
Hirokami
Out of order
- Feb 21, 2021
- 607
Losing my mind. Stuck. It all feels like a blur. This nightmare needs to end now. I thought things were going well but it is not. I feel disconnected. Bad.
i wish hed stop messaging me... "gonna be 4hrs, message when i can" first, yeah i know its 4hrs. ive made the trip a million times ITS MY HOME!!!! secondly why would you mention how long youre gonna be. it kinda says "ill message you in about 4hrs", like "hey made the trip, everything's cool" sort of thing. especially since he knows i have cptsd with driving. i could have been panicking the whole time scared shitless he died (which i have panicked about when he was literally minutes late from messaging me after work). but nope he messages me OVER TWELVE HOURS LATER with "made it to the hotel and walked around A BIT" 4hrs turning into 12hrs isnt even close to the definition of "a bit". (to be clear, im not bitching that he did it, im bitching about his choice of words. at least if youre gonna tell someone something dont bullshit it)my SO is out doing a thing for the weekend and my bpd feels like (understandably) resenting him.
i feel so.....disconnected?? him and my friends are out doing a thing that 1 i cant go to because im in an abusive house (but dont tell him (the person i live with) that) and 2 is a thing im not interested in. yeah the second one kind of negates the first one but think of the first one more like, i cant hang out with my friends in general, not what we're doing. the second, theyre gamer/anime people....im outside, nature and things....... i feel really left out in lifei wish hed stop messaging me... "gonna be 4hrs, message when i can" first, yeah i know its 4hrs. ive made the trip a million times ITS MY HOME!!!! secondly why would you mention how long youre gonna be. it kinda says "ill message you in about 4hrs", like "hey made the trip, everything's cool" sort of thing. especially since he knows i have cptsd with driving. i could have been panicking the whole time scared shitless he died (which i have panicked about when he was literally minutes late from messaging me after work). but nope he messages me OVER TWELVE HOURS LATER with "made it to the hotel and walked around A BIT" 4hrs turning into 12hrs isnt even close to the definition of "a bit". (to be clear, im not bitching that he did it, im bitching about his choice of words. at least if youre gonna tell someone something dont bullshit it)
i havent messaged him. i havent said a word (and its on discord so he doesnt even know ive read it). the last thing i said to him was "im cool with waiting" (until he gets back from his trip to talk). while i made it sound like i was just trying to be a good gf and give him his space and whatnot, i of course had a deeper meaning behind it. no goodnights, i love yous, have a good trip, nothing.. i just left it at "im cool with waiting". which was lies. not even close. it hasnt even been a day yet and ive already started my path of self destruction. im sure hed prefer if i messaged him, but just....no...i really dont want to..
maybe my bpd will be good and stay on track for once. maybe him being gone for 3 days (which is just a guess. he didnt even tell me when he was leaving or getting back. all i knew was "end of the month" and he messaged me yesterday morning with "leaving for the trip". never told when hes gonna be back either, it could be sunday, monday. i never get informed of shit.)maybe him being gone for 3 dayswill be good. maybe i wont talk to him when he gets back. maybe ill be able to just disappear and kill myself...
i cant talk about things even though its true.i feel so.....disconnected?? him and my friends are out doing a thing that 1 i cant go to because im in an abusive house (but dont tell him (the person i live with) that) and 2 is a thing im not interested in. yeah the second one kind of negates the first one but think of the first one more like, i cant hang out with my friends in general, not what we're doing. the second, theyre gamer/anime people....im outside, nature and things....... i feel really left out in life![]()
i should have just done it last night. im constantly telling myself how much f'en better shit would be without me, and i constantly have proof of that.im feeling like attempting again..