Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
638
I'm really tired about how much people assume of my situation, like in the few times I post on other websites about what I'm going through. Those who claim that since I'm depressed, I'm therefore too mentally unfit to make any accurate statements about the state of my existence. And that, even despite the fact that I've been an agoraphobic hermit for very nearly the past 15 fucking years, they then have the gaul to think I can just somehow pull myself together, dust myself off, and go about "fixing" myself. As in; "C'mon there Mr. Sourpuss, just go for a walk and you'll feel right as rain." or "Stop being such a morbid cuck and do something with your life instead of whining.". As far as I'm concerned, it's far more insulting for someone to gaslight me with self-help bullshit, instead of simply acknowledging that everything about me is beyond any sort of help. I'd rather someone say; "Wow, it must suck to be you. I can understand why you want to kill yourself.", versus telling me to go for walks, despite being agoraphobic, or to take some stupid psychedelic drugs, despite them being poison for me, along with telling me to do a hundred and one other retarded fucking things that would have no bearing on my situation whatsoever.

It's almost ideological for people to do this. It buttresses their belief in demonstrably false ideas like freewill and crap like the just world fallacy. They don't want to admit that some people, like me, are literally just totally fucked in life. It goes against their brainwashing that tells them that they are in command of their own destiny and that everyone gets what they deserve. If they acknowledge that someone like me doesn't, then that would throw into question whether they do as well. This prevents them from ever respecting the sheer severity of my situation, since to do so would mean destroying their own flawed beliefs. Again, it's just so fucking insulting that people have the gaul to presume that my life is any way "fixable". I don't have the resources, nor the support structure necessary, nor the personality to even enjoy life as a default. Some people are too thick headed and lost up inside their own dogma ridden assholes to ever understand this. It's just frustrating is all. Anytime you try to explain this to them and they always outright refuse to listen. They claim I'm delusional, I claim they're delusional. It's a fucking circular hellhole where any hope of understanding is a foregone conclusion. God, I fucking hate this. It's all so fucking useless.
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
638
Can't seem to get anywhere, with anything. I don't know what to do.
 
wordsonscreen

wordsonscreen

Peanuts aren't nuts! They're seeds!
Jan 21, 2021
728
Tired. I want to leave soon. I'm also feeling some fear and.. grief? I think I am grieving my own self and my life. Its been a rough ride and I wish I could stay. I do love a lot about life but its fucking unreal how painful things have been consistently. I miss some people I love who are no longer a part of my life. I am hurt my the ways people have harmed me. I cant have the peace and comfort I need. I'm not okay- just trying very hard to get through each day until I do leave.

I'm just really tired and I need rest. And I really hope people can respect my decision.
 
  • Aww..
Reactions: Ame
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Sep 12, 2020
1,043
Very, very tired. Heavy eyes. Numb in the brain.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Ame, wordsonscreen and BeansOfRequirement
BeansOfRequirement

BeansOfRequirement

Behind the guilt was compassion
Jan 26, 2021
5,744
Trying to come to terms with that I'm not going to be miraculously lifted out of my horrible psychology. Survive the shitfuck and then shoot myself, that's the plan.
 
  • Aww..
Reactions: wordsonscreen
wordsonscreen

wordsonscreen

Peanuts aren't nuts! They're seeds!
Jan 21, 2021
728
Trying to come to terms with that I'm not going to be miraculously lifted out of my horrible psychology. Survive the shitfuck and then shoot myself, that's the plan.
yeah I keep hoping I will wake up and things will be better. They wont will they? I'm with you bud.
 
  • Love
Reactions: BeansOfRequirement
M

makingsure4

Student
Jan 6, 2021
152
Feeling Unsynchronized enough to start putting shoulda on myself. Which is irritating and infuriating and makes me question my reasoning and logic skills thus sanity. But I can take care of myself so...sane.
 
A

angelfeather

Student
Oct 31, 2020
181
Deep in thought atm and thinking of all the people who are going through the same situation as me who don't want to be here anymore. Without going into detail I visit the place where I'm going to end my life near enough daily now as it brings a sense of calm and peace for me. I hope I do it soon. I have noticed a man at the same spot a number of times and wonder if he is there for the same reason. It seems when I turn up he disappears. Maybe it's coincidental but there feels more to it as I see no other reason why he'd be there too. I am so grateful for this space to write my thoughts as I find it helps lots.
 
  • Hugs
  • Love
Reactions: Ame and botanormal
Anon2662

Anon2662

Just a girl trapped in a psychological prison
Feb 13, 2020
366
I'm thinking about how angry I am that SN is now virtually impossible to get in the UK. I ordered it 3 times last year and it didn't arrive. Why can't the government just fuck off and let me have my way out like I want it, I'm getting really resentful towards my mum for having to be at home 24/7 because she's furloughed which I know is not fair and is not her fault but it's put my plans on hold for long enough now. I didn't want to do it in the house she will have to continue living in because something abo that doesn't seem fair but I can't hold off much longer. I wish I could hold a blowtorch to my ear and burn the thoughts away and my ability to hear at the same time. Sick of hearing stuff constantly while trying to act fine when I'm downstairs so that my mum doesn't suspect anything is wrong. Yeah. I'm 27 and had to move back in with my mum because I'm such a shit show.
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: taylor321, Ame, NodusTollens and 1 other person
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Sep 12, 2020
1,043
I feel misunderstood, depressed and useless.

I want to tell my therapist how "bad" I actually feel. I'd like them to understand. I don't want to keep lying about suicide, but I have to.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Ame, NodusTollens and botanormal
Fehler

Fehler

...
Oct 12, 2020
455
Again regretful for having backed out of ctb time, I already had everything ready...I only had to take 1 drink.
 
  • Aww..
  • Love
Reactions: NodusTollens, makingsure4 and botanormal
Ignorado

Ignorado

Rat
Jan 21, 2021
28
No place for me into this shitty world. But that's a relief for me. At least i can see that it's not me who is the problem, it's the mankind's problem.
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: NodusTollens, BeansOfRequirement and botanormal
Mentalmick

Mentalmick

IMHOTEP!!!
Nov 30, 2020
2,050
Super fucking anxious. I'm on fire inside.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: NodusTollens
BeansOfRequirement

BeansOfRequirement

Behind the guilt was compassion
Jan 26, 2021
5,744
A lil sleepy, innit?
 
ashedout

ashedout

Member
Jan 22, 2021
93
Exhausted. I'm so tired of living the same day every day.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: NodusTollens
NodusTollens

NodusTollens

Nov 17, 2020
989
I don't know how I feel. Some moments I feel I could float away, some moments I feel grounded.
All I know is, I am here.

- journey - xo
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Fehler
BeansOfRequirement

BeansOfRequirement

Behind the guilt was compassion
Jan 26, 2021
5,744
The last shreds of humanity are being severed, soon I will have no remaining weak spots :love:
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: Sensei, NodusTollens and 262653
stygal

stygal

low-wage worker
Oct 29, 2020
1,732
Pure exhaustion, terribly shattered, my heart couldn't take this anxiety much longer it's a good thing it doesn't have to. Crying about the littlest things - cursing the SI.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Sensei, NodusTollens, angelfeather and 2 others
Fehler

Fehler

...
Oct 12, 2020
455
Second time I start crying for no reason when listening to my father's favorite song on the radio, the 1st time it made me strange but I didn't give it much importance. Now I was a little more motivated and it only took the chorus to make me cry.
The little motivation that I was getting with breakfast has crushed me
 
  • Hugs
  • Love
Reactions: NodusTollens, angelfeather and BeansOfRequirement
A

angelfeather

Student
Oct 31, 2020
181
Fed up of emotions today. Gone from feeling paranoid, to distrustful, to pleased, to fuming, to exhausted, to mentally drained, and to just want to sleep forever. I have no motivation to move from the sofa now.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: makingsure4, Fehler and NodusTollens
262653

262653

Cluesome
Apr 5, 2018
1,733
Weird. It's weird to be here. The texts and avatars and funny pics. Who's here? Hahaha~ such a joy.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: NodusTollens
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
638
I have a visceral hatred of people in general sometimes, especially those I consider normals. I really, really do. Fucking obnoxious cattle that they are.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: NodusTollens
N

Nicothe13th

Student
Jan 6, 2021
188
Nothingness
Excited though, less than 24 hours and all this shit fades away
 
  • Like
Reactions: angelfeather
A

angelfeather

Student
Oct 31, 2020
181
Completely fed up today. Especially with relatives who think they know best. That's why it's better to keep myself to myself and not say how I feel.
 
BitterlyAlive_

BitterlyAlive_

-
Dec 8, 2020
2,394
Meh.... Had a rather interesting night, got maybe one hour of sleep. Feel weird today, but better than I was expecting.
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: Sensei and Ame
Ame

Ame

あめ
Nov 1, 2019
322
I failed you. I failed you. I failed you. I failed you. I failed you like I have failed everything and everyone in my life. I keep reading and ruminating, trying desperately to find the keys to doors that cannot be opened anymore. You were crying out for help weren't you? Little crumbs here and there over the past few months. When we last spoke, you were looking for answers weren't you? Some last ditch effort to cling onto hope and a way forward. I failed you didn't I? I couldn't give you what you needed. When I asked you about what you meant by wishing for your death, the answer that you gave bled with the essence of someone who desperately wanted to live. You wanted to be able to enjoy life and all of its little pleasures. You wanted to live so much but you believed that joy was irretrievably lost to the grips of your condition. You hoped that I could give you that hope didn't you? The first time you reached out to me you had said: "Good job on convincing someone that there are more options than just suicide.". Was that someone you? If so, you were looking for me to reproduce that old hope, weren't you? I was afraid of pushing you too much and for burdening you with my fears. The hope you gave me was enough to keep my warm and guide me during my darkest moments. For the first time I saw a future in which I could imagine wanting to live. I wanted to live with you. To support you on your journey to living out a full and happy life. I couldn't give you the same. I failed you and I am so sorry.

I am more disease than human and I make everyone sick. You had once tried to reassure me that would not be the case with you but I cannot help but feel like I've killed you instead.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Weeping Garbage Can, angelfeather and Sensei
Sensei

Sensei

剣道家
Nov 4, 2019
6,336
Inner turmoil. I want it to end, one way or another.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Callie Arcale, angelfeather and Ame

Similar threads

Gstreater
Replies
3
Views
122
Suicide Discussion
-Link-
-Link-
-nobodyknows-
Replies
6
Views
164
Suicide Discussion
iloveyouihateyou
iloveyouihateyou