Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Life_and_Death]

life just gets worse and worse. theres 3 problems with the problem i woke up to this morning
structural house issues
we cant afford this
this will most likely postpone my move....
i was so...fucking close

 

[Passersby]

I don't know why I don't desire to die. I'm sick of it all and I just sit here feeling terrible but I'm not researching methods or taking any action. I'm in limbo and it's terrible. I don't see any improvement in my near future, I don't know why I don't want to end it. In Fall 2020, I was so ready to end it all but didn't follow through. Life made so much more sense back then. Crazy how I can't get that motivation again.

I know what you mean. Ctb does take action, motivation, and get up and go. I wish I would have left a long time ago. Being trapped is no way to live. Zoned out and done. Talking the necessary steps of of debating and planning, while suffering in a crisis can be super hard. I like to view this as a long planned out ordeal with one big finale being ctb when the time is right. It does feel good when methods and everything is in order.
This is what we do though. This is how we live.

Not able to live and not able to die.

 

[👁️👃👁️]

Like a million bucks!!











burning in the flames!

 

[Foresight]

So much fear. I'm drowning in anxiety. I wish I could find a way through this anxiety.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Well... I got today information where my lovely friend's ashes are... Now I feel like I can finally try to handle this situation, but this is hard. My head is empty, I don't know what to do or think. I had long break from here because I tried to forget. Now I need to move on somehow. I don't want to be here, I want be with him. I love you always.

 

[Life_and_Death]

questionable regret???
i always said i didnt like things the way they were. that i didnt like the story and wish i could rewrite it. now youre gone. but what if you came back? we could restart, i could rewrite it. but theres no possible way you would come back. i shouldnt even let you, you ditched me.
and yet still i hold on. trying to let go i did the worse thing that i probably could do.
my tornado of thoughts and emotions just seem to grow. i feel like i have to push myself through the storm. the wind and rain pushing against me. i just have to keep going. i have to ignore the thoughts and emotions. i have to keep going. i have to kms. to get swept up in the storm, is to get swept up in the internal lies. just keep going

vaboh - im sick of trying

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I am completely out of it today. I feel braindead. If I were a coffee drinker I'd say I'd need coffee. I don't drink coffee though.

 

[PaperGodzilla]

out of my body

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So tired... Barely awake.

 

[Life_and_Death]

my mental illnesses have once again hit the breaking point and turned physical. i feel sick. i hurt. i feel like theres no one i can talk to, even though i know there probably is. i just dont feel like i can talk. i know people say i can but, im just better at silence. which is kinda of funny because all i do 24/7 is complain that im still alive.
i just want to cry into nothingness rn....sadly, i dont think thats how ctb works

 

[Life_and_Death]

trying to kms in game because i dont want to live that bad....

 

[Life_and_Death]

music..it was the last thing i had. the last thing that could pull me out. the last thing that was doing anything....all i wanted was for it to rescan the folder thats all i wanted....and somehow now i have no music at all. im not letting my husband touch things again. i just wanted to add some songs....it shouldnt have turned into a thing...

 

[Psycho Spider]

Feeling alone, invisible.

 

[CantGetUp]

Exhausted. Defeated. Truly hopeless. Even feel no hope I will be able to ctb. I'm extremely worried I won't be able to get sn. I'm mostly house bound and I need to buy a visa debit card so I can buy sn online. Which brings me further anxiety because an actor used it to ctb recently and I'm worried they will crack down more on it.

 

[nys]

I wish I could go back to preschool and make one tiny decision that could have changed everything. A teacher/assistant noticed a suspicious bruise on my upper thigh and asked me where I got it from. I was 4, but I still knew I should lie for some reason and said I fell, or I walked into a door or something (don't remember exactly what) and she believed me. I wish I told her the truth- I definitely wouldn't be in this situation now if I did. I would have had a much happier life.

There were actually lots of situations I wish I told the truth. I wish I didn't try to hide the inappropriate drawings I made in kindergarten from everyone else. If someone saw, I would have gotten help and the abuse would have ended. I wish I didn't lie to everyone about the self-inflicted bruises on my thighs when I was 10. I wish I didn't try to cover the scars I was making all over my forearms a few years later. If someone noticed, they could have saved me, but I didn't let myself be saved. Back then there was still hope. I could still get better. Now, even if I get help, I can never have a normal childhood or normal life. It's too late. This was all entirely preventable but I didn't take the easy steps to make it stop. I wish I could go back and just change one little thing I did but I can't. I hate this situation. It's really, truly, completely hopeless. There's nothing I can do now

 

[Apathetic]

I'm just defeated. I always thought that my feelings and unhappiness were due to me not trying hard enough, and giving up when circumstances got tough. But I've tried so hard this past year and tried to become the person everyone thought I actually was. And I am exhausted for it, being happy, or even just this modicum of happiness that I feel shouldn't be this hard, shouldn't be this tiring to achieve. How am I ever supposed to keep this up for years, decades? What's the point to it at all if I simply cant be?

 

[Life_and_Death]

its not impulsive if the same thoughts fill my head 24/7. impulsive, sudden, spontaneous. if i think about it 24/7, even when im "happy" then my suicide can NEVER be called impulsive, unless somehow the definition of impulsive changed to 'having the same thought for 10+yrs'

 

[Shivali]

Hopelessness

 

[Passersby]

I don't even know how to respond to bullshit like this anymore. Like people who totally disregard our suffering, fail to provide any answers like religion does and tells us we are going to go to hell for eternity and to remain conscious and suffer more forever. Why can't people respect the right to die? Why can't we just die and not be conscious? Nobody ever asked for this life anyway amd if we express how we want out then we are viewed as not right and going to hell. In other words born a slave and no freedom in living. What do you guys think?

 

[want2dienow]

Stage 9

 

[Sick of it all]

That I have plans, yet no end is in sight because I'm scared to take my life. I wish it were easier to overcome the self-survival instinct. I wish there was an easy way to CTB. My life crumbles around me and all I can do is watch and plan. But even the best plans are only as good as following up on them. I'm tired. So tired. I just want to sleep and never wake. I want all the pain to go away. I want what I can't have, sweet relief. The only comfort I have is to know that one day it will be over, either by my hand or naturally.

 

[want2dienow]

Death is liberation

 

[Lily (Osako)]

Confused

 

[PeacefulDreams]

I don't know, I don't feel much of anything.

 

[Life_and_Death]

kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me
EVERYTHING, EVEN BREATHING, is a struggle
just kill me...just a little bit of mercy in this fucking hellhole of a life.....please

 

[ojinzo]

That I wish I was Japanese or white

 

[Zegers]

A microdose of Modafinil gives me energy at certain times and reduces fatigue, i'll investigate further.

 

[Lefty]

Existenial dread.

 

[Seaghost]

Sleeping issues coming back. The heat with the high humidity doesen't make it easier.
Feeling exausted without a good sleep will be getting very special again.

My environment begins to "shaking" again. First indication of getting worse inside a me???
Seems I have to talk to my inner childe once more...hm

 

[Life_and_Death]

if you knew it was going to happen, why didnt you stop it.
i knew he was going to leave, i told our mutual friend months in advanced. i knew...and i didnt try hard enough to stop it