Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[not-2-b-the-answer]

My soul is dead... I'm just waiting for my body to catch up.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

The Best Me Is A Dead Me

 

[Hirokami]

My brain is so goddamn numb like holy shit. I can't focus on things and I feel tired rn. I just want to feel something again ...

 

[Life_and_Death]

feeling like attempting tonight.

 

[rainbowbright]

Satisfied - just ate some of my favourite cake and have managed to do some studying for once

 

[Ringo]

I'll go to the doctor, this headache is just weird and, although it's not all that intense most of the time, I think that will help to cut through my paranoia. So I can be alone at home without the fear of end up incapacitate and slowly dying in agony. So I can be calmer and do productive things, like doing laundry while listening to Queen or investigate if a hurricane generates more energy than an atomic bomb.

 

[unreal]

I want people to stop perceiving me. I want to stop existing in the minds of everyone I've ever known. Everything is so tiring.

 

[sleeps]

my mind is in a fog and everything feels pointless. im tired of being here. just want to fade away

 

[narval]

I'm drunk rn for no reason and i don't care. That's worrying... And i just realized that i don't care.

 

[Lostandlooking]

There's been some work done around my house for the past couple of weeks. And I'm super frustrated about some things; There isn't a clear schedule of when I can expect which work to be done, when they do make an appointment they shift it around. They don't let me know when they're done for the day. Some mistakes have been made, I currently can't close my windows properly. So on random days I wake up in a panic really early because they start drilling, sanding, hammering, ringing doorbells etc. That's the gist of it and I expect this to maybe last another month but I'm not sure. I'm just very tense all the time. I like to create my own private safe space and currently that's been difficult. I have had some nightmares about suddenly not having windows in my appartment anymore and people looking in. It's very tiring and just makes me more depressed. Just a little rant.

 

[Life_and_Death]

feeling like attempting tonight.

i regret not killing myself, when im suppose to attempt this is always the feeling that follows...

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Slaughter To Prevail-1984








What if it's about you?
What if these tears are shed at your house too?
You will smear this shit on the white walls
In your own house with your fam, conscience is dead
I, I see the marching troops
Hurts, but I see friends there, have no face, have no fate
Can't figure out, you're dumb or what?
Death and pain trails behind the crowd
What is it all about?

Please stop the violence
Please stop the bloodshed on Earth
Look into the eyes of children who are scared
And remember, remember yourself
Please stop the violence
Please stop the bloodshed on Earth
My brother, my brother
Anger will live in memory
Anger will live and prevail

Pretend you are not guilty
Pretend you don't see this shit
Pretend this is not your war
Pretend
FUCK

(War) Their eyes are damned
Their faith is crucified
(War) Their tongue is stone
Their tongue is dead
(War) This son of a bitch will stick a knife in your back
Ascend, adaption
1984, 1984
You woke up and saw a funnel instead of a home
You woke up and saw a funnel instead of a home
Ascend, adaption
1984, 1984
You woke up and saw a funnel instead of a home
And your anger will never leave you alone
You just need to find someone to blame

Please stop the violence
Please stop the bloodshed on Earth
Look into the eyes of children who are scared
And remember, remember yourself
Please stop the violence
Please stop the bloodshed on Earth
My brother, my brother
Anger will live in memory
Anger will live and prevail

Ascend, adaptation
1984, 1984 in real life
You woke up and saw a funnel instead of a home
And your anger will never leave you alone

Anger will live in memory
Anger will live in memory
Anger will live in memory
Anger will live and prevail

 

[Life_and_Death]

my SO basically praised my "anorexic" stomach (atypical so not super skinny). so..dont eat?

 

[Hirokami]

Okay, who didn't tell me that it was "Let's-Piss-Off-Hiro-Because-He's-So-Negative-And-Not-Happy-Like-The-Rest-Of-Us Day"?

Like dear God ... I'm sorry that I'm so "negative". Fuck toxic positivity, though. This is exactly why I don't talk to people. Because, if they suspect one thing is wrong with me, they get all invasive and mad at me when I reject their awful suggestions I didn't ask for. God forbid if I actually talk about my suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't dream of doing that irl, and the fact that people give me so much shit for being "negative" solidifies that.

Sorry that I don't belive in woo-woo crystals nor prayers. And to the people who said I "chose" to be like this ... Why would anyone choose this?? I tried being positive before and it blew up in my face each and every time. I had three fucking break downs last week. Let me feel like shit gdi

 

[angelfeather]

Why do people tell you to reach out for help but when you do they don't bother to return your call?! #thankscmht…

 

[StolenLife]

I'm thinking of leaving a note to my home teacher from high school. She is the only one who tried to help but I was a dumbass teenager with trust issues and paranoia. If only I let her know how bad things were prior to high school it might not have been as bad as it was. Though I fear that I am a bad memory for her because I was a problem child due to my issues despite having As. But at least she would know that there was nothing she could have done and not to blame herself. Also today I found out my parents normally greet other people who abused me without a care in the world. I am starting to think that maybe I really was evil one all along and somehow they knew and ganged up on me and maybe my brain rewrote the memories because I don't know why I have no one the problem is clearly me then but I don't remember being so evil to deserve that. I'm scared, my circumstances were so fucked in a way that it's not obvious at first but one thing came after another though I can't describe it here without doxxing myself. They won't even let me die in peace they just want to torture me and get off on it.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I can't wait to get out of people's hair. I'm too selfish. It's gross.

Just realized earlier that I forgot an important date this month where I needed to be here for a friend, I've been so caught up with ??? and can hardly keep track of the days anymore, so I let them down.

I feel like I'm drifting away from my friends. It doesn't feel like there's much to talk about with them anymore, and when I do try to talk I just feel like I'm being annoying, a nuisance. I don't really feel like I can support my friends anymore, either. They deserve better.

Dunno what else to say, so this post is finished I guess….

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Misery.... I don't want to be here but I can't CTB.
Would like to post some happy music but I keep posting depressing stuff.
I don't even know what to say or post anymore like I used to. All I seem to be able to do is music bomb threads.
Thinking about how awful my life is and how different it used to be.
For a very short time it was great, but of course it didn't last. Every good thing just evaporated and keeps getting worse. Little by little slipping away with my sanity.
How do people do it? Just existing to work? Making money for rich assholes barely surviving.
What is the fu*king point? Life is so horrible!!!

 

[Lullaby]

I'm only doing this for you, Stevie. You're the only thing that keeps going through this nightmare. This is one of those nights that I remember my cat is the only thing that cares about my existence.

 

[Life_and_Death]

not moving makes me feel like a bad 'mom'.
the girls (my cats) hammock came down a few months back and because its been "im moving im moving im moving" i havent seen any point in putting it back up especially since the stickers i have to use are super sticky and dont come off. she keeps going to the window asking me to put it down for her but its not even there. she'll jump up on the window sill even though shes too big for it.
i know not having a hammock isnt the worse thing in the world but seeing how much she wants it and that im "not doing anything about it" makes me cry and feel horrible. i just want my girls to be happy and even though they are i still dont feel its enough and its all my fault because i havent moved even though its his fault

 

[myfinalform]

worthless

 

[rock3]

Exhausted, fed up with life.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Thank god for my cousin, he is a goddamn angel, thank god that he is safe and relatively happy, he deserves it the most.
I feel so much better after talking to him. He is such a ball of sunshine. I even replaced buying meto on my to-do list with finally starting to clean my apartment that hasn't been properly cleaned since February. At least for now.

 

[Hirokami]

Well, it seems like no one in my life is actually grateful for what I do. It's never enough for them. I guess the bright side is that it makes ctb a lot easier for the future as I no longer feel guilty about wanting to end it all. My own mother had the audacity to laugh at me when I finally opened up about my thoughts of wanting to kms. Granted, it was probably nervous laughter but I hated it. After all I've done for her, too. Always has to downplay my issues. "Oh, but it could've been worse!" Yeah, well what happened to me still wasn't ideal. I wasn't even blaming anyone for my issues, either, yet she took offense. God, I am tired of being gaslit and invalidated. Why can't people just listen to me without telling me how I should feel and what I should say? I guess it's always other people's fault, never my own, right? Except that's not how it works. I've done really regrettable things that haunt me to this day. Hell, I even broke down today.

Hence, why it's okay that I have no one in my corner. I never have and I never will. I'd rather be actually alone at this rate than to deal with people who are fake.

 

[Unicornsrnot4dislife]

i feel like tying something around my neck and stop breathing

 

[outatime_85]

Growing up, dealing with daily bullying and physical assaults, and having no one to ask for help.

I am a shell.

After everything I experienced, no one will want or need me, and I know I will never be able to let anyone in to know me.

I don't have the ability to properly deal with real life or people, which means I will never properly function in society (pieces are missing).

I have nothing but trauma inside me to show for my years (nightmares, an inferiority complex, voices, etc).

I live a life of isolation as an adult, still stuck in my childhood (a child inside an adult body), who is still abandoned and still alone.

I still wear a mask, but to hide and contain my ugliness (the image I see when I look into a mirror). I am convinced that I will always have to wear this mask if I am to continue through my life.

Maybe my trauma runs too deep, and my psyche is too far gone for me to be fixed, which would leave me with few options for a healthy solution.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i need to somehow be kept in the mindset of being alone. stupid bpd "lets fix it" stop. what isnt built, cant fall...
ive tried leaving myself notes, blocking, reminding myself im worthless. but i cant seem to stay away

 

[Cathy Ames]

Intersecting feelings of nausea, tearfulness, and a desire not to vomit.

 

[odradek]

I can't take much more of this. I'm losing my goddamned mind. I'm exhausted. Fuck.

 

[Life_and_Death]

do i love him or is it my bpd that loves him? i have no idea how to tell the difference and even if i could it doesnt matter, my bpd does whatever..