Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[sonax22]

FRUSTRATED
Why are all those people who are unwilling to die, end up dying against their will (illness/murders/accidents/sudden death) WHY CANT I DIE INSTEAD? when I want it so badly?

 

[angelfeather]

I'd like to know why "mental health professionals" mess with your head so much then wonder why you feel the way you do….No one has ever made me feel so worthless in my whole life…

 

[Venom85]

Emptiness, betrayed, loneliness, feel like I the world around me is moving quick and I'm still in the same place.

I don't want to work anymore, hate my job and all the people around me.

 

[outatime_85]

The unit I was born into does not believe in mental health checks.

So I have lived undiagnosed since childhood.

I am withdrawn, empty, stunted, unable to express basic emotions.

I am unable to relate to the outside world and have never been shown how. So I don't have any bonds of any sort, and I am suspicious anytime someone tries to interact with me (no one would want to know me). I never connect with anyone.

So, I have no friends.

I don't have any support structures (no family to reach out to about what I am dealing with).

I am isolated.

I oversleep and deal with insomnia, nightmares, and night terrors.

 

[Life_and_Death]

ugh hallucinations . i thought there was a spider going down my laptop.. thats a new one

 

[S like Siren]

Right now i'm thinking that i'm really but really ready to die.
I feel 100% commited in wanting to do it and determined to do it.There is nothing holding me back aside from just doing it,go to a spot and jump or if i will be able to put my hand on some Sn i will not fucking esitate for a sec.I'm again in partial hanging for desperation and i'm practicing again even tho it's very complicated here where i am.I can't really wait to die.It's really all i want.

 

[Alayna]

Seeing my therapist tomorrow. Going to mention this forum. If I disappear I've been admitted.

(Unlikely, he's pretty understanding.)

(Although it'll probably worry him...)

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I can't even...

 

[S like Siren]

I'm angry and i can't stop from hurting myself all days...i feel so alone and abandoned by everyone,i really have noone anymore,not anything left...it's me and death now and i hope it will end soon.

 

[Life_and_Death]

my SO is out doing a thing for the weekend and my bpd feels like (understandably) resenting him. hes going to MY home!!!! where im suppose to be moving to before i move in with him, but nooooooooooooooo im still fucking stuck here. i was suppose to be out. i was suppose to be hanging with him this weekend. and im still dealing with last f'en holiday "how was thanksgiving" still havent messaged my brother back after that one and hes asked several more times. i want to kill myself, im just grand. and i have an appointment after the weekend that ive never been to before (so not normal family doctor stuff).
next shittiest 5 days ever im sure

 

[Lullaby]

I'm about to snap...not even two minutes into the only proper dinner I've had all week that wasn't fruit or a pair of fries, and I had to stop eating because I'm so upset and can't stop shaking. So tired of the people in my life, my family and just everyone in general, I'm so tired! If only they knew that I'm a thread away from snapping and ending it all. if my sn was here I would just do it tonight. i don't deserve to be yelled at, called names or torn apart. I'm trying my hardest and I keep getting shit on by literally everything, I'm over it.

 

[BusTicketholder]

I hope I mean something to someone here

 

[Life_and_Death]

my SO is out doing a thing for the weekend and my bpd feels like (understandably) resenting him.

i wish hed stop messaging me... "gonna be 4hrs, message when i can" first, yeah i know its 4hrs. ive made the trip a million times ITS MY HOME!!!! secondly why would you mention how long youre gonna be. it kinda says "ill message you in about 4hrs", like "hey made the trip, everything's cool" sort of thing. especially since he knows i have cptsd with driving. i could have been panicking the whole time scared shitless he died (which i have panicked about when he was literally minutes late from messaging me after work). but nope he messages me OVER TWELVE HOURS LATER with "made it to the hotel and walked around A BIT" 4hrs turning into 12hrs isnt even close to the definition of "a bit". (to be clear, im not bitching that he did it, im bitching about his choice of words. at least if youre gonna tell someone something dont bullshit it)
i havent messaged him. i havent said a word (and its on discord so he doesnt even know ive read it). the last thing i said to him was "im cool with waiting" (until he gets back from his trip to talk). while i made it sound like i was just trying to be a good gf and give him his space and whatnot, i of course had a deeper meaning behind it. no goodnights, i love yous, have a good trip, nothing.. i just left it at "im cool with waiting". which was lies. not even close. it hasnt even been a day yet and ive already started my path of self destruction. im sure hed prefer if i messaged him, but just....no...i really dont want to..
maybe my bpd will be good and stay on track for once. maybe him being gone for 3 days (which is just a guess. he didnt even tell me when he was leaving or getting back. all i knew was "end of the month" and he messaged me yesterday morning with "leaving for the trip". never told when hes gonna be back either, it could be sunday, monday. i never get informed of shit.) maybe him being gone for 3 days will be good. maybe i wont talk to him when he gets back. maybe ill be able to just disappear and kill myself...

 

[Anonymus]

I don't know, I'm still very sad and I've realized that something has changed inside me. It has already happened to me other times throughout my life, it changes my personal perception of things, my environment and my attitude towards everything.

I guess now that I'm 44 years old, and I've seen so many times how the same reality can be lived in very different ways by the same person (in this case myself) I have enough perspective to realize how absurd it is to be subject to my interpretation of things... sometimes they are bad and sometimes good, but always according to the mental context in which I find myself, never because there are external reasons that incorporate a real, palpable, common context to everyone.

The fact is that I feel sad, abandoned, without goals, bitter, sometimes angry, worried for no reason about superfluous things... something has changed inside me and I know that it takes me to the darkest part of my mind, that which I have never bothered to illuminate to see what is there.

I'm very sad.

//

No ho se, continuo molt trist i m'he n'he adonat que alguna cosa ha cambiat dins meu. Ja m'ha passat altres vegades al llarg de la meva vida, cambia la meva percepció personal de les coses, del meu entorn i de la meva actitud cap a tot.

Suposo que ara que tinc 44 anys, i he vist tantes vegades com una mateixa realitat es pot viure de maneres molt diferents per una mateixa persona (en aquest cas jo mateix) tinc prou perspectiva per adonar-me'n de l'absurd que es estar sotmés a la meva interpretació de les coses... de vegades són dolentes i de vegades bones, però sempre segons el context mental en el que em trobi, mai perqué hi hagin motius externs que incorporin un contexte real, palpable, que siguí comú a tothom.

El cas es que em trobo trist, abandonat, sense metes, amargat, de vegades irat, preocupat sense motiu per coses superflues... ha cambiat alguna cosa dins meu i se que em porta a la part mes fosca de la meva ment, aquella que mai m'he encarregat d'il·luminar per veure bé que hi ha.

Estic molt trist.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I don't even know how to put in words how unwell I am right now. I can't take it anymore. I don't deserve this crap. No one does.

 

[S like Siren]

When I stupidly find myself thinking that maybe they are back here for me ... but that's not true of course.It's just very very stupid of me very stupid
I'm stupid
Because actions speak louder than words

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

Various things are coming to a head now in my life and I am completely unprepared to deal with them. I guess it serves me right for avoiding everything as much as possible and letting problems pile up. I feel like I can't deal with even one of thing much less everything at once. However, the saddest thing is even if I get through everything, what then? What's the point and why am I still living?

 

[Life_and_Death]

i wish hed stop messaging me... "gonna be 4hrs, message when i can" first, yeah i know its 4hrs. ive made the trip a million times ITS MY HOME!!!! secondly why would you mention how long youre gonna be. it kinda says "ill message you in about 4hrs", like "hey made the trip, everything's cool" sort of thing. especially since he knows i have cptsd with driving. i could have been panicking the whole time scared shitless he died (which i have panicked about when he was literally minutes late from messaging me after work). but nope he messages me OVER TWELVE HOURS LATER with "made it to the hotel and walked around A BIT" 4hrs turning into 12hrs isnt even close to the definition of "a bit". (to be clear, im not bitching that he did it, im bitching about his choice of words. at least if youre gonna tell someone something dont bullshit it)
i havent messaged him. i havent said a word (and its on discord so he doesnt even know ive read it). the last thing i said to him was "im cool with waiting" (until he gets back from his trip to talk). while i made it sound like i was just trying to be a good gf and give him his space and whatnot, i of course had a deeper meaning behind it. no goodnights, i love yous, have a good trip, nothing.. i just left it at "im cool with waiting". which was lies. not even close. it hasnt even been a day yet and ive already started my path of self destruction. im sure hed prefer if i messaged him, but just....no...i really dont want to..
maybe my bpd will be good and stay on track for once. maybe him being gone for 3 days (which is just a guess. he didnt even tell me when he was leaving or getting back. all i knew was "end of the month" and he messaged me yesterday morning with "leaving for the trip". never told when hes gonna be back either, it could be sunday, monday. i never get informed of shit.) maybe him being gone for 3 days will be good. maybe i wont talk to him when he gets back. maybe ill be able to just disappear and kill myself...

i feel so.....disconnected?? him and my friends are out doing a thing that 1 i cant go to because im in an abusive house (but dont tell him (the person i live with) that) and 2 is a thing im not interested in. yeah the second one kind of negates the first one but think of the first one more like, i cant hang out with my friends in general, not what we're doing. the second, theyre gamer/anime people....im outside, nature and things....... i feel really left out in life

 

[GrumpyFrog]

And now I remember why therapy has been completely useless for me. And probably why the idea of turning for help is also completely useless.

 

[Life_and_Death]

im feeling like attempting again..

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Tired of everything. It doesn't matter how I feel. Doesn't matter if I'm suicidal. I really do need to ctb soon. Who fucking cares.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i feel so.....disconnected?? him and my friends are out doing a thing that 1 i cant go to because im in an abusive house (but dont tell him (the person i live with) that) and 2 is a thing im not interested in. yeah the second one kind of negates the first one but think of the first one more like, i cant hang out with my friends in general, not what we're doing. the second, theyre gamer/anime people....im outside, nature and things....... i feel really left out in life

i cant talk about things even though its true.
last night he was like "i hope youre doing alright" "yeah im fine" i was only so high/drunk that i struggled walking, crying, cutting and wanting to kms because you were gone. if i were honest then it f'en turns into "im sorry i enjoyed my time" and then im the fucking bad guy for feeling left out and making them feel like shit for being happy.

im feeling like attempting again..

i should have just done it last night. im constantly telling myself how much f'en better shit would be without me, and i constantly have proof of that.

 

[Dead Horse]

Whenever I go outside and witness how normal people behave, I realize how abnormal I really am. There is no hope for me. I know it, but it's still painful when I get reminded of it.

 

[Life_and_Death]

"im fine" just means "im not dead"......

 

[achromatic]

Self- hate

 

[anxious_depressive]

I'm desperate.
A sick, exhausted, stupid, useless person.


The mental pain is unbearable.
This pain is tearing my head apart...

 

[ConstantBattle]

I want to meet someone in my life, playing solo is okay, but I wanna try out co-op in this world as well.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Despair
Hopeless
Desperate
Trapped
Poisoned
Agonizing Physical Disabilities
Heavy Burden
Helpless
Sorrow
Remorse
Self-loathing
Rage
Heartbreak

 

[outatime_85]

A snippet from one of my journal entries:

Every day, I gradually realize that, despite the fact that I am a defective product, there is still a part of me that wonders what it is like to connect with someone in every way possible, to feel safe with someone so safe that one can be vulnerable, letting emotions out that have been bottled up for decades, crying without being perceived as weak, and what it is like to have a bond that is not just superficial, not just an acquaintance, being with people that have time and have room in their lives for me.

 

[Zegers]

Forlorn

The doc advised me to taking Sertraline again as i had not taken it for a few months, since i have started taking it again i notice how the irrational SI
is stronger and it undermines my determination to ctb, in summer I was determined but now i feel fuzzy i think that once i have everything ready it will take a while to take the leap