I'm afraid that this is just the beginning. Like all of this was a sham, an introductory phase to a whole new way of "living". Basically the first stepping stone in a long, slow and confusing descent into hell. I sincerely believe that all of us have been elsewhere before, and that the rules were different there, and it's exactly the discrepancy between now and the fragmentary, instinctual memory of the past that creates suicidal feelings that should otherwise not be there (if this were normal, and we were perfectly adapted to it, as all living creatures should be, then why would it feel wrong?).
I feel dread and discombobulation. Just complete futility. And I see other people from the outside, and recognize that somehow they don't feel so desolate, and I remember when I didn't feel that way too. Staring at the abyss + it looking back type stuff except I'm taking it extremely literally. And the funny thing is that I don't think it would be all that hard for my mind to be changed- but the ease of changing it doesn't mean that it will happen.
