Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[outatime_85]

People have tried to reach out to me IRL, and these people tell me that I am not alone and that they care.

I guess they are "concerned".

As they speak, I simply hear the teacher from the peanuts.

At the same time, my mind is trying to process this. It tells me what they are saying is nothing but lies and platitudes that I don't deserve any sort of attention.

I am so broken that when I hear such things, I immediately shut down (one word, responses) and turn the volume down, so as to not hear the noise or what they are saying.

This is the same mind that keeps me up at night unable to sleep; the same mind that whispers to me, "Why are you still here, and why would they care?"

When the mind is so broken to the degree that one no longer thinks anyone can ever care, and that life has no value, what is left?

A vicious cycle

 

[Molded foundation]

I feel constant rage. I am the Molded foundation.

 

[Zegers]

High anxiety

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Awful. One bad day after another. I enjoy the days when I'm home by myself a lot more than when I am out at school, or any social interaction really. Does anyone else feel this way?

 

[Huntfish34]

I don't even know honestly.... Other than being numb, sedated and extremely lost. Not sure if I'm coming or going anymore,. Just sick and tired of being Sick and Fckn tired. Fml.

 

[nembutal]

passive . researching my suicide method like i'm checking the weather.

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

Awful. One bad day after another. I enjoy the days when I'm home by myself a lot more than when I am out at school, or any social interaction really. Does anyone else feel this way?

The most enjoyable moments for me are when I'm completely alone and can just pretend that the outside world doesn't exist even for a bit. Unfortunately, eventually reality intrudes and all of those negative feelings come back.
I don't have many responsibilities, but even the few that I do have are too much for me. I struggle to get started on even the simplest tasks and I certainly can't finish anything in a satisfactory manner. I'm just so anxious and tired of everything. The sad thing is that there's no one else to blame for all of this, it's all my fault.

 

[Cunanan77]

Desperation and sadness deep depression also a lot of anxiety

 

[Life_and_Death]

might as well just kms, im NEVER going to have any friends because guys are fucking assholes that only give a fuck about one thing, theyre sick assholes that only add fucking problems to the world.
and before someone gets pissed off at me, im typically one to not included everyone and this time thats probably accurate too but when youve talked to a shit ton of fucking assholes and every fucking one of them even "legit" friends treat you the fucking same, yeah, everyones kinda getting thrown under the bus

 

[WhatPowerIs]

The most enjoyable moments for me are when I'm completely alone and can just pretend that the outside world doesn't exist even for a bit. Unfortunately, eventually reality intrudes and all of those negative feelings come back.
I don't have many responsibilities, but even the few that I do have are too much for me. I struggle to get started on even the simplest tasks and I certainly can't finish anything in a satisfactory manner. I'm just so anxious and tired of everything. The sad thing is that there's no one else to blame for all of this, it's all my fault.

I feel you and relate to all of this completely and totally. Especially the last sentence: I have nobody to blame but myself. I am my biggest enemy. I keep myself going by telling myself that there are points in my life where I am at least able to enjoy my own company. Is it the same for you?

 

[Lullaby]

Another day/evening of crying. I'm genuinely just so tired of this.

I'll have a day or a few hours where I can disconnect from my emotions long enough to forget about my problems, but it always comes back.

I've had this intense low for the last 6 months and it's the worst my depression has ever felt. I have this slight hope that I'll wake up the next day and things will slowly start to improve, but it only ever feels worse.

I hate my circumstances, I hate the people around me, I hate the ones that made thing significantly more worse for me this year for their own selfish reasons, I hate that I keep trying despite all of this and I'm not making any progress.

Tired of it all. Fuck this life.

 

[thinkkank]

feel hungry. must eat chicken-wrap.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Keep thinking about the mother from Sopranos. "Life's all a big nothing."

 

[Celerity]

I can't stop thinking about this girl I used to know. I realize she will probably never speak to me again, but I keep hoping she will even though she was cruel to me. I wish I had more self-respect.

I wonder if she thinks of me. I doubt she even remembers my name after a year. I served my purpose to her.

 

[Dead Ghost]

Hopelessness, disappointment, inevitability, loss, sadness, tiredness... sick of it all but too exhausted to do anything.
//
Desesperança, decepció, inevitabilitat, pérdua, tristesa, cansament... fart de tot plegat però massa esgotat per fer-hi res.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

EMPTY!!!! There is no gas in the tank.... Not even fumes.

 

[outatime_85]

There is nothing here for me except trauma and tragedy.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I feel like I'm nothing but scum. Just a sick, twisted, worthless piece of shit. I hate the fact that other people have to interact with me, be around me every fucking day. I hate that I have the nerve to worry about my well-being - stupid shit like having a job, a car, friends, food to eat. Making ends meet. I don't deserve friends. Safety. Shelter. Food. Anything but pain and death.

I'm a bad person. All I seem to do is hurt other people. I haven't suffered, I'm not depressed, I don't have any bullshit like cPTSD. I wasn't raped, I wasn't abused, I wasn't bullied. I'm weak, disgusting, garbage, and I must have manipulated all of these fucking people into thinking that I have legitimate issues/diagnoses. I just can't cope with the pain in life that I've caused for myself and deserved.

This feels dumb as hell to post, like I'm looking for attention. The thoughts are too much, everything is too intense, and it's either writing this shit out or cutting. If I cut right now, I would be breaking a promise and stabbing a dear friend in the back. And writing this out, it feels like the 'real me', the vermin that's behind all of my "pain" and "issues". And that should be here for people to see, past whatever fucking persona I've tricked people into believing in the past here. It's a win-win.

 

[Life_and_Death]

pissed that im still alive. my music is pissing me off. my brand new never used (literally the first time i pushed the pedal)sewing machine jammed. constantly having shit go wrong in my life could have been fixed if i was dead. i never get a fucking break, i cant wait to see whats fucking next

 

[Catloaf]

Fuck this dumb rock and fuck everyone who lives on it.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Still EMPTY!!!! ..... So tired ... I can't even.... Slept for over 11 hours want to go back to sleep.
Why a pathetic creature like me had to be created?
This life is not for me.
Half asleep while I'm typing this.
If the end of humanity is near, I can't wait.
I think my bed is calling me.

 

[TigerFestival]

Bored, depressed, scared, worried, lonely and empty.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Well.... I'm awake. Slept for 11 hours yesterday was awake for 2 hours and went back to sleep for another 3 hours.
Just wishing I would not wake up.
I don't know if it's covid again. Not really achy. Not doubled over in pain. No energy though. I guess that I'm used to anyway. I don't wear a mask anymore unless I have a Dr appointment.
So much misery .... Even the pandemic won't take me. WHY????
I don't even know what to say anymore, that I haven't already said.
Lately I mostly just post in the music threads. I'm sure everyone is thinking... There is Not2b music bombing S.S. again.
Sometimes an old thread is resurrected and I see names of posters that have left and it makes me feel sader.
The way the world really works makes me angry, sad, hopeless.
I wish I could hold someone right now. I doubt any woman would want to be with a guy this weak.
I doubt any guy would be either even if it was an option.
I never really thought of myself as an incel. I don't even want sex, just someone to hold. Now if I had a girlfriend, then I hope we would have sex. Not that she is obligated or I would force her. I don't even think I could.
I don't think I have made a post this long in awhile.
Can't think of anything else to say now.

 

[Lullaby]

It sucks being a person who typically has problems feeling anything, then you fall deeply for someone who eventually starts screwing you over. You hold onto those feelings, hoping this person will apologize and come to their senses, but they don't. Then you're forced to bin those feelings and pretend like they never existed.

One minute they're here and the next you go back to that empty shell you were before. Even if you're doing what you feel is best or have no other choice, it's heartbreaking. You can only try so hard to keep the walls from going go back up before they do permanently.

 

[want2dienow]

suicidal

 

[Life_and_Death]

omfg he messaged. he wants us to be ok again and all ive been able to say is "idk. i dont think we should.." of course i love him and want him back or else him leaving wouldnt have been my deciding factor for MAiD (well...seeing 2 girls about the age of 13 wearing clothing a literal slut would wear, pushed me over the edge into finally deciding, but him leaving certainly pushed me a whole lot closer real fast. an attempt even because of him, so obviously not the girls). but he left because im me and im still me, im not going to not be me.......i cant let him back...it doesnt feel right even though i want to...

just keep going....i....i should....

 

[Celerity]

I feel like I'm nothing but scum. Just a sick, twisted, worthless piece of shit. I hate the fact that other people have to interact with me, be around me every fucking day. I hate that I have the nerve to worry about my well-being - stupid shit like having a job, a car, friends, food to eat. Making ends meet. I don't deserve friends. Safety. Shelter. Food. Anything but pain and death.

I'm a bad person. All I seem to do is hurt other people. I haven't suffered, I'm not depressed, I don't have any bullshit like cPTSD. I wasn't raped, I wasn't abused, I wasn't bullied. I'm weak, disgusting, garbage, and I must have manipulated all of these fucking people into thinking that I have legitimate issues/diagnoses. I just can't cope with the pain in life that I've caused for myself and deserved.

This feels dumb as hell to post, like I'm looking for attention. The thoughts are too much, everything is too intense, and it's either writing this shit out or cutting. If I cut right now, I would be breaking a promise and stabbing a dear friend in the back. And writing this out, it feels like the 'real me', the vermin that's behind all of my "pain" and "issues". And that should be here for people to see, past whatever fucking persona I've tricked people into believing in the past here. It's a win-win.

I haven't seen you be anything but kind here, so I'm shocked to read this about you. What have you done that deserves such a severe judgment?

 

[leeloosnow]

i am feeling....
- utter incapacitation towards progress on any of these insurmountable life issues
- the epitome of contempt towards those assholes that made the mistake of shitting me out into this hellscape
- i love rats

 

[Celerity]

I just had a really bad interaction with a customer at work. I don't understand people who bully people making barely above minimum wage. The customer behind them thought they were an asshole too. My boss, on the other hand, had no sympathy for me.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So tired. Want to sleep but I can't. I may not be able to later. Depressed.... Always depressed.