Sick over how I've treated someone.
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Salvation_
"Please, finish my story."
- Nov 25, 2020
- 230
So fucking mad right now. My only friend is drunk and is criticizing me for how I live my life. I just don't fucking get it. You want me to feel sorry about myself? You want me to feel shit about my life??? My god. You're fucking drunk and you don't even know that when I cared about the shit that doesn't matter, it only made me more suicidal. Yeah, it sucks to be lonely. You don't think I don't know that?? I'm just SO fucking tired of being miserable about it, and now you think you have the right to judge me for not caring about being lonely anymore?? If I staked all my emotional capacity on the fact that I barely talk to anybody, I WOULD BE FUCKING DEAD RIGHT NOW!!!! I WOULD'VE ATTEMPTED CTB LIKE A YEAR AGO!!! I'm barely hanging on a thread as I am!!!! Just leave me the fuck alone... you want me to be more depressed? You want me to be actively miserable? Just shut up.... thanks for trying to make me feel like shit :) that's what friends are for, I guess.
WhatPowerIs
Paragon
- Jun 19, 2022
- 945
I don't want to get better. Let me rot. Please.
Omg. Idk what crazy energy the universe is in rn but 1 bad thing after another is happening and stressing me out. Give me a break pls and just stop that person from persistently squeezing me into their preconceived notions and high standards and just let me be, i beg of you pls.
incorporationated
mentally unstable idiot
- Jan 24, 2023
- 78
Toy
Let me out.
- Mar 12, 2023
- 93
I'm tired, there's a lot going on in my life that I wish would go away, I feel like a popped water balloon that someone stuck a needle into. I have supportive partners but I feel like i'm not meant to have it, i'm scared that all of my friends will vanish the second I fall asleep. I just wish life could be easier so I could stop thinking about CTB for 24 hours, I hate thinking about this all the time like there's no other way for me to feel anymore.
draingang
białasy podbijają na funkcję jak
- Feb 21, 2023
- 49
nostalgia and need for deeper human interaction
QteStimBnnuy
Qtpuppet
- Feb 9, 2023
- 64
Some odd mix between hard curiosity and apathy
CTB Dream
Disabled. Hard talk, don't argue, make fun, etc
- Sep 17, 2022
- 2,078
Void feel empty this all awful life make, no able do any, want travle time back
Frustrated that my mental health diagnosis has changed from one thing to another over the past 2 decades. I've basically given up on seeking psychological and psychiatric services.
reiko1337
Honestly? No idea.
- Mar 12, 2023
- 34
Honestly? I have no clue. I feel like I can't breathe, and my chest and throat are being crushed. I also feel empty. I don't fucking know, maybe it's the 2 cans of coffee I drank within 10 minutes. Or maybe it's the fact I broke up with my girlfriend a day ago and I lost most if not all of my friends. I can't stop thinking but I can't think of anything. I'm at an all time low.
not-2-b-the-answer
Archangel
- Mar 23, 2018
- 7,934
Tired... Just exhausted. Really just want to sleep and never wake up. Any day above ground is a terrible day.
Sometimes I would like a bromance. Just someone to hang out with. I guess that would require me to leave the apartment and be around people.
Sometimes I would like a bromance. Just someone to hang out with. I guess that would require me to leave the apartment and be around people.
I tried the new limited edition Coca-Cola flavor (move). Taste like fucking toasted Coconut to me...
not-2-b-the-answer
Archangel
- Mar 23, 2018
- 7,934
UseItOrLoseIt
1O'8
- Dec 4, 2020
- 2,214
It's so hard to constantly try to find distractions to keep my brain from not going mad. And as of lately alcohol and drugs are pretty much the only distractions that work. My whole body aches. I'm feel sick almost everyday but it's easier to feel sick than to feel the emptiness of being nothing.
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Zegers
Misfit
- Dec 15, 2021
- 1,762
I'm sick of having to wear braces to hold up my jeans, i've been having to wear this for years while seeing how people's jeans fit like a glove, my legs are like two short shapeless sticks.
Scacie
She/Her
- Feb 24, 2023
- 231
Empty. Severely dissociating rn, everything feels so numb
UseItOrLoseIt
1O'8
- Dec 4, 2020
- 2,214
I love and hate the finality of death at the same time 
Lullaby
🌙
- Mar 9, 2022
- 640
A couple of weeks ago, I was really prepared to take a long break from here. I had started taking my medication consistently for the first time ever, and I felt really good. I was more upbeat and talkative, and I would go days without any suicidal thoughts.
Then it just stopped working, not in a 'I've gotten used to it' sort of way but completely gone, even after they increased my dosage; nothing.
I'm completely drained and upset again, I'm so behind on my goals and I'm pretty much back where I was. I feel miserable, even despite trying to push through this. I keep being told to give it more time, but everyone seems to be ignoring that I'm genuinely not okay again.
It's been almost two weeks now and I've fallen off of taken my meds, because it just seems pointless and frustrating. It just slips my mind completely since I don't feel any different now when I take it vs when I skip.
A few weeks ago, I even signed up to take some skateboarding group lessons, after stalling for two years about it and hoping to make some new friends too. My first class was last week, and I ended up tearing my ACL…$300 down the drain.
Just really demotivating and upsetting to keep trying and fighting your hardest, but kicked down back to where you were. I'm so tired of this. When nothing seems to work, how do you have any hope.
Then it just stopped working, not in a 'I've gotten used to it' sort of way but completely gone, even after they increased my dosage; nothing.
I'm completely drained and upset again, I'm so behind on my goals and I'm pretty much back where I was. I feel miserable, even despite trying to push through this. I keep being told to give it more time, but everyone seems to be ignoring that I'm genuinely not okay again.
It's been almost two weeks now and I've fallen off of taken my meds, because it just seems pointless and frustrating. It just slips my mind completely since I don't feel any different now when I take it vs when I skip.
A few weeks ago, I even signed up to take some skateboarding group lessons, after stalling for two years about it and hoping to make some new friends too. My first class was last week, and I ended up tearing my ACL…$300 down the drain.
Just really demotivating and upsetting to keep trying and fighting your hardest, but kicked down back to where you were. I'm so tired of this. When nothing seems to work, how do you have any hope.
im just s ofucking tired, and i know that its depression or anxiety or overwhelm or "not my fault" or whatever but that makes it worse, because theresn o way anyone can fix it without me having to do a tremendous amount of fucking WORK to overcome my challenges. and i'm just done. i'm just tired. but not even death feels rigfht, nothing feels right, and i just need so many accomodations and so much attention all the time and i DONT DESERVE IT and fucking. i kjust wish i wanted to die enoyvgh to do it. i hATE MYSELF and i hate other people. i used to love things. its probably my fault. biut i waNT TO GET BETTER. IU REALLY DO. i really do, i want to have things feel easy or at least worth the work. but all i like doing is drugs and i hate myself for it because it hurts other people and at the end of the day i care more about them than myself. i wish i could just be fixed. but this is just life. fuck.
Krobo
Member
- Feb 5, 2023
- 38
My brain is telling me about all these things I'm supposed to want to do, but none of that is translating into wanting to do them. Even watching TV shows requires me to give more shits than I have remaining to give.
Tried sitting up for half an hour before lying down again due to back pain. Might have healed if my boss had allowed me to take a break from work, but it's too late now. Makes me wonder whether the world wouldn't become a better place if all the businessmen inhabiting it were rounded up into camps. All out of the cannabis I was using for pain management, too. I put off drinking poison again last week and am regretting my decision right now.
Tried sitting up for half an hour before lying down again due to back pain. Might have healed if my boss had allowed me to take a break from work, but it's too late now. Makes me wonder whether the world wouldn't become a better place if all the businessmen inhabiting it were rounded up into camps. All out of the cannabis I was using for pain management, too. I put off drinking poison again last week and am regretting my decision right now.
Alcoholic Teletubby
Rip in piss
- Jan 10, 2022
- 360
(11:00; Suicide Thought Hour)
So many people enjoy my kindness, but they don't know that I want to be a smear on the pavement. :,)
So many people enjoy my kindness, but they don't know that I want to be a smear on the pavement. :,)
Dead Horse
Hopeless, but literally
- Nov 14, 2018
- 139
Having no hope for a decent life is one thing. Having to live with this realization day after day after day, for years, is just brutal. What is there to do? Try to get better? There is no "better" for some people. People don't realize that. Or maybe I'm the one in the wrong, and there could be hope if I just tried. But how do you even try, when just existing is so difficult? How do people that have fallen as low as I have, find the motivation to even try? Do they? Do people like me even exist? Does getting "better" really matter after a certain age?
aforestfire
"for truly, i am no longer a part of the world."
- Dec 17, 2022
- 89
life is a sad little thing. even if i recognize that exist beauty in the world, it feels like that wasn't made for me, the bad things will always be louder and stronger. i can't avoid being jealous of those that has real things to be attached to, i hold on in a dream, a fantasy, the same that i had in my childhood, "things will get better", but it didn't and it won't because that's not how the world works, even if you wish something with all your heart, and i wished, i wished so bad that things would get better and that i would never ever again feel the same that i felt when i was little. but like i said, good things aren't made for me; give me something fragile and i will break it, because that's what i do.
i reached a point where i'm so ready to go, but i can't because i lack the things i would need to do so. how i wish dying would be easier, this is frustrating, the only thing i have is bad memories and my silly little fantasies.
i reached a point where i'm so ready to go, but i can't because i lack the things i would need to do so. how i wish dying would be easier, this is frustrating, the only thing i have is bad memories and my silly little fantasies.
Dead Ghost
Mestre del Temps
- May 6, 2022
- 1,332
I don't like not being able to fend for myself at all, it hurts me to be dependent on others... and my physical and mental health keeps getting worse and worse. I want to work even though I know that I may not be able to stand the pace they put me at... the disability pension makes me angry even though I need it, it bothers me to have to receive it.
It hurts me that they have raised my degree of disability above 75% (I am waiting for them to tell me the definitive degree).
A few weeks ago I was told that I could ask for the orphan's pension for the disabled, but after thinking about it I have decided not to ask for it because it implies that a judge will disqualify you from working (I would only need that they would not allow me to work under any circumstances).
There are too many things... I have renounced to the inheritance that corresponded to me from my father but I had to ask for a medical report that accredited that I was in full mental faculties before processing it.
On the other hand, I am waiting for a medical report that says that despite my disability, it does not prevent me from performing the tasks required for the position I am applying for (it would be my first job in 13 years).
I find everything very difficult in my day to day life, and the obstacles they put in my way to do anything... I often think about the CTB, but I keep fighting and fighting, I am very tired... I do not know if I will ever dare to do the CTB (I see it quite far away). I don't know.
I do not sleep well since February 3 (no day), very hot and nervous... and my head is spinning non-stop....
I have contact with my mother (I live with her), my sister (from time to time), a friend from the neighborhood (I talk to him on the phone sometimes) and a SaSu member with whom I communicate on a regular basis... and still I feel very lonely, very lonely, incredibly lonely....
... I feel really helpless... I am worried about the new grade evaluation, I am worried that I am not allowed to work, I am worried that I am not allowed to make decisions freely... I do not understand this control over me, I do not understand it at all, it hurts me a lot that my criteria to decide freely about any transcendental matter for my life is doubted, that my mental capacity to make decisions is questioned...
... this goes far beyond freely deciding how to die, it is that I am not allowed to freely decide how to live!
//
No m'agrada pas gens no poder valdre'm per mi mateix, em fa mal ser dependent dels altres... i la salut física i mental no para d'empitjorar. Vull treballar tot i saber que potser no podré suportar el ritme que em possin... es que la pensió de discapacitat em fa rábia tot i necessitar-la, em molesta haver-la de percebre.
Em fa mal que m'hagin apujat el grau de discapacitat per sobre del 75% (estic esperant que em diguin el grau definitiu)
Fa poques setmanes em van comentar que podía demanar la pensió d'orfandat per discapacitats, però després de rumiar-m'ho he decidit que no la demanaré pas perquè implica que un jutge t'incapaciti per treballar (només em faltaría que no em permetissin treballar en cap concepte).
Són masses coses.. he renunciat a l'herència que em corresponía del meu pare però he hagut de demanar un informe médic que acredités que em trobaba en plenes facultats mentals abans de tramitar-la.
D'altra banda estic esperant un dictamen facultatiu que digui que tot i la meva discapacitat aquesta no impedeix desenvolupar les tasques que es demanen a una plaça per a la qual oposito (sería la meva primera feina en 13 anys).
Em costa tot molt en el meu día a día, i les traves que em posen per fer qualsevol cosa.. penso sovint en el CTB, però no deixo de lluitar i lluitar, estic mot cansat.. no se si mai m'atreviré a fer el CTB (ho veig força lluny). Ves a saber.
No dormo bé desde el 3 de febrer (cap día), molta calor i nervis.. i el cap dona voltes sense parar...
Tinc contacte amb ma mare (visc amb ella), ma germana (de quant en quant), un amic del barri (parlo amb ell per telèfon de vegades) i un membre de SaSu amb el qual em comunico de forma habitual... i tot i així em sento molt sol, molt sol, increïblement sol...
.. em sento impotent de debó... em preocupa la nova valoració del grau, em preocupa que no em permetin treballar, em preocupa que no em permetin prendre decisions lliurement... no entenc aquest control sobre la meva persona, no l'entenc gens ni mica, em fa molt mal que es dubti del meu criteri per decidir lliurement sobre qualsevol assumpte trascendental per a la meva vida, que se'm qüestioni la meva capacitat mental per prendre decisions...
.. això va molt més enllà de decidir lliurement com morir, es que no em deixen pas decidir lliurement com viure!
It hurts me that they have raised my degree of disability above 75% (I am waiting for them to tell me the definitive degree).
A few weeks ago I was told that I could ask for the orphan's pension for the disabled, but after thinking about it I have decided not to ask for it because it implies that a judge will disqualify you from working (I would only need that they would not allow me to work under any circumstances).
There are too many things... I have renounced to the inheritance that corresponded to me from my father but I had to ask for a medical report that accredited that I was in full mental faculties before processing it.
On the other hand, I am waiting for a medical report that says that despite my disability, it does not prevent me from performing the tasks required for the position I am applying for (it would be my first job in 13 years).
I find everything very difficult in my day to day life, and the obstacles they put in my way to do anything... I often think about the CTB, but I keep fighting and fighting, I am very tired... I do not know if I will ever dare to do the CTB (I see it quite far away). I don't know.
I do not sleep well since February 3 (no day), very hot and nervous... and my head is spinning non-stop....
I have contact with my mother (I live with her), my sister (from time to time), a friend from the neighborhood (I talk to him on the phone sometimes) and a SaSu member with whom I communicate on a regular basis... and still I feel very lonely, very lonely, incredibly lonely....
... I feel really helpless... I am worried about the new grade evaluation, I am worried that I am not allowed to work, I am worried that I am not allowed to make decisions freely... I do not understand this control over me, I do not understand it at all, it hurts me a lot that my criteria to decide freely about any transcendental matter for my life is doubted, that my mental capacity to make decisions is questioned...
... this goes far beyond freely deciding how to die, it is that I am not allowed to freely decide how to live!
//
No m'agrada pas gens no poder valdre'm per mi mateix, em fa mal ser dependent dels altres... i la salut física i mental no para d'empitjorar. Vull treballar tot i saber que potser no podré suportar el ritme que em possin... es que la pensió de discapacitat em fa rábia tot i necessitar-la, em molesta haver-la de percebre.
Em fa mal que m'hagin apujat el grau de discapacitat per sobre del 75% (estic esperant que em diguin el grau definitiu)
Fa poques setmanes em van comentar que podía demanar la pensió d'orfandat per discapacitats, però després de rumiar-m'ho he decidit que no la demanaré pas perquè implica que un jutge t'incapaciti per treballar (només em faltaría que no em permetissin treballar en cap concepte).
Són masses coses.. he renunciat a l'herència que em corresponía del meu pare però he hagut de demanar un informe médic que acredités que em trobaba en plenes facultats mentals abans de tramitar-la.
D'altra banda estic esperant un dictamen facultatiu que digui que tot i la meva discapacitat aquesta no impedeix desenvolupar les tasques que es demanen a una plaça per a la qual oposito (sería la meva primera feina en 13 anys).
Em costa tot molt en el meu día a día, i les traves que em posen per fer qualsevol cosa.. penso sovint en el CTB, però no deixo de lluitar i lluitar, estic mot cansat.. no se si mai m'atreviré a fer el CTB (ho veig força lluny). Ves a saber.
No dormo bé desde el 3 de febrer (cap día), molta calor i nervis.. i el cap dona voltes sense parar...
Tinc contacte amb ma mare (visc amb ella), ma germana (de quant en quant), un amic del barri (parlo amb ell per telèfon de vegades) i un membre de SaSu amb el qual em comunico de forma habitual... i tot i així em sento molt sol, molt sol, increïblement sol...
.. em sento impotent de debó... em preocupa la nova valoració del grau, em preocupa que no em permetin treballar, em preocupa que no em permetin prendre decisions lliurement... no entenc aquest control sobre la meva persona, no l'entenc gens ni mica, em fa molt mal que es dubti del meu criteri per decidir lliurement sobre qualsevol assumpte trascendental per a la meva vida, que se'm qüestioni la meva capacitat mental per prendre decisions...
.. això va molt més enllà de decidir lliurement com morir, es que no em deixen pas decidir lliurement com viure!
Lonely, hopeless, angry, sad and frustrated
Happy and content, I do need to get up and stretch though, I've noticed after years of dance if I don't stretch my body just feels wrong.
Abandoned. I have a 'friend' who I know will leave me as soon as they know me better. :C
I just want to lay on the asphalt outside and get run over by a steamroller headfirst....
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