider trying them and I'd advise to be careful. The first time I tripped on them I was complete mess. I think I even ended up making a thread on here where I was I constantly switching between happiness and despair. The second time was also a mess, but not nearly as bad. It wasn't until the third trip where I was able to finally get the hang of keeping myself in a good headspace and I was able to actually take the time reflect on myself and my own feelings. Since then, my trips have only been improving in quality and I've been getting more and more out of them.

You could probably get similar results from meditation, but it'll longer.

In your case, Why didn't they make you less suicidal?

 

[MortalityScares]

I am not suicidal but I am depressed. My current situation is a little rough right now - family is currently grieving a loss. It is making me question my own mortality.

But I am also curious. Curious as to if there is an afterlife.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I failed, believed the plants were stuck in the vase against their will and screaming. I didn't want to hurt them, I just wanted to have a pretty vase. I was confused. The light on a machine started blinking and I thought it was confirming that the plants were angry. I can't trust the machines, I feel sad.

 

[inferiorpisspot234]

Really bad. Is life worth living during one of the worst times to be alive in the history of the world?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

In your case, Why didn't they make you less suicidal?

I don't know. It's not like I have thoughts about suicide as often anymore. I don't think I've had any of those "sucide thought attacks" since I've started taking them. Me wanting to take my own life is more of an active decision I've made based on the fact that I don't find much appeal in reaching old age, rather than it coming from a place of hurt.

 

[inferiorpisspot234]

I don't know. It's not like I have thoughts about suicide as often anymore. I don't think I've had any of those "sucide thought attacks" since I've started taking them. Me wanting to take my own life is more of an active decision I've made based on the fact that I don't find much appeal in reaching old age, rather than it coming from a place of hurt.

And How old are you?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

And How old are you?

I'm 21. Me not wanting to reach old age comes less from fear and more from just a lack of desire for it. I understand the beauty that can be found in growing old but it just lacks any appeal to me. Maybe my views will change in the future? Who knows? But for now, I don't have much of a desire for it.

 

[wCvML2]

Really disgusted by my physical body and can't let go of the visceral discomfort of living inside a decaying old meat suit. I think that having any organic body is horror by itself, let alone having a body that is failing. I don't know what's wrong with me, but some days, I can't look at anyone because I'm disgusted with the human body and feel nauseous from seeing people (and my own reflection). The only way I found to cope with it is to dissociate, but I don't know for how long I can keep this up when all I want is to not live inside any meat suit at all, so the only relief for me would be to die. This feeling is old, I had it for decades. It probably won't ever go away while I'm alive.

 

[clown_17]

Shameful. I want to obliterate myself

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Upset. No reason. Had andrink. Now watching disney animated films to distract. Im a fucking 'adult' in my 30s. Don't even know what I'm meant to do. Calmed down a bit but no fucking wonder I need to keep myself separate from normal reasonable 'adults'. Can't even deal with no responsibiities, feel like a kid curling up hugging a cuddly toy watching disney. Fucking ridiculous.

 

[trashprincess]

My unrepressed trauma is eating away at me, and I can't help but think there's a part of the story I'm still missing. Regardless I'm just hemorrhaging will-to-live at the moment

 

[Aesthetic guy]

The horror is crawling up on me and im so scared...

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Sunday Monday, Shatty Days
Tuesday Wednesday, Shatty Days
Thursday Friday, Shatty Days
My SN Comes, I Start To Hum
Ready To Die At Noon

 

[Promised Heaven]

I don't know what to do with myself...

Spoiler: Sexual Abuse

I was single digits, I didn't know what anything was. I didn't know those weird feelings. It's not "good touch" versus "bad touch", it felt good, and I shouldn't of felt it for my age.
Why? Why did this happen? Why didn't I know? Why? Why?
I was young. Nobody knew. Not even me. How did I forget it?
How can my mind register "abuse" when I don't know what "abuse" is?
I feel disgusted with myself, and no "Your trauma is valid" and "I feel sorry for you" is going to fix this.
I hate my body, I hate looking at myself, I hate just my being.
I shouldn't be on this site and yet I feel the need to because I want to be heard without the professional help route.
I was breaking but SA wasn't even discussed, years of therapy and they couldn't find what was wrong with me. They thought depression and me being an asshole.
Years and years of councilors and social workers couldn't find it.
I haven't seen a primary doctor since I turned 18. Just dentist and eye doctor.
I can't trust adults who were supposed to protect me.
And here I am, an adult.
I don't know how to tell people what happened, what he did. I don't feel "abused". I don't feel anything.
I want to cry but I'm too numb. I want someone to hold me. Someone who won't hurt me. I beg to be vulnerable again for someone without them hurting me.
Alas, it's just a dream.
Everyone IRL hates me. I can't speak up. I can't break the family. I can't hurt anyone anymore.
I need to shut up and live another day.
Until I finally had enough.
And leave this world with the burden no one will ever know.

 

[Final_Choice]

Tired, empty, just overall done, I don't want to keep going but I don't have everything as perfect as I want to leave it, but I'm just so tired and can barely keep going

 

[Unhumanly.]

I just met a lot of different people today, there's a thing that never go away from me when I'm in this situation, the way I forget myself when I'm surrounded by people and wonder why am I left drained

I can only meet a lot of people once in a moment and then go through a very long episode of isolation, I'm not the kind of person to be able to build a lasting connection, I'm just charming at first, not when known deeper

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm feeling pretty good right now. I got to go out for a belated birthday lunch with my dad and grandfather. It was really nice, plus the waiter was nice covered my dessert. I've been feeling pretty good lately. I've been feeling better than I ever have in a long time.

 

[Kit1]

Just want to be dead. Want the nightmares and flashbacks to go away. Can't keep living in so much pain and just want to be dead.

 

[Gl1tch3d G1rl]

Suffering, pain, needs to die, brain is toast, can't think clearly, tired, alone, overwhelmed, hate ppl, hate myself, fuck everything!

Just want to be dead. Want the nightmares and flashbacks to go away. Can't keep living in so much pain and just want to be dead.

I feel you, dealing with trauma is awful. I'm in pain too.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

I fuckin grabbed the wrong baggage
View attachment 133473

Update: Issue resolved

 

[Ulrich]

I have not slept yet. I cannot sleep. I cannot rest in comfort. I don't want time to move forward. I feel with each second closer to the future I regress into an animalistic state. I don't want to. I want to die yet I cannot, since I can't bear to think of the pain my parents will go through. I mean, any moral objection would simply disappear at the moment of death anyway, and yet I cannot help think irrationally. I want to die, yet I can never be granted it. I really just want it to end.

 

[Malaria]

It's so frustrating that people tell me they care about me, but then I often feel like they really don't. If they really did care, they wouldn't say such hurtful things to me they way they did. And I'm just so scared. I'm so scared that I'm going to continue having these problems, that human relationships will be too painful for me to have. I hate the dilemma of being lonely and wanting people but also being too afraid to take the risk to get out there and make friends. I hate it. I can't be with people, and I can't be alone. I hate this dilemma. I want to stop being afraid of people the way I am, but I don't know how.